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You were always ahead.
He watched the colorful streamers raining down on him and his team from the sky as the cheering around them continued. His eyes shifted over to his teammates while the sounds around him slowly got blocked in his ears. Bobble was cheering alongside an old lady with children dancing around her and playing with the streamers, while Headphones talked to some fans and gave out signatures on their weapons.
He was standing with the trophy resting on his hands, because they were given to the leaders no matter their popularity. Looking at it, a reflection of himself doused in gold stared back at him, no trace of excitement could be found in his face.
(Not anymore, at least.)
Strange. Why wasn’t he excited? Blue team won again. He should be excited and celebrating with others.
…would they notice though?
His reflection (and thoughts) were interrupted when a blur of blue with a green jacket suddenly appeared beside him and he felt he was being shaken, embraced so tight he thought he was gonna choke.
Always ahead.
Even though I was the one who started everything, I was the one who placed the bricks, you were the one who stood on top of them and shined brightly.
Next second, everyone was next to him. Goggles was smiling brightly as always, and there was probably a big smooch on his cheek too– he lost track of his whole time there.
…and gathered everyone’s attention to yourself.
He was standing in a spawn area, of some…place he couldn’t find the name of. It looked a tad bit similar to Urchin Underpass, though.
Looking to the right, floating trees with ink stains dripping from the leaves. To the left, various rubble and junk squished in cubes, like the ones in Mincemeat Metalworks.
He had his Octobrush in his hand, it didn’t have any ink on though. He also didn’t have an ink tank on either, so the weapon was ultimately useless.
He kneeled on the ground slowly, and put the brush on there. Even though he could get the weapon replaced (and plus he was probably dreaming or something because no way in hell those floating cubes and trees could happen in real life), he couldn’t find it in his heart to just let the weapon clatter carelessly on the surface.
He cautiously stepped his way towards the respawn area. Looking down, he took notice of his outfit and realized it was different from his usual gear. His oldest one, plain shirt with a tie and plum casuals.
The respawn area weirdly had a ramp leading down, something that normal maps didn’t have. It was also devoid of any graffiti seen, making it seem completely lifeless. The sky was grey, not in a cloudy way but in a way that made it seem like he was in some kind of a void. With distant rubble cubes, trees, pooltoys(from Mahi Mahi apparently? When did those appear?) passing by gently.
He couldn’t help but shiver slightly when his eyes spotted train tracks with mint green goop floated past, along with dead white coral.
Looking at the map as a whole, he took notice of the green goop scattered in a few corners and the white coral at every corner.
The hell… he thought. Am I actually tweaking? Did I finally lose it??
He kept looking around and saw a few shadows of people pass, unable to identify them because of their speed. They were unlike the shadows they fought a while ago, instead they were just pieces of a void.
Walking more and more closer into the center of the map, he suddenly stopped at a hill overlooking the middle.
A figure greeted him, the only one who wasn’t a shadow besides him.
The map was constantly changing, but the center remained the same. The many shadows running around the area escalated more the closer they were to the center. Although they all seemed like they were running circles cheering around the figure, not actually touching him.
Goggles had his back turned to him, his tentacles swaying slightly from the wind. He also looked like him, no ink tank, no weapon, his oldest gear on.
He wasn’t doing anything in particular. Wasn’t even moving, just standing still in his place. Maybe swaying a bit.
And yet…everybody cheered him on. Like he was a sparkling golden fish in a pond.
His eyes twitched.
...
We won all of our matches. Almost all of them.
He started walking down, towards the shadow-crowd.
But…I couldn’t feel relieved.
Legs moving on their own, he pushed through the waves of people– figures– shadows. He swore they all looked like the previous teams they battled, and won against.
I couldn’t feel like we– no, I deserved those wins.
This team I created…didn’t feel like mine.
He stopped when he approached him, still not facing him with his hands in his coat pockets, still swaying in his place.
And it was you, Goggles. Because of you.
Goggles turned to face him, with his usual smile. The bright smile that could cast a wave of warmth to even those with coldest hearts–
I was the one who created the team. I was the one who brought us all together.
Yet you are getting praised for it.
–pissed him off.
His legs didn’t move on their own this time as he lunged towards the closest person in his life.
Goggles was tackled to the ground from the sudden attack, all of the cheering around them stopping instantly. He could feel two shadows that looked way too similar to Bobble and Headphones tried to stop them but they couldn’t, as they both disintegrated to ashes before they could even touch them.
His hands locked themselves around Goggles’ neck, squeezing with such intensity and strength that he would be surprised– if he could notice.
He saw nothing but red towards the inkling under him, who was currently having life draining from his eyes from the choking. Although there was no struggle, no fighting back against him, he didn’t even try to pry his hands away from his throat. But it didn’t matter.
I am the leader. The captain. The creator of this team.
So who are YOU to take away MY fucking spotlight, Goggles?
The agonized yells of the others mishmashed and blurred together, an amalgamation between them and the ringing in his ears.
I hate you.
I genuinely hate you.
Why did I even meet you?!
His vision was also blurry now, despite his glasses being there and intact.
The shadow figures were no more, neither the mishmashed map, or the floating cubes, trees, whatnot. There were no more train tracks with green goop, nor lifeless white coral. It was only a gray void now, only him–
Why…did I…
–and Goggles, who laid still under him. His still-open eyes had no shine, his skin lost its vibrancy, like the ink on his tentacles. His neck was bruised, had his hands painted on there.
Despite the disturbing sight, there was a smile on his face. The smile that still casted warmth, even after death. His eyes were distant, there was a line of murky blue coming out of his mouth for some reason– yet he still went down with a smile on his face.
He saw his reflection on Goggles’ dead eyes.
An unrecognizable shadow stared back, with his own eyes wide open in– hatred? agony?
(Jealousy?)
Goggles was going cold under him, and there were a few droplets of salty water on his cheeks. The droplets made their way down to the ground, traveling in his dimples from his dead-smile.
But…
…
……
…I feel awful.
I shouldn’t be hating you.
The droplets kept on coming as he shook.
You’re my best friend. My first friend. And hell, you’re my first “special someone”, like how they say in movies.
I love you, a lot.
But I also hate you and that hurts so, so much because I can’t help it. No matter how much I try, I can’t just get it out! I was supposed to be seen, yet they saw you!
He held Goggles’ face between his hands, lifting his head up slightly. He could still see his reflection from his glossy, lifeless eyes, and the inkling who stared back was…not recognizable.
There was a grin on his face now. For some reason. He was fucking smiling, as if he didn’t just murdered Goggles seconds ago. Slowly and painfully.
But…maybe that's how I am.
The tears had stopped some time ago, he lost track of time again as the smile faded from his face. He sat still there, embracing Goggles’ dead head tightly. Too cold for his liking.
No matter how much time passes, no matter how much I love you, there will always be a piece of envy in me, towards so many people, but mostly you.
And I hate myself for it.
For never being able to get rid of this hate.
Specs blinked once again and he was back in a bedroom.
Right, they had been staying at a small apartment for a week now, for the tournament. He didn’t remember anything between the celebration and– well, right now. He didn’t wake up(?) with a headache either, or he felt hungover, so there was probably no afterparty.
So he was just out of it for some reason, for a whole damn day.
Oh my cod.
He ran his hands through his face with a sigh and sat up on the bed. A plain shirt and shorts were on him. Looking at his surroundings, he noticed Bobble and Headphones sleeping sprawled on their bed across the room. The sniper had one arm propped on her forehead while the other one was hanging off of the corner. Bobble somehow managed to face the opposite side of the bed, while still laying on Headphones while hugging a pillow.
His eyes tried to adjust themselves to the dark as he noticed his glasses and phone on the other side of his own bed, also realizing he was at the side facing the wall, right beside–
Goggles.
He had his back turned to him, snoring peacefully while hugging a pillow. His tentacles stuck up in several different places and there were bedsheet marks on his face, he was deep into dreamland.
Specs, still shaken from what he dreamt(?) earlier, couldn’t help but slowly hold his hand out towards Goggles’ neck.
(What if he acted in his sleep?)
(What if he actually did it?)
(What if Bobble and Headphones weren’t sleeping, but actually unconscious because he somehow managed to fight off both of them and strangled Goggles in his sleep and his snoring wasn’t actually snoring but actually a death rattle–)
Pulse.
He didn’t realize he held out his fingers and touched a spot on his neck, very lightly as if he could wake him up (even though he clearly looked like he wouldn’t wake up even if there was a whole Splatfest outside.)
There are no hand bruises either.
Goggles’ neck was completely fine, he was alive, Bobble and Headphones were also peacefully snoring at the other side of the room.
Specs gave a sigh of relief as he gently moved his hand away from Goggles’ neck to his face, who now turned a bit slightly so goof’s cheek came into contact with his hand. Goggles smiled in his sleep and nuzzled a bit onto Specs’ palm with a droopy smile, a sight that just killed the captain.
Not in a bad way. But not in a good way either.
In a way where he felt so, so fucking ashamed. Goggles, while barely conscious, did that and his ass dreamt about murdering him in cold blood.
Goggles sleepily brought up his hand, and before he could lock him in a death grip Specs pulled his hand back as the other inkling let out a small whine. The captain shuffled in his place to get up as he no longer wanted to sleep, no matter how much he wanted to lie back down. He looked down to Goggles sleeping like a baby with slumped shoulders. The goof made grabby hands in the air for a second, then fell back asleep immediately again with a slight groan.
He got up from the bed, not really minding the noise as he knew his teammates had deep sleeps unlike him. Directly going to the kitchen area, he found his bag piled at the corner along with the others’. He dug around it until his hand felt a small package in a pocket, and right next to it was the plastic casing of a lighter. Taking both items, he went to the little balcony of the small apartment.
He told himself not to stress-smoke after the metro, and again after the spire, and also again after several tournaments, but he did anyway and that felt like pure shit. Leaders were supposed to actually stand by what they said, for sake.
Some leader.
The apartment was on a middle floor, so while it didn’t overlook most of Splatsville, he could still see and hear a bit of stuff going on. Even though it was midnight, he could hear a lot of people having fun, as the place was also somewhere around a bar street where the night was the real time it went active. The balcony was overlooking an empty alley, although the bars were just around the corner so he saw a lot of lights too.
But he couldn’t find it in himself to enjoy the moment as he let a few ashes from the cigarette fall below.
Why do I have these thoughts about my friends?
His vision got blurry again.
I shouldn’t have these things. I shouldn’t think about hating Bobble, I shouldn’t think about hating Headphones, I–
The image of him choking the life out of him appeared behind his eyes. How he lounged at him and attacked him the nanosecond he saw him, slowly murdering him, as if he didn’t care.
…I shouldn’t think about hurting Goggles.
The image of how he appeared motionless at the sight of his corpse under him. As if he was watching from another point of view. Seeing how he smiled in glee and cried at the same time while doing it.
Not to mention, Goggles did not fight back, once. Kept smiling at him.
With a harsh motion he put out the cigarette on the metal of the balcony, his vision got even more blurry.
(Like he mocked me.)
He wasn’t, though…it was his usual smile. But to him, at that moment, it was.
He lit another cigarette, letting the smoke make the tears worse but he refused to let them fall. Just like he swallowed the painful lump in his throat.
“Heyo?”
The next second was the fastest he hid a cigarette and turned around, facing Goggles. The goof was up and came to check on him, which made Specs’ mental state at the moment worse.
Goggles entered the balcony. His tentacles were super messy and the bed marks were still there with a little swaying in his place (cute) meaning he just woke up.
“Why are you up? It’s like 2 in the morning,” he asked with a tilt of his head as he stepped towards Specs, who turned his back at him.
“Couldn’t sleep.”
“Hm…yeah right, you slept at like, what? Three? You’ve been asleep for…thirteen whole hours.”
“Yeah, whatever.”
A moment of silence passed as Specs secretly wished Goggles to go away and sleep right back. After the whole…thing he saw earlier, Goggles was the last person he wanted to see right now.
Although that didn’t work, as the goof stayed in his place.
“Hey…you were acting a bit strange today.”
Of fucking course.
“I wasn’t.”
“You were though. You didn’t even scold me once during the celebration. Or said anything to anyone. Just nodded along.”
“I was fine, Goggles,” he made his voice sound firmer, hoping it would work and get him back to bed.
Although the next second Goggles ended up right next to him, in his personal space. His efforts were futile.
“What’s the matter?”
“There’s– nothing going on, I just couldn’t sleep, that’s all.”
He casted a side eye, seeing Goggles glancing at the cigarette butt on the balcony metal for a second with suspicion in his eyes (he forgot that there?).
“You sure?”
“Yeah I’m sure–”
“I don’t think you are–”
“Cod’s sake, can you just go?!”
His eyes widened instantly along with Goggles, sleep completely gone from his eyes.
Shit, I didn’t mean to say that outloud.
Goggles squinted his eyes with a frown and stood still with crossed arms before saying anything.
“No. I’m not going anywhere.”
Specs sighed and opted to turn his back to Goggles again as the goof laid his elbows on the balcony, laying his back on there. He knew Goggles would not budge from his place, so he just let him stay there. Maybe he won’t say anything and he can escape a conversation. Until morning, at least.
“Goggles.”
(Although, of course, he had to say something.)
“Hm?”
“...what do you think about our team?”
Goggles let out a surprised hum. “W-well, you guys are my best friends so I love the team.”
“I–I mean,” Specs fixated his eyes at the alley down below, “what made you keep going?”
Goggles blinked with confusion. “Ha?”
Specs gripped the balcony tightly, his knuckles going pale. “What made you fight? With us?”
“I–”
“You got so damn popular they thought of you as the captain all the time,” he mumbled. “I even heard some people saying they’ll join you because you keep winning every time. They think it’s you who is the reason why we win a lot.”
“...what?”
“What’s your reason to keep us with you if you can carry top players on your back right now?”
“Dude, you’re really not making any sense right now–”
“Answer me!”
Goggles was just staring at him in disbelief, blinking rapidly like a fish in headlights. He was severely confused, on why his boyfriend was asking very strange questions at two in the morning. He racked his brain for an answer, under the other squid’s glare.
“Well…” Goggles stretched out the ‘l’s, “I know I keep on fighting with you guys because you’re my day ones and I don’t want to change that.”
The glare on Specs’ face broke itself for a second, and Goggles decided to add one more thing to his sentence while fiddling with his hands.
“And uh…especially you. Since you made the team y’know? I wanna honor that. Or something like that.”
The other squid turned to look at the alley again with a blank face that made Goggles nervous. Specs ran his hands through his hair, leaning his forehead on the metal of the balcony.
“Something else is bugging you. Tell me what’s going on.”
“I…” Specs took a breath at Goggles’ words (with a firmer tone this time). “I had a dream. I think it was a dream, I don’t know. I don’t think I was sleeping at those hours you mentioned. But it was– something.”
“And?”
“And, well…”
The captain then took another deep breath and told Goggles everything. Whether how he murdered him, how he held hate towards his loved ones, how he smiled while killing him slowly. The words came out like a metro going full speed, his speaking turning frantic at the end. Finishing his words, he couldn’t fathom looking at Goggles while the other remained silent, thus freaking him out more.
“Go ahead then.”
Just when Specs was about to question why the hell did I tell him that what the fuck, Goggles closed the gap between them because of how tiny the balcony was.
“What–”
“Hurt me.”
“Huh?”
“Since you have these thoughts…Do it,” Goggles leaned a bit closer to him (too close–) and tapped his neck lightly. “Choke me. My neck’s right here.”
He motioned at the small cigarette butt between his fingers. “Or put that out on my face. Press it real hard, so it burns badly. Put it out on my eye, maybe. That way I can’t see anything..”
Out of shock and a bit of shame, Specs accidentally put out the cigarette on his palm. He let out a small yelp as he shook the ash off from his hand.
He looked at Goggles again, and for the first time in his life he couldn’t exactly predict what Goggles was feeling, because his face was blank. His eyes didn’t hold any malice but also didn’t hold any affection in them, they were…just there.
“You want to hurt me, right? We’re alone here. Bobble and Headphones wouldn’t wake up, even at fireworks popping. Nobody would see that it was you. Find a knife or something.”
“Why the hell would I–”
“Go ahead, Specs. Do what you said.”
The words that came out of Goggles’ mouth had no emotion in them whatsoever, and it felt like his shadow was now looming over Specs, who didn’t realize he was (kind of) trapped between him and the balcony.
(Damn, Goggles knew how to get serious when he had to. Even if it was rare.)
“Do it. Since you want to so much.”
(Although he did notice the slightest waver in his voice. Shit…)
Specs looked aside, forward, down, anywhere but Goggles. Because he didn’t want to see the pained look on his face. He just knew his face was like that.
Who remains cheerful after finding out one of the closest people in your life actually hates you and secretly wants to harm you basically?
“...I can’t.”
“Why not?”
“Because it doesn’t fucking make sense,” his voice was wavering again, oh shit he was gonna cry, “who in their right mind would have thoughts like that about their friends?! Also what the hell would that even change?!”
Goggles was silent again as Specs turned on his heels as best as he could, completely facing away from him, not noticing the other squid also stepped back a little.
“Would it make me recognized? No! Would it make people see me as the captain for one damn time? Also no! Would it make people see us as someone other than the ‘Idiot’ team? NO! I don’t– I don’t wanna think stuff like this. I shouldn’t think about those when it comes to any of you. Why did I even think about that? Why doesn’t it just go away?!”
His fists clenched as his voice rose, meanwhile Goggles remained quiet.
“When I try to make them go away my brain is filled with even more things to the point it feels like a cod damn sloshing machine is in there! No matter how much I try–they're there!”
Goggles slowly raised his hands and slung them around Specs, putting his cheek on the other one’s back collar. His already blurry vision got even more blurred as there were droplets on the balcony’s surface now. He covered his whole face to stifle the sob that came out while rubbing the tears away but it was futile. For the tears, at least. The sob he covered sounded like he was dying from wheezing.
“I just– I want people to see me and I don’t want to think about anything else. F-for once.”
Goggles sighed and looked ahead from his spot as he let the other squid wail, watching the dimly lit alley. He didn’t know how much time passed until he heard his name called out in a hoarse tone.
“Goggles.”
“Hm?”
“Am I a bad person? For thinking about that stuff. A-about you.”
Silence.
“Did you hurt me?”
“...I suppose not physical, b-but mentally I did–”
“Did you hurt me?”
(There was that firm tone again.)
“I…I don’t know. You tell me.”
Silence, again.
“You thinking about asking me whether you hurt me or didn’t kind of show that, if you ask me.”
There was no sound from Specs, Goggles took it as cue to continue.
“A bad person would probably not ask that, hell they might even say they didn’t hurt me while I’ve got my guts ripped out hanging off of me right in front of them.” Goggles mumbled. “They might say they were even doing me a favor by hurting me.”
Goggles retracted his arms slowly as the other turned around to face him– kind of, he still couldn’t look at him.
“Besides,” Goggles sighed, “I have those thoughts sometimes too. Similar ones.”
He saw Specs finally looking at him from his peripheral vision.
“I want everyone to be happy and get along,” Goggles turned his gaze to the moon above. “But then some people keep persisting to be mean. It kind of pisses me off. Then I get upset when it makes me believe I’m bad at making people laugh and stuff. That lead to those thoughts.”
“You…thought about hurting people?”
“Kind of. I thought about going extreme on how to make people happy, even if it disregards their own feelings. I wanted to because it made me happy. But not them, in fact it made them feel really bad. But I didn’t care,” Goggles looked down. “That made me question if I was selfish for thinking like this or not.”
“You aren’t really selfish though–”
“In the same way you are not like that too,” Goggles turned to him. “You said you didn’t wanna think about murdering people and you didn’t do it, as you see I’m still alive, hm? So it shows you’re not like that.”
“Goggles…”
The captain felt a pair of arms around his shoulders.
“People are strange.”
“Yeah.”
“I can’t promise I’ll magically find a way to make them change their mind.”
“And I don’t want you to do that.” I wanna gain that on my own, Specs thought.
“I know,” Goggles said, as if he heard his thoughts. “But I can help you.”
“...I’d like that.”