Chapter Text
Darkness was never his friend. From the moment he was born, Jupiter had a strong aversion to the cold grasp of the void. With light, you were never alone. You saw those around you, and even if there were none, there was always the source of the light to guide you forward. The darkness was empty. Suffocating. You never knew if you were being watched from all sides, or if you were forever alone. You never knew which was scarier.
As expected, Jupiter felt a wave of relief as he stepped back into the Sun's light. He would never admit it to anyone (except maybe Saturn), but deep down he still had that quivering fear of the dark. Born in the light, raised in the light; being out there had given birth to a new kind of homesickness Jupiter had never felt before, not even during his banishment from the solar system. At least then, he had been relatively close to his home star.
What would have happened if the rogue planets had found him out there? Would he have joined? If he had, would this whole mess still have happened? And if he hadn't, this never would have happened, right?
Well, he hadn't been found by the rogues during that time, so there was no point in imagining hypotheticals.
After a while in interstellar space, Jupiter began to think he had adjusted to the cold, but now he could feel himself relaxing into the familiar warmth. Even the ice giants seemed pleased to feel the glow on their surfaces.
"Jupiter?" He turned around to see the ringed planet walk towards him, tears welling in his eyes, just like when Jupiter returned from his banishment. Saturn could never contain his emotions after dramatic events such as these.
"Hey, Saturn."
Saturn threw himself at the larger planet, grip tightening around his torso.
"I thought I'd never see you again! Why did you agree to that-...that-"
"Yeah, that mission was a pretty stupid choice. I should have seen the signs earlier. That kingdom is like, a cult of sorts. I shouldn't have dragged you all down with me..." Jupiter's gaze dropped as he thought of how, even after finding out the truth of his actions in his childhood, the other planets still saw a shred of authority and trustworthiness within him.
They shouldn't. It nearly got them all separated for good.
Why did they still trust him? They had no reason to, and many of them must have noticed that SIMP's mission was...sketchy.
What did he do to deserve their trust-
"So, are we automatically on better terms with the Sun, or..?" Mars appeared at Jupiter's side, Venus and Mercury trailing behind occupied by what looked to be a...phone?
Where in the galaxy did they get a phone?
"Well, that's up to you, Mars. It'll take some time for him to regain our trust, but..."
Jupiter's eyes flicked to the star walking a short distance in front of him, far quieter than usual.
"...at least he's trying."
The red planet shrugged, before falling behind a bit to walk alongside Mercury and Venus. It seems like Jupiter's response had satisfied him for now.
Behind him, the rocky planets were played some random game on the phone they had somehow acquired.
"Can I have the phone back now, Mercury?"
"Seriously? I just started playing!"
"Well, I was the one who found it, so..."
"Guys, I'm sure when we see Earth again he can give you another phone, seeing as you're so desperate."
Right.
Earth.
Where was he? Had he not come with the Sun? And if not, was he still safe?
Of course, Jupiter could just walk up to the Sun and ask, but something held him back.
It had been so long since they last spoke...and when they did, it was just as Jupiter and the others left.
"Come on, mate. Didn't you just hug him a few minutes ago? I'm sure you can handle talking to him."
Jupiter jumped back a little.
"Wha-...how did you-...it's not that simple!"
"It really is though!" Neptune popped out from behind his cousin. "Just go up to him!"
All the commotion had alerted the Sun, and he turned around.
"Earth is where the system was. He's safe, we just need to get back in time. You know how sensitive his life is..."
After all the screaming during his face-off with SIMP, it felt strange to hear the Sun taking in a more hushed tone. He still sounded recognisable, but...calmer? More mature, maybe. And, infuriatingly, almost fatherly.
The Sun was like a father to him. To the whole system. Jupiter swore Earth had brought this up at some point in the past; about the solar system being like a big, messy family, with Sun as the father.
(And Jupiter as the older brother, although he had only fallen into that role due to the guilt and belief that he needed to make up for his past mistakes.)
A strict, controlling, slightly crazy father. Maybe part of that could be contributed to Jupiter; both the grand tack itself and the moment the truth was brought to light took a toll on the star. Yet another mistake to brew in Jupiter's mind, which had already been flooded with guilt for millennia.
What had Earth said to him to get him to change?
No offence, Jupiter thought, but is Earth really the best one to help with the Sun's problems?
In all honesty, none of them were in the right place to help the Sun. Maybe Mercury, seeing as they were probably closest and the smallest planet had seemed to have a good understanding of emotions. Although, Jupiter wasn't too sure if he would be happy to take up the therapist role. Venus wouldn't, and, well, he already knew about Earth. Mars would be able to hold a conversation, but may not have been willing to. Saturn would try. He was always so sweet, so of course he would try. At least, Jupiter swore he knew him well enough to assume that. Finally, the ice giants were too far to have much a close bond with the sun.
And, seriously, this whole system needed group therapy.
When they got back, he would have to ask Earth how he dealt with the Sun.
Sun was still looking back at Jupiter, and they locked eyes for a moment.
Jupiter had read in some earthling nature book that some animals imprint on the first being they see after being born. And while, at the time, it had seemed ridiculous (because of course trust was built up over time, was it not?), looking at his home star now, Jupiter realised that, despite what happened over the last few months, there was that same instinct within him to trust him. The same feeling from the moment he awoke and gazed into the light.
"We're nearly there. You guys can go to your orbits...or not, I mean, unless you want to?"
Stars, hearing those words come out of his mouth felt unsettling to say the least. Being so permissive, it didn't feel right. Well, it was what they had all wanted, and no one could deny it felt better than being forced into orbits far away from each other, isolated and silent.
Before long, Jupiter could just about make out a small blue speck in the distance, but before he could get a chance to comment, Mars went throttling past him at full speed.
"Damn, someone's desperate for a reunion."
"Yeah, he's so in love I swear. He'd probably sacrifice himself saving Earth from an asteroid or some shit like that."
"You...you say that like you didn't do that for me that one time-"
"Shut it, pipsqueak."
"I thought we agreed to stop calling me that!"
Their bickering faded into background noise and Jupiter pressed forward, eventually reaching his orbit. He wasn't too sure of the science or psychology behind it, but it seemed that for every planet, returning to their orbit brought up this strange feeling of belonging, like returning home after a holiday abroad.
Of course, the whole rogue planet fiasco hadn't been much of a holiday, but the feeling upon return was comparable. It had been a long time. Too long.
"Jupiter?" Sun began to drift past him, heading back to the centre of the system, but paused briefly. He was making eye contact with Jupiter, just barely. And for a moment, he looked...young. Young, and tired, and near empty. It nearly broke Jupiter's core.
"I'm...sorry. For everything." The unfamiliarity of those words in his mouth urged Jupiter to step back, but he couldn't.
An apology. Not an explanation, not an excuse. Just a simple apology. A start, and, knowing the Sun, a pretty remarkable one.
"I know, I-" he wiped a stray tear from the corner of his eye (when had he teared up? That had happened earlier, he should be over it), "I know. It'll take a while, but...maybe we can all fix things between us?"
"Yeah. I'd like that." And then he smiled. Not manic, not forced, just a normal, warm smile.
If you're scared of the dark, look at me...
He could finally look towards the light again. Look towards the light, and embrace it. Would an embrace be enough to level out the problems caused by both parties? Did two wrongs make a right; did they both cancel each other out?
Well, that was something to find out another day. As for right now...
"Sun? Where will X orbit?"
"X? Did he even...?" Sun's eyes flicked over the solar system, searching for any traces of the dark blue ice giant, but to no avail. Okay, surely he must be with the other ice giants...
"Did you not know?" Uranus had been staring at the two of them for a while now, and as soon as he saw the sun look around, he knew he didn't need an explanation of what the conversation had turned to.
"Mates, he stayed behind with the rogues. Did he not tell you?"
No, he hadn't. But, then again, Jupiter had the chance to say goodbye himself. He just...forgot? No, he didn't forget.
Since meeting him again in the rogue planet kingdom, Jupiter had adopted a subconscious 'don't speak unless spoken to' mentality around X. After all that happened after his return to the solar system, the air around the two had cleared, only to leave a gaping void of 'what are we?'.
The last time the two of them had spoken was after Jupiter had agreed to SIMP's 'million planet' mission. About how Jupiter wanted to be like X.
He had wanted to take his place for a while now. After his ejection, Jupiter had spent many nights wishing he had been ejected instead of X. When he left the solar system, Jupiter longed for the same chance of a fresh start.
Why couldn't it be me?
He didn't deserve any of this.
I did.
But that wasn't all the conversation was about, was it?
X had been warning him. Looking back, it seemed obvious, but at the time, Jupiter had been so fucking oblivious and guilt-driven.
Pathetic, honestly. Jupiter really wasn't as smart as the others made him out to be.
"He didn't tell me, what about you, Jupes?"
A shake of his head, and no words. There was no point, and, regardless, all of his use of language had been concentrated into his ever-more frantic internal monologue.
Of course that was our last conversation.
Would have been better if the last had been the one we had before he left the solar system, at least that one seemed fitting for a last time.
Last time.
How many last times would they have? Maybe this truly was the last. The solar system couldn't leave, and the rogues couldn't come. They were locked away from each other, held by restraints stronger than any other excuse they had before.
Jupiter had made excuses for why he didn't go after X. He was scared of the Sun, or he was protecting the rocky planets. But those were never really true; he knew that, deep down.
When the planets had been put in size order, Jupiter could have stayed where he was meant to, and waited until the other helped fix things. But no, he went wandering off in the Kuiper Belt. Searching. Or...hiding? It was impossible to tell.
There had always been a perpetual pull towards the void in which Jupiter had hoped X was living in. A sort of Schrodingers' cat phenomenon. X could have been alive, or dead, but Jupiter wouldn't know until he saw him. Maybe that room for doubt created the fear that kept him just a few steps away from sprinting out there and searching for him. Of course, that fear won, and Jupiter held back until it was too late.
And then X had thought Jupiter had forgotten about him, or simply didn't care enough to look for him.
Is that what he felt now? What if he had been waiting for Jupiter to come along and take the initiative for once? X would have been waiting for Jupiter to come and say goodbye, or ask him to return to the solar system, but instead watched him walk away.
Once again, Jupiter's fault that X didn't return home (was it even his home anymore?).
But, that was just one of many possibilities, surely. Nevertheless, it spun around in Jupiter's mind.
He was the reason X kept getting pushed away from what should have been his home.
And he would never get the chance to fix that.
Because he was never coming back.
Well done, Jupiter.
Maybe Uranus shouldn't have told the others that X didn't follow. Well, the others, especially the Rockies, didn't seem too bothered with his absence, but it certainly brought down the mood around Jupiter and Saturn.
Uranus had to admit, he too was sad X stayed with the rogues; he was sure they would have become good friends if they had more time. However, he was glad he was making new friends and finding his place in the universe, even if that place was light years away from his first home. Besides, it wasn't like he was just forgetting about the solar system; he did say he would stay to help protect the others from SIMP and her growing 'libration' rampage.
With all sincerity, good for him.
Well, now things would go back to normal, right? What even was normal here? The last few years had been filled with so much drama, Uranus had forgotten what it was like to just...exist.
It felt pretty boring, as much as he hated to admit it.
Upon arrival at him orbit, it suddenly became more clear in the change in temperature compared to out there in interstellar space, and Uranus took off his jacket and dropped it to the ground. A small crinkle of paper could be heard from one of the pockets.
Strange, Uranus didn't remember putting anything in either of the pockets...
He picked up the jacket and turned it over, checking both pockets before finally finding it: a folded piece of paper with something written inside. Had X put this in there? He had to, who else would've?
His fingers began to unfold the sheet, but then he paused. Was it his place to open this? It may not even be for him...
Well, it was put in his pocket, and he needed to find out who it was addressed to one way or another. He really had no other choice.
To Jupiter,
There's his answer. And while curiosity nearly got the better of him, Uranus folded the paper back up. He knew X and Jupiter had a...complicated history, to say the least. It wouldn't be right.
"Hey, Jupiter? I got something for you..?"
A letter.
X didn't seem like the type to write letters to people. But it was something. Whether it was a good or bad something, Jupiter was still debating.
On one hand, it was something specifically for Jupiter. That means he must be important enough to X.
On the other hand, Jupiter was scared to look inside. Because if X had just...left, then Jupiter would just be left to mourn what he knew about X. But this letter meant there was something X had not told him, and once he read it, Jupiter wouldn't be able to do anything about it.
He would have to live with it.
Better open it before he changes his mind.
To Jupiter,
I would start by saying goodbye, but it seems better to put that at the end.
I really thought last time was goodbye. Despite what I said, I was pretty certain we wouldn't see each other again after that. Who knew that we'd both get tangled up in this mess?
As much as I wish none of you had gotten involved with this whole rogue planet cult (yes, I'm calling it a cult, because at this point, that's what it is), I think I needed to see you again. All of you.
It gets...weird. It was all new faces at first, pretty unsettling after millennia spent orbiting a single system. It was nice to see you guys.
For the majority of my time in the kingdom, I didn't really talk about you with anyone. If you were brought up, I would try to avoid the conversation, because I thought that was moving on.
Short answer: it's not.
That just pushes it down even more until it all explodes. I couldn't do that anymore.
Moving on means accepting what happens, and that I can't change it; I can only move forward. Even if it hurts. Even if, sometimes, in my dreams I am home. As if I were always there, as if I belonged.
I don't, and we've already discussed this. don't try to deny it. But I will admit, it is hard trying to find a new place to be from.
This kingdom isn't as welcoming as it should be. I realised that a while ago, and I think WISE is starting to come to that conclusion.
You'd like him. Underneath the whole 'SIMP's right hand man' act, he's a pretty likeable person.
I think I could grow to tolerate him. Regardless, he needs my help dealing with SIMP.
Is this friendship? As much as it hurts to admit it, I'm not exactly used to the concept of friendship. I mean, just look at what happened when I came back to the solar system for revenge...or whatever.
At some point, the hate began to go away. Your name comes out of my mouth easier, and it no longer feels like a fresh stab wound. More like an old scar.
It was inevitable. I'm learning to accept it, and you need to as well. I know you still feel guilty. After all, why else would you have agreed to that stupid recruitment mission?
Don't ever do that again by the way. Very stupid idea, for a planet as smart as you.
I did not just say that...
Well, as you already know, I'm staying. Like I said, WISE needs my help. They all do. I'm doing what i said i would; I'm helping planets like me.
I still want to be like you, sometimes. Some of the smaller planets (namely the ejected Rockies. Also, stop feeling guilty. They will learn to move on.), they seem to look up to me. Is this how you feel with the rocky planets back in the solar system?
I kinda wish we had the chance to properly speak while you were in the kingdom. Stars, my younger self would hate the idea of that, but I've been thinking, and maybe we could learn to understand each other more.
Communication. Hey, I'm pretty sure that's what you and the solar system need. Well, by the looks of it, you may be able to sort that out yourselves. Good luck; from what I've seen, you lot are a difficult bunch.
It's strange. I keep talking about the solar system in a way that implies I am not a part of it. And it's not wrong, I'm not a part of the solar system anymore, but sometimes I wish i was.
After all, nothing feels quite the same as your first home.
I realised a while ago that I can't return there. Not yet. Talking in analogies, I am like a ship, and you, Jupiter, are like an anchor. If i were to return, there's the safety of home, but I would be held down. Stuck in the past, stuck in the first place that rejected me.
Sometimes I wonder how this may have turned out differently. Somewhere deep inside me is a child that just wanted to make friends. I close my eyes some nights and see what the solar system could have been. Emptier, yes, but closer. And I would belong, and you and Saturn would be there, and we would all be friends.
It's just a stupid dream, I know. But maybe, in some other universe, there's a version of us that has that.
Maybe there's a universe where I say goodbye to you in person. Maybe there's a universe where I never have to say goodbye.
I never understood why I felt so attached to you, after all you did to me. Now I know why. You shaped me, Jupiter. Whether I like it or not, you shaped me into who I am today. My fears, my dreams. I don't know who I am without the things you did.
I guess it's time for me to learn. And time for you to learn who you are without the pressing weight of guilt on your back.
I don't know what forgiveness looks like, but...I see you, Jupiter. I see you for who you are now. And I'm not afraid.
Live with love, Jupes, as you always do. You can live, I know you can. Live your life in the solar system, live for me and the home I could have had. Live for those you loved and lost.
So, here it is. The long-awaited goodbye. After doing this once, you would assume I'd know what to say, but I don't.
Don't regret being a part of my life. I don't regret being a part of yours.
-X