Chapter Text
Kais leg bounced nervously as he waited to be called inside. He pressed his heel harder into the floor, like that might force it still, but the movement just shifted into his fingers instead, tapping against his thigh. The logo on the wall gleamed imposingly above the polished secretary’s desk, declaring Apex Agency in a swooping silver font. The whole place was so bright it almost made him feel a little insane. The couch he was sitting on was white. The walls were white. The floor was white. The furniture, everything was this intense, blinding white.
On the opposite side of the secretary’s desk, floor-to-ceiling windows stretched up, slightly unsettling in how far above the ground they were. Every wall was lined with glossy photos of signed talent, magazine covers, editorial shoots, runway snapshots. The secretary shot him an annoyed look when he accidentally knocked the coffee table with his knee. At least there was no one else waiting with him.
He forced himself to sit still, straightening the magazines on the table, ones that didn’t look like they were meant to be read so much as carefully arranged decoration.
The elevator pinged.
A woman stepped out, her heels clicking sharply against the polished floor. A messenger bag hung off one shoulder, and she carried a cardboard tray with two to-go coffee cups. She looked to be in her mid to late twenties, her dark red hair styled in neat box braids, thick dark-rimmed glasses framing her face. Kai didn’t recognize her.
She spotted him and smiled. “Hey, you must be Kai, right?” she said, not waiting for an answer. “I’m Tessa Blake, but you can just call me Tessa. We’ve been emailing.”
Kai stood a little too quickly, lifting a hand in a small, awkward wave. “Yeah. Hi. Nice to meet you.”
“The pleasure’s all mine,” she said easily. “I’ll be your contact here, your agent, basically. Oh—almost forgot.” She handed him one of the coffees, then tossed the empty tray into the, of course, white trash can without looking.
She turned and headed back toward the elevator, and Kai followed her in.
“So, how do you like New York so far? Flight okay?”
Kai nodded, shifting the coffee between his hands. His plane had only landed that morning. Since then, it had been a blur, getting to his apartment, calling his mom to say he arrived safely, then trying to find the agency. He’d ended up in the wrong building first, then the wrong floor.
“It was good,” he said. “The apartment’s really nice.”
“Oh yeah, it’s a great place. Some of our other signed people live there too. No complaints so far.” She nodded, her precise gaze flicked over him then. “You came dressed correctly. That’s good. I like working with people who listen.”
The email had only given him a time, an address, and instructions: a tight white T-shirt and straight-leg dark jeans, simple, clean and neutral.
“Thanks,” Kai mumbled, even though it felt more like an observation than a compliment.
The elevator doors opened two floors up.
“We’ve got three floors,” Tessa said as they stepped out, already moving. “The one you were on is for waiting and client meetings. Offices are one below. And here—”
She stopped, then pushed open a door with a small flourish.
“—our studio."
Kai stepped inside, and for the first time since arriving, something in him eased.
It was still overwhelmingly white, but this space felt more alive. Lights stood in clusters, cables trailing across the floor, screens leaned against walls, props piled into corners. The table in the middle was buried under papers and prints.
A woman adjusting a camera waved, her bangles clinking softly. “That’s Alice,” Tessa said. “She’ll be taking your pictures today.”
“We can get started right away,” Alice said, not unkindly, but with no patience for delay.
Tessa glanced at Kai. When he didn’t object, she nodded. “Just the basics—headshots, full body. Nothing too posed. It’s for his portfolio.”
“Alright. Stand here, please.” Alice positioned him in front of a white backdrop, studying him briefly before adjusting the lighting.
Once satisfied, she lifted her camera. “No smiling.”
The shutter clicked several times. She paused, reviewing the shots, then sighed. “Just look neutral.”
Kai tried again, focusing on keeping his expression blank. From behind Alice, Tessa gave him a thumbs-up, which almost made him smile again.
This time, the photos seemed to work. They moved on to full-body shots, then a few simple poses for variety, as Tessa put it. Kai lost track of time entirely until they were suddenly done.
Now the three of them were crowded around a laptop at the cluttered table, scrolling through the photos.
“That one looks amazing,” Tessa said, pointing at a close-up, his face mostly in shadow, just a narrow strip of light cutting across his eyes.
Alice nodded. “Yeah. We got some decent ones.”
Kai felt a small smile creep onto his face. It was probably the nicest thing she’d said all day.
Tessa scribbled notes on a pad. “Okay, so—headshot, full body, three or four different poses. Then we’ll add some older shots. Paris last year, maybe? Or Berlin, some outdoor ones could be nice. We can update once we’ve done more.”
Alice gave an approving nod. “I’ll edit these. You’ll have them tomorrow.” She closed the laptop, already halfway packed, paused at the door. “Nice working with you.”
And then she was gone. The room felt quieter without her.
“Okay,” Tessa said, clapping her hands once. “Now we just need the rest of your information, and then we’re done. Let’s get your measurements.”
The room fell quiet except for the soft slide of the measuring tape and the scratch of Tessa’s pen on paper.
“You’re very tall,” she noted. “That’s good. They’ll like that.”
Kai didn’t know who they were, but he didn’t want to sound stupid by asking.
A few minutes later, she sat back down and gestured for him to do the same. She handed him a sheet of paper. “Can you check this and make sure everything’s correct?”
It listed his basic information, name, nationality, age, hair color, eye color. He scanned it but didn’t spot any mistakes. He slid it back.
“All good.”
“Perfect.” She clapped her hands again. “Then you’re done for today. I’ll send you your portfolio as soon as the photos are ready, and then I can start sending it out.”
“Sounds good. Thank you.”
She turned off the lights, and they stepped back into the hallway.
“You know,” she added, a little more quietly, “you’re actually the first person I’m fully responsible for. I used to just assist, so… I’m a bit nervous. I kind of need this to work out. But I think we’ll get along really well. You seem really nice.”
Kai blinked, a bit overwhelmed by the sudden honesty, but it explained her nervous energy throughout the day.
“You seem really nice too,” he said. “And don’t worry—I think you’re doing great.”
She beamed at him, visibly relieved. “Thanks.”
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Kai had been in New York for over a month now.
He’d gotten used to the language, the subway system, the constant noise of the city. Having his own apartment, something that still didn’t quite feel like home, was undeniably amazing. The location was great, and the building even had a pool, a gym, and a rooftop terrace from which he could see the harbor.
Unfortunately, that was where the good developments ended.
Everything else was going less than great.
Making friends was hard. He didn’t meet people easily to begin with, and the few he did meet through work didn’t really see him as a person, just competition. And the jobs…
The jobs were going terribly.
He showed up to every casting Tessa sent him to, did everything he was told, followed every instruction, but nothing stuck. The only things he’d managed to book were a small indie online shop doing product photos, and a low-budget streetwear lookbook that barely paid.
Everything else was the same, over and over again.
Too tall.
Not skinny enough.
Not muscular enough.
Not experienced enough.
Just not what they were looking for.
So when an unknown number called while he was sitting in a waiting area before yet another casting, he knew immediately it wouldn’t be good news. So far, only Tessa had ever called him, and he had her number saved. At this point, he almost would have preferred a spam call.
Still, he picked up.
“Hello?”
“Hi, is this Kai Havertz?”
“Yeah.”
“Hi. I’m calling from Apex regarding your contract. As you may know, there is a six-week trial period included. We’re currently reviewing your placement and considering whether to move forward beyond that period.”
Kai didn’t say anything.
“This could mean ending the contract at the conclusion of the trial phase,” the voice continued, a little more carefully now. “You’ll receive a detailed explanation via email shortly.”
“…Okay,” Kai managed.
“Thank you for your time. If you have any questions after reviewing the email, you can reach out. Have a good evening.”
The line went dead.
Not that he would have known what to say anyway.
The call hadn’t even lasted a minute, but something in him felt knocked loose. Like his entire life had just been flipped upside down, reduced to a quick call someone wanted to get out of the way before the end of their workday.
A tight knot formed in his throat, but he forced it down. He still had to get through the day. He couldn’t just start crying in a room full of strangers.
The hours dragged. Unsurprisingly, the casting didn’t go well. By the time he finally made it home, it was already late.
His phone showed a new email and several messages from Tessa, but he ignored both.
Instead, he went straight to the shower.
As the water ran over him, reality settled in properly.
If he lost the contract, he’d lose the apartment. The version of himself he could've been. And the six-week mark was only a week away. That meant he either had to find somewhere to stay, or, more realistically, go back home.
He should have expected this. It had always been unrealistic to think this would just… work. But then something sharper pushed through the dread. Anger, sudden and hot. None of this had even been his idea.
A year ago, if you’d asked him where he’d be now, he probably would’ve said something normal. A summer holiday or maybe just enjoying the season and applying to universities.
Back then, nothing about his life felt like it was about to change.
It had started at the Gamescom.
Like every other German guy with even a passing interest in video games in August, he'd gone. Cologne was barely an hour away. It was just something to do.
He’d been standing in line to try the new Call of Duty when a guy approached him, asking to take a picture for a small newspaper piece about the event. Kai hadn’t really wanted to, but saying no felt awkward, so he’d agreed. The photo had been nothing special. A quick snapshot, Kai smiling at the camera, a cardboard display behind him, his headphones hanging around his neck. Truly unspectacular, just one of many taken that weekend.
For reasons Kai still didn't fully understand, the internet had decided otherwise. The picture blew up within days, tens of thousands of likes, comments piling up, and none of them had anything to do with the article itself. Kai hadn’t even known about it. He’d forgotten about the photo the second it was taken, assuming it either wasn’t used or got buried among hundreds of others. It was a friend who showed him, laughing about it. Even then, Kai hadn’t taken it seriously. Just another weird internet moment. Something people would forget in a week.
Somehow a modeling scout found his account, he still didn’t know how. Maybe someone had tagged him in the comments, maybe agencies really did have people digging through the internet like detectives.
One thing led to another and soon he got signed.
His mom made him promise to finish school first, so he only did a few jobs here and there, one show at Paris Fashion Week, a couple of scattered shoots. Nothing that would mess up his schedule too much.
But the agency had been eager for him to take more jobs.
And in the weeks leading up to his eighteenth birthday, they pushed for more. A more exclusive contract, a move to New York, and a chance to be closer to both the main office and the industry itself.
The day after he turned eighteen, he was on a plane across the Atlantic.
And now, six weeks later, they were ready to drop him.
The anger faded, leaving something heavier behind.
He should have said no. Ignored the message. Refused the offer. Fuck it, he should have refused to be in the picture in the first place.
After his shower, he pulled on comfortable clothes and decided not to deal with it.
Tomorrow, he could panic.
Tonight, he could just feel bad about it.
He thought about eating something, but the idea made him nauseous. Calling his mom crossed his mind too, she’d know what to say, but it was the middle of the night in Germany. He couldn’t do that to her.
With both options gone, he went to bed.
Curled up under the blanket, he opened Twitch on his phone. He just needed a distraction, something familiar, to hear his own language, anything that might make things feel a little less heavy.
Of course barely anyone would be live at this time. None of his usual streamers were online.
He was about to throw his phone aside and accept that the universe had it out for him when he noticed the recommended channels.
He clicked on the only one that was tagged German.
A blonde guy appeared on screen, playing Stardew Valley. Around four hundred viewers were watching, which was impressive for the time.
It worked better than Kai expected, pulling his mind away from everything else. The guy’s voice was smooth, just a little deep, easy to listen to as he responded to chat. He seemed genuinely kind, and the whole atmosphere of the stream carried a quiet, easy warmth.
Kai didn’t notice when his eyes started to close. He soon fell asleep with the stream still playing softly in the background.
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The next morning, life didn’t feel quite as bleak as he’d expected.
The first thing he did was text his agent, which quickly turned into a call. Tessa insisted they could still turn things around, her voice a little too sharp, like she was trying to convince herself just as much as him. Somehow, it still worked. It gave the whole situation a kind of urgency that felt almost motivating.
Either they’d manage to pull something together this week and the exit clause wouldn’t be used, or it would all be over in a few days.
At least he’d know.
The week that followed was relentless. Tessa sent him to everything that even remotely seemed like a possibility. Most days, he was up at six, out the door without breakfast, rushing from one casting to the next. By the time he got home, it was already dark. He’d eat whatever he could get delivered, barely tasting it, and then collapse into bed, completely drained.
On Saturday morning, just a day and a half before his contract could have ended, Kai got a call from Tessa.
His heart was racing as he picked up.
She didn’t even let him speak.
“Ahhh—Kai, Kai, Kai, you won’t believe it,” she squealed. “We got a booking. A good one.”
“Really?” he asked, breathless.
“Yes! Vivienne Westwood. I’m going to talk to my boss right now. I’m sure this will change his mind. I’ll send you the details.”
“Okay… yeah. Thank you. That’s, wow.”
It didn’t fully register. His brain lagged behind the words, like it needed a moment to catch up.
A few minutes later, his phone buzzed again.
Tessa: your contract will not be canceled, thank god
Tessa: take the rest of the day off, none of your other castings are actually that important :)
Kai: thanks, i will
He still felt like it would be inappropriate to just walk out of the casting he was currently at, so he stayed until he was called. For once, he didn’t really care whether they liked him or not.
By the time he left, he felt like he was in some ridiculously cliché movie scene, with soft music playing in the background and the world suddenly looking a little brighter.
Instead of taking the subway, he decided to walk home, picking up sushi along the way. At his building, he took the elevator up to the rooftop terrace and settled into one of the lounge chairs. He pulled the sushi from the bag, broke apart the chopsticks, and for a moment, everything felt good.
Like the world had shifted back into place.
He pulled out his phone. He'd only meant to put on some music while he ate, but then he thought maybe he could find a livestream to watch instead.
It was early evening in Germany, so there were plenty to choose from, some of his usual favorites were even live. Still, his thumb hovered for a second before he tapped on a different one.
The blonde guy that had somehow managed to cheer him up when he'd been feeling miserable last week.
This time, he wasn’t gaming. He was watching some video about influencer drama, pausing now and then to comment on it. Kai noticed more details now, the username, justjule. Around sixty thousand followers. A few thousand viewers watching live.
Jule, which Kai thought was a great name, was eating as he watched the video, absentmindedly twirling some kind of pasta around his fork between comments.
It felt oddly nice. Almost like they were eating together.
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The rest of the weekend passed easily.
On Saturday, Kai stayed out for hours, just enjoying the weather, the city, the feeling of not being on the edge of losing everything. On Sunday morning, he went for a run through Central Park and later took a ferry out on a sightseeing tour, just because he could.
By Monday morning, the nerves were back, but this time they felt different. More like the ones he used to get before giving a presentation at school.
He took extra care getting ready before heading to the shoot.
The set was already busy when he arrived. A woman with a clipboard ushered him toward the dressing room, where someone immediately guided him into a chair and started on his hair. Next to him, a girl sat getting her makeup done, her expression distant, like she’d checked out hours ago.
The shoot focused on jewelry, so most of the shots were close-ups, his face, his hands, the pieces carefully arranged to catch the light. Between takes, they swapped out shirts, adjusted details, repositioned everything until it looked exactly right.
And surprisingly, it was fun.
Once the initial rush settled and they realized they were on schedule, the atmosphere relaxed. People talked, laughed, complimented each other’s work. It felt easy.
A few hours later, the project was finished. People exchanged congratulations, pleased with what they'd accomplished, and started packing up.
Kai returned to the dressing room to change. He was just removing the last of the jewelry when the door opened behind him.
Tessa stepped in, grinning.
“I just saw some of the shots. Oh my god, they look amazing. I can’t wait until these are published.”
“Thanks,” Kai said, a little quieter.
“I wanted to come earlier, but, you know how it is.” She waved it off. “How was it? You had a good time?”
“Yeah. It was good. Everyone was nice.”
“They better be,” she said quickly, then checked the time on her phone. “I’ve got to run. But you should celebrate tonight. Not too hard, you’re not 21 yet.”
She shot him a mock-strict look, though the smile in her eyes gave her away.
Kai laughed softly. “I’ll try.”
She left as quickly as she’d come.
He followed not long after, saying his goodbyes on the way out.
It wasn’t until he got home, halfway through getting ready for a shower, that he noticed.
The necklace was still dangling around his neck. He must have forgotten to take it off.
For a moment, he considered going back, but it was late. The set would be empty by now.
He unclasped it and let it hang from his fingers, examining it.
It was one of the orb designs, a ring wrapped around a small sphere, like a tiny version of Saturn. The green center caught the light, glinting softly against the silver.
He turned it slightly, watching the way it reflected. He liked it.
And it wasn’t like he’d stolen it. Not really. He’d just… forgotten.
He stared at it for another second before carefully placing it on his nightstand. Somehow, he'd already decided to keep it.
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Once the jobs started going well, they really started going well.
That also happened to line up with the beginning of September, and that meant fashion week preparations. All of Manhattan seemed to fill with models, stylists, journalists, and anyone even remotely involved in the industry.
Tessa sent him updated versions of his schedule every few hours, and Kai went to more fittings than he’d thought possible. He also finally understood what she’d meant when she said they would appreciate his height.
Runway casting directors.
It was far more stressful than he’d imagined. When he’d done Paris in the spring, it had been three shows total. Now, he had around five planned each day.
He still didn’t know how he was supposed to manage that.
What if he got stuck in traffic? Or got lost?
And yet, despite everything, he was excited.
Working was actually fun, at least when it felt like he was really doing something.
It turned out to be much worse than he’d anticipated.
Every day, he woke before dawn, went to his first fitting, then straight to a show, then the next, and the next. He rushed from location to location, along with everyone else doing the same, turning New York into something even more chaotic than usual.
At times, it made the city feel less like a metropolis and more like a reality show with far too many contestants.
Kai developed a particular hatred for designers who insisted on hosting their shows in Brooklyn. Either they hadn’t thought about the logistics at all, or they simply didn’t care.
By the time he got home each night, it was already dark. He would collapse into bed, exhausted, only to repeat it all the next day.
At some point, it all started to blur together.
By the end of the week, he felt like he deserved a month off. He was only a quarter of the way through.
At least Tessa would be with him in London. Otherwise, he would have been completely lost.
He spent most of the flight asleep, only waking when the plane shook during landing. He wouldn’t have minded a few more hours.
The following weeks weren’t any better.
By the time they reached Paris, Kai barely knew which show he was doing at any given moment. The constant mix of French, English, and Italian blurred into a dull wall of noise.
In Milan, he started napping whenever he could, curled into chairs between shows. It didn’t really help. He was always tired. His muscles ached from awkward positions, and his skin felt permanently dry from makeup being applied and scrubbed off multiple times a day.
If it hadn’t been for Tessa, who more or less forced him to eat and drink while guiding him from one location to the next, he probably would have forgotten entirely.
One small thing made it more bearable.
Most stylists didn’t mind him using in-ear headphones, as long as they didn’t interfere with his hair. And almost everyone else was doing something similar anyway, listening to music, staring into space, or sitting so still with their eyes closed that Kai suspected they were asleep.
So he started putting on Twitch streams.
Usually by the same creator.
Jule.
Sometimes he wasn’t even watching, just listening. His voice was smooth, a little deep, kind of soothing and all in all just very nice to listen to. Familiar, in a way nothing else around him was.
It helped.
Just enough to get through another fitting. Another show. Another day.
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By the time he made it back to his apartment in New York, he barely reached his bed before collapsing.
When he woke the next day, it almost didn’t feel real, like the past few weeks had happened to someone else.
His phone told him he’d slept for twelve hours straight.
After a long shower, the hunger hit all at once.
He swung open the cabinet doors, only to be greeted by empty shelves. Right, he hadn’t been home in weeks.
Not in the mood to go grocery shopping, he grabbed his things and went out to find some breakfast. At nearly two in the afternoon.
At least it was easy to find good food in this city.
He ended up with a burger and fries and took it to a park by the water. It was nice sitting there and eating something slowly again.
Afterward, he called his mom.
She wasn’t thrilled about how long it had been, but she was clearly relieved to hear from him. After about thirty minutes, and several reassurances that he was fine and that he would call again soon, she finally let him go.
He checked his emails next.
Tessa had already sent him an updated version of his portfolio.
Of course she had.
Kai had no idea how she managed it, especially after traveling with him across Europe. Nothing seemed urgent enough to deal with right now, though.
So he didn’t.
Instead, he stayed where he was a little longer, just enjoying the quiet.