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“What is your name, foolish adventurer?” Asked Polyphemus. He stomped closer, every footstep shaking stones from the ceiling of the cave. The singular glowing red eye on his forehead was narrowed in rage as his hands cradled the limp, bloodied body of his favorite sheep.
‘Favorite sheep’ my ass, Odysseus thought, if they truly are your favorite sheep, maybe don’t leave them idling around in the middle of an empty cave?!
A nudge to his side from Polites brought the captain back to the task at hand. The cyclops was still looming above him and his men, all of whom were huddled behind Odysseus as if they could hide from the furious glare of the huge monster.
“My name,” Odysseus began, “is-” then he hesitated. He was going to say “Nobody” just in case the cyclops had friends, but now that he thought about it…
“My name,” he said again, “is Your Mom.” With enormous effort, he forced his face to remain impassive even as quiet giggles broke out from the 600 men behind him. Next to him, Polites had grabbed onto Eurylochys’s shoulder to stay on his feet, shoulders heaving silently with barely controlled mirth. The winion on Polites’s shoulder had also released a quick squeak of laughter.
Even though the cyclops wasn’t very bright, he did shoot a suspicious glance at Odysseus’s crew.
To completely pass off his act, Odysseus whirled around, cape flapping dramatically behind him, “SILENCE! You all have heard your captain’s name hundreds of times before! What is so funny about it right now, pray tell?” Even though his words were harsh and sharp, the gleam of mischief in his eyes gave away his plan.
Snapping to attention, Eurylochus saluted toward his captain, the rest of the men quickly following suit. “Of course, Captain,” he said, “we were merely acknowledging the glory of the name of our king!”
Odysseus nodded his head in grateful acknowledgement before he turned back to the monster. Reaching into the depths of his cloak, he withdrew a large ceramic bottle of lotus-laced wine. Brandishing the ceramic vessel above his head like one would with a treasured item, he called out, “Oh great and mighty cyclops! We did not mean to invade your home or kill your sheep. We were merely hungry and searching for food to fill our hungry stomachs, you see. I offer to you the most precious treasure of all as our apology: wine!”
“Hmm…” Polyphemus squinted his single eye, bending down to examine the bottle. Using one giant hand, he delicately pulled the cork out of the bottle.
The sweet scent of fermented grapes wafted through the musty cave air. Polyphemus greedily sniffed in the smell before snatching up the entire vessel and dumping every last drop of the contents into his cavernous mouth.
The atmosphere was tense as the army watched the cyclops’s expression closely.
Finally, he said, “Your Mom,” a tiny snicker was heard before quickly being muffled to silence, “this…wine you speak of. It tastes good. I like it.”
Heaving a huge sigh of relief, Odysseus felt the previous tension lift from his shoulders. Now all he needed to do was keep the cyclops occupied until it passed out from the lotus he spiked the drink with beforehand. Then he and his crew could grab as many sheep as possible and sail away without a single casualty to grieve.
With his talent in bullshitting his way out of practically any situation, this should be a simple task for the king of Ithaca.
“So, mighty cyclops,” he said, “if this wine pleases you so, does this mean that you will let us go unharmed?”
“Mmm…” Polyphemus tapped his chin with one large finger. Odysseus could visibly see the gears turning in the tiny head behind the huge eyeball.
After a few seconds passed without an answer, Odysseus felt his patience begin to run thin. “Well?” He prompted.
“I think…No.” Polyphemus decided. His voice held a cold finality that made the hairs on the back of Odysseus’s neck stand straight up.
The rest of the crew seemed to have felt the same, as the quiet shiiink of blades being drawn quickly became audible. On Polites’s shoulder, the winion chittered angrily, its fur bristling.
“Stop!” Odysseus ordered, throwing up a hand to prevent a slaughter from occurring. Swords and shields clattered noisily behind him as his men halted, albeit reluctantly.
His mind whirling with half-formed plans, Odysseus swiftly gestured for Polites to join him at the front. The pitter-patter of footsteps was loud on the stone as Polites jogged up to stand next to his friend, glasses crooked and headband waving in the nonexistent breeze.
“You’re the guy with all the sunshiny friendship ideas,” Odysseus hissed out of the corner of his mouth, “please work your magic or we are going to be squashed.”
“Uhm. Right.” Polites coughed into his fist before speaking, straightening his back and pasting a confident expression onto his terrified face, “HELLO, CYCLOPS! I AM…YOUR MOM’S FRIEND!”
Odysseus cringed, “Did you have to word it like that? Really?”
“Hey, you asked for my help here, let me work my magic,” Polites whispered back.
“Hurry up and speak!” The cyclops roared, “Before I crush your skulls with my club!” He glared and lifted said hunk of wood menacingly above his head like a splintery baseball bat.
Polites squawked in alarm before he yelped, “Waitwaitwait-you can’t kill us yet! There are still more gifts we have to give to you!”
“Gifts?”
“Yeah, gifts. Y-you liked the wine right? Well, here’s something even better than wine!” Polite’s voice was tinged with a frantic undertone as he gestured for Odysseus to drag over a nearby bag.
If anybody else had ordered the king of Ithaca to do something as menial as fetch a random bag, Odysseus would have given them an earful about respect. However, this was Polites. Plus, his entire crew was counting on them, sooo…
Odysseus went to go get the bag.
Grabbing the burlap sack, he yanked it forward until it sat sad and lumpy by his friend’s foot. Dumping out the contents revealed enough lotus fruit to probably knock out a god.
Speaking of knocking out a god…
Athena’s voice abruptly rang out loud and clear in Odysseus’s head, “Whatever you are thinking of doing, my student, you better drop that idea.”
Or not. Odysseus winced and sent the mental version of an apology to his mentor.
Meanwhile, Polites was acting like a door-to-door salesman. “And here, we have the lotus fruit! You, my cyclops friend, are going to LOVE this! It’s juicy, and sweet, and guess what?” He paused a second for suspense, eyes sparkling behind his glasses when Polyphemus leaned forward in interest, “It tastes even BETTER than humans do! Plus, we can give you this entire bag for FREE! At the very cheap cost of not eating my friends and Ody- I mean, Your Mom!”
Behind him, Eurylochus choked on his spit and coughed violently, causing the rest of the crew to break into giggles all over again. Odysseus tried very hard not to facepalm.
Apparently, Polyphemus also had severe hearing issues as he didn’t seem to hear a single thing other than what the puny human in front of him was saying.
He was also pretty dang hungry. As soon as Polites was finished with his speech, a fat hand darted down and snatched up the entire bundle of lotus fruit before tossing it into its large cavern of a mouth. Glowing juice dribbled down his chin as he chewed.
Every single person watched with baited breath as Polyphemus devoured the fruit. The flesh squelched with every chew, reminding Odysseus of what would happen if his plan failed.
Luckily, approximately 15 seconds later, the cyclops’s single eye rolled up in his head and he collapsed to the ground out cold. The cave shook and dust rained from the ceiling when he hit the ground, club rolling away from his limp hand.
Silence. Then the crew broke into cheers, praising their captain and Polites for defeating the cyclops without a single casualty. When Odysseus ordered them to sharpen the club, they worked with high spirits, quickly finishing the job in no time.
“Whew!” Polites strolled up to stand beside his captain and friend, sweaty from the hard work but grinning like a fiend, “Nice job, Ody! Or should I say…” he smirked mischievously, eyes glinting behind his glasses, “Your Mom?”
Odysseus sighed in feigned exasperation and rolled his eyes, “Well, Zeus forbid that I have a little sense of humor on this long journey of ours. Besides, if it saves our lives, then that is all I can ask for, my friend.”
“Captain!” Eurylochus interrupted. He was standing with the rest of the crew next to a sharpened spike that was previously the cyclop’s club. “We have finished sharpening the club and are ready for the next stage of your plan.”
“Good.” Odysseus strode forward to inspect the work. “Polites?”
“Yes sir?”
“Gather up half of my men, take the sheep, and prepare the ship for departure.”
“Got it.” Polites corralled up the sheep with the help of 300 men before they began marching the short journey back to the ships.
This left Odysseus, Eurylochus, and the rest of the crew in the cave to ready the wooden pike. Odysseus was willing to listen to his friend’s advice of providing mercy, but threatening to massacre his entire crew over a single sheep? That was something that pissed him off. Besides, blinding someone technically wasn’t murder.
“Okay,” Odysseus gestured to the large boulders scattered around the cave, “once we get this spike in his eye, we are going to hide behind these rocks. No screaming, no running out, no fighting, and certainly no noise. Got it?”
“Yes captain!” Came the chorus of responses. Every man had the steely glint of determination in their eyes. They wouldn’t dare to disobey their captain after he had just helped them win with his silver tongue and quick thinking, just like he did in Troy with the wooden horse.
With quick efficiency, Odysseus deployed his orders. Men on both sides of the enlarged spear, lifting it until it was parallel to the ground with the sharpened point directly in front of the cyclop’s single enormous closed eye.
Quiet, urgent whispers echoed through the cavern as last-minute preparations were made. It took longer than Odysseus would like, but the risk of the pike missing its mark and waking up the cyclops was a risk he couldn’t take. Sunlight began to quickly slip away as day fell to dusk, shadows lengthening to show the passage of time.
The sun had just dipped to touch the horizon when the plan was ready. Just in time, as the cyclops groaned, twitching, just as the spike was heaved forward.
In a normally sized human eye, there is about 4-5 millimeters of fluid. Barely a few drops. But in an eyeball the size of a basketball, there was enough fluid that it splattered out in thick droplets when pierced.
Odysseus made a face as the goo seeped across the stone, attempting to ignore the eardrum-shattering roars of pure agony from the now-awake cyclops. He grabbed onto a frozen Eurylochus’s shoulder and steered him around until they were both hidden behind a rock. Out of the corner of his eye, he spied the rest of his men doing the same. So far so good.
Meanwhile, Polyphemus had gone directly from anger to blubbering like a child that had dropped their ice cream. A seeming innocent image marred by thick blood slipping out from under his closed eyelid, evidence of Odysseus’s plan to blind him. Polyphemus stomped toward the back of the cave, globs of clotted blood leaving a grisly trail in his path until he collapsed to his knees with a howl of rage.
Awakened by their brother’s tantrum, things began to shift in the dark. Multitudes of eyes began to open, all focused on Polyphemus as he cried out.
Odysseus felt his blood run cold at the sight. He had planned for this, yes, but he did not know just how many siblings the cyclops had. Beside him, Eurylochus tensed up, hand flying to his sword automatically, “Captain…”
Odysseus forced his second-in-command’s sword arm down, giving him a stern glance as he whispered, “Remain still, Eurylochus. To draw your blade now would be suicide. Be patient and wait for my command.”
Eurylochus opened his mouth to argue, but seemed to think better of it. Reluctantly, he slid his sword back into its sheath and continued to watch the scene play out.
The eyes in the dark all narrowed in unison upon spying the crimson drops scattered everywhere. With voices promising vengeance, they growled, “Who hurt you, Polyphemus? Tell us and they will pay.”
With barely a beat of hesitation, Polyphemus said, “Your Mom! Your Mom hurt me!”
The eyes stared at him, shocked into silence.
Confused, Polyphemus waited for a reply, unable to see his siblings. “Brothers? Did you hear me?”
A hand suddenly emerged from the shadows and bitch-slapped Polyphemus right across his bloodied face. “Stfu, bro. You ain’t gonna trick us like that again. We don’t even have a mom, idiot. Poseidon made us.” Multiple hands shot out from the dark, and dragged Polyphemus into the shadows where the sounds of someone being beat up quickly commenced.
Soon after, a different cyclops also yelled, “Get bouldered, idiot!” Followed by the sound of a large rock being slammed onto someone’s head, punctuated by a shrill scream that sounded more like a chicken with throat cancer instead of a cyclops.
Beside his captain, Eurylochus looked like his brain had bluescreened as he watched the scene play out. He only snapped out of it when Odysseus began shoving him towards the exit, “Captain, pardon my language, but what the fuck?”
With the cyclops all focused on beating up Polyphemus, the crew were able to escape the cave undetected and make their way to their awaiting ship.
As they sailed away towards home, Odysseus’s pride caused him to recklessly yell one final thing towards the island, “My name is Odysseus, Odysseus of Ithaca! And you better remember that I was the one who took out your eye!”
Unbeknownst to him, Polyphemus heard every word. A wicked grin split his face, and despite missing his eye and a couple of teeth, he knew he would get his revenge.
When Odysseus returned to his quarters to take a nice long rest, he startled to a stop when the world suddenly went grey, “Athena?”
Grey fog swirled around him in a hypnotic manner before quickly dissipating to reveal the goddess of wisdom in all of her divine glory. Despite standing a good five feet taller than Odysseus, it was Athena’s empty but critical gaze that caused sweat to bead at the back of her protege’s neck.
“Odysseus.”
“Why exactly are you here if you don’t mind me asking?”
Athena regarded him with cold eyes, scanning him from head to toe. As if she was taking a mental catalog of all the sins Odysseus had committed. “Hm. I was about to berate you for letting that cyclops survive. But I have changed my mind. Your…prank was enough to entertain me. Consider yourself lucky, Odysseus, I rarely hand out chances like these.”
“...Thanks?”
“You are welcome. Now go to bed, you workaholic.”
When Odysseus went to sleep, the night passed without incident. But as the sun broke the horizon the next day, he could sense a change. The sea looked abnormally calm, the wind was sluggish, and ocean currents were practically nonexistent. His men attempted to row in any direction, but no landmark appeared even after hours of nonstop exertion.
As the blazing afternoon sun beat down ruthlessly, Odysseus became even more on edge, snapping at anyone who bothered him for even a moment. His patience was wearing thin, and the waiting wasn’t doing his mood any favors.
Finally, as he was sending orders to his other ships, Odysseus noticed a couple ripples radiating out from an area close to his ship. He rushed over to squint over the railing before his eyes widened in realization.
“Poseidon.”
The world exploded in a froth of seawater and seaweed as Poseidon emerged from the depths. Odysseus’s ships were all pushed back by the resulting whitecaps, wood creaking from the rough treatment.
Shades of blue and teal coalesced into a huge mass of water before it fell to reveal a storm-weathered face with eyes as cold and sharp as shards of ice.
“ODYSSEUS OF ITHACA,” he roared, spreading his arms wide in a display of grandeur, “DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?”
“L-lord Poseidon,” Odysseus stammered out, “to what do we owe the honor of meeting you to?” He jolted when Poseidon’s enlarged face suddenly swooped down to stop inches in front of his own, blocking out the sun with how it loomed over him.
“Hah. You look like a shrimp,” Poseidon snorted dismissively, “nothing like how I expected the man who tricked my son to look.”
Odysseus blinked, affronted. Sure, mortals were practically ants compared to gods, but Poseidon didn’t have to bodyshame him like that…
The god continued, “Anyways, I was planning to murder you and destroy your entire fleet, buuut you’re funny. And I’m feeling nice today.”
Odysseus had gone as white as a sheet when Poseidon mentioned killing him and all 600 of his men, stiffening in a comical manner.
The god of the sea looked down and laughed cruelly at the mortal’s expression, mouth full of jagged fangs like the teeth of a great white shark. “Now, now, Ody. Don’t go panicking on me now, your ability to keep calm was one of your most redeeming qualities if I do say so myself, after all.”
“Go home, Odysseus,” Poseidon growled menacingly, a complete 180 from the humored facade he put up earlier, “for this once, I will allow you to return home to your wife unimpeded. But I better never see you near my sons EVER AGAIN! You hear me?!”
Odysseus jumped from the sudden outburst, schooling his expression quickly when the god finished his threat, “Y-yes, Lord Poseidon. I promise I will never even attempt to sail near your children from now on.”
Poseidon huffed before he dove into the ocean with a dramatic splash, leaving practically no trace of him ever being there.
Despite being thoroughly shaken up, none of the crew were injured, and they were able to sail back to Ithaca safely. Odysseus eventually reclaimed his throne, and got to see his wife and son again with a LOT less trauma. Then they lived happily ever after!
Entire story inspired off this one image I found on Pinterest like a year ago. I believe that this is the original creator of this comic.
