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hollanov and the tartan army vs the boston cop slide

Summary:

Ilya and Shane go to visit some old friends in Boston, and Ilya decides catch the Haiti vs Scotland game at a bar with Cliff. They meet the Tartan Army. Chaos ensues.

Notes:

(See the end of the work for notes.)

Work Text:

TMZ ✔ @TMZ

NHL star Ilya Rozanov spotted having dinner in Boston with ex-girlfriend Svetlana Vetrova, model and daughter of famed hockey coach. Trouble in paradise for the first husbands of hockey? 👀  

Attached image: Ilya Rozanov and Svetlana Vetrova leaving an upscale Russian restaurant in Boston, hand in hand and smiling fondly.

 

sveta 🌹 @svetlanavetrova

i always love when you visit ilyushka, although i like your husband better 😽 

Attached image: A selfie of Svetlana, Ilya, and Shane Hollander in the living room of Ilya's apartment in Boston. Svetlana is sitting on a couch and has her face pressed up against Shane's, who is grinning back at her. Ilya is behind the couch holding up a peace sign.

Shane Hollander ✔ @ShaneHollanderHockey 

We loved seeing you Sveta!

Ilya Rozanov ✔  @ilyarozanov81

It's ok I like him better too

 

Shane ❤ 

11:06 PM

Have fun watching the game with Cliff tonight

Not too much fun please

And text me when you're headed home

i will don't worry

 i love you

Love you too Ilya ❤ 

1:31 AM

what the fuck is this

(Attached image: A very blurry photo of The Pheonix Landing in Boston. The photo is so blurry that nothing is discernible apart from the vague shape of the bar and a few bodies in front of the camera.)

they ran out of beer shane how does a bar run out of beer

What?

Ilya are you okay?

Do I need to come pick you up?

no am fine i am not that drunk

because they drank all the beer

why are they all scottish

Ok this isn't giving me a lot of confidence Ilya

open twitter

will help

Twitter never helps with anything, Ilya

it will this time i promise

they drank all the beer shanya

Ok I'm confused enough that I'm opening Twitter

 

Trending: Scottish Boston

Boston Herald ✔ @bostonherald

Bars across Boston are being flooded by thousands of Scots gearing up to watch the Scottish National Football Team play in the FIFA World Cup for the first time in decades. Bostonians are reportedly charmed and fascinated by the gusto of the Tartan Army. Famous bars across Boston have reported that they are running out of beer thanks to the Scots' unbelievably high alcohol tolerance.

Attached video: A man in a thick beard and kilt stands atop a bar with World Cup coverage playing on the televisions behind him. He is playing the bagpipes as the crowd around him chants "no Scotland no party" with a notably Scottish lilt.

 

City of Boston ✔ @cityofbostonofficial

We love you Tartan Army!

 

Cliff Marleau ✔ @cliffmarleauraiders

This is our new friend Seamus. He said he packed 2 pairs of shorts, a kilt, 35 Scotland football jerseys, and one Croatian jersey since Croatia is playing England.

Attached image: A bald man with a thick beard sitting between Ilya Rozanov and Cliff Marleau. The three are holding large pints of beer and ginning wildly at the camera.

Ilya Rozanov ✔ @ilyarozanov81

Seamus you do not have to leave. You and your friends should stay. I have empty apartment. Boston more like Scotston

FUCK THE ENGLISH @seamusjd1991

I would love to say yes but something tells me I won't agree in the morning

FUCK THE ENGLISH @seamusjd1991

Wait why have you both got check marks on your names what have I missed

luca haas lovebot @hollanovisreal

turns out all i need to do to be in a cliff marleau ilya rozanov sandwich is be a very passionate soccer fan from scotland

FUCK THE ENGLISH @seamusjd1991

What the fuck mate

Shane ❤ 

1:55 AM

Ok I guess understand more now

see i told you

very wholesome

For now

 

go cens go! @1sthusbandsofhockey

i'm with my wife in a bar in boston for the world cup game and i'm currently watching ilya rozanov getting beat at a drinking contest by a bunch of scottish men. they're all wearing blue and white and tartan except for one guy who is in a full ass wedding dress for some reason. this is the weirdest crossover episode ever i feel like i'm in a fever dream

 

City of Boston ✔ @cityofbostonofficial

As a reminder to any newcomers to the city, the playground at the Boston City Hall Plaza is intended for children under the age of twelve.


nellie @penelopecomas

respectfully this is the funniest shit i've ever seen. to any members of the tartan army, myself or any other bostonian would be delighted to show you the wonders of the boston cop slide

 

Hollanov Tracker @hollanovtrackerofficial

Ilya Rozanov and former teammate Cliff Marleau have been spotted entertaining the Tartan Army in downtown Boston.

Attached video: Ilya Rozanov kneels in front of a statue to allow a tall man in a kilt holding a traffic cone to stand on his shoulders. The man of course places the traffic cone on the head of the statue to thunderous applause and cheering.

 

Ilya Rozanov ✔ @ilyarozanov81

Is a terrible day to be from Haiti.

go cens go! @1sthusbandsofhockey

and a fucking incredible day to be a gay cens fan who married a scot i guess good lord

 

Shane ❤ 

3:19 AM

they are going on the slide

Ilya.

Not again.

is fine i am big strong hockey player

I think that's exactly the problem Ilya

ok i will not go on slide

I don't believe you

i married a very smart man

I give up

 

FUCK THE ENGLISH @seamusjd1991

I learned much about hockey this weekend

Attached video 1/2: Ilya Rozanov and Cliff Marleau stand in a circle of men in various Scottish jerseys and football merch. Some wear kilts and a couple are holding bagpipes.

ILYA: What do you wear under it?

MAN BEHIND CAMERA: Nothing.

Ilya's jaw drops.

ILYA: You just watched me and Marley go down right after you.

There's an extended bout of laughter.

MAN BEHIND CAMERA: You lot wouldn't have done it if we had told you sooner.

Ilya and Cliff exchange a look before joining the rest in laughing hysterically.

Attached video 2/2: Cliff Marleau comes barreling down the slide, landing squarely on his ass on the ground. Ilya Rozanov is right behind him, and Ilya lands directly on top of Cliff. Everyone laughs.

Cliff Marleau ✔ @cliffmarleauraiders

Careful Seamus you're going to get us another strongly worded email from the commissioner

Ilya Rozanov ✔ @ilyarozanov81

Is ok I get 10 of those a day

Notes:

hope you enjoyed this silly little fic! my mom is from scotland and i fucking love the headcanons about the raiders and the cop slide, so when this popped into my head i simply could not get it out. everything the tartan army does in this fic i either read about happening in boston in the past couple weeks or i saw myself in the streets of edinburgh. no scotland no party!!