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Tyler can't sleep.
His eyelids felt like weights were forced down on them and yet he still couldn't get a single minute of sleep to himself
He knew it was his own fault he was still awake, he merely predicted it. Every night this temptation had cursed him as he lay stiffly in the back of the van sweating profusely.
His mind wouldn't shut off. Everything in his head had still projected in vivid color perfectly when he closed his eyes, recollecting the memory. This shouldn't go on any longer or else he'd start listening to even the thought of it, of him.
This curse had disguised itself in the form of this holy being that had possession of his soul and mind.
Pretty curls, Freckles that reflected in the sun radiating like stardust particles across his face, A sloped nose that would perfectly fit against his like a finishing puzzle piece if he dared to get close.
He felt warmth in this image that he conjured up in his consciousness. Even if he fell asleep it wouldn't go away, a stain he couldn't scrub no matter how hard he tried. That brought him both comfort and unease
he knew this was all to deceive him, A test of will to stray him away from his rightful path. He would suffer the consequences of even considering this thought he would lose everything before it started.
He can hear his own labored breathing. He felt his presence nearby
When did he get so close by?
When had he forgotten how to breathe?
He wished it had been easy just to ignore the other body that had accompanied him but with every second that passed it had been harder to ignore.
It was just convenience that he'd chosen to sleep so closely by him. There wasn't much space in the van so it's not like he had a lot of choices
That's what he told himself but he can only feel disgusting. Josh had made him feel sinful.
Why is it that when he stole a glance at the sleeping figure next to him he felt like gouging his eyes out until he couldn't see his face anymore.
His eyes began to sting from his attempts at preventing tears from spilling he curled in on himself and quietly sobbed
“Tyler?” Josh’s voice is gruff from sleep and Tyler swears his heart is about to explode.
He wondered if he was able to hear all of his disgusting thoughts sometimes, god knew he wasn’t good at hiding them. Everyone could see what was wrong with him.
Tyler felt the surface beneath them shift under him as the other man turned to his side, now directly giving him his undeserving attention.
“What time is it?” He asked, and Tyler felt his skin burn as the heat of his breath brushed up against his cheek.
Tyler quickly wiped the wetness from under his eyes with his sleeve before patting his hand along the trunk of the van in search of his phone. The cold from the metal felt like a sting as he picked it up. The screen blared in his eyes, and it took a moment to even be able to make out the numbers.
“2:34.” He said it barely above a whisper, he'd be surprised if he’d even heard him at all.
“How long have you been awake?” Josh's eyes were visible now, the light from the small window creeping in reflecting his pretty brown irises.
“Haven’t slept,” he said simply.
“Are you feeling alright?” Despite being half asleep, his worry was still carried in his voice. Tyler didn’t know what he did to deserve somebody like this. It makes him want to vomit.
“Yeah, fine, just not tired, I guess.” he couldn’t make up a good enough excuse quickly enough, he’d just hope he’d accept his response.
Josh hummed softly. And again Tyler was entranced by his slow, heavy breaths as he lay silent for a moment.
“What’s on your mind?” He asked, and Tyler had felt like his brain and heart had just been sat out on a display for Josh to look at, all while he was stuck, locked away and forced to watch as he dissected every one of his disgusting sinful fantasies.
“Just, show stuff.” very convincing.
Not convincing enough apparently.
“Show stuff,” Josh huffed a laugh. “What show stuff?”
“Just– nothing, nevermind it’s not important. Just go back to sleep.” Tyler wanted badly to just leave this conversation, he thought he might explode if he didn't.
“Wait, wait sorry, I wanna hear.” He assured, placing his hand on Tyler's shoulder, which he quickly pushed off .If it’d bothered him, he didn't show it.
“Theres nothing to hear, It’s just hot in here is all.”
“I thought you said you ‘weren’t tired’.”
‘Well,"he tried thinking. His brain was lagging due to his lack of sleep. “It’s hard to be tired when you’re sweating.”
Josh smiled at that, and Tyler could see the way his canines poked out like little fangs. God, what wasn’t there to love about this man? And why did it have to be Tyler that thought that.
“I guess,” He laughed, a little too loud for the quiet of the van, and if Tyler hadn't already felt like he was falling into temptation, he sure did when he covered his palm over Josh's mouth for a moment to keep him from waking the other guys.
He quickly peeled his hand away as fast as he had placed it, and to be fair his method was effective, because Josh wasn’t laughing anymore. In fact, he looked concerned.
“Your face is wet.” He mumbled.
“Sweat.” Tyler quickly countered, moving away just a bit to try making himself smaller.
“Tyler.” Josh pleaded, still giving him his full attention. He thought he might throw up. He looked so concerned it made him sick to look at. What made it worse was the fact the concern had been aimed at him. And god knew he didn't deserve such a thing.
Why couldn't he ever bring himself to turn away, Why was he so entrancing yet haunting? Even when Josh was worried about him he can't stop looking at his lips, fuck.
It would've been so much easier if he hated him. He's gonna mess this up just like with everything else in his life. The only person who truly believes he's got a shot at this music thing is going to leave him.
“I just really–” He rubbed away his eyes, leaving the skin raw and red. “I can’t lose this Josh— I can’t lose what we’ve made–” His body shook as he tried his hardest to stop the tears from spilling out of his eyes.
He didn’t wanna wake Mark or Michael up in the front. He was so selfish for behaving like this to begin with. Now Josh had to deal with him too. He was always someone who had to be dealt with, he always had a problem that needed to be fixed. He couldn’t ever do anything on his own.
Even with the band, now he was putting so much hope into Josh; this guy he’d only met around a year ago.
He was becoming such a stain to Josh's life, and that was without him knowing all the disgusting thoughts Tyler had conjured up in his filthy skull, which was behind his head gently between the drummer's hands as he tried his best to calm him down.
He wanted so badly to pull away, to just disappear and get out of Josh's sight. Yet he let himself relish in the feeling of being cared for, having his face gently cradled as he sobbed above his pillow.
“You’re not losing–” Josh began, but Tyler cut him off.
“I can’t lose you.” He clarified what had really been his biggest fear. Just below the fear of going to hell for how he’d felt.
“Tyler—“ he tried consoling him, but was shut down as Tyler’s sobs cut him off.
“You don’t get it, you don’t know how disgusting I am,”
“How are you disgusting?”
“I’m not—“ he rubbed his eyes, his vision blurred with the tears filling them. “I’m sinful, I’m gross and my brain it, it has these thoughts and I can’t stop them no matter how hard—“ he paused to heave in a hard breath, nearly feeling lightheaded as he tried to spit out every thought he could in the moment whilst still trying not to wake anybody else up.
Josh moved a hand to his shoulder, giving it a soft comforting squeeze.
“Try to breathe okay, I want to listen.” His voice was only soft enough for the other man to hear. For a moment Tyler felt like he was the only person on earth at that moment.
His breaths were shaky as he tried his best to slow them down, just enough to talk again. This might be the only time he gets the chance.
Tyler was so selfish. Here he is, holding and comforting him in the back of their hot cramped tour van while he should be getting rest so he can play with Tyler’s stupid band the next day.
He knows all Josh is trying to do is comfort him, keep him from doing something stupid. I mean, everyone thought Tyler should be put on suicide watch.
They hadn’t said that directly to him but he’d heard comments in passing. He was self destructive. It was almost like he was only capable of hurting himself in one way or another. Whether it was physically or mentally.
He deserved to hurt, and Josh gave him another reason, and that couldn’t have been more apparent as Tyler stayed locked and focused between Josh’s eyes and lips whilst he’s lying there, abandoning his own rest to deal with him.
“Okay,” Josh began, his voice barely above a whisper, meant only for Tyler’s ears. “Why do you feel disgusted?”
Oh, had he admitted that? He couldn’t seem to remember anything past Josh’s lips that had only been a few inches from his own.
Well there, Josh, there’s one reason.
“I just think things I shouldn’t.” He put it simply, he knew there was no point now in just pretending everything was alright.
“My brain is all fucked up, and I can’t— I’m disgusting. I think about things I know I shouldn’t, I fantasize about— god if you only knew...” Josh looked almost startled by the curse and if Tyler hadn’t felt like he was dying he’d probably broke out laughing, but he felt himself shake again, tears falling down his cheeks.
He was sure he looked horrible. He always got all red and puffy when he cried. It was gross to look at.
“I can’t lose you, I can’t have you hate me, but I’m giving you so many reasons to hate me, I just wish you’d fill up someone else’s thoughts.”
The cursing may have shocked Josh, but compared to the way his mouth hung open now cussing seemed like it had been the usual.
Holy shit. He was so screwed. He’d done it now, there was no easy way to backtrack what he’d said. Neither of their sleeps would matter tonight now, because the band was totally fucked.
“I fill up your thoughts?” He asked, and it was so quiet Tyler worried he may have imagined it.
He looked, well, he couldn’t tell if he looked happy or sad. Maybe a mix of both? Tyler usually had no problem reading Josh, he was an open book with him. But at that moment it was like he’d never met the guy.
“I’m sorry.” Was all Tyler could manage. What else could he really say? It was hard to even make out any words when his eyes were still focused on him.
What if he did just, go for it now? He’d already admitted to thinking about him non-stop. I mean, at this rate they were already screwed, Josh would hate him and they’d split. Tyler would have to quit this whole thing and maybe try to go back to college. Or commit suicide. Either was fine.
“Don’t.” Josh stopped him, clearing his throat. “Don’t say sorry please.”
Maybe Tyler was just losing it. I mean that would be completely possible. But Josh was crying, Josh was crying. He was crying and it had been Tyler’s fault. What the fuck else could he do wrong?
Maybe stare at his lips until he can’t handle staring anymore, think about how his lip ring would feel against his own lips, how his stubble would feel against his chin.
Was Josh a good kisser? He had to be, Tyler thought there was no way he wasn’t he had plenty of girlfriends before meeting him. Would everything have been better if Tyler had just been a girl? It was a long shot but maybe he’d have at least a two percent chance of having him.
“Tyler,” Josh whispered.
That was it. He was fucking gone. He practically lunged himself closer, closing the small distance that had remained uncomfortably between the two.
The kiss only lasted maybe a couple of seconds, and god, god god god Tyler could swear that he was meant to do that. He was put on this earth for the sole purpose of feeling this boy's lips on his. If being this way was a sin, why did God make it feel so good?
They separated for a moment and before he could even have the chance to try to apologize or dramatically leave the van and sob alone somewhere, the gap that remained had been quickly closed again. But this time by Josh.
The way in which he kissed Tyler was nearly desperate, his hand had quickly made it to his lower back, holding him closer as he shifted their positions to get more control over the kiss.
Tyler held onto him like he was a life line. Having Josh take the reins was like some kind of confirmation from the world that this was okay.
He wanted to just think it was okay, this was enjoyable. He never wanted to pull away. In fact, in the moment he’d throw the whole idea of heaven away and gladly end up in hell if it meant getting to experience Josh’s lips on his.
His question had been answered, Josh was an amazing kisser.
Tyler had kissed girls before of course, not a lot by any stretch of the imagination, but he did. But those kisses never felt like this.
This was completely new territory, it wasn’t awkward. Josh’s lips slotted perfectly on Tyler’s, and his nose softly pressed the side of his own when he’d titled his head to lean in.
Tyler pulled away for a second just to catch his breath, and if he hadn’t placed his hand on Josh’s chest he was sure that he’d never stop. They were starved. Tyler could see it in the way Josh’s eyes had glossed over, studying the features of his face.
“You’re a really good kisser..” Tyler admitted, deeply inhaling, trying to regain the air that had been stolen by the angel above him.
“Don’t give me too much credit” Josh laughed quietly, and Tyler thought he might die. “You’re really kissable,”
“What makes me ‘kissable?” Tyler asked, his face scrunching as he tried his best not to laugh.
“Well, getting the obvious out of the way. You have really nice lips.” He said, before leaning back in to place a soft kiss on them once again. Slotting them perfectly in place so he could lightly tug on his bottom lip as he pulled away, “and you make a really cute expression afterwards,” he teased.
Tyler was going to hell. Josh was pulling him all the way down to hell. This man was a fallen angel, he was sending him down a sinful path while making it feel like he’d already been taken to heaven.
“Tyler?” His thoughts must have been showing on his face, because Josh’s expression had changed to a look of concern as he backed his face away a few inches.
Tyler really didn’t wanna talk about it, his thoughts were too all consuming and he wanted have them taken away again. He pulled Josh back towards him, gripping onto his shirt roughly as if he was about to fight him, “please don’t stop.”
And as quickly as he had said it, Josh obeyed, pressing his lips firmly against his once again, pulling Tyler closer so their bodies could touch.
Tyler took note of every bit of Josh he could feel against him, the way his stubble on his chin scratched against his own, how the muscles on his stomach could be felt against his.
He was a crafted beauty, one of God's favorites, so it hadn’t made sense how Tyler was the one being given this attention from him. There had to be someone better out there who deserved this.
Josh pulled away, softly releasing his lips from his. He was nearly frozen in place, letting Josh take the lead for him, he’d never experienced a kiss that felt as good as this, the last thing he wanted to do was ruin it by doing something wrong.
As if Josh could read his mind,“You can relax, y'know, you’re doing great.” He said before exhaling a slow breath that Tyler wished he could swallow down and keep for himself.
Tyler felt his entire body tremble when Josh’s hand gripped his waist, slowly moving upwards to feel his entire torso before lifting it up into his hair, pulling his head closer to get better access before closing the small gap between them once again.
Oh my god he was going to die, he let himself melt into the touch, opening his mouth slightly to let Josh have him. And oh, he definitely took advantage of that. His tongue entered his mouth, and Tyler wished he could taste him forever, nothing could ever be better to this moment.
Tyler let out an involuntary, muffled whine as Josh threaded his fingers through his hair, and he must’ve enjoyed it because he only deepened the kiss, searching to get any more reaction from the boy below him.
Tyler didn’t know what to do with his hands, they still awkwardly gripped onto Josh’s shirt. It wasn’t fair that he’d got to touch Tyler and gotten nothing in return.
He let go, placing a hand on Josh’s waist where his fingers nervously twitched looking for some confirmation that he was allowed to do so.
The groan that escaped into his mouth was definitely enough confirmation, and Tyler let himself feel the muscle beneath his hand, the divots of Josh’s ribs. He was absolutely ethereal. Tyler didn’t deserve this at all. Josh was a saint.
Didn’t Josh know he was letting Tyler dirty him? Why is he just okay with that? If he hadn’t been so selfish, he’d have pulled away by now and told him to stop, but his sin-filled brain allowed him to grip onto the man above him and try to get him as close as humanly possible.
Tyler would be happy to die right here. For his last memory to be Josh’s mouth against his, the way his big, calloused hand had been so gently holding him. This was the most exhilarating feeling Tyler had ever experienced. For Josh, he’d probably just been another person. He just couldn’t see a world where he meant as much to him as he’d meant to him.
Josh pulled away again, but only enough to murmur into Tyler’s mouth. “Stop thinking.”
He brought a hand up to cradle Tyler’s face as he kissed him again, soft and gentle like he was made of glass.
“You’re so amazing.” He whispered, placing another kiss.
Tyler's stomach twisted. He might throw up, from giddiness or disgust he wasn’t sure. But he wanted him to keep going.
“Talented,” Another kiss.
“Ever since the first time I saw you play,” another.
“I knew I needed to play with you” another kiss.
He pulled away farther, this time enough for him to study Tyler’s face. The night light from the van windows illuminated his face perfectly, his face glowing softly in blue.
“You’re beautiful.” Was all Tyler could manage back. He was speechless.
“God, Tyler.” He rasped before clashing his lips down on his again, with more desperation than before, as if either of them could disappear at any moment.
He held Tyler’s waist gently, his other hand cradling the side of his face still, slotting his nose perfectly against his.
Tyler couldn’t handle being too nervous anymore, he was just as scared of this ending as he was. He gripped onto Josh’s back, pulling him as close as possible.
Tyler had no idea when or how his tongue had ended up in Josh’s mouth but what he did know is that he liked it. He especially loved the sounds Josh made as he explored the taste.
Tyler wished he could provide Josh the same feeling he’d given him, the nervous excitement that had built in his gut, the way he could die happy.
He gripped onto Josh’s waist, making a weak effort to try and roll the two over. But he wasn’t sure Josh had gotten the hint, which didn’t matter anyways now because he’d been interrupted by the sound of ruffling towards the front of their van.
Tyler quickly pushed Josh’s face away, and before he could ask what was wrong he slammed a hand over his mouth.
“What the hell are you guys doing at 3 in the morning.” Mark sounded pissed, his voice still low from having been woken up. Tyler prayed he hadn’t been able to hear what they’d been doing.
Josh removed Tyler’s hand from his mouth “Sorry, that was my phone!”
Tyler gave him a ‘really?’ look, and Josh just shrugged. He was such an idiot.
“Well can you save the porn for when you’re alone, Jesus there’s three people trying to sleep.” He scolded, and Josh heard another shuffle as he got back into a comfortable position up in the front.
“Yeah, sorry dude.” He apologized, looking like a sad dog as he slowly rolled himself off of Tyler as quietly as he could. Tyler wanted to laugh, but he’d be lying if he said he wasn’t disappointed.
“Not even gonna try to defend yourself?” He whispered, grinning wide at him.
“Would you rather him know we’re making out?”
“We weren’t-“ Tyler tried explaining “making out is a stretch.”
“Tyler, your tongue was in my mouth.”
Tyler didn’t know how to argue with that. He’d just made out with Josh Dun, his best friend. He loved every second of it too. Even with knowing he was officially being sent to hell.
“Next time we’re alone—“ Tyler started to ask but was quickly cut off.
“We can kiss again, I’d like that.” He smiled and god he wished he could frame that forever.
“Alright,” he replied, and he couldn’t stop the stupid smile that he could feel on his face. “Okay, cool.”
“Really cool.” Josh replied, flashing his teeth at Tyler.
“Now we should probably, like, go to bed.”
“Yeah probably,”
“Yeah.”
“Yup.”
They stared at each other for what felt like forever before Tyler rolled over to look away from Josh. “Good night.”
“Good night Ty.”