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“Johnnycake!”
“Hey, Two-Bit.” Johnny smiled up at the Greaser as he walked up to the gate at the Curtis house.
Two-Bit shut his car door, loping over to Johnny and throwing an arm around his shoulders.
Johnny flinched slightly at the contact, Two-Bit always seemed to forget about how apprehensive he could be about physical touch, especially when it wasn’t expected. He knew Two-Bit was just trying to be nice, but he didn’t understand why his body didn’t seem to.
“Sorry, kid.” Two-Bit said, moving his arm and looking apologetic. “I forgot.”
Johnny shook his head. “It’s alright.”
Two-Bit gave him a grin and opened the gate. “How are you this morning kid?”
Johnny shrugged. “Okay, I guess.”
“Ya hungry? I’ll bet Darry’s got a big ole breakfast all cooked up just for us!” He winked, and Johnny chuckled.
“Pretty sure it’s for him, Soda and Pony.”
“He always makes enough to feed an army. Come on.” Two-Bit walked inside the front door, promptly slamming it. Even though Johnny couldn’t see Darry’s face he just knew he’d rolled his eyes.
“Good morning, Curtises!” Two-Bit announced, walking into the kitchen as if he were the king.
Darry turned from where he was doing dishes at the sink. “I’ll never understand how you and Soda are so chipper so early.”
Two-Bit grinned, winking.
“Hey, Johnny.” Darry smiled, drying his hands and taking a drink from his coffee mug. “There’s plenty of food if you’re hungry, kiddo.” He nodded at the table.
“Oh, I don’t wanna impose—” Johnny said at the same time as Two-Bit’s, “Don’t mind if I do.”
He took a seat at the table, digging into a large slice of chocolate cake.
Darry rolled his eyes and handed the greaser a napkin. “Wipe your nose, Two, good grief.” He looked up at Johnny with soft eyes. “You’re never an imposition, Johnny. I always make extra in case you’re hungry. Please, have some.”
Johnny hesitated for only another moment before smiling and taking a seat next to Two-Bit. “Thanks.” He grabbed a piece of toast and a few eggs, but unlike Two-Bit he put his food on a plate, and ate with a lot more manners.
Darry pointed a thumb at Two-Bit. “This one’s the imposition. Walkin’ in and takin’ my food and beer like he owns the place.”
Johnny chuckled, and Two-Bit replied, but his mouth was too full for anyone to possibly understand a word he said. “I r’snt ‘at.”
Soda ran into the room suddenly, his hair was wet, wearing nothing but jeans. “Hey, Johnny B Goode!” He said with a cheerful smile, giving the kid’s hair a ruffle. He sat down and dug into a large piece of chocolate cake, using little more etiquette than Two-Bit had.
“Mornin’.” Johnny gave him a small smile.
“Soda, ya got less than ten minutes til ya gotta be on the way and ya ain’t even ready!” Darry said.
“Sure I am.” He said around a mouthful of cake.
Darry narrowed his eyes. “You ain’t goin’ to school shirtless, little buddy.”
Soda rolled his eyes. “Ya ain’t no fun, Dar.”
“I ain’t got time to be fun. Now hurry up and eat so you can finish gettin’ ready. Where’s your brother?”
Soda opened his mouth to answer, but Pony sauntered into the room then.
“Mornin’, Pone,” Johnny said, as his friend took a seat between him and Soda.
“Mornin.” Pony said, resting his head in his hand.
When his brother made no move to get food, Darry handed him a plate. “Here, eat. You got about seven minutes ‘fore ya gotta leave.”
“At least he’s wearin’ a shirt.” Darry mumbled as he left to get his tool belt.
Two-Bit’s eyes narrowed slightly before they suddenly went wide. “I hear Mickey!” He shouted, running into the living room.
Soda finished eating before grabbing the gallon of chocolate milk and taking a swig, not bothering to pour himself a glass. “Ya want some, Pony?”
Pony shook his head.
Soda put the carton in the fridge again and ran off to finish getting ready.
“You alright, Pony?” Johnny asked, taking his last bite of toast.
Pony sighed, pushing his plate away. “I ain’t very hungry. You want my cake?”
Johnny looked down at the cake, before looking at Pony warily. “You sure? You should probably eat somethin’. You’ll make yourself sick.”
“I’m fine, Johnny. Just ain’t hungry. Had a big supper last night, that’s all.”
Johnny gave him a wary look, but finally took the cake.
Pony sighed in relief, looking up when Soda came in the room a moment later, this time fully clothed. “I’m full from the cake, Soda. Ya want my piece of toast?”
“Sure, kid.” Soda said, taking the toast and biting into it.
Johnny gave Pony a glance but didn’t say anything.
“Y’all ready? Steve’s gonna be here any minute and then we gotta scoot. I’m ridin’ with ‘im. “Y’all gonna go with us or Two-Bit?”
“Two-Bit.” Pony answered quickly, picking up his and Johnny’s plates and placing them in the sink.
Soda nodded. “Alright, well, we gotta go in–” A car horn made Soda stop abruptly. “Now.” He sighed, walking into the living room. “Dar, we’re leavin’!”
Darry walked into the room, toolbelt on this time. “Pepsi, ain’t ya forgettin’ somethin’?”
Soda looked around just as Pony and Johnny walked into the room. He looked himself up and down, he was dressed, he even remembered his shoes this time! “I don’t think so?”
Darry raised an eyebrow. “How about your backpack?”
Soda gasped, eyes going wide as he ran back down the hall to his room.
“Ya got track practice today?”
Pony shook his head as he walked into the room. “I should be home right after school.”
Darry nodded. “Alright, I’ll see ya later, kiddo.”
“See ya.” He walked towards the door, Johnny on his tail.
“Hey, Pony?”
Pony turned around, hand on the door handle.
“You feelin’ okay, kiddo? Ya look a little pale.”
He quickly nodded. “I’m fine, Dar,” he said, quickly walking out the door.
Darry bit his lip as he watched him go but didn’t say anything. He had a bad feeling in his gut…and he really hoped it was wrong.
Soda ran into the room, this time with his backpack. He grabbed Darry’s head and gave him a sloppy wet kiss. “MWAH! See ya later, big brother.”
“Hey, Soda?”
“Hm?”
“Has Pony seemed a little…off these past couple days. He just acts like he don’t feel good or somethin’.”
Soda thought for a moment. “He seemed fine this mornin’. Told me he was a little tired, but nothin’ more. Ya think he’s sick?”
“I don’t know.” He sighed. “You know him a lot better than I do, anyway. I’m sure he’s fine.”
Soda nodded, and Darry couldn’t help but notice the slight worry that was now etched onto his brow.
Darry clapped him on the back. “He’ll be alright, little buddy. Go on, get. You’re gonna be late.”
“Yeah, I’m sure you’re right. Bye, Dar.”
“Bye.”
“Man, I am starivin’!” Soda shut his locker.
“Me too. I didn’t have time to eat breakfast." Steve said.
“Y’all wanna head down to the DX again?” Two-Bit asked.
“Please.” Soda said. “I’ll take any amount of time I can spend not being stuck in this tin can like a sardine."
“Let’s find Pony and Johnny then we can go.” Two-Bit said, Steve and Soda agreeing.
They found Johnny and Pony out in the courtyard, sitting in the grass and talking.
“Hey, kiddo.” Soda squeezed Pony’s shoulder as he walked up to him. “Ya wanna come down to DX with us?”
Pony shook his head. “Not today, Soda.”
Soda furrowed his brow. “Oh, come on, ya ain’t come with us all week and you usually can’t wait to go down there. You okay?”
Pony quickly nodded. “I’m fine. I just…I’ve got a test after lunch that I wanna study for.”
Soda studied his brother, and Pony knew he wasn’t buying any of it. But to his relief, he didn’t say anything. “Alright. I’ll see ya later then, okay?”
Pony nodded.
Soda pressed his lips together for a moment before kissing his brother on the head. “Love you, honey.”
Pony looked up at him from his spot on the grass. “Love you too.”
Soda stared at him for a moment longer before turning to Johnny. “You stayin’ here? Johnnycake?”
Johnny nodded. “I’ll stay with ‘im.”
Soda smiled, squeezing Johnny’s shoulder, and Johnny understood the silent thank you he’d just been given.”
Johnny watched them go before turning to Ponyboy again. “So, what’s your test in next hour?”
“Huh?” Pony’s head snapped up, almost as if he’d forgotten Johnny was there.
“Yer test, ya said you had a test next hour.”
“Oh, yeah. Um, The American Revolution.”
Johnny nodded, opening up his sack lunch and getting out an apple. “Ain’t ya gonna eat?” He eyed the bag on the ground next to Pony.
Pony glanced over at it, shrugging. “I ain’t really hungry.”
Johnny paused mid-chew. “You didn’t eat breakfast either. And you lied to Soda and told him ya did.”
“What’s it to you?” Pony snapped.
Johnny gasped, eyes going wide as he shrank back, gaze turning towards the ground.
Pony shut his eyes, throwing his face into his hands and groaning. “I’m sorry, Johnny. Glory, I’m so sorry.” He looked up again, Johnny had a blade of grass between his fingers. “I can’t believe I snapped at ya like ‘at. I shouldn’t have. I just…” He bit his lip, sighing.
Johnny looked up at him. “It’s okay, man. But I don’t think you are. You’re lyin’ to everyone and you don’t look good at all. What’s goin’ on?”
Pony shrugged, pulling a blade of grass out of the ground.
Johnny glanced down at the lunch bag and then back at Pony. “When’s the last time you ate anything?”
Pony sighed, staring down at the ground. “Three days.” He whispered.
“Three days?!” Johnny was shocked. “You haven’t had any food in three days?”
He shook his head.
“Pony, what…” Johnny shook his head, confusion lacing his brow. “Why not?”
“I don’t deserve to.”
“What do you mean you don’t deserve to?”
Pony finally looked up at his friend. “I killed my parents.”
A look of mortified shock colored Johnny’s face. “What?” He whispered. “Pony…why would you—you didn’t kill your parents.”
“But I did!” his voice raised slightly.
“How—”
“The frosting.” Pony cut him off, tears appearing in his eyes. “I was supposed to pick it up for Darry’s birthday. Not my parents. If I’d just remembered that dang frosting then they might be alive right now.”
“Oh, Pony no. That wasn’t your fault. Their car was hit by a train.”
“They wouldn’t have even been in the car if it wasn’t for me, Johnny.”
“You can’t do this to yourself. It’ll eat ya alive.”
Pony looked into Johnny’s eyes. “It already has.” His voice was so serious that it sent a chill down Pony’s spine, he truly meant what he said.
Johnny opened his mouth to speak, but was cut off by the bell, which caused him to jump.
Pony quickly stood, wiping at his eyes, grabbing his lunch and putting on his backpack.
“Pony, wait!” Johnny called, quickly standing.
“I’ll see ya after school.” He threw his lunch bag into the trash, before hurrying inside.
Johnny sighed, standing as he watched him go.
The rest of the gang drove home, but Pony wanted to walk, and Johnny agreed to join him.
“Pony, ya gotta eat somethin’. It’s gonna kill ya if you keep goin’ on like this.”
“Maybe it should.” His voice was barely a whisper.
Pony looked over at Johnny, and was horrified to see how palpable the fear on his face was. “What? Pony you…you wanna die?”
“No.” “Pony said quickly, stopping and putting his hands out. He bit his lip and stared at the ground. “I don’t want to die. But I just…I don’t think I deserve to live. Not after what I’d done.”
Johnny’s eyes were wide, heartbroken. “Pony, that…that just ain’t true.”
“Everyone would be better off though. Darry’s got all these worries now, because of me. Soda spends all his time trying to take care of me and help Darry, he ain’t got no life anymore. They’d be a lot happier if I wasn’t around. Or at least if my parents were instead of me.”
“Don’t talk like that, Pony.” Johnny said seriously. “If you weren’t around it would kill your brothers. They could never live without you. And your parents…glory they wouldn’t have known what to do if they’d lost you.”
“I know they’d grieve, they’d be heartbroken. But…Darry would still be able to go to college, instead of resenting me because he can’t. Soda would be happy again instead of worrying all the time. And they’d still have their parents.”
“But not their brother!” He hesitated for only a moment before continuing. “I wouldn’t have my brother!”
Pony’s head snapped up to look at Johnny, he stilled. “Y-your brother?”
Johnny nodded. “You’re my best friend, Pony. Heck, you’re even more than that. You’re the only person in the world I can sit in quiet content with. You understand me in a way nobody else in the world does. I ain’t got a lot in this life, but you’re one of the best things I do have.”
Pony shook his head. “Ya got the whole gang Johnny–”
“But they ain’t you.” Johnny cut him off. “I don’t know what I would do without you, Ponyboy. But I never wanna find out.”
Pony had never seen Johnny looking so scared before, he’d felt terrible that he’d been the one to cause it. “I’m sorry, Johnny.” He let out a sob and threw his arms around Johnny’s neck. “I’m sorry.”
Johnny let out a shaky breath, gratefully returning the embrace, he shut his eyes. “Ya ain’t gotta apologize, Pone. It’s okay.”
They hugged for a moment before Pony slowly pulled away, sniffling.
Johnny kept a firm grip on his arms. “I need you to take care of yourself though, okay? Please eat. And please, tell Soda and Darry how you’re feelin’.”
“Darry’s gonna be mad.”
“I don’t think he’ll really be mad at you. I think he just wants to make sure you’re okay.”
Pony nodded slightly, thinking hard about the words Johnny had said. “Yeah, Yeah alright. I’ll tell ‘em.”
Johnny let out a sigh of relief. “And you’ll eat?” He raised an eyebrow.
Pony gave him a small smile. “And I’ll eat.” He started to walk again, Johnny by his side.
“Hey, how about I make ya a Peanut Butter sandwich when we get back to your place?” He bumped his shoulder against Pony’s.
Pony looked over and gave him a smile. “I’d like that just fine.”
“There you are! You said you’d be right home. What took ya so long?” Darry was pacing the full-length of the living room, and if Pony had to guess he figured he’d been doing so for a while.
Pony furrowed his brow as he stepped inside the house, Johnny right behind him. He glanced at Soda, who was standing in the corner tapping his foot, face painted with worry and concern.
“Johnny and I wanted to walk. Soda was s’posed to tell ya.”
“He told me.” Darry ran a hand through his hair. “But since when does it take you an hour to walk home from school?”
Johnny shut the door, glancing nervously around the room. He felt Pony lightly brush a hand against his, a silent sign of reassurance.
Pony looked between his brothers, who were both staring at him awaiting an answer. “I guess we just lost track of time talking.”
“Talkin’, huh?” Darry crossed his arms. “About what? Was it the test you failed this morning? Or the fact that you skipped all your classes after lunch?”
Johnny’s eyes widened as he turned his head towards Ponyboy. “You what?! You never told me that.”
Pony looked over at him with guilty eyes, before glancing back at Darry, who did not look happy. “Your principal called me. Apparently in History you asked to go to the bathroom and never came back.”
He sighed, hanging his head. “I…I snuck out and slept in Two-Bit’s backseat until school was over.
“What?” Soda said, shock on his face as he walked towards his brother. “Pony, are you—”
“You can’t just skip class, Ponyboy. School isn’t optional.”
“I know that, Darry, but—”
“No, obviously you don’t, Ponyboy! Or you wouldn’t have skipped class so you could take a nap!”
“It’s not like that!” Pony shook his head, and Soda noticed he was straining to hold back tears. He looked between the two of them, nervous.
“Then please Pony, tell me what it is like. And why you failed that test that I told you to study for all week. You told me you studied, did you lie?”
“No, I studied!”
“Then why’d ya fail?”
“I just—” Pony buried his head in his hands, groaning.
“Darry!” Soda suddenly said, voice raised slightly to get his brother’s attention.
Darry turned to face Soda, who was giving him a pleading look, and lowering his voice again. “You need to cool it. Yellin’ ain’t helpin’ you and it certainly ain’t helpin’ him. Remember our conversation this mornin’? Did ya ever think that might have somehin’ to do with what happened?”
Realization crept across Darry’s face as he remembered how pale his brother had looked this morning. Had he truly been sick after all? He turned back to face his youngest brother. “Ponyboy—”
Darry barely got his Pony’s name out of his mouth before he watched his brother crumple to the ground.
“Pony!” Soda was by his side in two seconds flat, and Johnny managed to catch him before he hit the ground. Soda helped him slowly lower Pony to the floor.
Darry quickly knelt down next to his brothers, heart pounding in his chest. What had he just done?
Soda gently lifted Pony’s head onto his lap, brushing back his bangs with one hand and holding his other in his own.”Pony, honey. Can you hear me? Open your eyes baby, please.”
Pony’s eyes remained firmly shut. Soda noticed that his skin was pale and his brow was lined with sweat. His hand also felt clammy in his palm. He looked up at Darry, eyes fearful.
“What’s wrong with ‘im, Dar?”
Darry shook his head, at a loss and feeling even more like a failure than he had in the last month. (And that had been a lot.) “I don’t––”
“He hasn’t eaten in three days.”
The oldest Curtis brothers turned to face Johnny, with wide eyes and shocked faces.
“What?” Soda whispered.
Johnny sighed, biting his lip. “I got him to admit it at lunch. That’s what we were talkin’ ‘bout on the way home. I was tryin’ to talk him into eatin’ again. And tellin’ y’all ‘bout it. He said he would when he got here. But, well, ya know…”
“Three days?!” Soda looked down at his brother, eyes filling with tears as he ran a gentle hand through his hair. “Oh, baby.”
Darry felt like he’d been punched in the gut. Pony hadn’t taken a single bite of food in three days, and he somehow hadn’t noticed? He really was failing at this whole guardian thing
And what had possibly possessed his brother not to eat? He desperately wanted to get answers, but knew his priority had to be taking care of Pony.
“Come on.” Let’s get him moved to the couch.
Darry picked up his younger brother with ease, instantly noticing just how light he truly was. If he hadn’t eaten anything in the past three days then he’d been eating very little prior to that. Darry mentally added this third thing to the reasons he was utterly failing as a guardian.
He gently laid Pony’s body on the couch, Soda instantly fluffled the pillows and covered him with a blanket. He removed Pony’s shoes, laying them on the floor.
“Johnny, would you get me a cool washcloth?” Darry asked.
The young greaser nodded, hurrying off to do as he was told.
“He didn’t hit his head did he?” Darry asked, moving said boy's head so he could get a better look.
Soda shook his head. “Johnny caught ‘im ‘fore that could happen.” He sat on the arm of the couch, running gentle fingers through Pony’s hair.
Johnny returned with a cool washcloth a moment later, and Darry thanked him before gently resting it on Pony’s forehead.
“Did he tell you why he hasn’t been eating?” Soda asked, looking over at Johnny.
Johnny sighed, sitting on the floor next to the couch. He started playing with a loose string on his jeans. “Yeah, but…I think ya need to let him tell ya why. Not me.”
Soda stared at him for a moment, before giving Johnny a small smile. “You’re a real good friend to him, Johnnycake. Pone’s real lucky to have you.”
Johnny glanced over at Pony’s still form on the couch. Was he really a good friend? Surely a good friend would have spoken up before something like this happened. Sure, Pony probably would have been mad at him, but that sounded much better than him being unconscious and sick like he was now.
But Johnny didn’t say any of this out loud. Instead he thanked Soda before scurrying off to the kitchen, remembering that there was maybe one thing he could do to make up for all this.
“I can’t believe I yelled at him like that.” Darry whispered, staring down at his brother. He gently stroked his bangs from his face. “I’m pretty bad at this whole guardian thing, ain’t I?” He ran a hand over his face.
Soda’s expression softened as he looked over at his brother. “It’s only been a month, Darry. Nobody can learn how to do something like this overnight.”
“But I’ve been his brother for thirteen years, Soda.” He finally lifted his eyes to meet his brother’s. “But it seems like…ever since I became Pony’s guardian, I don’t know how to be there for him, or how to talk to him. Like I forgot how to be his brother.”
“This is just a big adjustment for all of us. I think you’re both just tryin’ to find your footing again.”
“I should have noticed. Glory, I—It’s my job to take care of him, and I didn’t even bother to make sure he was eating!”
Soda shook his head. “Don’t beat yourself up, Dar. I didn’t notice either. Pony, he’s…he’s real good at hiding this kinda thing. He’s never been one to admit when he’s sick. He’s always waited to let everyone know until he collapses.”
“Ya think mom and dad would’ve noticed?”
Soda stared at Darry for a moment, biting his lip. He opened his mouth to respond, but they both looked down when there was a groan from the couch.
Soda moved from the arm, sitting on the edge of the couch next to his brother and taking his hand. Darry crouched on the floor beside the couch.
“Pony?” Soda brushed his bangs back. “You with me, honey?”
Pony’s eyes fluttered slightly before they finally opened. He blinked a few times. “Soda?”
Soda gave him a smile, squeezing his hand gently. “Yeah, baby. Darry and I are right here.”
He glanced at both his brothers, hand going up to his head. “What happened?”
“You passed out.” Darry told him.
Pony blinked at him, brow furrowing as he sat up slightly. “I–What?”
“Why haven’t you been eating, Ponyboy?” Darry asked.
Pony’s eyes widened slightly as he stared up at his brother. “I–”
“Don’t bother lyin’, Johnny told us already.”
Pony sighed, leaning back against the pillows. “I just didn’t feel like it. Been feelin’ sick.”
“That’s because ya ain’t eatin’.” Darry said. “You have to eat, Ponyboy.”
“Darry.” Soda said gently.
Darry looked up at him, and Soda gently reminded him to stay calm.
He let out a slow breath, shutting his eyes. “You’re gonna stop this not eatin’ right now, ya hear me?”
Pony glanced over at his brother, biting his lip as he nodded.
“I’m cookin’ and you’re gonna eat your whole plate, savvy?”
Again, Pony nodded.
Just then, Johnny came back into the room, carrying a plate and a large glass of chocolate milk. He smiled slightly when he saw Pony was awake. “Hey, Pone.”
“Johnny.” Pony said, sitting up fully as his friend entered the room. “You’re still here.”
“Course I am.” Johnny said. “I wasn’t gonna leave ya when you were sick.”
Pony smiled, and Johnny handed him the plate. “I promised I’d make you a sandwich, remember?”
“Thanks, Johnny. “
Soda and Darry nearly jumped for joy when they watched him take a bite. So did Johnny.
“Come on, Dar.” Soda said, standing. “Let’s go get started on supper.”
Darry gave his brother a long look before nodding, standing too. “You finish that whole thing Pony, ya hear me?”
Pony resisted the urge to roll his eyes, instead just nodding and watching as his brothers left the room.
Johnny took a seat on the opposite end of the couch as Pony took a long drink of chocolate milk.
“Are ya mad at me?”
Pony furrowed his brow, placing the glass on the coffee table. “Why would I be mad at ya, Johnny?”
Johnny looked down, fiddling with the sleeve of his jean jacket. “For tellin’ yer brothers.”
Pony sighed. “Oh. No, Johnnycake, I ain’t mad at ya.”
Johnny looked up at his friend, eyes wide. “Really?”
He shook his head. “I told ya I was gonna tell ‘em anyway. Darry didn’t get mad at ya when you told him, did he?”
Johnny shook his head.
“Good. You think he’s mad at me now, wait til later. I’m sure he’ll bite my head off.”
Pony stared down at the sandwich in his hands as he spoke.
“I think he’s just worried about ya, Pone. He looked real scared when ya passed out.”
Pony looked up at Johnny. "Really?"
“Yeah. He was real upset, Pone. Not at you, I don’t think. He seemed worried. Scared.”
Pony thought real hard about this.
“You sure you’re okay?” Johnny asked after a moment.
Pony blinked, looking up at Johnny and nodding. “I’ll be okay.”
“You promise you won’t stop eating again?”
Pony sighed. “No, I won’t.”
“And you’re gonna talk to your brothers ‘bout how yer feelin’?”
Pony bit his lip. He dreaded that conversation, but he’d promised Johnny. Plus, he remembered Soda’s face when he woke up, he’d looked so sad, worried. He didn’t want his brother to feel that way, worse he didn’t want to be the reason he did. “Yeah. I’ll talk to ‘em later.”
“Good.” Johnny breathed a sigh of relief. “Now, finish up that sandwich before Darry kills the both of us.” He smirked, raising an eyebrow like Two-Bit always did.
Ponyboy chuckled and took another bite.
That night, Johnny stayed for supper but he left shortly after. He knew that Pony needed to talk with his brothers, and he wanted to give them privacy. Plus he was supposed to meet up with Dally tonight.
Soda and Darry found Ponyboy on the back porch smoking shortly after supper. As promised, he’d eaten his full plate, though it had taken a little while. And Soda couldn’t help but notice his brother grimacing as he swallowed, but he hadn’t complained.
They glanced at each other from the open screen door, before each taking a seat on either side of him.
“Hey, honeybee.” Soda put an arm around Pony’s shoulder. “How ya doin’?”
Pony shrugged, blowing out smoke. “I’ve been better.”
“You feelin’ sick at all?” Darry asked, concern on his brow.
Pony sighed, shaking his head. “No, Dar I’m fine.”
Soda brushed gentle fingers through his brother’s hair, “what’s goin’ on in that head of yours, kiddo?”
“Why haven’t you been eating?” Darry asked, working hard to keep his voice calm and gentle.
Pony was silent for a while, taking another drag of his cigarette, watching the smoke dissipate into the air. “I just—at first, I really did just…forget. It took all my energy to go to school and do homework. But then it was like…I don’t know, like I don’t deserve it.”
“Why wouldn’t you deserve to eat, baby?” Soda kept a hand firmly on his brother’s head, soothing him with gentle fingers as he worked to get the words out.
“After what I did to mom and dad, I don’t deserve to eat.”
Darry shook his head, brow furrowed in confusion. He didn’t have a clue what his brother was talking about. “What you did to mom and dad? Pony, what the heck are you talkin’ about?”
Pony looked over at his brother, a serious look on his face, and in the most serious voice Darry had ever heard him use, said, “I killed them, Darry.”
A look of pure shock formed instantly on Darry’s face, his eyes wide as could be and mouth open like a fish. He shook his head, unable to understand what his brother could possibly mean by that statement. Their parents were hit by a train. It was a car accident. One Darry was certain Ponyboy had zero correlation with, unless he’d gotten his engineering license and forgotten to tell Darry, which he very much doubted.
“Pony…Pony that doesn’t make a lick of sense—”
“I killed them, Darry!” Pony sat forward, looking over at his brother, eyes blazing. “It’s all my fault!”
Darry shook his head. “No, no it ain’t, kiddo. Why would you even think that?!” He still didn’t understand what this was all about, but he understood one thing. This was not Ponyboy’s fault in the least.
“Yes it is.” He cried.
“Ponyboy—”
“The frosting!” He yelled. “I forgot the frosting, Darry.”
Oh. That.
That thought had never even crossed Darry’s mind.
Ponyboy blamed himself because he forgot the frosting, and his parents had to go get it. Now Darry understood.
Well, somewhat. He still knew plain and simple that this wasn’t Pony’s fault. But he couldn’t possibly understand how his brother even came to that conclusion. If anyone was at fault it was him — they’d died on his birthday. If not for him, nobody would’ve needed to cross those train tracks in the first place, and they wouldn’t be in this mess at all. 7
“It should have been me.” Pony let out a sob, burying his head in his knees.
“Oh, baby, no, no don’t say that.” Soda wrapped his arms around Ponyboy tightly, don’t you ever say that.
“But I was supposed to get the frosting. Not mom and dad. It should have been me!”
“No, Pony, no. Oh, honey, I can’t even stomach the thought of losin’ ya. It’d be like losin’ myself.”
Darry could tell Soda was crying from the sound of his voice, and it was taking everything inside of him not to cry too. But he lost that luxury the night his parents died. He was the adult, he had to be strong so that his brothers could fall apart.
Pony sniffled, grabbing onto Soda’s arm. “But, Darry would still be able to go to college, he wouldn’t be stuck raisin’ us, and he would be happier. Soda, all you do is take care of me instead of livin’ your own life. You used to go out every night. What kinda life are y’all livin’now? It would be so much better if mom and dad were here and I was gone.”
“Darlin’, look at me.” Soda took Pony’s face in his hands, gently wiping his tears away with his thumbs.
“There is no world, where I would be happy livin’ without ya around. Goin’ out every night, without havin’ you to come home to, or tag along…” He shook his head. “That ain’t no life I wanna live. I couldn’t live without you, Ponyboy. I just couldn’t.”
Pony watched tears stream from Soda’s face as he spoke. His lip quivered as he looked up at his brother, letting out yet another sob.
“Pony.” Darry moved over, kneeling down on the porch step in front of his brother, he took his hands in his. “Buddy, I didn’t get stuck raisin’ you. I wouldn’t get to go to college if my baby brother wasn’t here. I could never be happier without you, kiddo. No matter what my life looked like, or what it looks like now. Maybe it ain’t the life I dreamed of, but that don’t mean I ain’t happy. Sure, it ain’t always easy, but I am a thousand times happier than I’d be if I was playin’ college football and you and your brother were stuck in a boys home somewhere. If y’all ain’t in my life then I ain’t got one. There is no world where I would rather lose you so I could go to college. I remember the day you were born, Pone. I remember feelin’ ya kick in mama’s belly. He put a hand on Pony’s cheek, smiling fondly. “You’re my baby brother, Ponyboy. I can’t live without you.”
Ponyboy sniffled, biting his lip, and blinking up at Darry with wet eyes. “Even…even if you had to lose mom and dad.”
Darry sighed sadly, wiping a tear from Pony’s face. “I didn’t wanna lose them either. But I certainly wouldn’t trade your life for theirs. I need you just as much, kiddo. You’re just as important to me, and you have been since the day you were born. That’s why I chose to raise you. It was my choice. I knew what I was giving up, and I would do it a hundred more times, because you’re my brother and I love you.”
Pony let out a sob, leaning forward and wrapping his arms around Darry.
Darry hugged his brother to him tightly, holding him close and kissing the top of his head.
Soda rubbed a gentle hand up and down Pony’s back, wiping at his own tears.
Darry felt like crying himself, but forced the tears back, he only had eyes for his brother right then.
“Listen to me, kiddo.” Darry finally said, once Pony’s tears slowed. Pony pulled away slightly, looking up at Darry, who was looking down at him with a serious expression on his face.
“That accident…” He took a quivering breath. “It wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t my fault. That’s just what it was…an accident. There’s nothin’ any of us coulda done to change it. No matter how much we wish we could. And they would never have wanted to lose you, kiddo. I still remember how scared they were when you were born early and in the hospital so much as a baby. If they had to lose you, Pony…they wouldn’t have survived it.”
Pony’s chin quivered, eyes leaking tears again. “I know you’re right, even…” He sniffled big again and wiped his nose. “Even if it’s hard to admit. I just…I just miss ‘em so much.” He let out a sob and his brothers wrapped him in a big hug.
“Oh, honey we miss ‘em too.” Soda gave his brother a big kiss on the head. “Every day I come home half expectin’ a hug and a kiss from mama. She gave the best hugs.”
Pony remembered those moments vividly. Mama wouldn’t let them come home or leave the house until they’d all given her a hug and a kiss. The same thing happened every night before bed. As a child Pony had loved it, but started to think it was a little silly sometimes when he got older. But he knew deep down he’d been lying to himself when he told her he was too old for hugs and kisses from his mother. What he wouldn’t give now for one more moment like that.
He laid his head on Soda’s chest, Soda’s chin resting on his head.
Darry wiped a tear from Soda’s eye, putting an arm around both his brothers. “Just about every day, I wish I could have one more conversation with dad. Ask him how in the world he raised three teenage boys without losing his mind.”
“Hey!” Pony said, but he was smiling, and Soda was chuckling.
Darry grinned down at them, winking and then mussing their hair.
Pony looked between his brothers for a moment before smiling “Ya know, Soda, you give hugs just like mom did.”
Soda looked down at his brother, smiling. “Really?”
Pony nodded. “Big bear hugs that make ya feel safe, and all warm and cozy. Your kisses are a lot more wet, though.”
Soda gave Pony a sloppy wet kiss on the cheek, saying ‘mmmwahhhh’ for emphasis.
Pony groaned, wiping his face, and Darry chuckled.
A moment later, he looked over at Darry. “I think if dad could say somethin’ to ya, it would be that he was proud.” His voice was serious and he looked into his brother’s eyes.
Darry took a sharp breath. “You mean that, kiddo?”
Pony nodded. “Not a lot of people would do what you did for us, Dar. Give up their dreams to raise their brothers. I think they’d be real proud.”
Darry squeezed Pony close to him and kissed his hair. He felt tears in his eyes but he wouldn’t let them fall. “Thanks, buddy.”
“Ya know, Pony, every time ya watch the sunset it reminds me of mom.”
Pony smiled fondly, remembering how he would watch the sunset with his mom almost every night. That’s where he’d gotten his love of nature from. He fidgeted with his sleeve, looking down at the wooden steps beneath his feet. “Even though they’re gone, they’re not really. It’s like…we got all these little pieces of ‘em in us.”
Soda smiled, looking between his brothers, and Darry saw a swell of pride in his eyes. “Yeah. Yeah, we do.”
Pony still had a lot of guilt to work through, and these boys would be grieving and learning together for a long, long time. But it didn’t feel so unbearable with it all out in the open, Pony finally felt like he could breathe again.
Then he said something that was like music to his brother’s ears. With a sniffle, and a final wipe of his nose, Pony asked, “Do we have any chocolate cake?”