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"And we're off on a dragon ride!" Merlin bellowed into the microphone as the vessel he captained left Westminster Pier Dock B with an almighty whoosh of swirling water and exhaust fumes. The ship, The Dragon, was an agile beast.
"Well, it's not really a dragon, despite its name, but it will burn yous if you don't follow the guidance in regard to safety! My name is Captain Emrys, and I am in charge of this little cruiser you've chosen for your Thames tour today. The sun is shining for a change, so the best views are out on deck. We have a few things you need to keep in mind. Yous sitting up top, you need to be seated whenever we dock, otherwise I can't see where I'm going, and that would not be good for any of us, so keep that in mind!" The passengers now seated on top deck were looking at each other, someone laughed at the captain's bellowing voice.
"I know you probably brought your own snacks and drinks with yous, but, would you please put any rubbish in the bins provided. My shipmate Mordred hates cleaning, he was really efficient the first few weeks, but he is really slacking off these days, so yous gotta help me out! Oh! And if yous forgot to bring food and drinks, down below we have a little bar, too. Morgana's just waiting to sell yous some beverages and crisps."
"Do you have to do that?" asked Mordred. Merlin snickered and carried on steering The Dragon in a 180-turn.
"What?" Merlin looked at him innocently.
"Dragging me and Morgana into your spiel?"
"The punters love it! Besides, my boat, my rules."
"And what is up with that accent?"
"I can change it up to be more pirate-y?
"No! Definitely not. No."
"Well then."
As The Dragon glided along the river Captain Emrys doubled as a tour guide and told the happy punters about the buildings on each side as they passed them. Dutifully they looked left and right and listened to whatever he told them.
"Now, I am not a professional tour guide or anything, yeah, so I thought I'd tell yous a little bit about what yous are seeing here. Hope you are enjoying it. Now we are going to go under perhaps the most well-known bridge, Tower Bridge. Now if anyone up there waves back at yous, yes, just like that, yeah, those people who wave back, they are not from London!"
Some passengers guffawed and waved enthusiastically, clearly they weren't Londoners either.
The passengers marvelled at the huge bridge when the tour boat passed under it. Suddenly Captain Emrys tutted into the microphone. Had they done something wrong? Everyone stopped taking photos and looked toward the command bridge. The tainted glass of the windows didn't reveal the cause of the sudden change in mood of their captain.
"I guess it's the weather for't..." was heard and The Dragon docked to pick up more passengers by the Tower.
The Dragon travelled onward, toward Greenwich where it would dock to let off passengers who wanted to take a later boat back to Westminster. A police dinghy raced past in a show of speed and agility. The captain flexed his boat driving skills by doing a skilled turn around their cruise ship.
"Those posers," Captain Emrys grunted and maneuvered The Dragon to Greenwich dock.
Most passengers stayed onboard for the return trip, they were enjoying the audio commentary, it would seem.
"Now, like I said, I'm not a professional tour guide or anything, yeah, but if yous are enjoying what I'm telling yous, there will be a little collection box going round at the end of our tour, you can show your appreciation, if you like."
Most passengers immediately started fishing for coins in their pockets and wallets.
When they neared Tower Bridge on their return journey, they could again hear a change in their captain. He grunted and grumbled something unintelligible until he bellowed:
"Now, everyone, look to your left! See that group of grown men, those utter prats were caught out by the tide, clinging onto the pier, unable to get back to those steps that brought them down to the water's edge during low tide. Now the water is licking at their ankles. Idjits!"
Said prats were holding their bags above their heads, balancing on the little outcrops from the walls, helplessly looking to the people in the rescue boats and police boats that were now waiting to fish them out.
"Wish those people would pay for the service, maintaining rescue and police services on the river isn't cheap. Or do some community service at least!" Merlin went on. His passengers took pictures of the drama that was unfolding on their river cruise. Was this a common occurrence, they wondered.
Mordred had heard this spiel before from Merlin, but not so publicly. He disengaged Merlin's microphone.
"What? it's true! Those idiots looked like fire fighters and should have known better!"
***
Merlin was the last to leave The Dragon that evening. Four round trips to Greenwich had gone fairly smoothly. The weather had been on their side, too. The tourists had left some tips, too, some people had given euro coins, they were probably in London for the pro-EU demonstration in Westminster that weekend. Every little helps, he supposed. One time a punter had given mini cheddars, claiming they looked like coins.
"You the captain of The Dragon?"
Merlin's rumination about crisps was interrupted by a stern, officious voice. Merlin carried on checking that his boat was moored properly and securely.
"Yeah, what's it to ya?"
"We could hear you, you know?" the man said.
"Eh?" Merlin asked and faced the man. The man was blond, athletic-looking and his eyes were shooting daggers at Merlin.
"Your voice really carries."
Merlin took another look at the man, his eyes traveling down his wet trousers and trainers.
"Are you...?"
"Yes. Do you always insult people, even people in distress at sea?"
"Oh!"
"Oh, indeed," the man said.
"You were one of those...."
"Prats, was it? Iidjits? What? Are you Irish?"
"A bit, on my parents' side."
"You really are an idiot, aren't you?"
"Wet was it?" Merlin quipped. He couldn't help himself. What was this prat doing here?
The man looked ready to explode. Why did he have to suffer?
"You were caught out by the tide, you should always check that it is safe before you go exploring. You were all grown men, I saw you. You ended up wasting river rescue resources with your actions, which was totally unnecessary and costly. And, what for? Just to go treasure hunting, did you want to find some Londinium coins, did you?"
"Are you quite finished?" the man asked.
"Yeah, I am pretty much done here, I think," Merlin said, making to go.
The man grabbed his sleeve.
"Hey!" Merlin was skinny in comparison to this guy.
The man immediately let go of him.
"For your information, I have donated a large sum to the river rescue efforts of the Thames river rescue services, I have pledged to volunteer for the river rescue services for a month together with my buddies you saw on that bank, and I don't need a barely-dry-behind-the-ears skipper on a mediocre barge hurling insults at me in public!"
"Really, you've done all that?" Merlin looked at the man anew. "Yes, Captain Emrys." "How do you know my name!? Do you want to return the favour, file a complaint against me?"
"And humiliate you, like you did me and my friends? I should, shouldn't I? But contrary to what you may believe, I'm not so churlish and childish as that. No, you brought my idiotic behaviour to light and made me realise that I should have known better. It was utterly ridiculous of us to get caught out by the tide."
Merlin took a moment, braced himself and finally stretched out his hand to the man.
"For what it's worth, I am sorry, Mr....?"
"Pendragon," the man said.
"Not of Pendragon Shipping."
"Yes, Merlin, a name that is very hard to ignore, too, by the way. I am Arthur Pendragon, and this fine vessel you command will belong to me when I inherit it. My father is of excellent health, though, and will live forever! So it will be a while before..."
"...you're my boss?"
"Yes."
"And _then_ you will fire me?"
"No, Merlin, I won't fire you. I agree with you. I made a mistake. You pointed it out, albeit a little rudely. Also, may I advise you to tone down your jokes about your work mates."
"How do you...?"
"Mordred is my cousin and Morgana is my half-sister."
"I will never use that bridge microphone again."
Arthur clapped Merlin on the shoulder.
"Do you, by any chance, have some dry clothes onboard?"
Merlin had to chuckle. Arthur was wet from the waist down.
"I would have thought a man of your means would have found some dry pants by now."
"Merlin, you have been running me ragged. Do you know how many calls I have had to make to organise everything?"
"A lot of on-hold music?"
"If I hear The Girl from Ipanema one more time".
"I think I have that on vinyl onboard."
"No, please, Merlin, no."
Merlin unlatched the gate and led Arthur onto his, or rather their boat.
The Dragon underneath heaves a smoky sigh and coughs a few exhausts, exhausted but content. If he swirled his rudder a few extra times earlier to speed up the tide a tad, none will be the wiser.