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He’s a failure. Colt knows it. It’s not even a matter of opinion. This is just a straight fact. The sky is blue. The grass is green. The sun shines. Colt is a failure. In every single way except one. At least for now. It’s not for a lack of trying. He’s a failure as a stuntman, a partner and a friend. The only thing left is his role as a brother. That’s the problem. Ryland refuses to leave. Colt wants nothing more at this moment than to be left alone. He deserves to be alone. He doesn’t want Ryland here. Yet no matter how hard Colt pushes nothing seems to work. He’s trying with all his might to drive a wedge between them. He can see the splinters starting to form, but it just won’t split. Ryland is stubborn. For every thing that doesn’t work it makes him double down. He can plainly see how it hurts Ryland, but he can’t stop.
He tries to justify his behavior, even if part of him knows there’s nothing reasonable about it. Tries to think about it as what Ryland deserves. That eventually Ryland will see that all this was for his own good, even if right now it hurts him. Ryland deserves to go live his life. Ryland deserves to be free of the burden of having to take care of Colt.
Colt doesn’t want to be taken care of. He doesn’t deserve that kind of compassion. He doesn’t deserve to be someone else’s priority. He’s not worth it. Not anymore. His deplorable behavior just solidifies that. He’s just playing into what he knows everyone around him will eventually figure out. If he’s going to end up alone anyway he’d rather just get it over with.
Somewhere in the back of his mind he knows that this is all a self-imposed punishment. A pity-party. Colt buries those thoughts underneath the blanket of bruises to his pride. His ego has taken a hit. It's battered and beaten. He shoves any feelings of guilt or shame over his recent behavior there as well. Depending on others to care for him is doing nothing to heal his pride. It just adds to his frustration. He knows Ryland will need more than a simple push to leave. It's going to take effort. Its effort Colt is willing to spend. Even if it means he loses Ryland.
Colt dredges up all his anger and bitterness. He lets it fill every part of him. Gives it control. He searches for a thread to pull, so he can finally unravel Ryland’s stubborn will to stay. He finds it in the form of Tom Ryder. Or rather his absence. He notices all the forlorn looks Ryland has given his phone. He notices how he hasn’t received calls or texts from Tom. Even digs through his phone a little to find out it's been a few days of radio silence. He knows he should feel terrible for picking at Ryland’s insecurities. For feeding into his doubts. Colt before his accident would be beating the shit out of the person he’s become. Colt buries that too. Allows it to become overshadowed by self-loathing. He already hates himself, what’s one more reason. The fact that Tom is the subject of Ryland’s anxieties is just a matter of convenience. His dislike for Tom has come back full force since his accident.
Sure. Yeah. Accident. Like that’s believable. A slider was bumped. An accident.
Colt had almost let himself believe he could let go of his distaste for Tom. He had always held a small bit of respect for Tom. Tom is a skilled actor. There’s no doubt about that. Tom cares about his work and puts his all into his roles. Colt had been willing to be amicable for the sake of Ryland. All of that was destroyed in as little as a second. Any positive thoughts about Tom Asshole Ryder completely replaced by disdain. Suspicion lying underneath. Hating Tom is so easy when he envisions the moments before his fall. Tom was by the control board. It's quite a coincidence. They had a fight, Colt had a workplace accident. Colt has no evidence though.
These thoughts would’ve never reared their head if he was in his right mind. Tom is an asshole, not a monster. They may not have always gotten along or seen eye to eye, but Tom certainly wouldn’t do something like that. Colt is hardly in the right state to allow this logic to take hold. It's way easier to believe that Tom is in fact the worst human on the planet. Especially when it’ll be that final piece in getting Ryland to leave him alone.
All this combined makes it far too easy to treat Ryland cruelly. To take out his self-loathing, anger and bitterness on his last remaining source of support. Anytime he sees Ryland looking at his phone he starts in on him. He calls Tom names. Tells Ryland that Tom is a terrible good-for-nothing guy. That their relationship is empty and devoid of value. Tom is probably already bored of Ryland and off with someone else anyway. Even if Ryland tries to hide it, Colt knows he’s worn him down to tears more than once. Still none of it is enough to push Ryland away. The final straw is when he starts leaning into Ryland in combination with insulting Tom. He calls Ryland stupid. A coward.
Ryland doesn’t make a sound as he leaves. Colt wonders if this will be their last conversation. It’s almost enough to make him reconsider. That he could try to fix this before it's too late. He could call or text.
Those thoughts leave just as quickly as they came. He doesn’t pursue them at all.
Colt can add one more failure to his growing stack. Stuntman, partner, friend and lastly brother. Hatred and disgust for himself mingle effortlessly with everything else swirling inside him. His spine isn’t the only thing that feels broken. The best parts of him shoved so far down he wonders if maybe they got left behind on the cold concrete that destroyed him. Leaving behind bitterness and anger he chose to wield against his loved ones.
Colt tries to rationalize it. It’s better this way. Better that Jody pursue her dreams. That Dan not be burdened with reassembling Colt’s broken pieces. That Ryland does not have to put his life on pause. Better to be alone.
Feelings of remorse start to seep in slowly at first. Not enough that Colt feels a need to confront it. Not enough to change anything or reach out. It lingers under the surface. Still buried underneath the self-deprecating feelings and thoughts. The soil is thinning though. The remnants of who he used to be, starting to rise to the surface. Instead of reaching out he finds himself trying to get what information he can through other means. It's surprisingly easy to find Ryland’s name floating around. There’s news of a scandal. A tangled mess centered around Tom involving Iggy, Savannah and unfortunately Ryland. Accusations of cheating. Tom isn’t the only one getting dragged through the mud. People are saying truly appalling things about Ryland. The insults and slurs accompany his name are absolutely disgusting. That's not the worst of it. Threats and attempts at doxxing send a spike of worry through Colt. He pauses on a rather graphic one by complete chance. He feels his stomach churn with unease.
For one solid minute he wars with himself. He considers yet again reaching out. Calling Ryland to ensure he's safe. He shoves that idea aside immediately as he remembers their last interaction. Ryland doesn't need his useless, piece of shit brother. Colt’s help is worthless. Colt himself is less than worthless.
Iggy makes a statement. It's followed by one from Tom. The discourse wanes but doesn’t fully end. It reassures Colt that this is all going to blow over. Everything will work out. Ryland will be fine. Over the next several months Colt continues to check on Ryland through the same means. Tom got dropped from Metalstorm due to the bad press, but has taken more indie roles to replace the loss. Tom and Ryland appear together in a couple posts. They must have patched things up. Colt feels conflicted about that. He still can’t help the disdain he feels for Tom. All the same it gives him a perfectly valid reason to not bother reconnecting with Ryland. If he thought Ryland was better off without him before this just reaffirms that. As long as Tom is in the picture Ryland will never need Colt.
Posts about Ryland slowly fade. Never fully disappearing but harder to come by. Eventually Colt stops looking entirely.
Months later Colt’s screen lights up with Ryland’s name.
It’s been long enough that the anger he once had has faded into a numb apathy. Regret begins to come up to the surface. He almost answers the call before setting his phone back down on the table next to him. Any chance at rectifying their relationship feels too late at this point. Too far gone. There is literally nothing he can think to say that would be enough. Colt is not enough.
He lets the call ring out.
The next day he gets a new number.
Leaving the doctor’s office, a few weeks after the ignored phone call, Colt has a pretty good prognosis. Physical therapy is still on his schedule, but the frequency is reduced. He has been cleared to try going back to work. Not stunts, but something more mild. He isn’t 100% yet and shouldn’t do anything that could set him back. He should feel lucky that his recovery is going this well. Instead he, admittedly, feels kind of shitty. It was his choice to push everyone away. His choice to let anger and self-loathing control him. Now that he’s had time to reflect he actually feels the guilt, shame and regret he should've had months ago. There’s finally space for it. All these failures are his own fault. He should have known there was something wrong with the rig. That the fall was going to end horrifically. It was an accident. There’s no proof of foul play. If it's anyone’s fault it's his own. He is the stunt man.
He rejected Jody. Ignored Dan.
He hurt Ryland so badly it made him leave.
His choices, his failures.
At any point Colt could have reached out and apologized. He could have tried to repair things. Tried to explain himself. Now it feels too far overdue. He has no idea how to move forward and fix his shattered relationships.
Another failure. The list just keeps growing. It’s daunting.
He arrives back home and starts scrolling through job listings. He’s eager to get out and do something. Colt is almost willing to take anything at this point. His search is interrupted by the sound of heavy hits to his door. He can hardly call it knocking with how hard they are striking his door. He goes to check the peep hole to find it blocked. That is unsettling.
Colt undoes the deadbolt and the chain before cracking open the door. The person on the other side pushes the door further open. Recognition takes no time at all. He could never forget that face.
“Tom?” Colt knits his brows together in confusion. This is the last person he would expect to see on his doorstep. His brain quickly puts some parts together. If he’s here, where’s Ryland? Did Ryland send him here for some reason? Did something happen to Ryland that he couldn't be here himself?
He realizes he’s been staring when Tom speaks up, “You gonna let me in, Seavers?”
Colt steps aside allowing Tom to walk past him. Tom isn’t walking with the normal level of confidence that Colt has come to expect from him. He is slightly hunched in on himself. Shoulders sagging slightly. His eyes go to Tom’s face. He looks exhausted. Dead on his feet. Tom stands in his living room. His gaze roves over the space as if he’s trying to find something. After a moment he returns his attention to Colt. Colt can’t tell if he looks disappointed or dejected. Whatever he had been looking for, clearly wasn’t found here.
Tom’s gaze hardens into something adjacent to a glare. Tom must know how his last interaction with Ryland went. The icy look he’s giving Colt feels more than earned. Tom’s tone is just as frigid, “Have you heard from Ryland in the last few days?”
“Days? Try months?” Colt counters. The question is strange. Unexpected. Shouldn’t Tom know where Ryland is? He hasn’t been paying much attention, but there has been no indication that their relationship had ended.
“So, no then?” Tom huffs.
“No,” Colt confirms.
“Should’ve known you’d be no help,” Tom goes to leave. “Don’t know why I bothered coming here. Fuckin’ sad sack.”
The name calling feels merited. It's accurate at least. Colt almost wants to let him go. Worry and dread nag at the back of his mind. Before he even has time to process what he’s doing he’s blocking Tom’s path to the entry hall. He knows he’s not as formidable as he once was. His back still aches, but he can manage this. If it turns into a fight he probably won’t fare well. Tom doesn’t look like he’d do much better. He looks like a stiff breeze could knock him over. Colt’s got a little more power behind him than that. Even if it would be against doctor’s orders for him to engage in such an activity.
Colt hopes that it doesn’t come to that. That they can keep it civil. Or use their words instead of their fists.
“You can’t ask a question like that and not explain yourself,” Colt insists he puts a hand directly to Tom’s sternum to stop him in his tracks. He stands as firmly as he can. Holding himself at his full height, not even the slightest slouch. He can feel the tension in his back, but ignores it. He’s hoping that his no-nonsense demeanor will make Tom start talking.
Tom stares at him for a long time. Like he’s evaluating his options. Deciding if Colt is worthy of the information he has. He grabs Colt’s wrist and forces his hand away from chest. Colt lets the limb drop to his side, waiting with bated breath. Tom brings his hands up to his face, rubbing the inner corners of his eyes before running his hands up through his hair with a heavy breath through his nose.
“You know he tried calling you a few weeks ago,” Tom starts, shaking his head. “He needed you and you didn’t pick up.”
There’s an accusation lying under all of that. That maybe whatever reason Tom has come here could’ve been prevented if Colt had just been present to stop it. Ryland hadn’t just called for no reason. It makes a lot of sense. Ryland had needed him and Colt yet again failed to rise to the occasion.
“Now suddenly, you care?” Tom lets out a short contemptuous laugh. “I came here, because I thought maybe there was a chance he might be here or you might know something, but you’re useless.”
Colt can’t even be angry. Tom is right. Tom’s exterior remains vaguely apathetic, but his words betray him. Underneath the layer of exhaustion is simmering anger and disdain. The heat of it feels tempered by the look in his eyes. Colt has seen Tom cry for the sake of a role, it's not something new. The glassiness of his eyes now is far more genuine. Tom is trying to hide his misery, but Colt can tell just by that. Beyond the fatigue and the rage, Tom is suffering.
Tom isn’t the person who Colt thought would be receiving these words first. He had thought maybe it’d be Ryland or Jody.
“I'm sorry,” the words hang in the air between them. Tom looks ready to reprimand him, the irritation gives way to understanding. It's a peculiar change. Then again for how different they are, they unfortunately have just as many similarities. They know each other well enough they might as well be family. For all Colt knows some day they might be.
Maybe Tom sees it as well. Maybe he understands why Colt ran away from everyone and everything. Tom has just as many escapist tendencies, if not more. Colt’s bore witness to it once or twice over the course of their tandem careers. Tom used to use partying as an escape from dealing with anything difficult. Colt built walls to do the same. Their methods differ but the goal was the same. Create distance. Avoid self-reflection.
“Ryland needed you,” Tom states again. “His apartment was exposed. Someone broke in-”
“What? He's okay, right?” Colt interrupts. He knows it's a stupid question.
“Why would I be here if everything was okay? I'm trying to give you context, numbnuts,” Tom scolds. The insult doesn’t feel particularly weighty. Like it’s Tom's poor attempt at levity. Tom pinches the bridge of his nose, heaving another sigh. “Fine, fine I'll skip the exposition. Whatever.”
Colt nods, “Ooo-kay.”
This whole interaction has been up and down. Colt feels like he might get whiplash if Tom throws him for another loop.
“Ryland was going to come live with me in Sydney. To get away from all this bullshit. I assumed he was just too busy setting his affairs in order to text or call the last couple days,” Tom looks down at the floor. “He never showed up at the airport.”
It's subtle but Colt can see the way Tom jitters. He shifts his weight awkwardly. For a man whose whole job is to believably express emotions, Colt has never seen him this raw.
“Did you go to the police?” Colt asks.
“Of course I did. Put in a report and everything, though they lost the first one somehow,” Tom turns his gaze upward and away. “I've been hitting dead ends all over the place. I tried my place, his apartment and the school,” Tom lists. Colt feels surprised at how thorough he’s been. Tom clearly cares way more than he assumed about Ryland. It makes Colt feel like such an asshole for the comments he made about the value of their relationship. “I’ve got maybe one lead. One Eva Stratt visited him a few days ago at school.”
“I don’t recognize that name,” Colt scrunches his brow trying to think if he might have missed something.
Tom pulls out his phone and shows Colt a photo of a ginger-haired woman, “Alma did some digging. She’s some UN official. I don’t have any confirmation that she’s involved with Ryland going missing. Either way if the police don’t turn anything up in a couple days Alma is going to help draft a post I can release to my socials.”
They stand in silence for a long time. Colt doesn’t know what to say. Anything he could say would probably sound wrong. If Tom feels as terrible as he looks, Colt doesn’t want to add to it. Tom has no solid leads. That sucks, but at least he tried. Colt can’t even say that. He had no idea Ryland was even missing. If Tom hadn't been there for Ryland, it might have taken way longer for anyone to find out. Colt in some ways feels grateful to Tom.
“He’ll turn up,” Colt tries to reassure. It feels empty. “He’s gotta be okay.”
Tom scoffs.
“You don’t have to agree with me, but I’d rather believe that than the alternative,” Colt argues. Colt grabs his phone. “Give me your number.”
“Why would I do that?” Tom grumbles.
“Because if I hear anything I’ll let you know and you can do the same for me,” Colt insists. Tom rattles off his number. Colt sends him a text to give Tom his information. “I know this is a lot, Tom. I’m going to clean up my act. You can call me if you need anything. You don’t need to handle all this by yourself.”
Tom looks at him with a puzzled expression. Like such sincerity is almost lost on him. Colt almost finds it a bit sad. It’s so strange to see Tom in such a light. So different from the facade he usually wears. Maybe that over-confident douchebag thing is just Tom cranked up to 11. Maybe it’s a persona. Colt doesn’t know if he really wants to unpack all that. Colt has barely done anything and Tom is looking at him as if he had spoken in some unknown language.
“Oookay. Thanks I guess,” Tom raises a brow at him and shifts his stance away from Colt. Colt wonders if maybe he's a bit uncomfortable with the honest offer. “I’d really like to leave now if that’s cool with you.”
Colt steps aside, opening the path. He follows Tom to the door. He reminds Tom to keep in touch as a farewell.
Colt wastes no time. He said he was going to get his shit together, he intends to follow through. Clean up and get a job. Tom has done most of the ground work looking for Ryland already, but Colt can keep making calls. He doesn’t care about being a pest, his brother is missing. He refuses to let himself be a failure this time.
True to his word. Tom makes a post a couple days later about Ryland. There’s not a ton of information in it. It includes a nice photo of Tom and Ryland together. It quickly blows up. For the most part the comments lean positive, which is a relief. A few people try to be funny, which is definitely in bad taste. A smaller amount is just straight up cruel. Either way Colt thinks the traction this will create will be a good thing.
Tom texts him to warn him ahead that he might get contacted by the media to do interviews. That warning comes to fruition a few days later. Colt feels conflicted. He doesn’t much care for the spotlight. Regardless if an interview or two might help keep the momentum going, he can hardly say no. Especially when one of then includes Tom and himself together. He knows eventually Ryland’s name will disappear from the news cycle, but this will at least extend the time.
Between that, his PT appointments and his new job as a valet, he’s surprised how often he and Tom text. Some of it is just to check in. Once in a while Tom complains about a script or about his manager. Occasionally he just talks about Ryland. Those ones actually get Colt to pause and read a few times. At least in terms of Tom as Ryland’s boyfriend, he can see he misjudged him. Ryland might be the single most important person in Tom’s life. Colt doesn’t ask, it comes out in pieces here and there. While Colt was busy with his pity party, Tom had been there for Ryland the whole way. Sacrificing one of the biggest roles of his career and restructuring his whole team just to make sure he could continue to be with Ryland. Colt offers some stories in return about the kind of trouble he and Ryland had gotten up to as kids. Tom actually engages with that the best. Tom is also still himself. He peppers in insults. Colt is beginning to think those are actually terms of endearment for Tom. He returns them with as much frequency.
After leaving a particularly boring Monday night shift a couple weeks after Tom’s initial visit he checks his phone to find a voicemail from Tom.
“Hey jackass, call me back as soon as you get this. It’s about Ryland,” the voicemail ends as abruptly as it started.
Colt runs to his truck, already hitting the call button.