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The thought finally occurred to Siffrin on the second floor as he was digging through Marc’s Super Awesome Great Amazing Super Duper Cool Notebook (DO NOT TOUCH!).
His friends were talking around him, discussing something small he had heard a million times before but had never really paid attention to. By the time they had gotten here for the first time, after all, Siffrin had already lived the same events multiple times before, and was distracted just trying to do everything right for once.
(How many times before? Unimportant, really.)
He was flipping through the notebook with practiced ease. He knew exactly where the key was, but. The one time he opened the book right to it, fingers sliding between the pages before flinging it open, Odile hadn’t stopped looking at him weird the rest of the loop. She wasn’t direct about it, but. It was obvious what she thought.
He was more careful, now.
Just like he was careful to trip every once in a while, too, so they wouldn’t accuse him of being “graceful” or “elegant”. He knew it was something weird about the way he walked, he knew that. But. He didn’t understand how he could change the way he walked?
Who could just change their walk just like that?
Ugh, it was ridiculous, and it was whatever. The tripping seemed to take care of all of that.
But right. The thought. The wonderful amazing thought came what felt like abruptly, with no forewarning, but if he thought about it too hard – and he didn’t, because that made his head hurt – he realized that it had been a long time coming, building up.
Just whispers in their ear that all spiraled and cannonballed into–
The crying key rocked back and forth, its chain dangling between his fingers.
(You do not think about how bad you are at your job. Because, they made it to the top without you, didn’t they? They found this key, on the one loop they were without you, they found this key, they found this key, they found this key, they found this k–)
Siffrin inhaled sharply – breath in, breath out – and brought the key to his chest.
He didn’t realize he had interrupted Odile until the room got quiet.
Everyone was looking at him. They were looking at him, they were confused why he sounded upset, they didn’t understand, and how could they?! He never opened up to them, and why would he?! Why would he want help?!
Well, clearly he should’ve accepted it, because they were so much better than he was, and–!
“Hey!” He said brightly, without turning to look over his shoulder, trying to control the small trembles that rocked through him. “If you saw a– a super cool notebook that said “Do Not Touch,” would you touch it?”
Everyone was staring at him. He tried not to let it get to him.
“Yes?” Odile said slowly. “We’re searching everything, Siffrin, are we not? When it comes to the end of the world, nothing is private.”
“No?!” Mirabelle squeaked.
“Yeah! Things that are private should stay private!” Isabeau agreed. “When they get unfrozen, I don’t want to know secrets about them that they didn’t tell me!”
“Yes!” Mirabelle enthused, nodding alongside him. “It’s incredibly disrespectful.”
“If it’s a super cool notebook…” Bonnie mused to themself,
Funny. Siffrin thought it was disrespectful, not because of secrets, but simply because it said not to touch. The secrets mattered not to him. The written words meant so much.
“So, you would’ve checked the notebook even if I wasn’t here?” Siffrin asked to confirm, for his own sake.
“What do you mean ‘if you weren’t here’?!” Odile demanded, hardened.
Why was she pressing this so hard? Why could they never just answer a question directly, yes or no?
“Stars, Odile, it’s just a question!” Siffrin laughed, squeezing the key. “I just… if you weren’t here, would you all be… would you be able to take care of yourself? And how?”
Was there a faster way through that he was just too dense to notice? Was that the problem? Maybe he could send them by themselves next loop, just to see what they did–
No, no, and risk them dying again?
He’d be following right behind, it wouldn’t be an issue, none of this would be an issue, he would intervene if anything happened, he’d tell Mirabelle the CARROT method in the final break room if nothing else, they would be fine, they would be fine, they’d be fine–
“I suppose I would check.” Odile frowned at him, arms crossed. “But that shouldn’t matter, Siffrin–”
“What about the Death Corridor?" Siffrin demanded, twisting around to face her, taking a step forward that made her startle backwards herself. “What would you have done about that?!”
“Check the pillars carefully, I suppose?” Odile said. “But I didn’t see what you hit to make the rock fall today. I doubt I would’ve been able to see it–”
No, no, that made sense. If the rock only fell when you felt safe, and as soon as Mirabelle realized what the corridor was, she never would’ve felt safe. Never ever. They would’ve made it through the Death Corridor just fine, if he hadn’t been there to encourage them.
“What about the key in the Head Handmaiden’s office?” Siffrin asked. “How would– I– I struggled to find that one, how would you have–?”
Everyone was staring at them. Eyes peeling into him, staring, watching, seeing straight to his heart.
“There…” Mirabelle frowned, “...is a key in the Head Handmaiden’s office, I suppose… but… we haven’t gone there yet? How do you–?”
Oh.
Oh.
(Well, that’s unfortunate. You should’ve thought that through. How were you supposed to know you were going to piece together that they didn’t need you right now?)
(It’s probably because Mirabelle trusted you so much that she grew complacent. If she actually had to do things herself, instead of always relying on you to PULL HER BLINDING WEIGHT–)
Siffrin took a step away from… he couldn’t tell if he was trying to escape from themself or from his family members.
“How did you know?” Mirabelle asked, wringing her hands together anxiously as Odile’s gaze sharpened with cold realization. “Siffrin, you couldn’t have… Were you a student here? How didn’t I remember you–?”
No. No, no, no, Siffrin had to escape.
He wasn’t here, they weren’t allowed to know he was looping, they weren’t allowed to–
He pushed past them numbly. They followed after him, because that’s all they did. They called him a wild animal, but they were more like a collection of pets, trailing after their owner, because they were just as pathetic and needy as–
(What’s wrong with you, thinking of your friends like that? You should stop that now. Disgusting, disgusting, disgusting.)
They were still talking behind him, but it had all faded to white noise. Like he was zoning out while walking. He went straight to the nearest tear. He wasn’t sure how they managed to avoid detection from the sadness, but that was fine.
It was fine.
Everything was fine.
He was just going to…
Relive this floor again. No big deal.
Siffrin closed his single eye, and reached out to touch the tear.
“Hey, waitaminute–” Isabeau said in horror, and then everything washed over Siffrin.
(...)
(...)
(Start Again?)