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Will Solace made his way into Nico’s life slowly. So slow, Nico had not noticed the impact of Will’s presence until it was a constant, until Nico found himself looking for Will’s smile in every room he entered (on the few, rare occasions that Will was not right alongside Nico), until Will was often the center of his thoughts. It started with hanging out in between activities, making small talk about camp and learning about each other, until one day it was Nico choosing to ignore his own cabin’s schedule in favor of doing everything with Cabin 7. He had meals with them, took extra time at the end of camp sing-alongs to help Will clean up, and teamed up with them during activities.
Will had slotted into Nico’s life easily, fitting in perfectly, like he was made to be in it. Nico could not fathom his life without Will, wondering how he had managed to live before Will, wondering who he talked to and what occupied his thoughts. Sure, he had other people he could talk to, other campers he was doing his best to become friendly with. But, Will understood him with very little effort. Will made him laugh, and stood up for him. He worked to include him in all activities and pushed Nico out of his comfort zone. It made Nico’s transition to staying at camp full time easy. He had a real friend, someone to talk to, someone to lean on.
Nico was so wrapped up in Will, though, that he had not noticed that other people began noticing the way he and Will were seemingly always in each other’s orbit. He didn’t think anyone noticed or cared about him all that much, once he had gotten used to him, once everyone had realized he wasn’t a threat. He assumed that he had become one of the least interesting people at camp. He had been wrong.
*
Will didn’t usually have a morning shift at the infirmary on Tuesdays, but half of his cabin was dealing with some kind of stomach virus, and so Will was called in to work a double at the last minute. Will came over early in the morning to tell Nico, since they usually walked to the dining pavilion together. This had put Nico in a bad mood before the day had even really begun. Even though Nico knew Will really was sorry he abandoned him (and he looked especially cute in the mask he was wearing), Nico was still annoyed. There was nothing he hated more than being woken up to loud banging on his door at 6 am, except maybe arriving for breakfast and realizing that he shouldn’t sit at the infected Cabin 7’s table (especially when the main reason he usually sat there wasn’t around). Nico had resigned himself to sitting alone when he heard a “Nico!” and turned to see Lou Ellen waving him over to Hecate Cabin’s table. He breathed a sigh of relief he hadn’t known he was holding.
Nico’s mood vastly improved with the prospect of not sitting alone, being invited to hang out with someone who he was slowly considering to be a real friend, and eating some toast. Still, when it came time to split up for various camp activities, Nico asked “Do you want to ditch archery with me and do something else?” He had no interest in attempting to seem excited by archery, something he was abysmal at, and the thought of having to make small talk with people he didn’t know that well made him nauseous. Ditching with Lou Ellen sounded like the perfect solution.
“You don’t need to ask me twice,” Lou Ellen quickly replied, which made Nico smile.
The two settled on sitting under a tree by the canoe lake in favor of their respective activities. One of the things Nico liked most about being with Lou Ellen was how easy she was to talk to, and how silences didn’t feel uncomfortable when they did eventually run out of things to say. It was a peaceful morning where they were largely unbothered, and Nico felt almost ready to take on the day as lunch time approached. His mood had evened out, he felt calm, and he knew he could now have civil conversations with people outside of his immediate circle. Just when he was about to suggest they do something else, Nico felt eyes watching him. He looked around, scared, on alert for whatever it was looking at him, until he noticed what was happening.
Across the canoe lake, Nico noticed some Aphrodite campers whispering to each other. He would not have even noticed, had they not pointedly looked at him a few times before turning back to each other and saying something.
Nico frowned, turning away from the whispering group, and curled into himself. “They’re not talking about me, right?” Nico asked. He felt foolish for even asking, but he did everything he could to not be the center of gossip. This was the worst possible outcome for him. Nico felt his improved mood vanish, and he was right back to where he started this morning.
“I mean, I can’t say for sure…” Lou Ellen said trailing off, clearly avoiding giving a straight answer. She knew something he didn’t know. Nico sighed. He would rather Lou Ellen just be up front with him because she wasn’t hiding anything from him with that tone. If she wanted to dance around the truth, she had to be more convincing.
“I can tell there is more you want to say,” Nico said. “Just say it. Whatever I am imagining you are thinking is definitely worse than what you are actually thinking.”
It was now Lou Ellen’s turn to sigh. “Well… you asked for it. There is a rumor going around. About… you and Will. Some of the campers have noticed that the two of you are always hanging around. And people are starting to wonder if you are dating,” Lou Ellen replied. “I have to assume that’s what they’re talking about.”
Nico’s stomach fell. He felt nauseous and sweaty and like everything was moving in slow motion all at once. “Oh,” was all he could muster in that moment, feeling incredibly vulnerable and far too scrutinized. Feeling like he did not want to be seen any longer, Nico stood up, as casually as he could and said, “I think I need a nap. Will I see you later at lunch?” Nico asked, not wanting Lou Ellen to think he was mad at her. He wasn’t. He asked her for the truth and she was honest- he appreciated that. He mostly felt mad at himself, mad that he was still somehow a topic of gossip, when he tried his best to fly as under the radar as possible. And just when he had begun to grow accustomed to the idea of people at camp actually being okay with his presence, and had even conceded to having made a few friends, all of that progress was thrown out the window. He felt uncomfortable being perceived by anyone now that he knew they were talking about him, and just wanted to be alone.
Lou Ellen nodded with an apologetic smile on her face. Nico tried his best to return a smile, knowing by the way his muscles felt tight that his expression likely looked disingenuous and strange, before turning and walking back to Cabin 13.
He tried to sleep once back in his dark, quiet cabin, but found himself unable to quiet his racing mind. Nico could no longer deny the way Will’s eyes made Nico’s stomach do flips, or the way his smile made Nico feel warm for the first time in years. He internally was growing to accept that he had, somewhere along the way (maybe even at first sight), developed a crush on Will. A crush that was growing stronger and stronger every day, and was likely not returned. He was okay with harboring an unrequited crush on Will. He was used to it.
He was not okay with other people noticing that something was going on between them, because if other people noticed his crush, then maybe Will did too. Will noticing would be terrifying, because Nico was positive Will could never like him back in that way (and now a small part of Nico thought that maybe Will didn’t even like him as friend, that he was just trying to be nice to the camp freak). Nico wanted to crush on Will in silence. He never wanted him to find out about it. That, coupled with other people knowing about his crush, was too much to handle.
“But it was Aphrodite kids that noticed,” Hazel responded when Nico explained his predicament after being unable to find sleep. “They definitely have some kind of innate knowledge of that stuff. I don’t think if they potentially noticed that means that everyone has noticed that something is up. I’m sure just a few people have a suspicion.”
“Yeah, but you have to take this into consideration: Aphrodite kids rarely ever stop gossiping,” Nico replied, his anxious feelings bubbling up the more he talked about it. He was feeling worse and worse by the second. “And they definitely mentioned it to other campers, and there’s no way this won’t go back to Will. Everyone likes him, and so surely someone will bring it up to him, if not to tease him then at least to try to get the full story.” His life was over. If Will found out, he had no choice but to run away from camp.
“Fair point,” Hazel responded, nodding her head. She paused, before saying, “Well, why don’t you beat them to it? Ask Will on a date before anyone can bother him about the two of you. That way he is expecting it if someone asks and it takes the fear out of it. You can tell him about your crush on your own terms, rather than through some rumors.”
“You are unhinged,” Nico said, unable to think of anything more frightening than asking Will out, and he had seen some shit. “I cannot do that. He is going to turn me down, and what’s worse is he will be so nice about it, and then everything between us will be awkward. I like having him as a friend, and whether I have a crush or not, that is good enough for me. It’s more than I deserve. I cannot ask for more.”
“After saving the world, I think you can afford having a chance at asking a boy out. That is normal teenage stuff.” Nico almost laughed, unable to think of a word less fitting for him than normal. “And, even if you didn’t save the world, you are a good person, Nico. And from what I can tell, Will seems into you too. The stories you tell about him, the way he looks at you, it’s obvious. I think you should tell him about your crush, at least for peace of mind.”
“I hate this idea,” Nico replied, feeling uncomfortable and nauseous and terrified all at once. How could he ever willingly tell Will about his crush? He had done it with Percy, but that was different. Nico was over Percy by that point. He was actively crushing on Will now. His response, if negative, would crush Nico. And yet… he did not want Will finding out about his crush from some stupid rumors.
“That’s not a no,” Hazel responded, a smile stretching across her face. Nico sighed, knowing there was no way he was getting out of this one. Hazel would keep bringing it up until Nico actually asked Will out. He couldn’t entertain that thought just yet. He needed time.
*
“So. Does Will know yet that you have a thing for him?” Cecil asked Nico a few days later when Nico was taking a break from the beginning sword fighting class Nico had offered to teach in exchange for skipping drama class. Nico almost spit his water out in horror. He looked around, relieved to see all of the new, young campers he had been teaching were too busy wrapped up in their own conversations or gasping for air to be listening to what Nico and Cecil were saying.
“Cecil, what are you talking about?” Nico asked, knowing he sounded far too defensive. “Also, you shouldn’t even be here. You are not registered for this special class.”
“I’m just walking by,” Cecil replied. “I can do that. It’s a free country. Also, stop evading the question. You like Will. And, I highly suspect that he likes you too, but he’ll never admit it to me. And believe me, I tried to get it out of him.”
“You need to stop saying that. What if someone hears you?” Nico asked, terrified of the prospect of even more people knowing about his crush on Will.
“No one is listening or cares dude. Seriously. Most of this camp is gayer than the San Francisco chapter of the Party Ponies. I am just trying to help you out. I’m sick of seeing the two of you pine after each other,” Cecil replied. “You guys need to get your shit together.”
“I do not pine,” Nico replied, even though, for most of his life, Nico was pining after something. He couldn’t help that he yearned, but that didn’t mean he needed to admit it, as obvious as it was.
“Sorry, I forgot you were Mr. Aloof and Mysterious. But in all seriousness,” Cecil said, “and I promise I will leave you alone after this, you really should ask Will out. Will won’t, because he’s probably all worried about your boundaries and fucking up, so you should be the one to step up and ask him out. On my life, it will be worth your while.”
Nico spent the rest of the afternoon teaching his class, unable to really focus on what he was saying or doing. Cecil’s words continuously bounced around in his brain. Cecil, Nico decided, was not lying to Nico. He had no reason to. Him and Nico had gotten along well enough, enough for Nico to entertain Cecil being his friend. He was sure Cecil wanted what was best for both Nico and Will, and if he said Will was interested in Nico like that then maybe Nico actually did have a chance, whether or not Cecil had concrete confirmation of Will’s feelings.
The longer Nico thought about what Cecil said, the more and more plausible it was that, for some unknown reason, Will maybe did actually like Nico in that way. Maybe Will truly did have a crush on Nico. And, if what Cecil was saying about Will being reluctant to make the first move was true, then Nico had to be the one to admit it first or else they would never go out. Nico just hoped that he was convincing himself that Will maybe liked him because he wanted it to be true so badly. He had never imagined anyone could feel that way about him.
He also couldn’t imagine being brave enough to confess to Will without any solid proof that he felt that way about Nico. All he had was Cecil’s insistence and the small voice in Nico’s head that truly hoped it was real. Nico went back and forth in his head for a few days, wondering what he should do. Eventually, he decided that if the moment felt right, he would say something to Will.
A few days later, the moment was right. Something about being alone with Will after a sing along made Nico feel brave. Maybe the sugar from s’mores in his system was giving him bravery points, or maybe it was the late night tiredness turning his brain into something far too emotional and honest, but Nico took the plunge.
Nico just knew he had to get his secret out before he couldn’t hold onto it any longer. And looking back on it, he could not have picked a more romantic setting for his big confession. Underneath the stars, with the last embers from the campfire slowly dying was the perfect place. Nico knew that years from now, the memory would continue to be clear in his mind. Will’s expression, the moon glinting off his eyes and the dissipating smoke swirling around them, the burning smell etched into their clothes. It was one of the most special moments he had had in the past few years, most of which had been hard and lonely. And, Nico decided when he and Will walked back towards the cabins, finger tips brushing against each other, that maybe this was good for him. Maybe, like Hazel said, he did deserve this.
*
Nico and Will went on a first date, and then another one, and then another one, and soon Nico stopped counting the dates, because they were numerous and seemingly, never ending. Every date picked up where the last one left off, and Nico wondered why he had ever been so scared to tell Will about his feelings in the first place. As the days became colder and shorter, Nico felt his insides grow warmer and warmer. He rarely felt lonely these days, rarely questioning his place at camp. He filled his time with his friends and activities and jokes and, of course, Will.
Nico could not get enough of Will. Nico was… happy. Amazingly, exceedingly so. He hadn’t known he could feel this alive, this fulfilled, this content.
There was one problem, one thing that kept sticking out in Nico’s mind. One major thing, when he really thought about it. Something that he really had to do.
He and Will hadn’t really told anyone about them being together.
Telling everyone about them shouldn’t have been as big a deal as it felt to Nico. Like Cecil had said when he told Nico that Will liked him back, plenty of the camp was gay, some in relationships and some not. No one really seemed to care. Still, when Nico thought about holding hands with Will in front of the whole camp, his brain froze, his stomach turned. He imagined the stares, the laughter, the potential judgement. He knew he was gay, he accepted who he was, but it felt wrong to tell everyone. It felt like a secret he had to keep from the world, maybe because it had been something he kept so secret all these years.
And, to make matters worse, Nico knew the rumors had only gotten more intense the more he and Will went on dates. He had once or twice heard other campers saying things along the lines of, “And did you see the two of them alone last night?” or “Do you think they are dating yet?” when he and Will had walked by. It was upsetting, to think about people talking about him, theorizing about his own personal business. And, maybe if they knew the truth, they would just leave him alone.
“You don’t have to say anything to anyone,” Will reminded Nico when he voiced his worries to Will one night as they laid on their backs on Nico’s bed, listening to a playlist of songs one of Will’s siblings had made for Will. “You owe them nothing. You can just live your life as it is now and let them speculate for the rest of eternity.”
Nico sighed, staring at his ceiling rather than looking Will in the face during this conversation. The guilt tore at his insides, making him feel ashamed. “That feels like the easy way out. Something about it feels… cowardly. It’s normal to tell people you are dating someone. I am just not normal, and I definitely do not like that everyone is gossiping about us.”
“It’s really not cowardly to not come out,” Will replied. “It’s your life. You can do whatever you want. Keeping things to yourself doesn’t make you any less brave, any less of a great swordsman, any less the loveable and grumpy guy you are. You’re allowed to tell people if you want, but only when and if you feel ready.”
“Do you care though?” Nico asked, finally turning to face Will, voicing a question that had been floating around in his head for the past few weeks. “I mean, surely you don’t like having to hide all this.” Surely, Nico thought, you would rather be with someone who could be open about your relationship without it feeling like the word was going to end. Nico knew that Will deserved to be with someone who was able to proclaim to the world just how amazing Will was. Will deserved a partner who was brave and open and loud about their relationship, and Nico just wasn’t able to do that.
“Everyone comes out at their own pace. I want to talk about my boyfriend,” Nico cringed upon hearing that word, still feeling uncomfortable when he heard it, “to the world. But I also am not a complete idiot and I want to respect your wishes. I understand that you feel scared. Coming out is hard, and I care more about your wellbeing than about holding your hand and gushing about you in public.”
Nico felt uncomfortable hearing that, because he believed that Will cared about him and wanted to develop their relationship at the pace that Nico was comfortable with. And, they were still so new to being together. It was okay to take it slow, for now. But how would Will feel months, or years from now? Nico could only imagine that being closted forever would be awful for Will, to be someone’s secret like that. And, he didn’t want Will to think Nico was reluctant to come out because of Will, that the reason he didn’t want to tell people about their relationship was not because he was dating a boy, but because he was dating Will specifically. He was sure their secret relationship would eventually make Will feel insecure and unwanted, and Nico didn’t want to hurt him.
Yet, every time he thought about coming out, Nico froze. He could not imagine a future in which being open about his sexuality and who he was dating wouldn’t be terrifying. How was he supposed to tell everyone about who he really was when it seemed like it would be a fate worse than death for him? Emotion overruled logic in this situation, no matter how many times Nico told himself it would be okay.
“We can do whatever you want,” Will continued saying, turning to face Nico when he did not reply. “I am happy to wait here for as long as you need.”
“I hope it is not much longer,” Nico said finally, unsure of what else to say. “I do not want to hide. I want to tell people.” Will reached out to brush a strand of Nico’s hair from his face, a soft smile on his face. Nico took a deep breath in, trying to control his racing heart, and focused on what he had in front of him, rather than what he thought he should do. It was true- he did not want to hide anymore. But, he always had tomorrow to worry about what he was going to do.
*
When Nico started coming out, he started off small. He first told Hazel, the easiest person to tell because she knew Nico was gay and had begged for Nico to ask Will out. It was by accident, however, because he had not really planned on telling her anything during their weekly IM. He knew he kept talking about Will, unable to help himself when the boy had become a main character in every interesting story that happened to Nico. He heard himself, knowing it was kind of ridiculous the way he couldn’t keep Will’s name out of his mouth. And with every mention of Will, Hazel’s smile grew a little bit more and more each time, which only made Nico more and more flustered.
And before he knew it, Nico heard himself saying, “And last night we grabbed dinner and then had a picnic by the strawberry fields,” which was when Hazel finally cut in.
“Nico, it sounds like you and Will have been having a lot of fun together. And I love it. I’m all for it. But I have to ask- are the two of you dating?” Hazel questioned. “Because it sounds like you might be.”
Nico went silent for a few moments, unsure of how to proceed. He did not want to lie to Hazel- he told her practically everything. And he was not about to start lying now. But, his instincts shouted at him to lie, to dispute the notion that he and Will would ever be together, to hang up the call and never speak to Hazel again. Both outcomes made him feel nauseous, so he knew whatever route he took would feel uncomfortable. Nico took a deep breath and opened his mouth, unsure of what he was going to say when he finally spoke.
“Yes, we are,” Nico admitted, surprising himself that he was able to say it so casually. As Hazel’s grin grew wider and she demanded all of the details, Nico knew he had made the right decision.
Feeling emboldened, he decided to tell more people. After Hazel came Jason, then Reyna, then Percy and Annabeth, and then Cecil and Lou Ellen. Being met with happiness and acceptance (and Percy’s “I knew it!” before Annabeth gave him a shove) meant more to Nico than he realized.
Nico found himself being braver than he ever anticipated. Nobody really… cared. All of his previously held notions were disputed. The world didn’t collapse. No one hated him. The world kept on turning, and he and Will were stronger than ever. And, he even kind of felt… good. Relieved and content.
Nico woke up one morning, and knew it was time to let everyone at camp know about him and Will. He still felt terrified, but he knew it would be okay. He had his friends and Will, and no matter how everyone at camp perceived him, it would be fine. He would be okay.
He didn’t want to have to go around in secret any longer. It was draining, and Nico just could not do it. He wanted to do things with Will in public, wanted to talk about Will, wanted to feel safe and accepted. He had to do this, or he never would.
He got ready for the day, same as always. He picked out a pair of jeans and laced up his boots and pulled on his jacket, but it all felt somewhat… different. Not quite bad, but not quite good either. Just different, with the knowledge that a big change was about to happen.
Will knocked on Nico’s door and greeted him with a smile at the same time Will came to Nico’s door every day. Nico did his best to return the smile, knowing what was coming, but not wanting to freak Will out. They walked to breakfast, and ate it together as they usually did. Nico tried his best to act like everything was fine, that he was normal and calm. If anyone caught on, they didn’t say anything. And when they finished breakfast, and were scheduled to walk to their first activity (pottery) Nico put his hand on Will’s arm as Will stood up and was turning to walk away. Will stopped and looked at Nico questioningly.
Nico felt his heart beating out of his chest, ready to run away. But, he had to stop running. He had to face his fears. This was it. “I want to hold your hand,” Nico said to Will, his voice barely above a whisper.
Will looked at Nico. His expression could have been read as neutral if not for the wide eyed look he was giving Nico, like he wasn’t sure he heard him correctly. “Okay,” Will said, not questioning why Nico was asking it, just going with it, which Nico was grateful for. If Will had questioned him, Nico would have taken it as a sign to not go through with this.
Will grabbed Nico’s hand and gave it a long, hard squeeze. Nico almost apologized for how sweaty he was sure his palms were, but couldn’t get the words out. Instead, Nico and Will walked hand in hand out of the dining pavilion, and Nico did his best to not pass out.
People were staring. Nico expected it, but that didn’t mean he liked it. Nico could feel the eyes on them, and it made him feel so small, so judged, so vulnerable. He could see them whispering, but couldn’t hear what people were saying, which was somehow worse than knowing what they were talking about. Nico wondered if maybe he had made a mistake. Maybe he had misjudged everyone and this would be it. He would be ostracized and have to leave camp to start over again, just as he was finally getting comfortable. He couldn’t handle this. He had to get out of there now. He would have bolted already if Will hadn’t had such a tight grip on his hand.
Before he could spiral any further, Nico heard a voice say, “excuse me.” He and Will turned to see one of the new boys from Cabin 10 standing there, looking excitedly at the two of them. “I’m sorry, but I have to ask. Are the two of you dating?” he asked, having the common sense to look a little apologetic that he was interrupting the two of them. Nico assumed that he had been tasked by his older siblings to go ask, and so Nico tried to give him a little sympathy during one of the scariest moments of his life.
Will stayed silent, looking at Nico, waiting for his answer. Nico took a deep breath, settling his nerves as best he could, and answered.
“Yeah we are.. together,” Nico settled on, unable to make himself say boyfriend. He tried not to beat himself up over the panic that bubbled over when he thought of saying that word out loud. Instead he focused on the small win as it was, that he and Will were holding hands in public, that Nico had willingly said that he and Will were dating to a person he barely knew, that Nico didn’t completely feel like the world was crashing down around him. Will, as if he could read Nico’s mind, squeezed Nico’s hand with his own again. Nico let go of all the tension in his body that he was holding in, relaxing his shoulders and unclenching his jaw.
He suddenly didn’t feel the need to run away like he usually did, did not feel the need to hide and push everyone away. This is who he was, and he had admitted it to someone who was not in the small circle of people he trusted with his life. Everything would be okay.
“Cool, finally!” the boy exclaimed, before running off towards a group of other newcomers from his cabin. “Guess what!” he exclaimed as he drew near.
Will laughed, watching the younger boy run away. “Well, I guess the entire camp will know about us before lunch,” Will said.
“Is that such a bad thing?” Nico asked, realizing he had truly felt that way. So what if everyone knew about him and Will? A weight had been lifted from his shoulders. He felt so light.
That was what he had been scared of doing? That was it? He had agonized for months for that one small interaction. He felt silly, but relieved. It was over. Everyone would soon know about him and Will, and that was okay.
Will smiled and knocked his shoulder gently into Nico’s. “No, it’s not a bad thing.” The smile on Will’s face made Nico blush, his stomach doing flips and his heart racing. They walked towards their pottery class, and Nico felt freer with every step.