Chapter Text
Colt yawns as he steps out of the bathroom, steam curling at his ankles from his shower as he tousles his hair with the towel to dry it and absently tugs up his sweatpants to sit at his waist. Despite it not even being eleven yet, Colt knows he needs to turn in for bed soon considering his crew's call is at the crack of dawn tomorrow, which means he needs to be getting to sleep pronto if he wants to be functional enough to drive to set in the morning.
Early morning calls are the worst.
He hooks his towel around his neck before picking up his phone off the dresser he'd left it on before his shower, scrolling through his messages and group chats to make sure he hadn't missed any last minute details or schedule changes before he calls it for the night. It's in the middle of his routine message sweep that a new notification pops up at the top of his cracked screen, the name making him frown as he presses on the text to open it.
La La Land
You busy rn?
Colt frowns a little more, blinking in confusion as he reads and then re-reads his brother's text.
It's not like his twin never texts him this late or anything- hell, Ryland usually tended to text him some stupid meme or video link way later in the night at some godforsaken hour when any other sensible person, Colt included, would be fast asleep.
He takes too long to respond this time though, because a new text ‘vwoops’ up into their chat before he can shoot something in response.
La La Land
Oh good ure still up
Hey, q question- are you still living in that shitty motel?
For work?
The Cooler Brother
The one in South Beach? Yeah
Wait why??
La La Land
Just checking.
Same room number? Like 209 or smth right?
The Cooler Brother
213
Again. Why.
Istg if you're helping a stalker or someone murder me
I'll haunt your ass for the rest of your life
Ry?
???
La La Land
Okay good, that IS your beater pickup in the parking lot
Open up.
Colt doesn't have time to register that ominous fucking text, let alone fire off any sort of clarifying question when there's a sudden knock at his door.
He stares dumbfoundedly at the door as another knock rattles the chain keeping it safely bolted, blinking out of his stupor as his phone vibrates and chimes with another notification in his palm
La La Land
If you dont open this door im gonna start scraaming
*screaming
Colt knows damn well his brother will make good on his threat, so he scrambles for the entrance and quickly unlocks his motel door before throwing it open.
Sure enough, one Ryland Grace stands on his doorstep, more disheveled and messy than usual with a battered duffle bag slung over a shoulder and hand still in a fist hovering near his head like he was about to start pounding on the metal barrier Colt had swung out of his way.
“You look like shit.” Colt blurts, internally grimacing a little at his too-blunt sudden honesty, but what else was he supposed to say?? His brother does, in fact, look terrible at the moment.
His dark-blonde hair is sticking up everywhere like he'd been running a hand through it repeatedly. His clothes look wrinkled and slept in, reddish-maroon zip-up hoodie slipped halfway off an arm. One of the shoelaces of his beat up chucks are undone and threatening to trip him, and his glasses are perched precariously close to the tip of his nose as if considering just taking the dive off his face.
“Well hello to you too, Coco” Ryland sardonically greets, cocking his head a little to the side inquisitively "You mind?”
“Wait, no-” Colt backtracks with a shake of his head “What are you doing here??” He baffles, noting how the bags under his twin’s eyes are much deeper than usual. There's a heavy, resigned exhaustion weighing Ryland down, so familiar in its unfamiliarity that it immediately has red flags rising in Colt's brain “Gainesville is like, what? A five hour drive out here? Six?? And at this time of night, dude? What were you thinking-?”
“Linda broke up with me.” His brother announces with an odd sort of… hollowness in his voice, absently shoving his glasses up to sit properly on the bridge of his nose with the heel of a palm as his eyes awkwardly dart off to the side to stare at a crack in the cement floor.
Oh.
Shit.
“Shit.” Colt replies, unsure of what else to say as Ryland lets out a humorless snort, lips faintly twitching into the ghost of what could possibly be mistaken as a smile
“Yeah.” He croaks, picking at a sleeve cuff “Shit.”
“Um. Okay. Fuck- come on” Colt sighs, tiredly running a hand over his face as he steps aside to let his brother in “Make yourself at home, I guess…”
Ryland hums a quiet noise of thanks as he walks in, dropping his bag on the chair over by the window before planting face down on Colt's bed.
“...your bed smells like cigarettes.”
“Well the company isn't exactly splurging on some random rookie stuntman's sleeping accommodations” Colt scoffs as he closes and relocks the door “I'm lucky they even got me my own “room”, let alone a private one.” He chuckles, slipping his phone in his pocket to turn his attention back on his sibling “So… um, rough day?”
“She broke up with me yesterday.” Ryland clarifies, groan muffled a little as he rolls over on his back to stare up at the popcorn ceiling, hands folding over his stomach “Came by for her stuff this afternoon. I decided it’d be best for me to get out of the way for her and her friends and…” he shrugs, holding up his hands a little in an exasperated gesture “I ended up driving here before I knew what I was doing”
“She didn’t kick you out, did she?” Colt presses, frowning a little in worry as he starts picking up the scattered mess in his room, partially to seem like a put-together human being and partially to give himself something to do rather than awkwardly stand there “Are both your names on the lease?”
“No, she didn’t kick me out of my own apartment, Colt” Ryland sighs, scrubbing at his face with both hands “And- well, we’ve only been living together for like two months so we didn’t-” he drops his hands and purses his mouth a little “We didn’t really get around to… doing that.”
“...How long were you guys dating for again??”
“Ten months.”
“Damn” Colt says with a low whistle, tossing his clothes in a pile next to the drawers before slipping on a clean enough shirt and flopping down on the foot of his bed to sit “No offense man, but what the hell happened??” He asks, hearing his brother snort a little “That’s like, the longest relationship you’ve ever held. Hell, I think that’s the only romantic relationship you’ve ever held... Unless you count that one time back in high-school-”
“I don’t.”
“Okay then yeah, your only romantic relationship” Colt shrugs, leaning back to rest on his hands “...you okay?”
“M’fine” Ryland mutters, turning away from Colt to stare at the wall with a distant gaze instead
“Ry, you drove six hours to Miami on a whim to stay with me in quite possibly the shittiest motel in existence” Colt deadpans, staring his brother down “You got on 95 at this time of night. Willingly.” He makes a frantic gesture with his hands “I don’t drive on 95 unless I’m forced to! You’re very much not okay-”
“I am!” Ryland snaps, turning back to glare at him “I’m fine, Colt!
“Then why are you here?”
“I just got broken up with, Colt! God!” Ryland exclaims, sitting up properly to throw his hands up “What, am I not allowed to visit my brother after a breakup?!”
“Not when your uni is six hours from my workplace and you have classes in the morning!!” Colt shoots back, pinning his sibling with an identical glare “You hate missing class, you hate driving and you hate this motel! Clearly you're not taking this breakup well! What happened with you two?! I thought you guys were doing well!”
“That's none of your business.” Ryland grits out, looking away and crossing his arms tight around his middle
“Seriously?” Colt scoffs “Fine. Whatever, La La Lan. If-”
“DON'T CALL ME THAT!!” Ryland shouts, grabbing a pillow and smacking Colt in the chest with it, nearly toppling him over “You know I fucking hate that nickname-!”
“Whoa, fucking touchy tonight, jackass!” Colt spits, snatching the pillow away and pelting his brother in the face with it in retaliation hard enough to knock him over “If you wanna be an asshole about whatever happened between you and Linda, fine! But don't take it out on me for your failed relationship! It's not my fault you can't hold anyone past two dates and quite frankly, you should be a bit nicer to the only person standing between you and sleeping in your car for the night!!”
Ryland just lays there on the bed for a silent moment, face still covered by the pillow and glasses knocked off a little higher up on the mattress. His twin takes a shuddering breath under the cushion and with dawning horror, Colt realizes his brother is crying.
“Shitshitshit- hey, hey I'm sorry-” Colt quickly apologizes, crawling closer and swallowing down the panic bubbling up in his throat, some childish impulse to fix this before he got in trouble “I'm sorry- Ry, Rylie, come on man, I didn't hit you that hard, did I?” He frets, leaning over his brother's prone form as Ryland curls up and sobs harder into the pillow he now clutches “Ryland? Did I poke your eye out or something-?”
“I think there's something wrong with me” The young man chokes out, another shuddering breath rattling his shoulders as his fingers claw at the pillow over his face with concerning desperation “There's something wrong. I think- I think I'm broken, Colton…”
“What??” Colt presses, hands hovering over his brother in confusion, unsure of where to touch to calm him down “What do you- what are you talking about? Are you sick- oh god, you're not Sick are you?” He asks, lungs seizing under his ribs in tight panic as he drags his brother closer, a frantic need buzzing under his skin as he pries Ryland's hands out of the pillow to get a better look at his face and examine him “Ry. Ry tell me you're not sick please, you can't-”
“I don't know!” Ryland wails, uncovered face blotchy and red as tears pool up in his eyes and steadily trickle into his hairline “I don't know! Something's wrong with me! I can't- it's wrong! It's wrong! It's wrong-!” He repeats, heels of his hands digging into his eyes as his fingers tug at his hair, shaking his head a little “I'm wrong! I'm built wrong! Something's wrong and I- I don't- I can't fix it! I need to fix it-!”
“Ryland- Ryland what the fuck are you talking about??” Colt huffs, gently tugging his twin's hands out of his hair and pulling him up to sit
“Linda!!” He cries, as if that explained a damn thing
“What about her?!”
Ryland just shakes his head frantically and lets out a guttural noise as he collapses into his brother's arms, muffling his sobs into Colt's chest and tears quickly soaking through the fabric.
Colton is at a bit of a loss.
Ryland is the crier of them two, that much everyone knew about the brothers, Colt and Ryland included.
His brother was just too empathetic, too sensitive, felt his emotions just a touch too much to keep them from spilling out at the slightest of instances. But that was only when it came to the smaller things, the trivial, harmless things in their lives like sad movies and papercuts and too many homework assignments all due on the same day. Colt knows those tears, he knows how to handle his older brother of three minutes in those moments, knows how to take care of the sniffly, rambling, dramatic mess Ryland would become before pulling himself together to be coherent again.
This wasn't that.
“Hey, hey- it's okay, you’re okay” Colt soothes, awkwardly wrapping around his brother in a pathetic imitation of what Ryland would do for him when they were younger and everything got too much and the dam would finally break-
Fuck. When was the last time Ry cried like this? Properly cried around him.
Colt thinks back and back and back and he realizes with a sinking feeling in his stomach that Ryland hadn't Cried in front of him in years.
No, when it came down to it, really came down to it… Colt can't recall a moment his brother didn't have it together for both their sakes. He can't remember a time among blurry, grief-stricken memories where Ryland wasn't a solid pillar of warmth there to keep him steady.
Ryland hasn't Cried since before their parents-
Colt swallows down that awful realization and pulls his brother in a little tighter, mumbling soft nothings and mindless nonsense in his ear to soothe the wailing, sobbing mess carefully cradled in his arms. He ignores the damp, warm discomfort steadily growing against his chest, the firm ache of fingers distending his shirt from how tight they grip, the dull pain of a knobbly knee awkwardly digging into his hip and thigh.
He ignores all that and keeps rubbing gentle circles against his twin's back, humming a wordless tune deep in his chest as he feels Ryland slowly slump against him, gut-wrenching wails slowly quieting into soft hiccups and whimpers as he practically goes boneless against Colt. They stay there like that for a few more moments, neither making a move to untangle themselves until Ryland finally gives a small sniffle and presses a damp cheek against Colt's chest.
“...I think,” Ryland starts, voice shot and quiet “I think I'm broken, Colton.” He repeats, soft and miserable “I think there's something wrong with me, in how I'm built…”
“What makes you say that?” Colt hums, running a hand through his brother's sweaty hair, fingers smoothing out the blonde strands at the back of his head “I mean, you're weird, but I'm sure there's weirder people out there-”
“No, I don't-” Ryland shakes his head and wraps his arms around Colt's torso “I don't think I'm capable of love.” He admits
Colt pauses, looking down at his brother in utter confusion.
“The fuck??” He baffles, pushing some of Ryland's hair out of his face “What on earth makes you say that- what the fuck did Linda tell you?” He fumes, a dark lick of blinding rage flickering to life in his gut at the thought of his twin's girlfriend- ex-girlfriend now, saying some stupid shit to him that landed him like this “I'm gonna fucking kill her-”
“No! No, she didn’t-” Ryland starts to protest, pulling himself up and messily wiping at his face with another sniffle “I just-” He lets out a sigh and drops his hands in his lap, head drooping “I don’t know” He finishes lamely, picking at his sleeve cuffs “She- We had this fight. I don’t- I don’t remember what exactly set it off- we’ve been arguing more and more lately- something about me focusing too much on my classes o-or hanging out too much with friends instead of her- I thought we hung out plenty!” He exclaims, running a hand through messy hair “I brought her out with me to hang- we have pretty much the same friend group! It wasn’t like I left her home alone for hours on end!”
“You do get a bit distracted sometimes” Colt informs, slipping an arm around his brother’s shoulders and pulling him in to lean against his side
“I knew something was wrong” The young man continues, resting his head on Colt’s shoulder as he waves a hand to gesture while talking “In our whole- relationship, thing. I thought- I thought moving in together would fix-” he makes another hapless gesture “Whatever it is that went wrong after the whole-” he pauses and furrows his brow, bringing his thumb up to nervously nibble at “Was it the sex thing? Was she still upset about that??” He mumbles, mostly to himself
“Sex thing?” Colt repeats, making a face “Do I even wanna know what that means?”
“Wha- oh. No i-it’s fine” Ryland dismisses, looking away and wrapping his arms around himself “It’s fine we- I got over it. I got over it. It’s nothing. We moved past…that. Whole. Incident…”
Colt feels a gaping pit open in his gut, something icy and sharp tingling down his spine as he registers his twin’s tone and uncomfortable body language.
“...Ryland-”
“Wh- No! God! No, no, nothing like that!” His brother quickly clarifies, face flushing as he waves his hands erratically upon seeing the look on Colt’s face “Nothing- She didn’t- It wasn’t-”
“Ry…”
“No no no she didn’t-” Ryland frantically shakes his head, fingers gripping his sweater a little tighter “She didn’t- It was my fault, I wanted to- I did- I did! I thought it would fix things between us and then I started crying like an idiot because I panicked and I couldn’t calm down and she spent like an hour trying to calm me down and I killed the whole mood for the night-”
“Okay, okay- breathe. Ryland, breathe” Colt soothes, grabbing the hands he hadn't seemed to realize were now digging into his hair and gently prying his fingers apart “Breathe.”
“I promise” His brother sobs “She didn’t do anything. It was my fault I couldn’t keep it together for something I asked for-”
“Okay. Okay.” Colt concedes, wrapping Ryland’s arms around himself and hugging him as the man starts crying anew into the crook of his neck. “We will properly discuss…that-” he makes a circular gesture with one hand and pats his sibling’s back with the other “At a later time when you’re a bit more emotionally stable”
Ryland sniffles and miserably nods, curling up closer to Colt and wrapping his arms a little tighter around his brother. They sit there for a while as Ryland gets this new wave of tears out of his system before finally pulling apart once more.
“God, I’m such a mess” Ryland groans, scrubbing a sleeve over his puffy eyes to dry them “Can’t even have sex with my girlfriend without having a panic attack. No wonder she dumped my ass”
“That’s a bit unfair” Colt huffs, fixing his hair for him again “You still loved her, didn’t you?”
Ryland merely shrugs.
“Yeah?” He weakly responds “I guess?”
“You guess??” Colt sputters “You dated for ten months!”
“Well, yeah but-“ Ryland hesitates, picking at his jeans a little “She- The night we broke up, she asked me something… weird.”
“Weird how?”
“She asked me if I was in love with her.”
“Oof, that’s…“ Colt winces “I mean, obviously-“
“I told her I loved her.” Ryland rushes out, ignoring Colt’s look of confusion “She wasn't too happy about that response but- I- that’s the same thing, right?”
“…um, no.” Colt blinks, startling a little at Ryland’s sudden, frantic look “I- It’s not, not really-“
“How?” His twin presses, something desperate in his gaze “I told her I loved her-“
“But you’re not in love with her” Colt gently corrects “That’s different”
“How?!” The young man cries, clawing at his own shirt and kneading his palm heels against his chest “I don’t- I did everything right!” He exclaims “I went on the d-dates, I remembered the anniversaries, I did the whole holding hands and kissing and called myself her boy- her boyfriend” He spits the word with surprising vitriol “Even though it didn't feel correct- I did everything right! I did, I did! I did everything right so why-“ He buries his face in his hands “Why wasn’t it enough? Why couldn’t I…” his breath hitches and he slumps against Colt again “Why can’t I fall in love like everyone else, Colt? It’s not fair” he whimpers, tears slowly starting to trickle down the bridge of his nose “It’s not fair. It’s not fair. Why is this easy for everyone else? Why can’t I just be fucking normal? Why’d I have to be built wrong?”
“Hey, don’t say that” Colt chides, tucking a stray strand of hair behind Ryland’s ear and wiping some tears from an eye “Don’t say that, Ry. You’re not built wrong”
“Easy for you to say” Ryland scoffs, leaning into the touch “Ladies man you are”
“Trust, I am not scoring anything at the moment” Colt snorts, still absently running his nails against the nape of his brother’s neck “And I mean it, about you not being built wrong. You love, Rylie. You love a lot and I mean like a lot. Anyone can see that.” He sighs, leaning his head against his twin’s “The time and effort you put into your friendships, all those studies you pull all-nighters for because you find them interesting, that fucking class pet that died in like 5th grade you organized a funeral for-“
“Oh my god, I completely forgot about Señor Fuzzy” Ryland giggles through a fit of hiccups
“I mean shit, man.” Colt barrels on “You put up with me! If that isn’t a form of undying love I don’t know what is!”
“I’m legally obligated to love you, you’re my brother” Ryland deadpans
“My point is- you care so much, about so many things” Colt huffs “More than anyone else I know. There's nothing “wrong” with that. You're not incapable of falling in love, dude. I've seen you do it so many times before throughout our whole lives. It just looks a little… Different.”
“Different?”
“Yeah” Colt nods, rubbing his sibling's shoulder “Just a bit different.”
“I don't want to be Different.” Ryland pouts “I want to fall in love with someone the regular way, to feel like how they describe it in all those songs and movies and books- with butterflies in my stomach or whatever. I want to be able to have sex without bursting into tears or feeling like clawing my skin off. I want to be Normal.”
“Maybe this is your normal” Colt shrugs “Besides, being in-love the traditional way is overrated” he dismisses “Makes you do stupid shit and act like a fucking idiot”
“Mmm, true. You do act dumb when you have a crush” His twin muses, wrinkling his nose a little “Is that really what it's like?”
“Yep.” He confirms, popping the ‘P’
“Ew.”
Colt softly laughs at his brother's genuine disgust, the two sitting there leaning against each other in contemplative silence until Ryland’s breathing evened out into something slow and steady.
“For what it's worth, I think you were in love with Linda” Colt tells Ryland, quiet and unbidden “In your own way”
“...Really?”
“Dude. You drove six hours to cry to your brother about a break-up.” He points out and Ryland snickers a little “You don't do that shit for people you don't care about. You loved her. That much is true”
“...she was one of my best friends” Ryland murmurs, letting out a heavy sigh and burying his face against Colt's shoulder, a shoulder he can feel rapidly growing warm and damp “We'd known each other for almost a year before we started dating and now-” he shudders and presses a little harder against his brother “All that time spent together- gone. Fuck the girlfriend part, I'm not getting my friend back after all this…”
“See?” Colt says, unable to fight down the small smile he feels tugging at his lips “You're capable of falling in love, of caring about other people, it's just a bit-”
“Different.” Ryland petulantly finishes “Right-”
“Hey, I'm fucking serious.” Colt insists, grabbing Ryland’s face to hold in his hands and look him in his identical eyes “There is nothing wrong with you, Ry. Nothing broken. Nothing that needs to be fixed. Your way of loving may be different, but that doesn't make it any less real. You still grieve, you still hurt, you still feel. You love me, you love our family, you love your friends and your classes and your books and shitty TV shows and- maybe you just love too hard in other departments that you ran out in the romance boyfriend-girlfriend department.” He suggests, tilting his head and frowning at his brother's wide-eyed stare “You ever think of that? Maybe that love is being put to better use, ‘s probably why you cry so much. You got too much love in ya”
Ryland just blinks owlishly in return before breaking out in a smile and laughing, leaning forward to press their foreheads together. The move makes Colt crack next, the two brothers soon collapsing in a fit of giggles on the bed side by side.
“Quit laughing” Colt faux-scolds between his laughter, reaching down to poke his brother's sides to make him squirm and shriek “You're supposed to be depressed right now, quit it”
“Stop! Stop!!” Ryland gasps between hiccuped giggles, swatting Colt's hands away from where they were tickling him “Mercy! Quit!” He shrieks, throwing himself over his brother and trapping him under his body weight
“Alright alright get off” Colt wheezes, quickly tapping out “Get off, you're suffocating me. And it is way past my bedtime right now”
“Nerd.” The young man snickers, rolling off and sitting up to stretch as Colt lets out an offended noise beside him “You go to bed before midnight? Cringe, dude”
“Fuck you! I got a five-thirty AM call time tomorrow!” Colt protests where he's still sprawled, flipping him off and getting a middle finger in return “So enjoy waking at four with me, fucker!”
“Your studio sucksssss” Ryland groans, kicking off his shoes and taking off his hoodie as Colt crawls up to the head of the bed and flops down on the pillows face first “Quit your job. Do something that doesn’t make you get up at the ass crack of dawn” he grumbles, tossing his jacket up by the spare pillow and crawling into bed, setting his glasses on the nightstand so he wouldn't accidentally roll over them in his sleep
“Mmph. Don't kick me in your sleep this time.”
“I don't kick, that's you!”
“Bitch, last time we slept in the same bed I ended up with your heel in my ribs” Colt reminds, picking up his head to glare at his brother gingerly wiggling under the sheets
“That was your knee in my spine” Ryland corrects with a huff as Colt also slips under the blankets “And I don't think we've shared a bed together like this since we were kids”
“Yeah we have” Colt yawns, too tired both physically and emotionally to push away Ryland’s hands tugging him closer to wrap around him in a hug “We slept in the same bed, wazzit- like last year? After-” The two of them tense a little, Colt letting out a soft sigh at the wave of grief he lets roll over him while his twin pulls him against his chest “After grandma's funeral”
“Was more of a couch” Ryland murmurs, running a hand through Colt's shaggy hair “And we technically had to share it with Uncle Holland”
“Ugh, he left cigarette ashes in my hair, I remember that. It's a miracle he didn't catch either of us on fire” Colt grumbles, pulling himself over Ryland’s chest and resting his head on his brother's ribs, hearing the steady thump of his heart pulse under fabric and flesh “...’m sorry, about that, by the way”
“About the ash??”
“No-” Colt scoffs and clicks his tongue, refusing to look up at his twin “About- about leaving you to deal with the funeral preparations by yourself”
“Oh.”
“It was shitty of me, man” He shamefully admits “I shouldn't- I should've- I'm sorry.” He repeats, small and quiet “I should've been there for you. For everyone. You didn't deserve to go through that by yourself, I should've shouldered my share.”
“Colt, you were nineteen-”
“So were you.” He softly argues, hearing his brother snap his mouth shut above him with a quiet click “I'm sorry. I just wanted to tell you that.”
“...’s'okay” Ryland hums, running a soothing hand through Colt's hair “We were both grieving, and you stepped up when I really needed you during the memorial service.”
“We've been to way too many fucking funerals, dude"
“Tell me about it” He chuckles, burying his face in Colt's still faintly damp hair that smelled of travel-sized shampoo and stale motel cigarette smoke “Goodnight, Coco”
“Fuck you” Colt snorts, wrapping himself tighter around his brother “Night, Lan”
“You're pushing it.”
Colt laughs to himself, quickly falling asleep under the steady rhythm of his brother’s fingers running over his scalp and the slow pattern of his chest rising and falling under his head with each breath.