Work Text:
“So those Suming bastards didn’t tell you the truth then?”
The dread in Niran’s stomach opened up like a pit, engulfing much more than the darkness surrounding them. But he couldn’t lose focus, he had to continue the ritual.
So he kept going, even as the desperation in Pete’s voice sharpened that dread. “What does he mean, Niran? I’m asking you what he means!”
It would be a lie to say he didn’t see this coming. The night before the ritual, he stood on the balcony unable to sleep with thoughts of everything that had to go right and all the things that could go wrong. Fei found him there, lost in his head.
“How are you feeling?” she asked him calmly. “Can you do it?”
“There’s no other option.” he answered point blank. “We’ve gone over the plan several times. Everything else is up to fate.”
“That’s not what I mean. It’s…well.” Her tone made Niran look up. Fei was rarely ever at a loss for words. “You understand what you have to do to complete the ritual. What it means? Not just for you, but for Pete.”
Niran stiffened all over. All at once, he understood what Fei was talking about. The thing that everyone knew except Pete and his friends, and that no one had dared to speak of out loud. The full truth of the ritual.
“Can you do it, Niran?” She leveled him with an intense gaze. “Be honest with me.”
Niran was silent for a long time. When he finally spoke, it was with the truth. “I have to.”
It was the only thing he could say that spoke to the two sides of himself pulling him apart, torn between his head and his heart.
There was half of him that was Wu. No matter how much he tried to deny that, ignore it, or push it away, that remained a fact. His purpose in this world was to maintain the balance between heaven and Earth. He was meant to purify the world of any uncleanliness and preserve the natural order. No matter how far he ran away, Grandpa’s spirit followed him, reminding him of one thing: this was his sacred duty.
But the other half remembered how Pete told him that he wanted to renovate the house to make it more welcoming, so that Ploy could come to see it as her home again. He wanted her to commute to school from there, for them to be a family again.
“My dad told me that it was my job to look out for her,” Pete told him one night as they were laying in bed. “A big brother is supposed to take care of his little sister. He said it so many times I used to roll my eyes.”
Niran heard the pain through the dry chuckle that escaped from his mouth. Without him saying anything, Niran could feel how deeply Pete wished he could hear his parents’ voices again. His hands twitched, fighting the impulse to get up and go to him. Every bit of distance between them felt like an ocean the longer they lived together.
“When she wakes up, I’ll do everything I can to make sure she knows that I’m here now.” Pete continued. “She can depend on me. She won’t have to worry about anything anymore, now that she has us.”
“Us?” Niran snapped to look at him, shocked.
“I mean, yeah.” He couldn’t make out Pete’s features in the dark, though he wanted so desperately to see his expression. “You’re the one who said it. I have you, don’t I?”
Niran’s heart thudded in his chest. He opened his mouth to say something else, but all that came out was the truth. “Yes, always.”
Pete let out a sigh, and Niran could tell he was smiling. “I can’t wait for you to meet her. She’ll like you.”
Half of Niran was Wu, but the other half was Pete’s. And he knew that if he weakened, rather than sealed Qi Rong, it would give the life spirits inside him the chance to escape. It would also mean that Qi Rong roam free, weakened but dangerous.
He had to seal him. But he had to save Pete too. And when Niran went to bed that night, he accepted that he truly didn’t know what he would do until the crossroads were laid directly at his feet.
He couldn’t lie and say that it didn’t feel satisfying watching the demon’s soul get pulled into its cage, successfully completing the ritual. For one brief second, Niran was filled with nothing but relief and pride. He’d done it. Despite what his grandfather thought, he pulled off what few other Wu could, and he did it without the help of the council. He used his power for good.
Then he heard Pete say, “Let go of me!” and everything rushed back in.
Pete was a storm advancing toward him. He grabbed him hard, and Niran let him. “Did you lie to me?”
When he said nothing, Pete held him by the collar of his shirt and said, “Tell me what Li Puo said wasn’t true. He was just messing with me, wasn’t he? He was lying, wasn’t he?”
Niran couldn’t look away from him, and he couldn’t speak. Another side effect of the soul bond was that he could sense the other’s emotions as if they were sharing one body. And because Niran was Wu, it was that much more amplified. So much so that Niran had to fight to keep standing at the force of Pete’s anguish, his devastation. Even worse than that was the feeling of how desperately he wanted to believe that it wasn’t true, that Niran would never hurt him. He was breaking down in front of Niran’s eyes, and there was nothing he could say.
Pete shook his head, still refusing to believe it. He shoved him back. “Answer me!”
Fei said something to try and placate him, but Niran couldn’t hear her. He only had eyes for Pete. And even as Pete shouted at her, he couldn’t tear his eyes away from Niran either.
“Why did you lie to me?” His voice was softer now. No anger, just pure hurt. “Did you lie to me?”
All at once, Niran heard himself telling Pete that he trusted people way too easily. And he remembered how Pete looked at him with those soft, open eyes that hid nothing from him and said, not just anyone. All Niran had ever known was his grandfather’s disappointed face, Sira’s condescending sneer, the back of the council turning away from him. No one had ever believed in him.
But Pete did. He put his life in Niran’s hands again and again, simply because he had faith that Niran would come through. He never doubted him. He didn’t regret being tied to him, even though someone like Pete deserved a much, much better fate. He believed in him. He trusted that Niran would never hurt him.
And now he was staring at him, looking at Niran like he had ripped his heart and crushed it under his foot. And Niran too felt like something was dying inside of him.
“What do you take me for?” Pete shouted, got in his face. Niran heard what he was really asking: what am I to you? How could you do this? How could you do this to me? Did I mean anything to you at all?
Niran couldn’t say a damn thing. He wanted to defend himself, explain what was going through his head, beg for forgiveness, do anything. But his throat closed up, because he couldn’t lie to Pete and say that he was wrong. That he hadn’t considered it, that it might be too late for him to turn back. He didn’t want to lie to him anymore.
So he didn’t speak, but simply looked at him. And Pete, who had always seen through him just as well, gasped softly. His face shattered like glass.
“Shit!” Pete unraveled, shoving him over and over again. “You bastard!”
Something hit the ground with a loud thud just as Niran went down, held up only by Pete’s hand clenched around the collar of shirt. Pete's face was wild with grief, and he raised a fist high in the air.
So this was how he lost him. A cruel ending, but Niran could only blame himself. How many times had this happened? In every life, he pushed Pete away when he should’ve been holding him close. He couldn’t speak for the other versions of him, but he couldn’t imagine that any of them were hurting as badly as he was right now. He would rather give himself over to Qi Rong to be devoured than to have Pete keep looking at him like he was right now.
Still, he had to accept the consequences. He made his decision, so he was no longer allowed to run away. Niran met Pete’s gaze head on, and prepared himself to see what it looked like when Pete hated him. That was what he expected, bitter, violent hatred. Anger too. Pete’s anger ran wild and free and usually dominated him, so he braced for it to swallow him whole. But when Niran looked into Pete’s eyes, his heart stopped.
Pete was crying. He was shaking, each breath rattling through him harder than the last. His fist was frozen in the air. Niran waited for the hit to land and snap the delicate connection between them that was always bound to break, but it never came. Pete’s arm trembled, fist clenched so tight he could see his veins. He couldn’t do it. Pete couldn’t hit him.
Niran looked into his eyes and saw none of the hatred he was waiting for. It blew through him like a bullet, the pure love that radiated from Pete, and the heartbreak that was amplified because of it. Despite what Niran did, what Niran was doing to him, he couldn’t hurt him. Niran had done the worst, and Pete still couldn’t bear to cause him any pain. He shoved Niran away from him as if he was the one who’d been hit, then sank to his knees. Each sob that escaped from Pete’s mouth echoed in Niran’s ears, louder and louder until the only thing that could drown it out was the sound of his own heart racing.
Niran was raised to become Wu, and Wu understood that saving the lives of the many might require sacrificing the lives of a few. They were neither angels nor heroes, his grandfather told him time and time again. They restored nature to its rightful balance, and sometimes death was as essential to this as life.
But Pete was crying. And maybe he might never truly be Wu, but he was definitely Pete’s.
His body turned before his mind could catch up, using all the power he and every life before him had to smash the vessel containing Qi Rong. White spirits flew away with the red, escaping back to where they belong. But with them, Qi Rong flew free just the same.
“Hey!” Jia Hao stared at him like he was seeing him for the first time, like he couldn’t recognize him.
“What the hell did you do, Niran?” Fei shouted at him.
Niran didn’t look at either of them. He didn’t look at anyone, even as he felt Pete’s eyes hot on his face. Without another word, he walked from everyone, clutching his wrist to his chest. Pain radiating all throughout his arm, but Niran didn’t regret it. A small penance for Pete’s tears.
There was nothing to explain. With that, his choice was made.
***
“Get yourself together and think about what you did.”
He had never seen Fei look so disappointed. Her hands clenched the arms of her chair tightly, and she glared at him as if she were sitting in front of a bug. Niran couldn’t look at her. The weight of her disapproval was too much to bear.
“We can probably find another chance to seal it.” he said.
But she immediately shot back, “Really? You think Li Puo won’t do anything before that?”
Niran fell silent.
“I asked you.” Fei said quietly. “I asked you if you could do this, and you lied to me. You lied to all of us.”
Then she snorted softly. “Well, except him.”
Niran kept his eyes on the table, so he couldn’t see the pity in Fei’s eyes. “Niran, I know you love him—”
“Jiejie, don’t.” He closed his eyes. “Please.”
She was quiet for a moment. Then, “There is a demon inside of him. You have to prepare yourself for all outcomes. Even if it hurts.”
Fei stood up without waiting for a response. The last thing she said to him was, “You cannot let the world burn for him. I won’t let you.”
Niran didn’t know how long he sat there after that. He didn’t remember getting up and leaving, and he walked down the road without a clear path in mind. He thought he was used to being alone, but right now Niran felt truly lost, like he could fade into nothing and no one would notice. All he knew was that he wanted to go home. But home was now only one place, one person, and it was the one place he couldn’t be.
Niran hadn’t talked to Pete since the ritual. He didn’t go back to Pete’s (their) house and he didn’t reach out to him. Niran had no idea how Pete was feeling, if he was still upset. There was a high likelihood that Pete might never want to see him again, and he’d have to live with that. If that was what he wanted, Niran would respect it.
He was trying his damndest not to even think about him, but that was impossible. His wrist still throbbed from the force with which he destroyed the vessel. In his dreams, he saw Pete’s teary eyes, imagined himself repenting for his sins in a million different ways. But every time, Pete turned his back on him no matter what.
Niran was so tired. Even walking like he was right now exhausted him. He would do anything to be able to sleep on Pete’s bedroom floor, watching the moonlight cut across his perfect face and his chest rise and fall. He wanted to drink beer with him and listen to Pete babble on and on about random things, pretending to be annoyed but secretly soaking in the sound of his voice. He wanted to feel Pete’s hand on his chest, the other on his forehead, pledging to take on the evil spirits clinging onto him when all Niran needed was for Pete to just stand there, close by, always within his reach.
Niran felt a warmth surrounding his wrist, and looked down to see the soul bond wrapped around it. He sighed. The one thing he wanted to avoid doing, and once again he failed. When he looked up, he expected to see the string stretched out into the distance, as far away from him as it could get. But instead his whole body stiffened as the line was short and getting shorter, because Pete was right there, standing in front of him.
Neither of them spoke for a long moment. Even as his heart soared, Niran couldn’t look at him. He was terrified to see the look in Pete’s eyes, if it had changed from how he used to look at him before.
“How’s your sister?” Niran managed to get out.
“The doctor said she’ll be able to go home tomorrow.” Pete replied after a pause.
He nodded. “That’s good.”
Silence fell over them once again. Everything Niran wanted to say stuck to his throat, he couldn’t get it out. He should leave Pete alone, but it was impossible for him to walk away. Even if they didn’t speak, he felt more like himself just standing near him.
Just as Niran was about to gather up the nerve to leave, Pete let out a loud sigh. In the next second, he was rushing forward to throw his arms around Niran and hold him close. Niran didn’t move an inch, but Pete held him tighter all the same.
“Finally,” Pete whispered against the side of his neck. “I found you.”
Niran’s breath caught. That made it sound like Pete was the one thinking about him, seeking him out, and not Niran who had bothered him by tugging on their soul bond.
“I know you might be blaming yourself for the plan falling through and thinking that you’ve let everyone down, but thank you.” Pete clutched him so tightly he could hardly breathe. “Thank you for saving my sister.”
Niran sighed. “You don’t have to thank me.”
“I do!” Pete insisted. “From now on, whatever you need, I’ll do. Even if I have to die for you, I’ll do it. Trust me, Niran. You can really trust me.”
Pete’s body fit so naturally against his own, like two halves coming together. And Niran felt his resolve weakening, overpowered by the desire to sink into him. He’d spent days wishing for one thing, and now it was right here in his arms. All he needed was one second.
Slowly, he raised his arms. In the next breath, he wrapped them around Pete, so careful not to scare him with the intensity of how much he missed him. But he inhaled sharply when the force of Pete’s devotion swept through him, just as Pete gasped softly and buried his face against his shoulder.
“Can I ask you something?” Pete mumbled, so softly Niran would’ve missed it if he wasn’t attuned to every single thing that came out of his mouth.
When Niran nodded, he continued, “Why did you do it?”
Niran knew what he was asking. Why did he ruin the plan, let Qi Rong go? Why did he lie to everyone? What Niran didn’t understand was how Pete could ask him that.
“You know why, don’t you?” Niran answered. “You have to know.”
But with Pete’s silence, it dawned on Niran for the first time that maybe Pete didn’t. From the moment Niran saw him, he knew that Pete and him were destined to be intertwined with each other. He tried to fight it, but each time something would happen to draw them closer and closer, until he had to enshrine their bond for good. And by now, he’d accepted that his life would forever revolve around Pete.
But for Pete, Niran just swept into his life one day and continued wreaking havoc. And even so, Pete held on for the ride. He had no idea what they were to each other and he still believed in Niran, trusted him, followed him wherever he went and never pushed him away.
So he pulled back a little and said, “Pete, I…”
His voice trailed off. He looked up and into Pete’s eyes for what felt like the first time in forever. They were large and doe-like, hiding nothing of everything he was feeling, a mirror image of the same things coursing through Niran. And all of a sudden, words seem inadequate. They could never cover the totality of his feelings for Pete.
His gaze flicked downwards to Pete’s lips, then back up. Pete, on the other hand, kept his eyes trained on Niran’s mouth. Niran leaned in, just as Pete’s eyes slid close.
They were mere inches away from each other, close enough to feel each other’s breath, when a cold feeling spread through Niran down to his bones. Something wasn’t right.
“What’s wrong?” Pete murmured, now looking at him with concern.
Oh. Niran realized, but only once it was too late to speak. He should’ve known it would be like this. Right as his life spirit was cut, he kept his gaze trained on Pete and Pete alone, even as his body crumpled and he felt himself being dragged far, far away. He wanted Pete to be the last sight he saw.
Niran could only blame himself. He knew firsthand how cruel fate could be. In every single other timeline, Niran had been the one to lose Pete.
This time, Pete would lose him.