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I was distracted and in traffic
I didn't feel it when the earthquake happened
But it really got me thinkin', were you out drinkin'?
Were you in the living room, chillin', watchin' television?
Alhaitham sat in his car, the sound of the rain insistently tapping against his windshield, almost a disconcerting melody. His hands rested loosely on top of the steering wheel. His gaze was fixated on his phone screen, which lit up with a message from one of his friends.
His gaze lingered on the lock screen. Kaveh. He hadn’t been able to change it yet, despite all. His thoughts drifted, wondering if Kaveh would be at the bar right now. Was he overindulging as usual? His hands gripped the wheel as he imagined his co-workers all over him, taking advantage of his kindness. He just knew the man was relishing in it as well, he always did want to be liked.
It's been a year now, think I've figured out how
How to let you go and let communication die out
Soon the phone screen turned black, as Alhaitham made no move to interact with the device or respond. The rain only seemed to come down harder as that day came crashing back. What started off as a simple argument, only to end what he knew couldn’t be forever.
– 1 Year Ago –
The door slammed shut with a heavy finality. Alhaitham stood by the couch, his arms crossed, expression blank. Kaveh had left. Not in a normal rage, no. He left without a word, just the door slamming shut behind him. He never knew what he was doing wrong. He was honest, straightforward, and told it how it was. He’d always been that way, so why was he reacting like this now? It felt like they’d suddenly reverted to the days they were roommates, before they understood each other, before feelings blossomed.
Alhaitham had come home after work, surprised to hear Kaveh digging around their bedroom. He walked in with a slight frown, seeing the mess of the room. Kaveh wasn’t usually home before him, so this was already unusual.
“I hope you’re going to clean that up.” He stated matter-of-factly, his voice the same tone it always was. Kaveh seemed to freeze his digging for a moment as he slowly turned towards Alhaitham. The tips of his ears were red with anger and the intensity in his eyes made him pause for a moment.
“Do you really have to start now? You just got home, I’m clearly busy but the first thing you say is ‘i hope you’re going to clean that up’? You are unbelievable.” Alhaitham was stunned into silence momentarily before his own instincts flared to fight back.
“I was just stating a fact. You always harp on me about not cleaning up after myself, so why can’t I bring it up once? I just got home from work, I’m too tired to deal with this.” He turned around, removing himself from the situation. Usually in moments like this Kaveh would storm after him and they’d argue more, but he was left with silence.
Silence.
That was even worse than Kaveh fighting back. In all his years of knowing Kaveh, he only went truly silent when something was affecting him greatly. But being the dumbass he is, Alhaitham chose to separate, assuming Kaveh would come later and they could discuss things.
The next few hours felt like a blur. Kaveh kept his incessant digging and rummaging while Alhaitham just lounged on the couch reading. He watched Kaveh trudge through the rooms to grab various things throughout the house and take them back into their bedroom.
It was only after he noticed Kaveh grabbing more personal items that he deduced something was really wrong. Closing his book with a little more force than necessary, he set it on the table before walking into their bedroom, seeing that Kaveh was silently packing his belongings.
A frown immediately forming upon his lips, he walked over to Kaveh, his hands hovering around him. “What’s going on? What are you doing?” Kaveh didn’t say a word, he just kept packing. Finally catching a glimpse of his face, Alhaitham saw that he’d been crying. He still had unshed tears in his eyes and his face was puffy from crying for who knows how long.
Alhaitham froze up, he never was good at dealing with sad or crying people. He gently grabbed Kaveh’s wrist, causing the man to freeze again, allowing himself to be turned towards him. Althaiham’s hands gently held his waist, his thumb rubbing soothing circles.
“Shhh, what’s wrong, love? Did I do something?” His voice was uncharacteristically soft, regarded only for Kaveh’s ears. Kaveh let out a shaky breath, his body trembling beneath Alhaitham’s touch. “It’s okay baby, I got you. I’m sorry if I did something that upset you.” His words soft but unknowingly falling on deaf ears.
Kaveh didn’t say anything as he slowly extricated himself from Alhaitham’s arms. He just shook his head, more tears spilling from his eyes. The room was silent except for the light sniffles from Kaveh and the rapidly increasing breathing from Alhaitham. What was happening? This wasn’t real was it?
Alhaitham didn’t move for at least 10 minutes while Kaveh finished packing his essentials. He turned to look at Alhaitham once again, averting eye contact as he dropped his key set onto the bed with a finality. This was happening, and Alhaitham had no understanding about what happened or how to fix it.
He followed Kaveh to the living room as he opened the door, taking a deep breath, and turning heel to leave. The home was blanketed in silence until the door clicked shut, leaving one half of a broken man inside.
—
I know, you know, we know you weren't
Down for forever and it's fine
I know, you know, we know we weren't
Meant for each other and it's fine
Afterwards Alhaitham would try to contact him anyway he could- he would text, call, ultimately leaving voice mails. He tried talking to their mutual friends, none of whom would tell him anything. He even sought out Tighnari, who he knew was close with the young architect. But Tighnari just shook his head, refusing to talk.
Their friendship was never the same. He couldn’t look at the other without knowing he’s withholding information from him. After that Alhaitham slowly distanced himself from their friend group. He spent time with them usually to appease Kaveh after all.
He spent a lot of time reliving those last few weeks of their relationship. He didn’t know what happened, and it was tearing him apart. He knew they had different ambitions and they clashed more often than not, but he was okay with that. He was content, happy. He didn’t dwell on the fact that they were meant to go their separate ways at some point.
But if the world was ending, you'd come over, right?
You'd come over and you'd stay the night
Would you love me for the hell of it?
All our fears would be irrelevant
But as the rain beat down on his car, the sound of thunder in the distance, he closed his eyes. He thinks of those late nights holding each other whilst watching the storms scatter across the sky. He remembers the soft whispers of Kaveh sharing his fears and worries.
If the world was ending, you'd come over, right?
The sky'd be falling and I'd hold you tight
And there wouldn't be a reason why
We would even have to say goodbye
If the world was ending, you'd come over, right? Right?
If the world was ending, you'd come over, right? Right?
A noise escaped his throat as he leaned forward, his head resting on the steering wheel. He missed him. He loved him. He desperately wanted to see him again. He wanted Kaveh to be there with him, to hold his hand.
The soft notes of the music hitting him harder than he ever thought music could.
—
I tried to imagine your reaction
It didn't scare me when the earthquake happened
But it really got me thinkin', the night we went drinkin'
Stumbled in the house and didn't make it past the kitchen
Ah, it's been a year now, think I've figured out how
How to think about you without it rippin' my heart out
That night the bar was bustling, live music being played and the distinct murmur of everyone’s conversations. Kaveh sat at a table surrounded by his friends. Tighnari was close as always, with Cyno nearby attempting to crack his stupid jokes.
The sound of the thunder shocked Kaveh out of his stupor. He had a half-empty drink in his hand, just observing his friends at the table. The space next to him was empty, as it had been for the past year. He tried not to think about it, but sometimes there was no stopping the memories, especially when he’d been drinking.
Tighnari looked over, placing his hand on his shoulder, noticing the glazed look in his eyes. His heart hurt for his friend. He knew the decision to leave didn’t come easy and even now he still struggled with it privately. Usually when he had that look in his eyes he was reminiscing about the past.
—
The car was quiet on the way home. Two men silently sitting in the back of a taxi, waiting to make it home. Alhaitham’s hand played with Kaveh’s, a rare sign of affection, usually when he was drunk. The alcohol was coursing through their veins, only thinking about what was going to happen when they got home.
They were still just roommates at this point. Haitham always joined Kaveh when they went out for drinks, playing the ‘concerned roommate’ and saying something rude about not wanting to deal with him trying to get home. Kaveh knew that was him showing that he cared, but it still pissed him off most of the time.
He sat in the moment, music playing from the driver while the sounds of the city echoed outside the window. It was fairly early in the night still, so there were groups of people hanging around outside, hailing taxis or on their way to the next bar.
Time seemed to stretch by until the driver notified them that they were at their destination. Kaveh crawled out of the car while Alhaitham seemingly paid and thanked the driver, with the poise of a man trying not to show just how drunk he was.
They stumbled to the front door, Alhaitham taking point and fumbling through the motions of unlocking the door. As soon as the door clicked, the tension between them spiked. The small flirtations and touching slowly escalated over the past few months. The two tiptoeing around these feelings for each other.
Tonight was the breaking point.
Kaveh tried to extricate himself, feeling nervous for some reason. He stumbled to the kitchen, feeling Haitham’s heavy gaze lingering on him. His heart was hammering against his chest as he went to open the cupboard.
Without warning he felt a warm body sidle up behind him. He felt Haitham’s big hands grab his waist gently, a much gentler touch than he was expecting. He slowly turned around, eyes wide, cheeks flushed as he looked up at the man he’d been harboring secret feelings for.
Without preamble, Alhaitham leaned closer, their foreheads touching. It would be so easy to kiss him like this… Kaveh’s eyes fluttered closed and then he felt the warmth of the other man’s lips against his own. Without meaning to, a moan escaped his throat.
Seeming to set the other off, Kaveh’s body was soon flush against his roommate’s. He could feel the hard lines of his body, seeing that Alhaitham never really tried to hide his physique. The kiss intensified as his tongue prodded against his closed lips.
Kaveh opened his mouth pliantly, allowing Haitham to take, take, and take. Their lips clashed as wet sounds filled the room. Kaveh had to pull away briefly in order to breath, a spit trail evident as they separated. Kaveh’s face was flushed red, while Alhaitham’s eyes were blown, the only evidence of his drunkenness in the red of his ears.
They sat there for a moment, just breathing heavily while still wrapped up in each other. Haitham’s voice was husky when he spoke, “I’ve been wanting to do that for so long. You have no idea.” The words sent a jolt of pleasure through Kaveh, his spine tingling.
“Is that all you’ve wanted to do?” Kaveh’s voice was trembling, but a hint of mischievousness came through. Alhaitham narrowed his eyes as he grabbed Kaveh’s thighs, hoisting him on top of the counter. Were they really about to do this right here?
—
Kaveh was snapped out of his reverie when his phone buzzed. He looked down at it, it was face-up on the table and bit his lip. It was a simple text from Tighnari, which he got occasionally. The photo on his lockscreen giving him away. He wasn’t really over him either.
It brought him the cruelest joy to know that Alhaitham was still asking about him, still trying to find him. ‘He could find me if he really wanted to.’ The thought came unbidden, leaving a bitter taste in his mouth.
He sighed, picking up his glass and sipping it again, tuning back into the conversation at the table.
And I know, you know, we know you weren't
Down for forever and it's fine
I know, you know, we know we weren't
Meant for each other and it's fine
It was inevitable really. Their relationship had its ups and downs, as was natural. They came from a tense relationship of being roommates who argued nonstop. When they made things official after that drunken night, they were open and honest.
Alhaitham told him that he wasn’t going to suddenly be a different person. He was still prone to make mistakes and to treat him as they always had. But he promised that he wouldn’t lie to him and if he made a mistake he would listen and fix it.
Things weren’t perfect but they were happy.
But Kaveh knew ‘happy’ didn’t last forever. They were two different people with very different ambitions. Kaveh was drowning in architect work while Haitham was working deep into the night for his Scholar duties. Things were getting busy and they barely had time together.
He remembers coming from a particularly bad day because he lost an important item, so he was tearing their apartment apart to find it. He had cracked, his face was stained with tears and he was so stressed that he was actually afraid it’d impact his health.
He heard the door creak open, signaling Alhaitham was home. He took a deep breath and continued digging. He didn’t have the mental capacity to greet him at this time. He was already fraying at the edges, barely constrained anger about his stupid life leaking at the edges.
To make it all worse, he comes in the room and has the audacity and deadpan comment about the state of the room. It’d been awhile since they truly argued and deep down Kaveh knew he wasn’t trying to be rude, he was just stating fact, but he couldn’t take it.
Kaveh lashed out at his roommate, causing an argument to start. It was the moment Alhaitham responded that Kaveh knew it wouldn’t work. He knew that they could never be end game. They were never going to be ‘forever’ no matter how much Kaveh wanted it.
He just stared at Alhaitham, his face betraying his emotions as he turned back around, starting now to grab his personal effects. The other man just sighed and left the room, assuming they’d fix it later. But at this point, Kaveh had already ended things in his mind. There was no turning back.
After a few hours it seemed that Alhaitham finally realized something was wrong. He pulled Kaveh in, his voice low and soft as he whispered to him, promising things were okay and trying to find out what was wrong. It just made this whole thing so much harder. They wouldn’t work out. They were too different, no matter how much Kaveh truly loved him…
In his mind it was better to split now and work through the heartache than to keep prolonging such a relationship that was doomed to end.
Kaveh finished packing up, watching Alhaitham disconnect as he realized that he couldn’t fix this. It hurt more knowing that this was so sudden and that he didn’t even know what happened, or if it was something he did.
Feeling the pressure prick behind his eyes, he knew that a tear fest was on its way. He stood up abruptly, causing his friends to look over to him in alarm. They all knew he was struggling still, that he didn’t know how to move on, so they walked on eggshells around him.
“Sorry guys, I’m… not feeling it tonight. I’ll head out. See you later.” His voice was strained and he said his goodbyes and quickly left. He barely had anything to drink so he climbed into his car, listening to the rain pound against his windshield.
He started his car and took off into the night.
But if the world was ending, you'd come over, right?
You'd come over and you'd stay the night
Would you love me for the hell of it?
All our fears would be irrelevant
If the world was ending, you'd come over, right?
The sky'd be falling while I hold you tight
No, there wouldn't be a reason why
We would even have to say goodbye
If the world was ending, you'd come over, right?
You'd come over, you'd come over, you'd come over, right?
Hours later and Alhaitham finally got the will to go home. He was about to pull out of the parking lot when Tighnari texted him.
Alhaitham stared at the message for a few minutes before he pulled out, speeding down the street. It was not safe nor sane driving. Alhaitham was known for his level head, but when it came down to Kaveh, he tended to lose that sense. He couldn’t let this go on.
His heart was hammering against his chest and his hands were shaking as he pulled into the parking lot, seeing Kaveh’s familiar car already parked in the driveway. He tried to pull himself together as he opened his car door.
He stood outside his apartment, hearing the distant sounds of the city blocked out by the small humming he heard from inside. He could fall to his knees, the sound of Kaveh’s voice after 12 months of nothing was enough to take him out.
Who knows how long he was standing there before he finally got the nerve to knock. He heard the sounds inside stop before grumbling approached the door. The door swung open and a very disgruntled Kaveh, eyes red from crying, dark eyebags from lack of sleep, almost shouted, “Do you even KNOW what time it is?! Could this not-”
Kaveh’s voice cut off as he realized who was standing in front of him. His own heart started hammering against his chest, eyes darting to take in the appearance of the man he truly, deeply loved. He was soaked with rain and he looked just as affected as he was.
How long was he standing out there before he finally knocked? The moment he saw Kaveh, Alhaitham fell to his knees, his face covered by his hair. Kaveh didn’t know what to do. He’d never seen the usually so put together man like this. Even when things were crashing around them, he never seemed ruffled.
Hesitantly, he crouched down next to him. Before he could say anything, Alhaitham’s hand shot out, holding his wrist gently. His hand was freezing and he was trembling. There was no strength behind the grab. Kaveh could pull away with no effort, he could slam the door in his face and truly end this.
But… he couldn’t. His red eyes met with Haitham’s teal ones, with that familiar ring of orange. He’d always loved staring into his eyes when they were together… Alhaitham was crying. Kaveh watched the moment the tears escaped and slid down his cheek.
“Please. I’m… I’m sorry Kaveh. I don’t know what happened but… I need you. I-I love you so damn much. Can we talk this out? I know I’m-” He was cut off by Kaveh’s finger brushing the tear away on his cheek. He looked up at the beautiful blonde in front of him.
Kaveh didn’t say anything, but he had started crying at some point as well. He slowly stood up, extending his hand to help Alhaitham up. He tried to give him a smile, but it faltered as he pulled him into the apartment.
“We have a lot to talk about…”
FIN