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Chloe loved Beca, she really did. She loved the way that Beca’s nose crinkled when she was really concentrating on something. She loved the way that she had to have at least two cups of coffee in the morning before doing anything more than grunt. She loved that she seemed to be the only person in the world that could ever make Beca truly laugh, in a way that made her double over and wheeze.
But what Chloe didn’t love was Beca’s propensity to run. When they had a fight, or when Beca was feeling vulnerable, she didn’t communicate how she was feeling, or what the problem was, she just left. Sometimes it was for hours at a time, a couple of times a day or two, once for a whole week to her mom’s after a particularly bad argument. It infuriated her no end, and while she understood that it came from, that Beca didn’t exactly have a great reference point for healthy and stable relationships, it didn’t make it any less frustrating.
It would be different, she thought, if Beca was the one who came back, who reached out and apologised first, who set things right first, but it seemed to always be Chloe that was doing the reaching out first, making sure Beca knew that everything was okay, and to come back home so that they could talk. They’d had several conversations about it, about Beca talking rather than running away when things got hard, but it never seemed to stick.
Still, their arguments were few and far between, all things considered, this was the only major issue of their relationship. Chloe thought it was something she could learn to live with, that Beca would eventually grow out of it the longer they were together, but nearly a year had passed, and Beca was still dipping whenever things got hard or remotely tense, and she was starting to get really sick of it.
“Look, all I’m saying is that I’d appreciate it if you could at least text me if you have to stay at the office late, that way I can cancel the reservation before they charge a fee.”
Chloe was at the kitchen island, plating up some of the takeout that she’d rewarmed for Beca, her girlfriend having to stay at her internship later than they’d planned. Beca was stood near the door, looking squirrely, tugging at the sleeves of her blazer.
“I’m sorry.” She mumbled, looking at the floor, “I didn’t realise what time it was until it was like ten pm, sometimes I just get so sucked in to a project… I can pay you back.”
“It’s not the money Becs.” Chloe sighed softly, opening the draw to grab some cutlery, “I worry about you when it’s late and I haven’t heard from you.”
“I didn’t do it on purpose…”
“I know!” Chloe hadn’t made to raise her voice, but she’d had a long day and a paper that hadn’t gone her way, she was just too tired to do this whole routine tonight, “I know Beca. Sometimes I just feel like you forget I exist when you get into a project, and that hurts a little.”
“That’s not it.” Beca shook her head furiously, “I promise, Chloe, you’re the most important thing in my life, I–”
Beca ran her hands into her hair, swallowing thickly, “I’m screwing up, okay? I’ve got this internship and my classes and this stupid Worlds thing and you, and it’s all just a lot to balance! I’m sorry that I keep dropping the ball with you, that you get the short end of the stick with me all the time, it sucks. Maybe… maybe I’ll go to my mom’s this weekend, give you some space and just… just get out of your way because I’m just making things stressful and–”
“No.” Chloe snapped, slamming the cutlery down on the table next to Beca’s plate, her jaw clenched tightly, “No, not again. I’m not doing this again Beca.”
“What?” Beca looked startled, tears springing into her eyes, “Doing what? Are… are you breaking up with me?”
“No.” Chloe sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose, “No I’m not… that’s not what I want Becs. What I want is for you to stop running away every time we have a fight. I’m so sick of chasing you around all the time and making sure that I tiptoe around how I’m feeling in case it scares you off.”
She looked up at Beca, her expression sad and tense, “I love you. More than anything in the whole world. But this running thing you do drives me crazy. I don’t want a partner that dips every time things get even a little hard, how are we going to build a life like that?”
“Chloe I–”
“If you need a time out, then say that, there’s nothing wrong with that Beca, with getting overwhelmed sometimes especially when life is getting stressful outside of us. But tell me that, don’t just run away!”
Beca just stared at her for a moment, her mouth slightly agape, tears slipping down her cheeks. Chloe was starting to feel guilty, hating the fact that she was making Beca cry, it was the worst feeling in the world, but she knew that she had to put her foot down now, before it really solidified into something Beca couldn’t change no matter how hard she tried.
“I just want us to talk, that’s all.” Chloe puffed out her cheeks, gripping the edge of the kitchen island, “So, this is it Becs. You want to run again, then go, but I’m not chasing after you this time. Come back, don’t come back, it’s your choice. But I’m tired of doing all the chasing.”
With that, Chloe sniffed and headed upstairs. She was far too tired and too annoyed to stand around and see what Beca was going to do. Setting an ultimatum made Chloe sick to her stomach, she couldn’t think of anything she wanted to do less in her relationship, but given that she’d tried everything else, tried just communicating with Beca over it, she was at a loss of what else to do.
She reached her room, throwing herself down onto the bed, sighing heavily as tears started to run down her cheeks. She hated this, she hated fighting with Beca, and honestly, she felt like a huge hypocrite for going upstairs after dropping a bombshell like that. But Chloe was exhausted, down to her bones exhausted from her own workload and Worlds prep, and before she knew it, she had drifted off to sleep with her tears still flowing.
Chloe woke to the feeling of fingers in her hair, taking a few moments to stir and register the person lay next to her, but when her tired eyes finally focused, she found Beca smiling softly at her, nose a little red, but she was here.
“Hey…” Chloe couldn’t help the grin that broke out across her lips, “You’re here.”
“Mhm.” Beca nodded, her fingers still continuing their steady rhythm against Chloe’s scalp, “Been here a while, you were snoring and everything.”
“Sorry.” Chloe giggled, “Guess I was tired than I realised… how long was I asleep?”
“Three, maybe four hours?” Beca shrugged a little, “I just wanted to let you rest; it’s been a really long week for both of us.”
Chloe moved closer to Beca until she rested her forehead against hers, a hand resting on Beca’s hip, “Have you been here the whole time?”
“Pretty much.” Beca shrugged, “Had a small panic attack and a shame cigarette first, dipped out for five minutes to get something to eat about an hour ago, didn’t want my stomach to wake you.”
Chloe giggled again, pressing a soft kiss to Beca’s cheek, “Thank you.”
“For not waking you with my stomach?”
“For not running.” Chloe could feel her eyes welling again, “It means a lot Becs.”
They were silent for a few moments except for Beca’s soft sigh, just taking a beat to exist next to each other. Beca’s fingers had stopped their rhythm but remained in Chloe’s hair, while Chloe’s hand had slid higher to nestle onto her ribs.
“I don’t want to anymore.” Beca mumbled, “Run that is. It’s just… I don’t know, it’s like a switch in my brain and I get this wild animal reflex. I’m sorry Chloe.”
“It’s okay.” Chloe smiled softly, “I get it. I know it’s not something you do because you’re trying to hurt me. But you took a huge step today. You stayed.”
“Yeah.” Beca grinned a little, “Yeah, I guess I did. I don’t want to go anywhere Chloe, okay? You’re the only person that’s ever made me feel safe, but I’m so used to having to pick up and be on my own again that I’m struggling to switch that off. I’m going to try like hell though. I don’t want to lose you.”
“You won’t.” Chloe shook her head, taking Beca’s hand in hers and pressing it against her chest, over her heart, “As long as you keep talking to me, as long as you don’t shut down and run off, we can work through anything at all.”
“I will. I promise. Even if talking isn’t really my strong suit.”