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Kaoru really doodled that sun without thinking anything about it. It was shortly after Joe had floated the idea of not going to college but instead travelling to Europe of all places to study culinary skills in restaurants. What was so great about Europe anyway. Sure, French and Italian cuisine were known the world over and Joe loved making pastas and pastries but Okinawa was just as good, Kaoru was sure. And it wasn’t that like Kaoru wasn’t glad to be rid of Kojiro for a little bit, he absolutely was. That gorilla had clung to him for years with no end in sight and Kaoru was glad that he was finally learning a little independence really. It was just that Kaoru also knew that Kojiro was stupid and he might not have thought through leaving Kaoru - who by his own good graces had always taken care of Kojiro - behind for a little bit.
So they were passing notes to each other, really chucking them at each other’s heads, back in forth in class and Kojiro wrote: “What’s so great that I should stay?” And Kaoru wanted to write back “Me!” because that was true but that would seem desperate and needy and Kaoru was none of those things because again really he was glad to have some space from him. Really. Hundreds of miles. Thousands of miles. Perfect. Great. Exactly what he wanted. So while he was thinking of what else to put down, he doodled that little sun. Because Kojiro did love the sun and Okinawa was great for it, but even he knew there had to be more.
When by the end of class the only thing he was looking down on was sun with black inked in rays, he knew he was fucked. Kojiro of course didn’t give an inch. He leaned over him and saw the note and unceremoniously snatched it right out from under Kaoru’s hand. He looked at it with that big, stupid grin that he always said wasn’t stupid, but it obviously was because it made Kaoru’s heart stutter and made his mind go blank for a second. It made him stupid and that made it stupid. But all the same he grinned, folded it half and pocketed it.
“Hey,” Kaoru protested as he followed Kojiro out of the classroom, “I wasn’t done with that.”
“Nah, you made your point,” Kojiro said breezily. “So I’ll definitely come back after my apprenticeships are done.”
“As if I care,” Kaoru said as he stuck his nose up in the air. He wondered if it sounded even a little convincing.
***
Kaoru went with Kojiro to the airport when he left. He stood there at the edge of the security line with his arms crossed. Pouting. He was really trying not to pout and if Kojiro brought it up he would have said he wasn’t but he knew he was. Luckily, Kojiro didn’t bring it up. Instead he just laughed, a little bitterly. “You picked a bad time to show you actually care, Kao.”
“I don’t,” Kaoru sulked. “It’s not about you. It’s cold in here is all. It’s putting me in a bad mood so leave already so I can leave.”
Kojiro sighed as he shrugged out of his hoodie. He wrapped it around Kaoru’s shoulders. “Can we stay a minute longer now?”
Kaoru’s heart was in his throat so he didn’t manage to actually say anything before Kojiro pulled him into his arms. Held him tight and protectively. Until Kaory sputtered, “You’re going to crush me, oaf.” Even as he looped his arms under Kojiro’s and held onto his back.
It was several minutes before Kojiro actually pulled away. “I’ll text you.”
Kaoru stood and watched as he made his way through the security line. As he walked up the stairs towards the gates. Stood there even after he was no longer in view. Let the weight of the absence sink in before he finally turned around, went back to his car, pulled the hoodie collar up to his nose to smell and then sobbed.
***
Kojiro kept in such close contact, it was impossible to feel like he went anywhere at all. Kaoru would read his texts from the night before when he woke up. It was usually pictures. Food accompanied with words that read more like notes than texts to Kaoru “a little bland, could use more garlic, mine will be better.” Gym selfies. Hell he was getting ripped there and tanned. He would always look a touch too smug in those pictures too and it was enraging to Kaoru that no one was there to take him down a peg and more enraging when he caught people looking at Kojiro in the background. Pictures from the beach. Pictures of drinks he was having with co-workers with words like, “This one looked cute, but had a punch of pucker. Sour as hell. Reminded me of you.” Kaoru would scoff and pretend he wasn’t happy Kojiro thought of him.
Kaoru was sparse in his replies. He always replied to Kojiro’s “good night” texts with “We’re 7 hours ahead. I am just waking up, Gorilla.” He’d start text messages throughout the day. He’d take pictures of pieces he’d made. He’d write out how he was upgrading Carla. But most of it felt like too much. Like he was getting clingy. So he’d erase most of them without sending. There were some days all Kojiro got was that morning text and “I’m going to bed. Don’t blow up my phone too much while I’m sleeping.”
Kaoru feared that Kojiro would eventually get tired of sending so much to him and getting so little back.
Kojiro never faltered.
Until one day, Kojiro sent a new picture. A picture of him, flexing his big, stupid, not hot at all bicep. But it was different now. It had Kaoru’s sun doodle blown up about 10x the size he had drawn it plastered in dark ink on it. It was fresh if the red around the lines around it were any indication. The supposed artist was even in the background looking proud next to his station in the mirror. The only words along with the text were, “What do you think?”
Kaoru answered before he even really thought. He typed back, “Are you an idiot? Scratch that, of course you are. You’re coming back to Japan with a tattoo that big? Of something stupid I drew? I am not paying to help you remove it.”
Then all at once the texts stopped.
He didn’t really notice at first.
Then he thought it was weird he woke up one morning to no “good night” text. That gave an uncomfortable drop in his chest but he shook it off. Kojiro was there to work. Of course sometimes he would be too busy to send silly nothing texts to Kaoru. He’d be back.
Then a week went by. Karou was actually worried at that point and did something he’d never done. Sent the first message. A quick, “Hey, gorilla. Are you dead?” He received a quicker, “No.”
For months that was the only communication. He’d sporadically send that message. He’d get the same no. Other than that, it was radio silence. No more photos. No more good morning. No more good night.
He wondered if Kojiro had started another apprenticeship that was far busier. If he no longer had time to send Kaoru messages. But it didn’t really make sense because Kaoru had gotten a few texts with selfies of Kojiro nearly face planted in bed the first few weeks. He would tell Kaoru prep hours were early and closing hours were late and learning Italian was hard with spelling errors and words missing sometimes as if his eyes had already been blurring from sleep. But he still sent them.
He wondered if Kojiro had fallen on hard times and had to change his phone plan so he was charged by the text now. That was more likely. He considered offering to pay his phone bill for him through the next year until he realized how that sounded. It made it sound like he wanted those pestering text message. He didn’t. Of course not. Really. But he had always looked out for Kojiro and he had to make sure that blithering fool didn’t get himself in trouble abroad, right? So they should be in steady communication, right? Right.
Before he even suggested that, the last realization crashed over Kaoru. The worst one of all. Maybe Kojiro’s good mornings and good nights were being sent to someone else. Maybe he met someone there.
Kaoru typed out the message, “Are you seeing someone there?” Erased it.
The next day he typed out something he thought sounded less on the nose, “Meet anyone interesting yet?” But he erased it again.
He typed and erased a message almost every day, but still couldn’t bring himself to send it. He told himself it was because he didn’t care. Why would he care? It didn’t matter if Kojiro had met some thin, tanned brunette girl. It didn’t matter if she loved to eat all the fancy food with him and never called him names. It didn’t matter if she was loud and bright like he was.
It didn’t matter at all.
Kaoru resigned himself to this. He would stare up at his ceiling at night, wrapped in Kojiro’s green sweater and just feel in his bones that Kojiro was probably sleeping in the same bed as Sofia, the fictional Italian Goddess Kaoru had created in his head. His heart would be in his stomach. He’d bite the inside of his cheek hard enough to taste blood holding back tears. Why would he cry over some idiot who didn’t even text him? He wouldn’t. He was Kaoru Sakurayashiki damn it. He was a successful artist with suitors banging at his door. He only turned them away because he was busy and didn’t want them finding out about his skating hobby. It had nothing to do with green haired, monkey brained chefs.
So he never asked about the existence of any Sofia.
Their communications remained sparse until Kaoru got the text, “I’m coming back to Japan next month.”
It was uncharacteristic. Maybe it was because Kojiro caught him off guard. It was certainly not because Kaoru missed him. All the same, he typed back, “About time. I expect a meal for making me wait so long.”
***
The next message Kaoru got from Kojiro several months later was an address and the words, “Show up around lunchtime hungry.” Kaoru thought about responding that he didn’t usually eat any lunch during a work day unless he had a lunch meeting. But Kojiro hadn’t asked anyway and Kaoru had been the one to say he was owed a meal.
The next day he found himself outside Sia la Luce the next day. When he entered the door, he quirked an eyebrow. It wasn’t what he would have expected from high school Kojiro. High school Kojiro would have played music too loud and had skate decks on the wall. Instead he was met with table cloths, flowers, a string orchestra playing over the speakers. But it had a warm charm to it in the sturdy brick and dark stained wood. That made it feel like Kojiro despite everything else.
A waitress approached him immediately. “Pardon me, are you Sakurayashiki-san?”
“I am.” Kaoru confirmed suspiciously.
Her face brightened immediately as she clapped her hands together. “Right this way please.” He followed her to a seat at the bar with a reserved card. She picked it up and gestured for him to sit. As he slid into the seat, she started in a bubbly tone, “We’re so excited to have one of Chef’s old friends here! He’s been wiping his spot at the counter every chance he–”
“Hey! Get back to seating the other customers, Hina.” Kojiro emerged from the back, cutting the girl off.
Kaoru took out his fan and spread it over his mouth to hide the expression he was sure he was making. Kojiro had not shared a picture in a long time after all and he had become sculpted. There was no more awkward teenage lankiness. His arms and back were barely contained his chef’s coat, especially when he crossed his arms in annoyance. His hair had grown out too. It was shaggier, but still fluffy and soft looking. He used to let Kaoru mess with it after school, he wondered if he still would so he could run his fingers through it and then crushed that thought.
“Tea?” Kojiro asked Kaoru from behind the bar. Not hello. Not how have you been. Just “tea?” like this wasn’t their first time seeing each other in years. Like the distance and time hadn’t meant anything to him at all.
“Wine,” Kaoru corrected. “Red.” He didn’t usually drink at lunch but he felt like he was going to need it for this interaction.
“Oh, did you become fun while I was gone?” Kojiro flashed him that lopsided boyish grin. That was the same. So much so that Kaoru’s heart jumped in his chest exactly how it used to.
He tried to hide the red in his cheeks as irritation spitting back, “I was always fun, Gorilla.”
“Sure,” Kojiro poured the wine with an easy smile. He disappeared into the back, returning with a pasta dish that he put in front of Kaoru. “Penne alla Vodka.” He rested his elbows on the counter, watching Kaoru a bit expectantly.
“I don’t even get to order?”
“Try it.”
Kaoru rolled his eyes as he brought the fork to his mouth. Then another bite. And another. It really was excellent. Creamy with just a hint of tang from the Vodka. “It’s fine,” he offered.
“It wouldn’t kill you to say it’s good,” Kojiro said with a dead pan.
“I would say it was good if it was good.” He wouldn’t. He was arguing to argue. But god if it didn’t feel good to fall into that familiar banter with him.
“Sure you would,” Kojiro waved a hand dismissively which irked Kaoru more. Kojiro glanced up at the other tables and sighed, “I have to get back to the kitchen. Come for dinner sometime. I’ll get you to admit it’s good.” There was that boyish grin again.
Kaoru’s heart was in his throat when he said as composed as he could manage, “Maybe.”
***
For a time, it was like Kojiro never left. Kaoru would come for wine after S sometimes. Kojiro would make them an easy pasta dish and they’d talk like they never stopped talking.
“It’s a new look,” Kojiro said one day from the seat next to Kaoru at the bar while he sipped wine. “The yukata and the glasses.”
“The yukata is a traditional Japanese like the calligraphy. The glasses are integrated with Carla. It’s a perfect balance of the traditional and cutting edge technology. It’s what makes me a genius in my field.” Kaoru said smugly as he took a large bite of yet another dish he called only “fine” out loud.
“I like your Cherry look better. It reminds me of your punk phase more. Although, I kind of miss the piercings.” Kojiro tucked a strand of hair behind Kaoru’s ear before he ran his thumb over the mostly healed holes in his ears where his piercing used to sit. Kaoru nearly shivered at the touch. The sensitive skin tingled at his touch. He wanted to lean into it. He wanted to feel strong hands on him. He wanted so much more.
He slapped his hand away, letting his hair fall back over his face to hide how red he was. “Don’t touch me.” It sounded harsh even to his own ear. Not because he yelled it. No, if he had yelled it and added oaf or gorilla it would have been like their usual. This was just said plain and simple. No joke. No barb. Just an order. Don’t touch me. The lack of heat made it feel more final. More real. Too real.
Kojiro stood from the table, turning his back to Kaoru quickly.
“Koji–”
“Put your dishes in the sink and lock the door when you leave.” That was all Kojiro said before retreating back to his apartment above the restaurant.
The silence in the restaurant was too much. It reminded him of the day his phone fell just as silent.
He tried to follow Kojiro, but he had locked the door to his apartment.
***
They never really talked about what happened between them that night. They fell back into their old banter like they always did. Even though Kaoru felt like something had shifted he couldn’t quite put his finger on.
At the same time, Kojiro was becoming more well known at S again. All his muscles had made his skating more powerful. He could pull tricks he never used to be able to before. Girls noticed.
One blonde girl with absurd proportions came running up to Kojiro. She leaned over acting like she was inspecting his skateboard, but Kaoru knew full well it was to give Kojiro a view of her cleavage in her tank top. “Oh,” she said in a valley girl tone, “it looks like just a normal board, but you were going so fast.”
Kaoru waited for Kojiro to roll his eyes at the girl. He waited for him to brush him off and come back to Kaoru. He always had in high school anyway.
But this was after something had shifted.
Kojiro gave her a toothy grin instead, “I’m what makes it fast. These muscles aren’t for show.” He flexed his bicep for emphasis.
Kaoru wanted to throw up. Because it was a sickening display. Not because he was choking on the lump in his throat at Kojiro entertaining this. Not because of the deep pit in his chest that felt an awful lot like Adam leaving. Like betrayal. Not because of any of that at all. Really.
“Can I feel?” The girl batted her eyelashes.
“All yours,” Kojiro winked.
The girl squealed as she squeezed his bicep with both hands and Kojiro laughed and Kaoru couldn’t understand the conversation anymore. His ears were ringing and he was definitely going to be sick. He blamed Kojiro. Kojiro’s cooking that is. Kojiro didn’t have the power to make him sick any other way, he reminded himself.
“Let’s go you giant ape,” Kaoru said between grit teeth. “I’m getting indigestion.” Kaoru started to make this way away from the crowd.
Kojiro left the girl with a quick apology and followed at his heels, “Hey, bullshit you have indigestion, you only eat at my restaurant!”
“Did you get a kick out of that empty headed bimbo crowding you?”
“Is that what this is about?” Kojiro stopped in his tracks. Seeming stunned in a way that twisted uncomfortably because why would he think Kaoru would care. That had to be it. That was the upsetting misunderstanding here. Really.
“I just didn’t realize you were a gorilla and a pig. Eat alone tonight.” Kaoru sped away on Carla leaving Kojiro standing alone in the street.
***
Something else had clearly shifted under the layers of their relationship. Every day Kaoru watched Kojiro talk to more women. Every day, there was a silent scream inside of him that one of these women would stick. That she would become permanent. She would become Sofia. She would steal his reserved spot at the restaurant. Be the one splitting the bottle of wine with Kojiro after S. When Kaoru called Kojiro a pig for how he treated women, even he noticed how his tone grew more venomous all the time but Kojiro never brought it up.
They were drifting further apart from how they used to be. Becoming more complicated, too resentful. The shifts in their relationship would eventually cause the Earthquake that would destroy it. Kaoru was sure of it. Felt it more all the time.
Until Adam came back.
It hurt more than his pride. He hated to admit it, but he had loved Adam once. Had loved the spark of interest he brought into Kaoru’s life that had become so boring. Loved the challenge. And now Adam called him just what he hated. Boring.
Maybe that was why he snuck out that night. He needed to see Kojiro. Needed to see the person who had always been there; his constant; the first person to challenge and interest him. He needed to know that even with shifts and changes that Kojiro would still let him in no matter what. That Kojiro still needed him at least a little. He was weak enough right then to admit that he needed Kojiro at least.
But the pain meds made him fall asleep at Kojiro’s bar.
It was a lovely dream though. In his dream, he had gone to Italy with Kojiro and they sat outside a cafe in Venice at night, watching a gondola go by. The moon was full and the stars were bright and Kojiro was smiling that boyish grin that made Koaru’s heart skip a beat and it was only for him. No one else was there.
Kaoru was looking out at the water, but he became aware of Kojiro speaking when he said, “At least we’re together.”
“Always, idiot.” Kaoru gave a subdued smile at him, but his heart was threatening to beat out of his chest.
“You scared the hell out of me. I’ve been pulling back this whole time because I thought I was losing you anyway. And then I thought I would really lose you.” Kojiro sighed. “I’m done being afraid you’ll walk away from me. At the very least if that day comes, I want to know I had as much time with you as possible. So no more walls. Just us. Together. I promise, Kaoru.”
Kaoru could feel himself smiling into his wine. “One of your better ideas. I like the sound of that.”
When Kaoru woke up, he was back in the hospital. The nurses seemed none the wiser that he had ever left as if Kojiro had snuck him back in the same night. Hell, he wondered if he had never left or if seeing Kojiro at Sia La Luce had also been a dream.
Then text messages started again. His phone beeped on the nightstand and when he looked it read, “Good morning.” Simple in a way their relationship hadn’t been in years.
Kaoru blinked at it in disbelief. He felt like he was suddenly back in time years to the first time Kojiro texted him when he was in Italy. He wouldn’t ruin it this time, “Good morning, oaf.” He typed back.
The messages started slow, but they never stopped. Even as Kaoru recovered and left the hospital. He received pictures of desserts Kojiro was trying for the first time with the words, “I’ll save you one.” Gym selfies. Screen shots of memes and names of restaurants Kojiro wanted to eat at. Kaoru sent all the texts he was too afraid to the first time. Pictures of what he was working on, whether it was calligraphy or Carla. He replied to every good night and good morning. He sent a picture of him with a clip on earring one day while he stuck his tongue out.
Vaguely, he wondered how much of his dream was a dream. Wondered if any of that was something Kojiro actually felt or said. But gambling on that and asking about it was too much of a risk. He kept it quiet.
***
They danced around being anything more as if in a teasing tango. They’d get close so close. Drunk and late at night. Dancing in Kojiro’s kitchen to old songs from their childhood. Eating desserts out of each others hands. Often collapsing in the same bed to sleep after S. And Kaoru each time almost considered admitting the thing he had only gotten comfortable admitting to himself after a near death experience. Could feel the words rolling around on his tongue but then Kojiro would give a troubled sigh, let go, turn away, or roll to the other side in bed. Every. Time.
Kaoru started to suspect there had been some fundamental misstep in their dance along the way. Something that kept them from the satisfying come together. Maybe it was just that Kojiro didn’t like him that much. Maybe even as Kojiro had stopped inviting the girls from S anywhere or giving them their numbers…maybe that didn’t mean anything for Kaoru. When Kaoru asked about it, Kojiro shrugged and said, “Guess I just have a pretty exacting type. Close enough isn’t working anymore.” Kojiro looked Kaoru up and down when he said. Grabbed his ponytail and ran it through his fingers, brought it to his lips as if he was going to kiss it but then let it fall. Kaoru’s heart nearly stopped in his chest.
Still they didn’t make more progress than that. The spark of understanding didn’t come until years later when he was sitting at the Sia La Luce with Reiki and Miya. Reiki had been talking their ear off about everything Langa had been sending him from the Winter Olympics where he was competing in snowboarding for Canada. Pictures of food, selfies with other athletes. Kaoru loved the boy like his own little brother, but god if he couldn’t go on about his boyfriend. Kaoru had nearly checked out when Reiki’s phone went off and he pulled it out of his pocket excitedly. “It’s another picture from Langa!” Reiki’s mouth dropped open in surprise.
Miya and Kaoru both leaned in to see his phone. It had to really be something if it had gotten Reiki to shut up. “Is that a tattoo?” Miya asked incredulously. It definitely was a tattoo. One on Langa’s wrist of two hands, one in red and one in blue, making a circle symbol and pressed together.
Reiki dropped his phone on the counter. He pulled his head band down over his nearly tomato red face. “It’s our handshake.” Reiki muttered.
Kojiro gave a low whistle as he leaned over to take in the picture. He took in Reiki’s embarrassment before he gave a chuckle and ruffled his hair. “Kid, I hope you’re really in love with him. Nothing says ‘commitment’ like a tat.”
Everyone else was ribbing Reiki, but Kaoru was dead still. Ice ran through his veins as he remembered. The doodle. Kojiro’s tattoo. His response…
“Are you an idiot? Scratch that, of course you are. You’re coming back to Japan with a tattoo that big? Of something stupid I drew? I am not paying to help you remove it.”
Koaru stood abruptly from his chair and slammed his hands on the counter. Everyone turned to look at him in shock.
“Kao–” Kojiro started but Kaoru cut him off.
“I need a word with you.” Kaoru said firmly. “Upstairs. Right. Now.” Kaoru grabbed Kojiro by the front of his chef’s jacket, dragged him upstairs to his apartment. Kojiro stood in the entry way, his hands up in a surrender.
“Whoa, Kaoru, what’s going–” He started but Kaoru cut him off.
“‘Nothing says commitment like a tat.’” Kaoru restated, still facing the door he had slammed shut, his back to Kojiro.
“Kaoru–” Kojiro was starting on that placating tone, but Kaoru wouldn’t let him finish
Kaoru turned to face him. Aware his eyes must have looked a little wild. But he couldn’t stop it. He hadn’t even realized all his life he had been standing in font of a puzzle and now in a flurry the pieces were coming together with startling clarity. “You have a tattoo. You have a tattoo of something I drew.”
“Oh,” Kojiro said, crossing his arms defensively. And that was edging Kaoru on because had Kojiro just been letting him be this blind the entire time. “You don’t have to worry about that. I mean,” Kojiro shrugged, looked down at the ground like a kicked puppy, “I didn’t tell the kids it’s your drawing.”
“Are you committed to me, Kojiro?” Kaoru asked slowly. The word sounded odd in his mouth. No one was committed to him right? Adam had come and gone to his own liking. His parents checked in, only claimed him as their son, to get entrance to parties and events where he was a valuable contact. But more and more he looked back. Kojiro had been there the whole time.
Kojiro gave a hollow laugh, “Was that unclear at some point?”
“Of course it was!”
“Really?” Kojiro raised his eyebrow. “When you were the only one I kept in contact with? When I texted you every morning, every night?” Kojiro ran his hand through his hair. “Why are we having this conversation? I don’t expect anything from you in return. I got the message loud and clear. You thought I should get it removed and then you almost completely stopped contacting me, and you don’t want me to touch you. I got it. It doesn’t have to be a two way street. But for me, it’s always going to be you.”” And there it was all Kaoru’s self defensiveness laid out as the cruelness, as the rejection that Kojiro had interpreted it as. Every flag followed by a clear time that Kojiro pulled back. The puzzle coming together to reveal the full scope of Kaoru’s ignorance in a way that made his head reel.
“Idiot,” Kaoru hissed.
“Hey–” Kojiro began, but he never got to finish the thought. Kaoru had marched his way across the hall. Had thrown his arms around Kojiro’s neck. Had pulled him down just enough to meet his lips with his own in a hard kiss. Aggressive the way they always had been with each other. But it was also needy and desperate. Kaoru realized now that had always been the undercurrent of them too.
“Idiot,” Kaoru repeated softer, saying the word right against Kojiro’s mouth. “I was an idiot. I never put it together.”
Kojiro pulled Kaoru in by his waist, holding him tighter against his broad chest. Protective. Warm. Familiar. Home. “I thought you knew. I thought you were turning me down.”
“I never would have,” Kaoru started, considered started again, “I just didn’t think…” Kaoru let himself trail off but as he replayed the years in his head it all made so much sense. Finally Kaoru sighed, “We have a lot of time to make up for.”
“Yeah,” Kojiro smiled, pressing a chaste kiss to Kaoru’s forehead.
“Next time just spell it out of me.”
“Okay. Well, spelling it out for you: we should have sex.”
And Kaoru smacked Kojiro’s forehead with his palm, but he laughed all the same. The joy filling him almost demanded to be let out as laughter and he thought I love him. And he did. Really.