Chapter Text
Jax was not panicking.
Sure, she messed up. She overshared. She couldn't help it, in the quiet moment with her best friend, it was as if everything deep inside of her just had to spill out, and she felt powerless against it. Now Ribbit knew.
Jax was pacing. Her mind was racing. She was thinking of an excuse to fix this. She had a few options. She could tell Ribbit that she lied about the whole thing, and though she knew Ribbit was smarter than to believe it, she'd hopefully be kind enough not to call Jax's bluff. She could also never speak to Ribbit again. It was a little extreme. But it'd keep Ribbit from laughing at her.
But she didn't laugh at you, a voice inside her head helpfully reminded her. It was true. Ribbit had done everything but laugh at her. She recognized her, acknowledged her for being… her.
It was lovely, wasn't it?
The feeling of being free, even if just for a moment. And seen for it. By the most important person in Jax's digital life, and probably her entire life, really.
“No,” she whispered. It was the first time she spoke since she told Ribbit about… “no. She misunderstood. She won't understand you, she can't.”
She remembered something then. Yelling, tears. The disappointed, hateful look in her mother's eyes. She quickly shook away the thought. No, that won't happen again. With any luck, Ribbit will just forget about the whole thing, and-
There was a knock on the door. Jax paused, and turned to stare. Silence, for a beat or two. And then, knock, knock, knock.
She didn't move. “Jax?” A voice softly called from the other side of the door. It was Ribbit. Something unsettling ached in Jax's chest. They had no human organs in the circus, not really. But it still felt like something was aching deep within her.
“Um, may I come in?”
Maybe it was because she wasn't thinking straight, or maybe it was because it was Ribbit, but something pulled Jax to the door. With a shaky breath, she opened it. She was faced with a very concerned looking Ribbit. Her eyes widened when she saw her.
“I was kinda worried you weren't going to come out,” Ribbit laughed awkwardly. Then she froze up, her eyes stretching impossibly wider. “Oh, uh, I meant. The door, your room. Uh, Jax, can we talk?”
She wants to talk about it, little alarm bells rang inside Jax's ears. Everything within her screamed at her to run. Run away somewhere, where Ribbit would never find her. But wasn't that what got her into this mess in the first place.
Jax leaned away from the door, leaving room for Ribbit. “Pfft, sure, you can come in.”
Ribbit was noticeably relaxed, as if every ounce of tension left her body at that moment. She followed Jax into her room. She closed the door behind her with a soft click. Suddenly, Jax felt very, very suffocated. Only then did she realize this was the first time Ribbit had been in her room.
Ribbit looked at ease, looking unbothered by the cutesie-ness of it all. But Jax wasn't. Oh God, this was a mistake. She shouldn't have let her in. She shouldn't have opened her stupid mouth and told Ribbit all of those awful things about herself.
“So…” Ribbit awkwardly cleared her throat, breaking the silence. “You um, look. You know I didn't mean to pry, I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable or made you feel like you had to tell me anything you weren't ready for-”
“Pry about what?” Jax said in an instant. She smiled, a wide smile that stretched at her weird, rubbery features. It felt as strained as it looked. “You worry too much.”
Ribbit frowned. She was so far away, standing several feet away from Jax. She wished Ribbit was closer.
Oh god. Where did that come from?
“I don't think any differently of you, you know,” Ribbit said all too quickly. Jax held her breath, waiting, and waiting. Ribbit was fumbling with her words. Eventually, she continued. “I can't tell you how to feel, but um. Like I said, I-I'm sure your mom is probably fine. And I don't blame you or judge you or-”
“What?” Jax said, too loud.
Ribbit paused. “Um, what?”
“This-this is about my mom?” Jax sputtered. She couldn't believe what she was hearing. “That's what you wanted to talk to me about?”
Ribbit looked down at the floor, shuffling her webby feet. “Again, I'm really sorry, Jax. You panicked and dude, you were totally freaking out! I'm sorry I made you feel that way.”
“I wasn't freaking out because of my mom!” Jax blurted out. Sh*t. Ribbit looked up at her. Really looked at her. Overshared, again.
“Oh… then, what's wrong?” Ribbit tilted her head slightly. It was stupidly cute.
No, now is not the time for that, Jax scolded herself. One crisis at a time, thank you very much. “The-the you know, the other thing.”
A quiet moment. A pink bow. Recognition, or what she thought was recognition, anyway. A swell in Jax's heart. Sweet comfortability. Leaning in, towards that gentleness. An overwhelming sensation of emotions, confused and vulnerable and left bare, raw and aching.
Ribbit searched Jax's gaze, expression unreadable. “I don't know what you mean, Jax.”
“Yes, you DO!” Jax said helplessly. Her voice was high. Her throat felt rough. She was close to tears. Pathetic. “You obviously know! You-you…”
“I don't want to misread this,” Ribbit said carefully as she took a slow step closer. “I am not going to make any assumptions, Jax. That isn't fair to you.”
“You should,” she said coarsely. “Assume away.”
“Why?” another step. And then another.
“It's easier that way.”
Ribbit shook her head. She was closer now, close enough to touch. “No, I don't want to speak for you, Jax. I hope you know you can always trust me. And that you can tell me anything, if you want to.”
And when has Jax ever had somebody like that?
She was scared. When she first came into the circus, she appeared in a very masculine body. She was strangely angular and tall, her overalls were low and showing her chest and shoulders. Jax sometimes felt resentful of Ragatha and Ribbit, Ragatha with her cute bow and dress, and of course there was Ribbit with a gentler, more curvy frame. Somewhere down the line that envy became a slight attraction. But Jax would never tell Ribbit that.
But that wasn't the point. The point was, they got to be women. Caine gave them a more feminine appearance. But not Jax. They all saw her as a man. Kaufmo constantly referred to her as “like a brother,” and Ragatha told her once during an adventure that she reminded her of her brother. Clearly, Caine didn't see Jax as anything more than how her mom saw her. Because even in this fake digital world, Jax still didn't get to be a woman.
But how did Ribbit see her then? On her bed, blushing an embarrassing shade of red, with a bow on her head?
“I liked it,” Jax said.
She didn't immediately die on the spot, so that was nice. But it was too silent. Ribbit stared at her, and she felt so itchy under her gaze.
“Okay,” Ribbit said slowly. “You liked uh, what, exactly? Opening up?”
“No,” Jax said. “Well, yes. But I mean. The. When you.” Stammering over her words, Jax frustratedly pointed at the bow around Ribbit's neck.
Ribbit's pupils were very wide. She looked down in confusion at where Jax was pointing. When she noticed the bow, she let out a little “oh!” Of surprise. Then, she softened, giving Jax one of those looks. The kind of painfully affectionate looks she usually gives Jax before she calls her stupid. “Well, that's fine Jax. I'm sorry that you were upset, but if you're worried I'm judging you, I wouldn't. It's okay.”
Because boys can like girly things, Jax thought bitterly. “Don't say I'm just like your brother.”
Ribbit blinked. “Um, well I don't have a brother.”
“W-well, don't say I'm like a brother,” Jax argued. She crossed her arms defensively. “Ragatha and Kaufmo are always saying things like that. I hate it.”
“I won't say it if you hate it,” Ribbit said. “But also it's not true. I see you as my friend, Jax. Um, are you feeling better?”
No, she thought. “Uh, sure. Yeah, thanks. No need to worry ‘bout me.”
Ribbit didn't look convinced. “Well, good. Then I'm glad you're good.”
“Yeah, I'm good,” said Jax. Then, “I'm also a girl.”
Well, f*ck. She's said it now.
She always found the stupidest ways to say the most important things.
Ribbit smiled. It was obvious she was trying to keep herself from laughing. Something cold and dreadful settled in Jax's stomach. All of a sudden, she felt nauseous. She shouldn't have said anything. Oversharing, again. She had to fix this. Fast. “Sorry. No, I mean that-”
“I didn't think you'd tell me like that,” Ribbit giggled. “But I am glad you told me.”
Jax relaxed. “Oh.”
So it wasn't a big deal.
Ribbit knows now.
And it was fine.
“Cool,” Jax said.
“Are you still uh, I mean do you still like to go by Jax?” Ribbit asked.
“Oh, I picked that name,” she boasted. It was true. She was the only one in the circus who picked her own name. She leaned in closer to Ribbit, mere inches away, and she whispered, “no one knows it's short for Jacqueline.”
“Jacqueline,” Ribbit repeated, in awe. A thrill went up Jax's spine hearing her say her name like that. “I like it. It suits you. It's very pretty.”
Pretty. Jax was sure she was blushing an embarrassing red again. All too aware of their closeness, she jerked away from Ribbit. “Well, don't go telling the others,” she hid her embarrassment behind a cough.
“You're not telling them?”
Jax didn't think anyone in the circus would mind. Ragatha would be overly supportive, if maybe a little surprised. Jax didn't think Caine would really comprehend the weight of what she was saying. Kinger would forget immediately after. But it wasn't about that. It was about how they would perceive her. How they'd see every little thing she did, and see it differently than before.
Jax settled with, “not yet.”
“Okay,” said Ribbit. “Well, I'll always help you, when you are ready.”
Could it really be that easy?
Ribbit looked thoughtful for a moment. Jax could have sworn she was blushing. Then, as if making a decision, she stepped closer, into Jax's space.
“Wh-what are you doing?” Jax squeaked.
Ribbit took off her bow, reaching up to gently put it on top of Jax's head. Then, her hands fell to Jax's, holding them gently. And for a moment, Jax was almost certain she was about to be kissed. But that would be ridiculous. Ribbit wouldn't want to kiss someone like her.
“You are so pretty,” Ribbit said, oh so softly.
Jax melted into it, the warmth and sincerity of it all. She let Ribbit hold her hands, and gaze at her so adoringly. And this time, Kaufmo didn't knock on the door. This time, the moment stayed just the way it was, comforting. And Jax could say so much more, if she wanted too. And she did. There was so much she longed to tell Ribbit. So many feelings that wanted to bubble up and spill out.
But for now, this was enough.