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Phil probably shouldn’t have accepted PJ’s invitation for New Year’s Eve. He knew that Dan would be there and it would end up being an awkward experience for everyone involved. All their meetings had been awkward ever since they broke up.
He felt bad for their friends who always ended up in an uncomfortable situation, trying to include them both while also trying to keep them as far away from each other as possible. Their relationship hadn’t ended as badly as it could have, but that didn’t mean they wanted to be around each other for more than absolutely necessary.
Phil could admit, at least to himself that he missed Dan. He missed him terribly and seeing him on New Year’s Eve, while surrounded by kissing couples, was going to be torture. He was going to have to spend the first few moments of the New Year trying to fight back the memories of what once was and thoughts of what could have been if they both hadn’t been too proud to admit they were wrong.
The breakup was both of their faults and it could have easily been avoided if they had just come to terms with it and talked about it like the mature adults they were. By the time Phil had come to terms with all of this, it was too late and Dan had already moved all his stuff out of their shared apartment.
He wished he could say that he was completely over their breakup and was already looking around for someone new to truly show he had moved on but Phil wasn’t really a fan of lying to himself. He was already lying to everybody else, no need to do it with himself as well. The truth was that he was still completely in love with Dan and he didn’t feel that was going to change soon.
What if Dan brought someone with him to the New Year’s Eve party? Then he would be the loser having to spend all night looking at his ex boyfriend moving on with someone new while he he was pathetically alone.
Phil wouldn’t even mind getting to see Dan as often as he did if they were at least half as close as they used to be. Too bad that hadn’t been the case. He couldn’t even remember the last time they had a conversation that lasted longer than five minutes and which didn’t involve commenting on the weather they were having. He hadn’t just lost a boyfriend when they broke up, he lost his best friend.
As much as he wanted to, he couldn’t really blame his friends for ending up in this situation. PJ was friends with both him and Dan. Inviting one of them but not the other would mean choosing sides and Phil couldn’t ask them to do that. Even though Phil had known PJ first, Dan had become just as good as friend to him.
He left getting ready till the last possible second, trying to come up with believable excuses of why he couldn’t make it to the party. In the end he just gave up. He knew PJ would see straight through him and come get Phil himself if he refused to show up. Phil knew PJ would never let him spend New Year’s Eve at his apartment by himself. He was a good friend like that.
Phil quickly put on a nice pair of black jeans with his favourite blue shirt. He almost left his hair as it was but in the end decided to fix it up a little using his straightener. He would never admit it if anyone asked, but he wanted to make a good impression on Dan. And if his ex boyfriend decided to bring someone new with him to the party, at least he wouldn’t give the impression that Dan broke up with him to find someone better. He finished off his look with a quick spritz of cologne and then left his apartment to get on the cab that was waiting for him outside.
In fifteen minutes, Phil found himself at the party, trying his best to mingle and chat with the people around him and occasionally taking a sip froths drink. He wasn’t surprised that Dan wasn’t anywhere around yet.
He had always been a fan of leaving home at the very last possible moment and arriving ‘fashionable late’. Phil smiled sadly when he remembered all the arguments they used to have every time he wanted to leave for somewhere early and Dan took forever to get ready.
For the first time ever, Phil found himself feeling glad for Dan’s late habits. It gave him the chance of preparing himself a little for their upcoming meeting. Maybe the drink he was currently sporting would help him lose up a little and they would finally be able to hold a conversation that lasted more than five minutes and had nothing to do with the weather.
All thoughts of being calm and collected went out of the window when he heard PJ call out to Dan from behind him. He was here. He was actually going to see Dan again. He turned around, ready to go be polite and go say hello and immediately froze. Something was wrong.
Something was really wrong. Dan was wearing that stupid (adorable) fluffy brown hat he always used to wear when he was upset and his eyes looked as if someone had dared to kick his puppy right in front of him. Phil was absolutely sure something had happened or Dan would have never worn it out in public, he knew him enough to be sure of it.
It was literally killing him to see Dan look so sad and he longed to go up to him to comfort him but he knew his advances wouldn’t be appreciated. They hadn’t been close in ages and Phil doubted they could even be considered friends anymore. So why would Dan tell him what was going on?
Phil felt like absolute rubbish to even be thinking something like this, but a part of him couldn’t help feel elated to see that Dan had shown up on his own. If he had been seeing someone new, he wouldn’t have show up to a New Year’s Party without them, especially while he was upset. “I still have a chance”, he thought and immediately wanted to kick himself for thinking that afterwards. How inconsiderate of him.
The party was in full swing now with guests eating, drinking and dancing around with happy smiles on their faces but Phil ignored them all. He only had eyes for Dan wearing that stupid hat and looking worse for wear as time went on. He had to do something. No one deserved to look so sad on New Year’s Eve.
Phil took a deep breath and finally walked over to Dan. “Hey Dan”, he said softly, giving him a small smile. He hoped Dan wasn’t too upset talk to him or he would look like a complete moron. Thankfully, Dan didn’t seem to mind his presence.
“Hey”, he said, smiling back at him even though years of practice told Phil that it wasn’t really genuine.
This must be even worse than I thought.
He tried to engage Dan into conversation, talking about his Christmas, the holiday he had planned for after the New Year and even talked about his family but nothing succeeded in getting rid of the sad look on Dan’s face.
If he wasn't so worried over his ex boyfriend, he would have realised that this was the longest conversation they've had since they broke up even though he had contributed to most of it.
In the end, Phil just couldn’t take it anymore. He grabbed Dan by the arm and dragged him over to PJ’s spare room where he knew it would be the most quiet. He waited until Dan met his eyes and gave him a hesitant smile. “Look, I know we’re not really close anymore and we haven’t really talked in a while but you’re wearing that stupid fluffy hat you always used to wear when you were upset so please tell me what’s wrong because it’s killing me to see you so upset”, he blurted out in one go, leaving Dan looking at him with wide eyes.
He half expected Dan to push him away and tell him to mind his own business. What he didn’t expect was for Dan to throw himself at him to hug him close and start crying in his shirt collar. What the hell is going on?
He desperately wanted to ask Dan what the matter was once again but he knew they wouldn’t get anywhere until Dan calmed down. He lifted up his arm and gently started stroking Dan’s back, whispering soothing words in his ear. “You’re okay, you’re okay. Just let it out and take deep breaths. Everything will be okay.”
It took a few minutes but Dan managed to calm himself down enough to stop crying. He still looked upset but at least he no longer looked seconds away from completely breaking down. Phil stayed quiet, wanting to give him the opportunity to start talking when he felt comfortable instead of forcing him.
“Colin is s-sick”, he finally said, his voice breaking half way through. Phil couldn’t stop the wince at hearing that. He knew how much Dan loved the family dog even though he had left him with his mum when he moved in with him. Even he was feeling upset over learning about the poor dog so he couldn’t imagine what Dan was feeling.
“He has’t been eating well this week and yesterday he just stopped eating altogether so we took him to the vet and they’re giving him some antibiotics. They said he should be fine but wanted to keep him overnight and I wanted to stay with him because you know how scared Colin gets around strangers but mum wouldn’t let me ‘waste away’ my New Year’s Eve spending the night next to a dog and I’m just so worried even though they told me he’ll be fine”, Dan rambled, seemingly not even taking the time to breathe.
Phil could see how badly Dan was handing having to stay away from his dog while he was sick and couldn’t help but feel sorry for him. He could understand why his mum wouldn't want him to spend New Year’s Eve with the dog on his own but maybe…maybe he didn’t have to be on his own.
At first Phil was reluctant to share his idea. He didn't want to overstep his boundaries and he had no idea how Dan would react. Then he thought of Colin and of the fluffy hat of sadness that Dan still hadn’t taken off and sighed. “How about I call us a cab and we can both go stay with Colin together?”
Dan looked surprised and Phil couldn’t exactly blame him. Had he really gone from barely managing to keep a conversation going with Dan to offering to keep him company with his sick dog? Now that he really thought about it though, he hoped Dan would accept. He looked terrible having to stay away from Colin but Phil just didn’t want him to go and spend the night alone with a dog.
Dan seemed hesitant to accept but in the end nodded and offered him a shy smile. Phil had to make an effort in order to act cool and not make a big deal out of it. This New Year’s Eve was turning out to be better than he had expected. He got to spend some time with Dan and he also got to see sweet Colin again even though it wasn’t under the best circumstances.
Phil called them a cab just like he had suggested and was glad to see that their conversation was quickly losing its awkwardness as they waited outside for it to pick them up. Maybe it had only ever been awkward because they let it become so. They were so insistent on thinking about their breakup that they had never even bothered to serif they could go back to being friends, just like they had been before it turned into something more.
The drive to the vet was a little longer than he expected but Phil barely even noticed. They were too busy talking about how they had spent their Christmas and sharing funny stories about their families. They both avoided mentioning that this was the first Christmas in five years that they hadn’t spent together. It wasn’t worth ruining the easy going mood they had found themselves in.
Dan led the way to the room they were keeping Colin in and Phil smiled when he caught sight of the tibetan terrier sleeping peacefully in his crate. It seemed that watching his dog resting painlessly was all Dan needed to see as well since his face instantly brightened up and Phil could finally see that heartwarming smile he had fallen in love with all those years before.
They both settled down around the dog’s crate and Phil prepared himself for a long night awake. He got out his phone to check the time and was quite surprised when he noticed that there was just ten minutes left until the New Year.
Dan seemed to be following his same train of thought since he was also looking at the time with a pensive look on his face. “You really are something else, Phil Lester”, he said, surprising Phil. What in the world is he going on about?
“Oh, come on. Do you think it’s normal for people to spend New Year’s Eve with their ex boyfriend and their dog? You instantly knew that I was upset tonight because you actually remembered I wear this hat when I’m upset. You could have ignored me or tried to avoid bringing up the fact I was upset but instead you actually asked me what was wrong and comforted me when I burst out crying like an idiot instead of pushing me away. And when I told you Colin was sick you dropped everything and left the party to come with me. Not everyone would have done that”, Dan said with a shrug.
They would if they were still hopelessly in love with their ex. Phil couldn’t say that though. He had no idea if Dan even felt the same way or if he had moved on. They had finally started talking again after months of circling around the same topics and awkward silences. He couldn’t risk ruining it all over again. “We were friends before we were anything more. I couldn’t stand by while you were so upset. Anyone would have done the same for their best friend.”
Phil purposely ignored the disappointed look that came over Dan’s face at hearing that. Had they really ruined things so much between them that Dan no longer even considered him a friend? He knew that they hadn’t talked much lately but friendships like theirs were supposed to survive even the hardest of times and longest of distances.
“I’m never going to find someone like you am I?” Dan asked and Phil’s head snapped up so fast he was surprised his neck wasn’t hurting. Had he really heard Dan say that?
Dan must have noticed his shock and laughed humourlessly. “We were together for more than six years Phil. Is it really that big of surprise that I’m still in love with you?”
Phil wasn’t sure what he was supposed to say to that. If Dan really meant what he thought he did, that meant that they had just wasted months avoiding each other and awkwardly trying to make polite conversation when they could have been working hard on fixing their relationship and going back to how it used to be.
He had to very careful about what he said, he had a feeling that he was only going to get one shot at fixing this and he couldn’t ruin it. He loved Dan, he wanted nothing more than to have him back in his arms and back in his home but he needed to thread carefully for that to happen.
“It’s New Year’s Eve today. The New Year is a time for new beginnings and second chances. Dan, you must know that I never stopped loving you. I’m willing to try again if you are.”
He saw Dan look down at his phone and frowned. Apparently his carefully planned speech wasn’t as effective as he thought it was since Dan couldn’t even be bothered to answer him.
Just as he was about to say that they should just forget this ever happened and at least try to be friends, Dan leaned over and pressed their lips together in a soft kiss. “Happy New Year Phil”, he murmured, their lips still touching.
Phil pulled back and finally realised that it was already midnight. “Happy New Year Dan”, he said, a bright smile on his face. He pulled his boyfriend in for another kiss and couldn’t help but secretly thank Colin for giving them this opportunity.
The New Year really was a time for new beginnings.