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You’re exhausting.
The words rang in his ears as he numbly left the grocery store.
You’re exhausting.
They rang in his ears as he made his way back to his lawyers office to accept the settlement with the contingent that the department wait two weeks to make the announcement, that way Buck would already be gone before the inquisition rained down.
You’re exhausting.
They rang in his ears as he stopped at a store on his way to the loft in order to grab some boxes.
You’re exhausting.
They rang in his ears as he called a realtor and began packing up his life.
You’re exhausting.
They rang in his ears when the check hit his account, when he settled on a place in the hills, when he moved out of the loft a week after accepting the settlement, when he put letters in the mail for the team that they probably wouldn’t even read, when he blocked everyone he’d ever loved, and when he finally got settled into his new home.
The words haunted him even in his dreams.
After he moved, he rarely went out beyond necessary doctor’s appointments. When Christmas approached, he anonymously sent presents to the station for his old family and the kids.
He told himself it was because he didn’t really have a reason to go anywhere anymore, but the reality was that the less time he spent outside, the less exhausting he would be to others.
He was also less of a liability if he stayed indoors.
Once the rod and screws came out of his leg and his physical therapy ended, he went out even less.
Then Covid took over the world and suddenly Buck had an excuse to stop going outside.
When restrictions began to lift, Buck continued to stay inside.
At first he told himself it was just habit, but then he went to get in his jeep to go to the store one day and had a bad enough panic attack that he passed out, waking up on the garage floor a while later.
That was the last time he tried to leave.
Now, however, he was faced with the reality of his situation when he saw the mandatory evacuation notice flashing across the screen on both his phone and his TV. He now had to choose between finally facing his fear of going outside or dying.
Buck was entirely too on board with dying until Athena Grant decided she wasn’t leaving without him.
***
Whatever Athena expected when she’d knocked on the door to the only house that hadn’t evacuated, it certainly wasn’t to find one Evan Buckley, a man they’d all been missing like a limb since he disappeared following the confrontation with her husband and their family at the grocery store.
When he’d answered the door, Athena had barely recognized him. He’d slimmed down quite a bit, for one, and the hair he’d always kept short and gelled down had grown out to reveal wild curls.
But the most unrecognizable thing of all? He’d looked afraid.
The Buck she remembered had been fearless, constantly running head first into danger. He’d been cocky, stubborn, and headstrong. A man who’s smile lit up the room while his presence seemed to fill a space without taking it over. He’d stood tall and proud.
This Buck, however, remained partially hidden behind the door as he stared down at her with wide eyes. He didn’t smile when he saw her, he didn’t stand up straight and fill the space, if anything he seemed to shrink even further into himself.
The Evan Buckley standing before her was a broken shell of the man she remembered, and she had a feeling she knew exactly what the catalyst had been.
“Hey Buck,” Her heart broke as she watched Buck flinch before quickly dropping his gaze after she greeted him.
“Sergeant Grant,” Her breath hitched uncomfortably at the formal greeting and the roughness of his voice, as if it had been a while since he’d spoken. “If this is about the evacuation, I’m afraid you’ve wasted your time. I can’t leave.”
Can’t. Not won’t.
“Well, that’s a shame. Since I’m not leaving here without you.” She watched sadly as his face fell.
“You can leave without me, and you should. It’s safer for everyone if I stay put.” Buck stepped back, clearly about to shut the door, but Athena took the opportunity to bolt past him. “What are you - N-no! You need to go!” Buck was beginning to panic, but he didn’t move any closer to her.
“I told you, I’m not leaving here without you.” She watched, heart clenching, as Buck seemed to fold further into himself. His arms wrapped around his own torso as he stumbled back slightly, shooting her a pleading look.
“Please, I can’t be the reason they’re hurting again. I left so that I wouldn’t be able to hurt them anymore!” Athena took a step forward, wanting to comfort him, but froze when a wounded noise left him. “Don’t. Please don’t. Okay? Just…leave.”
“You know I can’t do that, baby. The evacuation is mandatory which means either we leave here together, or not at all.” She took a look around the space, noting how barren it was. Honestly, if she wasn’t standing here with him, she’d think the place was abandoned.
As her eyes traveled back towards Buck, they paused on two bags by the door that she’d missed.
I can’t leave.
It’s safer for everyone.
I can’t be the reason they’re hurting again.
I left so I wouldn’t hurt them anymore.
Like a bucket of ice water had been dumped on her, it all suddenly made horrifying sense to her.
“Oh, Buck.” She moved closer, doing her best to ignore the pang of guilt she felt at being the reason her boy was tipping closer and closer into a full blown panic attack.
When she finally reached him, she didn’t hesitate to gently pry his hands away from his body, stepping into the space she had created in order to wrap him in a gentle hug. She held him as his breath hitched and his heartbeat raced under her ear, waiting patiently as his arms remained hovering in the air before slowly coming to rest around her in a loose hug.
“We need to go, Buck. It’s no longer safe for you to stay here.” She reluctantly pulled back, then walked towards the bags she’d spotted before lifting them up and holding them out for Buck to take. She watched the fear creep back into his face before he took a tentative step forward and grabbed the bags from her, slinging them both over his shoulders.
“This really isn’t a good idea.” Athena ignored him, instead moving to open the door.
She’d barely opened it a crack before the ground shook beneath her feet. She heard a shout of her name as arms wrapped protectively around her, then she was being yanked backwards just as the world around them tilted and collapsed.
***
Athena came to with a gasp, shooting up from where she lay in Buck’s kitchen. Looking around frantically, she spotted the man still unconscious not too far from her and crawled over, sighing in relief when she felt a steady pulse under her fingers. Although, the sluggishly bleeding wound on his temple and the unnatural twist of his left arm dampened some of that relief as she pulled out her radio.
“Dispatch, this is 727-L-30. The house I was in collapsed down the hill. I’m uninjured, but the homeowner is unconscious with a head wound and possible broken arm.” Athena looked around, trying to see the state of the rest of the house. “He’s too big for me to move on my own and the house is now sitting at an angle. Our only exit is now above us.”
“Copy that, 727-L-30,” Athena winced as Maddie’s voice filtered through the radio. Normally she was happy to have her as her contact point, but normally didn’t include having her missing brother unconscious and bleeding next to her. “I’ve got your location noted, units will be dispatched as soon as they are available.”
“Copy that.” She holstered her radio just in time to hear Buck come to with a pained hiss. “Easy, Buck. Take it slow.” She’d be lying if she said she wasn’t relieved that he’d woken so soon after her. “Do you have any towels in your kitchen?” She watched him blink at her in confusion before lifting his head to eye a set of drawers to her right.
Not wasting a moment, she turned and pulled the drawers open until she found the one with the towels, yanking out the first one her fingers brushed before pressing it to the side of Buck’s head and helping him sit up, noting his sluggish movements.
“Are you still on blood thinners?”
“No,” He wouldn’t meet her eyes anymore. “They removed the rod and screws, so I was able to stop taking the meds.”
“Well…at least we don’t have to worry about you bleeding out.” She was trying for humor, but could see that she’d fallen short when all she got in response was a barely-there shrug.
“This is why I don’t leave the house. Bad things seem to always happen.”
“Except we hadn’t even made it out the front door, Buckaroo.”
“That just means that I’m the problem.”
Athena took a deep breath, swallowing down her argument as she recognized that now was not the best time to try to reason with a newly revealed agoraphobic Evan Buckley.
“Do you have anything nearby that we can use to splint that arm? Then we can work on getting out of here.”
“You should just save yourself,” She watched as Buck seemed to shut down even more. “I’m not worth dying for.” It was said so quietly that she almost missed it, but as soon as the words hit her she felt white hot rage flare up.
“Evan Buckley!” Buck flinched, head snapping up to look at her with wide eyes. “You don’t get to decide who cares about you. You don’t get to tell me who I feel is worth fighting for, not after disappearing the way you did for nearly a year.” She stood abruptly, planting her feet in order to remain steady on the tilted ground. “Now, get up off your ass, help me splint your arm, and let’s get the hell out of here.”
She isn’t sure if she actually managed to get through to Buck or if he just decided it wasn’t a fight worth having right then, but she watched in satisfaction as he slowly got to his feet and carefully adjusted the bags still somehow attached to him. She noted how he’d gone a little green around the edges when he’d managed to get to his feet, but he hadn’t puked yet so she hoped he was only lightly concussed rather than trying to hide how injured he really was.
Given the wreckage all around them, it was easy to find something to use as a makeshift splint for Buck’s arm, but climbing out was still going to be challenge with the man down an arm and Athena unable to really help him.
It also didn’t help that the house chose to slide a bit more, undoing all of their upward progress and partially collapsing the roof.
When the dust had settled, Athena found herself having to dig Buck out from under the rubble while the man begged for her to just leave him behind. She pointedly ignored him in favor of leveraging a beam off of his back with a crowbar, sending out a silent thanks when he actually got up.
“727-L-30,” Athena froze, watching Buck’s eyes go wide at the sound of his sister’s voice. “What is your status?”
“The house has shifted again and the homeowner is conscious. We’re going to use the fresh debris to help us climb out of the house.”
“Mom,” She watched Buck mouth May’s name in confusion. “Are you okay?”
“So far. We’re about to start climbing, so I won’t be able to answer again until we’ve made it out.” With that, she holstered her radio once more and looked expectantly at Buck.
“May became a dispatcher?” It was the first question he’d asked, but the open curiosity was like music to her ears.
“She’s taking a gap year before attending UCLA.” A small smile tugged at Buck’s lips before he turned his gaze upwards.
“I still think me leaving the house is a terrible idea.”
“And I still don’t care. We’re both leaving here, Buckaroo, so start climbing.” She bit the inside of her cheek to keep from grinning when he simply huffed before rolling his eyes and moving to assess their potential escape route.
The old Buck was still in there, he just needed to be coaxed out.
It was dark by the time they’d climbed their way out of the house, standing precariously on the crumbling wall of the entryway while they looked around for something more solid…well, Athena looked around. Buck looked like he wished the wall would collapsed under his feet, and his slightly erratic breathing was beginning to concern her.
“727-L-30, what’s your status?”
“Perfect timing, Maddie. We’ve made it out of the house, but the ground under our feet isn’t going to hold for much longer.”
“Copy that. A helicopter is currently inbound to your location.” At that moment, Athena spotted the top of what she believed to be her shop.
“C’mon, Buck. We need to get to my car.” There was a noise of dissent from the man, but he obediently followed her as they began carefully making their way towards the car.
“727-L-30, helicopter is approaching.” They’d just stepped onto the roof of the shop, with Buck dropping to his knees as he looked around slightly panicked, the two bags slipping off of his shoulders.
“Almost there, Buck.”
“N-no. I need to go b-back.” She watched as he stood on shaky legs, only managing a single step before his legs gave out once more. He flinched as the sound of an approaching helicopter reached their ears, shaking his head as his breathing picked up.
“Buck…” She knelt down carefully in front of him. “You need to breathe, baby. Follow my breathing, focus on me.”
She was making progress with him, he was just starting to calm down, and then Maddie mentioned that Bobby was on the helicopter and she was forced to watch helplessly as all of her hard work was undone. She gripped Buck’s shoulder tightly as he slipped into a full blown panic attack, his eyes becoming glazed just before they rolled back and he passed out. She was cursing up a storm when she looked up, just in time to see the helicopter fly right by them and make no moves to turn around.
Still cursing, she reached through her broken window to activate the lights, breathing out a sigh of relief when the helicopter began circling back towards them as she reached for her radio.
“Maddie, am I on an open channel?”
“No. Is everything okay?”
“Yes, the helicopter spotted us.” Barely. “However, you need to reach out to the team and have them meet us at the hospital.”
“Mom, what’s going on? I thought you said everything was okay.”
“I’m okay, but the homeowner will need medical attention and his family.” She shut her eyes, taking a deep breath before continuing. “The homeowner is Buck, and he just had a panic attack bad enough that it made him pass out when he heard that Bobby was on that helicopter.”
It was silent for a moment, and then…
“Why didn’t you say anything sooner?” Maddie sounded like she was crying.
“Because I needed to maintain control of a volatile situation, Maddie. It was hard enough as it was for me to convince him he needed to get out of there with me.”
“Convince him? What are you talking about?”
“I’ll explain what I know once everyone is at the hospital, but Buck seems to have become agoraphobic.” She was saved from any further exchange with Maddie when the helicopter began to hover above them, making it impossible to hear her radio.
She made sure Buck’s bags were grabbed as they were loaded onto the helicopter, shaking her head once at Bobby’s questioning look when he finally managed to tear his eyes away from Buck’s unconscious form.
***
“Where is he?” Eddie had barely cleared the emergency room doors before he was shouting for answers.
“Eddie,” Bobby appeared in front of him, halting his warpath. “He’s being settled in a room, they had to sedate him.”
“Sedate him? What the hell?” When Bobby looked away, Eddie turned his gaze on Athena.
“Since everyone’s here, I guess I’ll explain.” It was then that he finally registered that their entire found family was there, except for the kids who were all with Michael. “Eddie, why don’t you sit down?”
“I’m good.”
“I’m not asking.” Athena glowered at him.
Recognizing that he wouldn’t win against her, he reluctantly dropped into the nearest chair with a grunt.
“Buck has developed agoraphobia.” A pit opened in Eddie’s stomach at those words. “He was living in a house in the hills.”
“I didn’t even know he was still in LA…why didn’t he reach out to me?” Maddie’s choked out the words through her tears.
“Because he was convinced that all of us would be better off without him.” Athena glanced quickly between Eddie and Bobby. “He felt that by removing himself, he’d be unable to hurt any of us again and that we’d be safer. Somewhere along the line, his self isolation from us turned into isolation from everyone. I’d guess the foundation for it was already there when lockdown hit and then…”
“And then Buck never left lockdown.” Hen sounded horrified, Eddie felt horrified.
“He kept trying to get me to leave him behind. He almost had a damn panic attack when I forced my way into his home and insisted on not leaving without him. He did have a panic attack when I finally got him out and he heard that Bobby was on the helicopter rescuing us.”
“Is that why they’re keeping him sedated?” Chim squeezed Maddie’s hand, but his eyes never left Athena.
“Yes. He came to while they were doing their intake and immediately freaked out. They had to sedate him in order to stitch a laceration on his temple and do x-rays so that they could set his broken arm. The plan is to keep him sedated for the rest of tonight.”
It was then that Eddie noticed the two bags at her feet.
“What’s in there?” He watched Athena hesitate before answering.
“One bag is full of clothes, important documents, and toiletries. The other appears to be things that matter to him.” She nudged it closer, so Eddie took that as an invitation to open the bag.
He wanted to cry at what he found.
“Photo albums, drawings from the kids, a well wrapped hard drive that I suspect has more photos, and various small gifts that we’ve all given him…” Athena trailed off, but Eddie hardly noticed as he sifted through the bag.
“We broke him.”
“In more ways than one.” The fact that Athena didn’t disagree with him didn’t come as a surprise. “He’s a shell of who he was. I don’t think he’s spoken in a while since his voice was pretty rough when he was talking to me, he’s slimmed down quite a bit but it didn’t look like a dangerous amount, he could barely meet my gaze a majority of the time, and his confidence is just…gone.” Athena’s chin trembled before she swallowed down whatever emotion was trying to overwhelm her. “He’s terrified right now.”
“I don’t care how long it takes, we’re going to prove to him that we want him and that it's safe to be around him. We’ll prove to him that we were wrong.”
Eddie envied Bobby’s confidence.
***
Naturally, Buck woke right after Athena and Bobby left to get coffee and breakfast which meant that Eddie was left to calm him when he began to panic. Buck almost had to be sedated again, but Eddie eventually managed to get him to calm down somewhat.
Now he was at a loss on how to talk to the man who was once his best friend.
He watched, heart heavy with guilt, as Buck sat shaking like a leaf on the bed with his knees pulled up to his chest and his breath kept hitching. His adorable curls were in complete disarray and he wouldn’t even look at Eddie, but he’d also let Eddie keep a hold on his hand that wasn’t wrapped in a cast, and he relished the touch despite the death grip threatening to break his fingers.
“Buck…” The man flinched, his grip tightening impossibly more around Eddie’s hand. “It’s good to see you.”
He watched, heart breaking, as Buck shook his head almost violently, seeming to shrink even further into himself.
“I’ve missed you,” Buck flinched, head turning away. “Chris will be excited when he finds out you’re here.”
“N-no, h-he can’t know! It’s not safe…h-he’s not safe with me!” It was the first time Buck had looked directly at him, and he wished it wasn’t with unbridled terror.
“Buck, I meant what I told you a year ago. There is no one in this world that I trust more with my son than you.” It was a battle to keep his voice steady, to swallow down his guilt so that Buck didn’t misunderstand.
Not that it was doing much good if Buck’s increased heart rate and breathing were anything to go by.
“T-that was before.” It was clear that Buck was heading straight towards a fresh spiral, so Eddie decided to do something a bit drastic.
Buck wasn’t connected to anything except the heart monitor, so, without having to worry about dislodging anything, Eddie kicked off his sneakers and climbed onto the bed with Buck. It took some maneuvering since Buck wasn’t exactly much help, but eventually Eddie managed to position himself behind Buck with his legs settled on either side of the man. He wrapped his free arm around Buck, having never once let go of his hand, and pulled him back against his chest in an almost crushing hold.
He felt Buck take his first true deep breath since waking.
“He’s safe with you because you would never let anything happen to him,” He spoke low, directly into Buck’s ear. “He’s safe with you because you fought through a tsunami to find him.”
“I l-lost h-him.” Buck’s voice trembled. “I l-lost him and then I h-hurt all of you.”
“You never gave up on him,” Eddie pressed his temple against Buck’s head. “And you only hurt us because we hurt you first. We gave up on you when we shouldn’t have, and we’ve regretted that every day since you disappeared from our lives.”
“You w-were right, though…I’m a liability and e-exhausting.” Eddie tightened his hold on Buck.
“I don’t know who the hell told you that you’re a liability, but they were wrong. Just like I was wrong to call you exhausting.” Eddie felt a wave of shame threatening to overwhelm him, but he swallowed it down. “You’re not exhausting, Buck. You made my life so much easier and I punished you when you needed me instead of returning the favor.”
“Something bad a-always happens around m-me. I’m the problem…” Buck was beginning to squirm, like he was trying to get away, so Eddie did the rational thing and carefully locked his legs around Buck’s.
“You’re not the problem, Buck. A lot of scary things happened to you in a really short amount of time and you were left alone to deal with the aftermath of that. But that doesn’t mean you’re the cause of those bad things, bud, it just means you were at the center of a series of very unfortunate events.”
He felt something wet drip onto his arm and realized that Buck had begun crying.
“I'm scared.” Eddie shut his eyes and pulled Buck tighter against his chest. “I'm scared and I want to go home.” He felt Buck shudder as a sob ripped out of him.
“I know. I know, cariño.” He held Buck as he cried, rocking them slightly as he tried to soothe him. “I'm right here, Buck, and I'm not going anywhere. I promise.”
He didn't know if Buck believed him, he just knew that he was never going to let him go again. Not until Buck knew he was finally home.