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When Anabel asks me for a battle in the tiny little motel room, I am angry.
Not because she asked, of course—getting angry because someone wants to battle is like getting angry because someone wants to shake your hand. Anabel has nothing to do with my anger. I was angry long before I arrived on Akala Island. I was angry before I got the card from the mysterious old man.
I've been angry for days.
I almost sweep Anabel's team. She's good, but I don't think anyone in the whole world has a chance against me today. I knock out four of her Pokémon in a row and my streak is only broken when Tsareena misses on a high jump kick.
I grit my teeth and groan as Tsareena goes flying past Anabel’s Snorlax and slams into the far wall, damaging herself pretty badly. But she’s back up on her feet again in a minute, ready to fight.
I activate my Z-Ring.
“Tsareena,” I say. “Bloom Doom.”
Not ideal against a Snorlax, but I’m suddenly tired of this.
As Anabel’s Snorlax is enveloped in a lotus blossom of light, Tsareena looks back at me. Her eyebrows droop a little when she sees the expression on my face.
No, I want to say. No, it’s not your fault, never your fault.
But Anabel is sending out her Salamance now. I call Tsareena back and reach down to my belt, thinking. Sylveon would be the best choice, the obvious choice. But my fingers touch the Dusk Ball that holds Tapu Koko. He has a few fairy moves, doesn’t he? I've had him for almost a week but he's still a stranger to me. I fed him a few beans and played with him the day after I caught him, back when I was happy. But then that very same evening…
Ever since then, I haven't interacted with anyone, human or Pokémon. That's probably a sin, keeping a guardian deity in a ball for days and days. He’s probably regretting coming along with me now.
I make a split-second decision and throw the Dusk Ball before Salamance. Tapu Koko appears with a forceful trill. Then I grab my RotomDex, checking his moves. How embarrassing. Anabel probably thinks I have brain damage.
“Okay,” I say. The night I caught him is returning to me a little, and I shove away the memory of green eyes. “Nature’s Madness!”
Tapu Koko performs the move, but It’s not nearly as effective as I expected it to be. I check the move’s description and realize it only halves the target’s health. In the back of my mind, I know that could be very useful for capturing other Pokémon without knocking them out, but in that moment it’s just another reason to be angry.
Fine, I think to myself. Use it twice. Half plus half makes a whole.
“Okay, let’s finish it!” I cry, forcing fake excitement into my voice for Tapu Koko’s sake. “Nature’s Madness!”
Bafflingly, the move does even less damage this time. I check the move’s description in the RotomDex again, trying to figure out what went wrong. Meanwhile, Anabel is probably wondering if I hit the real Moon over the head with a brick and stole her team.
It takes me a moment to realize my mistake. Nature’s Madness halves the target’s existing health, not total health. Meaning it gets weaker every time it’s used. I want to pull on my hair and scream.
And it’s not even about the battle, not really. I’m not going to lose—I still have four other perfectly healthy Pokémon, including a Sylveon with no shortage of Moonblasts. And even if I was, it’s not the end of the world. I wouldn’t have made it this far if I couldn’t handle a loss every now and then.
“Tapu Koko, return,” I say, popping his Dusk Ball open. I drop it into my bag and withdraw the Ultra Ball that holds Sylveon. He chirps happily as he is released.
“Sylveon, Moonblast,” I say, even though I hardly need to. Sylveon knows what to do; we share the same thoughts.
The battle ends.
Now the grown-ups are talking to me again. They want me to help them with the Ultra Beasts, roaming free across Alola. I say yes, because it would be selfish and irresponsible not to help. I say yes even though something inside me is screaming no, no, no.
I tell myself it will help me take my mind off of things, even though I know that is the opposite of what is going to happen.
“We want to ask you to visit the secret labs in the bottom of Aether Paradise,” says Looker.
I want to tell him to forget it, but I don’t.
* * *
I don’t go straight to the Aether Paradise, but I don’t go home either. Instead, I take route five to the Lush Jungle, where I know I won’t have to face anyone except my team.
I release Tsareena first, because her sadness only makes me feel worse. I’ve raised her from a Bounsweet. She doesn’t deserve to be upset because of me for another moment longer.
“I’m sorry,” I say before she even has time to get her bearings. She looks at me with her big pink eyes, then around at the jungle surrounding us. I reach around in my bag and pull out a rainbow bean. She takes it from me eagerly.
“It’s not you,” I go on, because I’ve always talked to Pokémon like they’re people. Tsareena looks up from contemplating the bean. “It’s not you at all. It wasn’t your fault. None of this is your fault. I’m not mad at you, not even a little.” I sink to the ground, cross-legged, and cover my eyes with my hands. But it’s too late. Tsareena’s already seen my tears, and she chirps with alarm.
I didn’t want her to see me cry, but now that I’ve started I can’t stop. I’ve been smiling for such a long time, I realize. I even smiled as the boat sailed away. I reach around for Tsareena’s Poké Ball, intending to send her back so she doesn’t have to watch me sob in the dirt, but I can’t find anything through my tears.
Tsareena’s cool, smooth hand reaches out and touches mine. She snaps the rainbow bean into two pieces and offers one to me.
Once I’m calm, or at least calmer, I look into my bag again.
The purple Master Ball is nestled among the rest. I cannot bring myself to touch it.
* * *
The Aether Paradise shows no signs that anything has changed. There are visitors, as usual, and employees hurrying to their duties. It’s clean and sterile and bright. I wonder how many people even know about what happened to Lusamine.
I don’t go directly to the labs like Looker told me to. Instead, I wander through the building and try to imagine what it must have been like to be born and raised in a place like this. Half palace, half museum, I think most girls would be thrilled to call the Aether Paradise home.
I encounter Gladion in the north wing of the conservation area. I knew he left the motel, but I wasn’t expecting to see him here.
“I guess I’ve got to thank you again for all you’ve done for my family,” he says. “Especially for Lillie. I never knew she could smile like that.”
Then why wasn’t it enough?
Gladion tries to give me Type: Null. I flatly refuse, until he reassures me that this is not his Null, the one he ran away with. It’s another from the failed batch.
I let Null out of his ball to say hello. He is a strange creature, like someone wanted to make their own Arceus by sewing together the parts of four or five different Pokémon. Or at least, that’s the impression I get. I’ve never actually seen Arceus before, except in paintings. I don’t even know if he’s real.
I feed Null a few beans and pet him a little bit so he can see there’s nothing to be worried about. Then I put him away again.
* * *
I do not know what to make of Ms. Wicke; I never have. When I arrive down in the labs, she thanks me profusely for “what I did” for Lillie and Lusamine.
I do not know how to respond.
“Miss Lillie asked me a last favor before she left,” continues Ms. Wicke. “She wanted me to explain to you why she and her mother had to go to Kanto.”
I almost bite through my tongue as Ms. Wicke launches into an explanation of Nihilego’s neurotoxins and parasitic nature, and what the fusion did to Lusamine’s body. I clasp my hands behind my back to keep them from shaking as Ms. Wicke details a book Lillie found about the original creator of the Pokémon Storage System, and how he had technology that might be able to help.
Did she also ask you to explain why she couldn’t tell me this herself? I don’t ask, because I am afraid of what the answer might be.
* * *
“We are not friends,” I inform Nihilego, but then I immediately feel bad. Even for a parasitic monster, that seems harsh. It can’t help the way it was made, and it never asked to come here to our world.
For what it’s worth, I didn’t want to capture it any more than it wanted to be captured. But I couldn’t let it just run around free, could I? The next person it fuses with might not have a daughter who will be happy to leave everything behind to go chasing a cure—
My hands are shaking again.
The Ultra Beast floats before me like a Drifloon. Its odd head reminds me of a beating heart, pulsing soft but steady. If it resents me for capturing it, it does not show it. My hand grips the Beast Ball firmly, ready to press the button and return Nihilego to captivity the moment it makes a move to possess my body.
But it never does. Instead, its tentacles drift in the air like a girl’s long braids.
“Can you even eat?” I ask hopelessly.
It turns out that it can. Nihilego’s mouth is underneath its head, but it doesn’t seem to mind my awkward fumbling. It feels strange and rubbery, but also extremely soft—like someone filled a plastic bag with whipped cream.
That’s how I learn that when Nihlego is happy, it does a soft, graceful spin in midair.
Of all the Ultra Beasts I am to catch, I assume Nihilego is the one I'll hate the most. But when I take it home and show it my room, it picks up one of my old stuffed toys with a tentacle and holds it close exactly like a child would.
I do not hate Nihilego.
But I do hate Pheromosa.
I hate everything about it. I hate the shape of its silhouette, long legs and narrow waist and curtain of gossamer hair. I hate the way it stands with one hand on its hip, like it’s waiting to be impressed. I hate the haughty, cold expression on its face.
And I hate what my RotomDex tells me when I capture it.
“Pheromosa is one of the Ultra Beasts,” it reports as I collect the Beast Ball up from the floor of Verdant Cavern. “It refuses to touch anything, perhaps because it senses some uncleanness in this world.”
I send it to the PC without even saying hello, and I do not feel guilty.
* * *
“You know what the worst part is?” I ask abruptly.
“Worst part about what?” Hau looks up from his malasada. I’ve taken a break from chasing Ultra Beasts to spend a quiet evening at home. Hau and I sit on the side porch together, enjoying the peace. Or enjoying it as much as I enjoy anything these days.
“She wasn’t going to say goodbye to any of us.” I look out to the yard where Nihilego is examining some flowers with its long, soft tentacles. It is faintly luminous in the moonlight. “She was just going to leave. Don’t you think that’s terrible?”
Hau looks torn, and I feel bad for bringing it up. But I have to talk to someone about it. Someone who can say something other than its own name in response.
“Do you think she secretly hated us?” I press.
“No!” cries Hau, suddenly full of conviction. “No, Moon, it wasn’t like that at all! You can’t think that!”
“Then why?” I ask. “Why didn’t she tell us?”
Hau’s shoulders droop. “I don’t know,” he admits. “Maybe she was too afraid we’d change her mind.”
“Would that have been so bad?”
“How would you feel if it was your mom?” Hau looks at me intently. “Wouldn’t you go anywhere to save her?”
“That’s different,” I say. “My mom isn’t awful.”
Nihilego picks a flower and examines it closely. After a moment, it begins to pull off the petals, flinging them behind itself one by one. She loves me. She loves me not.
“How’s Nebbie?” asks Hau. The darkness does not quite hide the surprise on my face. “I mean…I’m writing a letter to Lillie, and I bet she’d want to know…”
She loves me.
“Lunala’s fine,” I say. “Everything’s fine.”
She loves me not.
“Are you sure?”
The flower is nothing but a stem. Nihilego drops it on the grass and bobs off to bother Incineroar.
“Want me to put in a message from you?” presses Hau.
“No,” I say.
* * *
“Okay, Moon,” says Mom at the breakfast table. “Let’s talk about it.”
I look up from my cereal. Today I’m going to Resolution Cave to catch whatever Ultra Beast is hiding inside. My mind is already there, focusing on all the information I gathered yesterday about the creature that Looker and Anabel have nicknamed ‘Glutton.’
“Talk about what?” I ask.
Mom gives me a look. “The way you’ve been treating your team,” she says. “The way you’ve been treating Lunala.”
I suddenly feel like I’m going to throw up.
“Can we do this some other time?” I plead.
“No, Moon,” says Mom. “I know you’re angry with Lillie for leaving you. But that’s not Lunala’s fault. When was the last time I saw you playing with him? It’s been at least two weeks.”
“I want to be mad,” I say, and I feel like a stupid kid when I say it, but it’s the truth. Sadness is just sad. Anger has a certain something to it that makes me feel strong, even heroic.
“So be mad,” says Mom. “You’ve got a right to be mad. Be as mad as you want for as long as you want. But don’t take it out on Lunala, that’s not fair.” Her face softens. “He reminds you of her, doesn’t he?”
“Everything reminds me of her,” I whisper.
Mom gets up from her chair and comes around the table to hug me. “It won’t hurt forever,” she murmurs.
Despite everything, a giggle escapes me. “Is that the best you’ve got?” I tease.
“Oh, stop that, you!” She messes up my hair with her hand, and this time I laugh for real. “I wouldn’t say it if it wasn’t true. I know it doesn’t make you feel any better to hear, but all you can do is ride out the pain. Your team has done that for you so many times, haven’t they?”
I nod.
“So now you need to do the same thing for them.” She takes a step back from me, and from the look on her face, I can tell she doesn’t want to hear any arguments. “And one day you’ll reach for the old hurt and it won’t be there anymore. I promise.”
I was planning on leaving for Poni Island immediately after breakfast. But as Mom walks away from the table, I realize there’s something else I need to do first.
I reach into my bag and my hand closes around the purple Master Ball.