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Two times. Two times Alexandra Danvers knew she was dead. Truly, undeniably dead.
The first time is when she's on the plane to Geneva. She's tired and annoyed and all she wants to do is make it to Switzerland without incident. Alex never gets what she wants. When the captain announces engine troubles, Alex orders the most expensive single malt scotch they have and she orders it neat. Then there's turbulence and she closes her eyes, it's not like she's never felt this before, Kara used to bring her out flying all the time, the point is, Alex trusts Kara. Kara would never drop her. There is no guarantee with this questionably skilled pilot. Her nails dig into the cheap airline seat's worn out leather, she's sure she would have torn a piece out by now if she had not been holding back because she doesn't want to pay this shitty airline for the repairs. Then there's an explosion by her side of the plane, she looks out and finds the engine on the wing of her side is blown out, the fire is large and spreading and metal is falling apart and suddenly she doesn't really care about paying for the price she'll need to pay if she rips the seat apart, the leather tears of easily like gift wrap paper under a child's fingers on Christmas Eve. She pulls back, unable to watch the destruction. The plane swerves to the side, the pilot is talking but she can't listen when she feels the other engine on the opposite side give way too. The plane is suddenly diving for the ocean like an Olympic swimmer on their first lap.
Alex looks to her right because Kara is always at her right, but she sees an unfamiliar face covered in a very familiar emotion. Fear. She's going to die next to a stranger. The plane lurches forward more and Alex can feel more pressure on her to lean forward, so she does because what else is she going to do? She looks out again and yeah, Alex is way too disoriented for her mind to do the proper math but she knows that the fact that they're seeing more and more water more and more rapidly means they're no longer flying, they're not even gliding, they're on the fucking downfall. Plunging so fast they're drilling through the atmosphere. They're tumbling through the air like a paper ball dropped from the top of the Empire State Building.
Simple aerodynamics. Alex wishes she didn't study so hard on this topic when it came up during science class because knowing you're going to die and being unaware are two different things and maybe she prefers being oblivious.
The fall is spectacular, she can feel them descending so fast her head spins, she used to love the adrenaline she got from this type of feeling on roller coasters but it's suddenly like a crushing wave of grief and anger and fear instead of the happiness and excitement she got from those rides. Plus, on those rides, Kara always holds her hand.
Alex closes her eyes one last time and tries to remember blue eyes and honey blonde hair but suddenly Kara's memory is fleeting, barely there. Alex wonders if she can call Kara, which is stupid and ignorant and and where the fuck is Alex's phone?
Before she can steal her seat mate's phone and dial the memorized number the plane evens out. She looks out the window and-
And she doesn't know what she feels about the fact that Kara is outside her window waving as she saves a plane of 250 people.
When all is said and done, Alex is the first off the plane even though she's in the 65th row and is probably one pf the farthest seats from the door, Kara hasn't left yet and when Alex stumbles off the stairs she can see the silhouette of her little sister under the moonlight and on the reflection of the ocean water she thought she was going to drown in two minutes ago.
Alex smiles and Kara leaves.
The second time is during Myriad. It's the end of the world and all Alex can think of is that it's the end of them. Kara and Alex, Alex and Kara. Kara gives her the necklace she always wears and Alex tries to pretend it's not a goodbye gift, pretending when the one you're trying to convince is yourself is way harder than trying to convince someone else. She makes Alex promise to love without her and Alex could never live without her, that Alex would die as soon as Kara's own heart stopped beating but Kara doesn't know that so Alex just nods. The pain is far too loud, it bounces around her scull like a ping pong ball in a room big enough for a mansion and Alex held Max Lord's hand because Kara wasn't there to be with her on this rollercoaster and she's going to die because if-when Kara saves the world Kara is going to die and when Kara dies Alex will die. So she gets on Kara's spaceship because Alex will be damned if she doesn't do anything to save Kara. Save herself. She uses the spaceship to push Kara and herself back into Earth's atmosphere and suddenly she's back in the same position as the first time she thought she was going to die, her plane is crashing and Kara is outside attached to the wing as they free fall. It's bittersweet. They crash in a desert, Alex is guessing Dubai but she's not sure. She gets of the spaceship and empties the contents of her stomach onto the sand, she's sure she sees blood on the throw up but she doesn't want to check. Wincing as she stands to her full height, she sees Kara a few feet away from where she crashed, unmoving and inhumanly still.
Alex must have underestimated the distance between Kara and herself because when she tries to run to Kara it feels as though it's the longest patch of land between her and anything ever.
When she finally makes it there Alex is struck with the finality of death. When you're dead, you're dead. Because even Kara with her smiles that rival sunshine and her god-like powers and her everything can die and she isn't moving. The red cape Kara uses to save people is draped across her shoulders and covers her face, Alex is scared to pull it away but she does it anyway, because Kara deserves that, and when she does she's stricken, Kara's face is not pale and lifeless like she thought it was. It's a little sunken in the cheeks and she's just slightly whiter than normal but she isn't dead and Alex isn't dead and god. Alex has never been so happy to be alive. When Kara wakes up she stands, stumbles a few feet away and throws up. Then she sits back down and goes to sleep again but not without saying a few words. Alex will always cherish those words.