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It’s pretty difficult to hold a grudge in the Ministry. Unless someone does something egregious enough to be kicked out, you’re going to have to face that person at some point, at least if you don’t want to spend every moment you’re out of your room keeping an eye out for them and ducking out the way whenever they enter the library, dining hall, cafeteria, or chapel when you’re there. It would be exhausting to avoid your friends, and that, more than the apologies, is why, after a week of keeping to yourself, you decide to let things go back to normal.
You’re sat in the library with the usual gang – Ryan is helping Natalie with some ritual studies work, Ben is reading a scifi novel, and you’re reading through the requirements to enter the Clergy for the fiftieth time. Or rather, you were. You’ve read the same sentence seven times and you still couldn’t really explain what it was talking about. You sigh and lean your head against your arms.
“You good?” Ben asks, looking up at you.
“Why is this so complicated?” you ask. “It’s like Sister revels in pointless bureaucracy.”
“Oh, is that Clergy stuff? I’m so glad I don’t have to think about any of that yet… Sorry, that’s probably not helpful.” Ben grimaces.
“You only just took your vows,” Natalie mutters, not looking up from the ritual diagram she’s carefully tracing. “Surely you don’t need to decide your path yet.”
“Apparently Primo’s getting fussy about there not being enough new people this year,” you respond. “Cardinal Copia said it would save everyone – him and Papa especially – a lot of hassle if people who are interested could speak up soon. Get the ball rolling or whatever.”
“Makes sense,” Ryan says. “So how are you feeling about it?”
“Don’t know,” you say. “When I first came here I was really into the mission, you know? Like I was a Satanist before I got here, I wanted to serve him – but I just don’t know if I’m cut out for it all. Terzo says I’m capable and they need people with a variety of skills, but… I don’t know.”
“To be fair,” Natalie says, “you’re literally asexual. Half the Clergy’s rituals seem to involve someone being spread over an altar…”
“Just because that’s the only part of ritual studies you pay any attention to…” Ben jokes, and Natalie raises her middle finger at him.
“Well, I can talk to Terzo about it,” you say through your laughter.
“What, talk to Papa about not having sex? I think he’d just take it as a challenge,” Natalie smirks. Your smile falters. Natalie is already turning back to her paper, chewing the end of her pen as she finds where she left off with Ryan’s notes. Ben and Ryan look at each other. You open your mouth to say something, then realise you have no idea what to say. The discomfort sits in your throat like swallowed gum. You stuff your papers back into the cardboard folder you kept them in and stand up, doing your best to smile at the boys before you leave without a word. You glance back as you reach the door – Ben and Ryan are looking at you in confusion; Natalie is oblivious. You hurry out and shut the door behind you.
You lean your back against the wall, the sensation of cold stone through your t-shirt giving you something to focus on other than the gross feeling Natalie’s comment had left you with. She didn’t mean anything by it. It was just about Terzo’s reputation – nothing personal. You take a deep breath, lean your head back, and shut your eyes.
You’re startled by a hand resting on your arm. You open your eyes – Terzo stands close beside you, brows furrowed.
“Caro?”
“Hi Papa.”
“Everything alright?” Terzo’s hand doesn’t leave your arm.
“Yeah, just, um… escaped an uncomfortable conversation. Nothing serious, just a bit… you know, needed to decompress.”
“Someone made you uncomfortable?” Terzo’s eyes narrow. He folds his arms across his chest.
“They didn’t mean to,” you assure him hastily. “Honestly, they didn’t realise – maybe I should talk to them about it later.”
“Alright,” Terzo says. “So long as you’re OK, stellina…” The nickname catches you off-guard, and you look away, a slight blush heating your cheeks. You’re unable to hide your smile. “Oh…” Terzo whispers. “Were you…?” You shake your head. “Then… should I not call you such things when you’re not already…small? Will it send you into that, ah, headspace?”
“It’s… it’s OK,” you say. “I – I mean, it’s nice. Just don’t want to be… like this… where other people might see...”
“Ah… I apologise for flustering you,” he says. Then his voice drops to a murmur. “Mio piccolo…”
“Hey!” you pout, and he laughs.
“Scusa, scusa… but you look so much happier than before! Can you forgive me, tesoro?”
“Hmm… alright, Papa, I suppose so…”
“Grazie, caro,” Terzo says, but you hadn’t finished.
“If…” He raises an eyebrow. You keep your voice to a whisper even though the corridor is empty. “I’ll forgive you, if you finish reading that story to me soon.”
Terzo laughs, and reaches up to ruffle your hair, making you giggle.
“I hadn’t forgotten, I promise,” he says. “I have to run and get ready for Black Mass, but … I’m free this evening. I think I could do with a break, actually – reading to you sounds lovely.”
“I can do this evening.” You don’t bother to hide your grin. “Thanks, Papa.”