Chapter Text
Tom waited with bated breath. Sybil graduated from her nursing course today and he had been sent to York to fetch her. The family was planning on celebrating her at dinner that night and were eagerly awaiting her arrival back home. It was Tom who would see her first, though. He felt hot and cold at the same time as he waited in the hall for the new nurses to be dismissed from their final assembly. Just about everyone else waiting alongside him seemed to be family members – mothers and fathers and siblings of the newly made nurses who couldn’t manage to find seats in the assembly hall itself. Of course, probably none of the other women in the class were the daughter of an earl.
Tom tried to calm himself. He wasn’t quite sure what he would do when he saw her again. He had almost turned in his notice when he’d arrived back at Downton after dropping her off two months ago. Some foolish part of him thought better of it, just in case she might change her mind. Now that he was here he was beginning to think he should have just quit back then. It would be far easier than being around her every day, in love and her never returning his feelings. The doors to the assembly hall opened and the nurses began filing out. All of them were wearing gray gowns with crisp white aprons and neat white caps. As they began to find their families the young women smiled and laughed and looked so happy to see the people who had been waiting for them. Tom craned his neck to see over the figures milling in the hall.
And there she was. Her hair pulled back into a simple chignon at the base of her neck, her gown very much the same as every other woman’s around her, Sybil stood out to him like a beacon. His heart raced as she looked towards him and their eyes locked. The fraction of a second between that and what happened next felt like two or three eternities to Tom. His heart fully paused and every bit of breath left his body. Their eyes were locked and even though the hall was filled with bustling people, Tom and Sybil were the only ones there. Sybil smiled. A rush of relief filled Tom to the brim. She was glad to see him.
Making his way to her side he could finally talk to her. Finally say something to her since he’d confessed his love for her and invited her to run away with him. However, “I hope you’re well, m’lady,” was all he could say here.
“I am, thank you,” Sybil replied. Her smile just about lighting up the whole room. She pointed to the watch pinned to the left breast of her apron. “I’m now an officially a pinned nurse.”
Tom smiled. It made him happy to see her joy at being a nurse. “You’ve done very well, m’lady.”
“Thank you.” Sybil smiled at the compliment but quickly the joy began to dissolve into tiredness. “I must say, I am very much looking forward to being home.” Her voice changing from excited to drained. Tom expected she’d been quite busy the entire time she was here.
Tom smiled. “We’ve all missed you.” And while it was true, the Crawleys talked non-stop of Sybil and acted like her letters were missives from the front, Tom had missed her most of all. Day and night he’d thought of her and every moment was agony. He’d thought about writing her a thousand times, but didn’t dare. He didn’t want to distract or bother her, and part of him hoped that once she saw him again she might realize how much she missed him, too.
Sybil smiled, not seeming to notice the extra meaning in his words.
Tom remembered after a moment that he also had a job. “Where are your cases, m’lady?”
“They’re over here.” Sybil took Tom to a smaller room not too far down the hall where all the departing nurses suitcases were being stored. For the rest of the nurses it was their family who were helping them find and carry their luggage. Amid the cheerful fathers and sulky younger brothers who were helping the nurse in their family, Sybil was the only one standing there with a servant. Sybil pointed to her cases. “Those two are mine.”
Tom picked them up. They were every bit the same as when he’d dropped her off two months ago. “The car’s just outside, m’lady. If you’re ready to go.”
“I am,” said Sybil. “I already said all my goodbyes. I guess it’s just us now.”
Oh, if only that were true. The day was unseasonably warm and sunny for winter in Yorkshire, and it had been dry of late too. As Tom lead her out of the building and down to the street where the Crawley family car was parked he felt her eyes on him. He could have sworn her gaze pierced him, but still he could say nothing. Putting the cases on the ground, Tom opened the door and helped Sybil into the car. Then, he took the suitcases around to the back and began strapping them to the rear. For a moment, a brief moment, Tom felt like he could breathe again. He took longer than was strictly necessary to tie the cases down because he needed some fresh air or else he thought he might pass out.
When he’d gotten his head halfway under control again, Tom came round and started up the car. As chauffeur he wasn’t supposed to speak unless spoken to, but he knew he had to say something before getting back to Downton. Sybil gazed out the window as they pulled away from the nursing school and into the streets of York. Tom supposed she was taking in the place for the last time. As they wended their way through the city Tom mentally rehearsed over and over what he planned to say once they got into the countryside. Sybil continued to gaze out the window so there was no catching of eyes in the rearview mirror to distract him. First, Tom was going to apologize. Not for being in love, but for embarrassing her and asking for so much all at once. He couldn’t even recollect now if he’d said the words “I love you” to her. It had all come out in jumbled rush. He was embarrassed just remembering it. He remembered that he’d suggested marriage which even for a romantic is a bit much right out of the gate. Yes, he would apologize, then he’d reaffirm the strength of his feelings for her. Then let the chips fall where they may.
As Tom turned down a narrow street he had to slow down. The car in front of him was going slow even for the city. The street itself was narrow and bumpy, taking all of Tom’s attention so as not to bust something on the car. Between changing gears and navigating missing chunks of pavement, Tom had his hands full. The car trundled dutifully under Tom’s management and he was able to avoid any potholes or other dangers as they made their way down the street.
Sybil, however, seemed to mistake his quietness for thoughtfulness instead of concentration. “I wanted to talk about what you said when I last saw you.”
Sybil’s announcement just about caused Tom to steer the car into a wall. He jerked his head up to look over his shoulder, then slammed on the break causing both of them to jolt halfway from their seats.
Sybil seemed to realize she’d shocked him. “Sorry, I just think we should talk about it before we get back to Downton. I don’t want it looming over us like the Sword of Damocles.”
“I, uh, I-” Tom stammered as he tried to remember how the hell you were supposed to shift gears. “Can Your Ladyship wait for just a moment?”
Sybil scooted forward in her seat so she could speak to Tom more easily. “I was just wondering if you’ve had time to think about what you said. If you feel differently now that you’ve had time away from me.”
Tom finally figured out how to drive again. He felt like his brain had been scrambled all at once. Thankfully, the narrow road was coming to an end and they’d be on the road to Downton in no time. He could feel Sybil so close to him. He was sure she must see him sweating. All his carefully rehearsed words flew out the window completely, leaving no trace.
“You’ll have to forgive me, m’lady, but I feel no differently now than I did then.” He’d wanted to say something more eloquent, more moving. Something that allowed them both to be spared some of the embarrassment of his artless love confession of two months ago that had somehow had avoided using the word love. But it was not to be. Instead he was just reiterating what he’d said, standing behind it. Was there any man on earth more idiotic than he?
“I see,” said Sybil. She looked down so Tom couldn’t catch her eye in the mirror.
Tom was back to his previous worry. What did “I see” even mean? Certainly not that she had any feelings for him. Once again he was embarrassed, just like he had been two months ago. Here he was putting himself out there for nothing. He believed in taking risks for what you believed in, but if he’d thought he had no chance at all he would have just kept his mouth shut.
Tom navigated the car through the last part of the city and finally onto the open road. They were able to speed up a little then and the main road from York was in decent enough condition. Tom waited to see if Sybil might say anything else, but for the present moment she seemed content to be quiet. Certainly, there was no more to be said on the matter from him. She knew where he stood and she didn’t feel the same. That was it. Story over. In an effort to maybe return their relationship to what it had been before he’d opened his big fat mouth, Tom decided on a change of subject.
“How was your nursing course, m’lady? Did you enjoy it?” Tom glanced into his mirror as he spoke.
Sybil raised her head. Her eye caught Tom’s, but he couldn’t read any message there. “It was a good course, very thorough.” Sybil gave a small smile. “It was different than I thought it would be, a lot more hands on and less reading to people or helping them write home. I mean there will be some of that. But nurses are also expected to assist the doctor with wound care or even surgery if need be. I really learned a lot about the human body that I never knew before.” These last words seemed to be said almost without thinking.
“Like what?” Tom prompted. They were conversing again like they had before. Maybe if he just behaved normally they could get through his catastrophic proposal, was it a proposal? He didn’t recall actually asking her to marry him but he certainly had said something about her family forgiving her and he being able to make her happy. God, what a wreck that was. He was lucky she was talking to him now. If he had a little more shame he might have just run off and changed him name so as to forget all about it.
Sybil went back to looking out the window. “All sorts of things. Such as where all the major organs of the body are, and what all the major systems do. There’s so much to learn about the circulatory system alone. Then there’s the vascular system and how to care for men who have a variety of diseases.” Sybil turned to look back at Tom. “Did you know that more soldiers die of disease than injuries from the war itself?”
Tom shook his head. “I hadn’t heard that, m’lady.”
Oh, it’s true and it’s so awful.” Sybil’s voice became a bit louder as she warmed to the topic. “Gangrene is one of the horrible ones, but there’s so many others that either take men out of commission, or kill them outright. Typhus, typhoid, yellow fever,” Sybil began to list the ones she’d learned about, “tuberculosis, trench foot, tetanus, and then of course there’s syphilis and gonorrhea.”
Tom glanced back over his shoulder in surprise. Mostly because those last two diseases would never be uttered aloud in a house like Downton, let alone by one of the ladies. “It sounds like they covered all the basics,” was all Tom said as he suppressed a smile.
Sybil’s eyes widened as she realized what she’d said. “Please don’t tell Lady Grantham about some of what I just said, it would only worry her.”
Tom nodded with a smile. “Of course, m’lady.” It seemed like just maybe they were finding their way back to before. Except this time he wasn’t going to be stupid enough to mistake a lady’s friendliness for interest.
The topic of what Sybil learned about in her course kept them occupied for a few more miles. They were interrupted when, as Tom turned to follow the road the would lead them back to Downton Village he found it blocked off. “You can’t go this way,” said a scruffy looking man with his cart drawn across the road. “There’s a big mess ahead from an overturned truck. No one can get through till it’s cleaned up which is likely to take all day.”
Tom nodded. “Thank you,” he said as he began to back up the car and turn it around. That would mean taking the other road which was almost twice as long, but there was nothing for it. “I’m sorry, your ladyship, the road was open when I first came through this morning. If there’s anywhere you’d like to stop for a rest along the way, let me know.”
“It’s all right,” said Sybil in her usual calm way. “This is just one last adventure before I go back home.”
“Hopefully not too adventurous,” said Tom, he managed to catch her eye in the mirror again and they both smiled.
“Just give me a moment and I’ll have it up and running again in no time,” said Tom as he stepped out of the car and walked around the vehicle. It didn’t take long to find the problem. His right rear tire was completely flat. The detour road they’d been forced to take was a lot rougher than the main road and from the looks of it he’d managed to pick up a nail. Damn, he thought to himself, and just after he'd taken the spare off the car yesterday so it could be mended. He had a patching kit in the car just in case of things like this, but it was always a pain in the ass to have to use it on the road.
“What is it?” asked Sybil as she got out of the car and came around to stand by Tom.
“A flat tire,” said Tom as he crouched down to inspect the damage. The offending nail was jutting out of the tire at an almost jaunty angle. “It’s not too bad, I can patch it and get it going enough to get home.”
“Is there anything I can do to help?” Sybil crouched down next to him and inspected the tire as well.
“They teach you about car repairs in that nursing school, too?” asked Tom with a smile.
“No, of course not,” said Sybil with a smile of her own. “But I’m not completely useless either. I can hand you things or help to lift something or whatever you need. Just let me know.”
Tom stood and reached a hand down to help Sybil up. “All right then, you get to be assistant mechanic today. Between you and your sister you’ll be putting me out of a job.”
Sybil took his hand and rose to her feet. “I thought you believed in emancipation for women.” Her voice was teasing.
“Now I know what all those men are going on about women ruining their job prospects.” Tom teased in reply.
Sybil stayed by the back tire while Tom went and collected the things he would need which were stored under seats and other various places around the car. Coming back with a jack, a toolbox, a patch kit and an air pump, Tom placed them all on the ground. Then, tossing his cap in the driver’s seat he stripped off his gloves and coat. And while he might just be fooling himself, he rather thought Sybil was giving him a bit of an eye as he did so.
The first step was to loosen the lug nuts, which was by far the be easiest part of the whole thing. It took only a few moments till they were undone to Tom’s satisfaction. Not having a mat to lay on, Tom was just going to have to get down in the dirt. There wasn’t much for it at this point anyway, his hands were already covered in grime from handling the wheel. Loosening his tie and rolling up his sleeves, Tom laid down on the ground to see the best place to put the jack.
“What do you need?” asked Sybil as she bent down to peer under the car.
“Just the jack, m’lady, but don’t bother. I’ll get it.” Tom was about to roll out from under the car, but Sybil was already hoisting the jack and bringing it to him.
“I told you, I’m not useless.” Sybil smiled as Tom took the jack from her and began positioning it under the car.
“I never thought that you were, m’lady.” Tom eyeballed the correct position for the jack trying to keep it to the flattest part of the ground.
“You don’t have to keep doing that,” Sybil said as Tom rolled to his knees and began to pump the jack up.
“Doing what?” Tom assumed she wasn’t talking about jacking up the car.
“All the m’lady stuff. You never used to do it so much.” Sybil picked up the tool box and set it next to where Tom was working before sitting down on the ground.
“I wouldn’t want to step out of my proper place, m’lady,” Tom said with a bit more bitterness than he meant to. The jack made contact with the frame of the car and Tom grunted a bit as he hoisted the vehicle’s weight. He didn’t look at Sybil. He wasn’t sure he could look at her.
“Don’t be like that,” said Sybil. Her voice was sad and reproachful. “I would like us to keep being friends.”
Tom finally got the car lifted enough to get the tire off. Sitting up from his kneeling crouch he doubled checked the jack before turning away from the car. His normally combed back hair was falling into his eyes as he looked at Sybil. The pair looked at each other. “It would be dishonest of me to go on being just a friend when I want so much more. You want us to be only servant and mistress to each other, and this is the only way I can do that.”
Sybil picked up the toolbox again and handed it to Tom. “I’ve never thought of you like that, I thought you’d know me better than that. I value your friendship, I just can’t promise anything more than that.”
Tom looked up from rummaging through the toolbox. “Can’t, or won’t.” He was trying not to wear his hurt feelings on his sleeves, but he was failing miserably. In the last two months he’d told himself a thousand times, maybe even a million, that there was no hope and he just had to behave normally. So far it wasn’t going well.
“Look,” said Sybil a little more forcefully, “I didn’t invite any of your attention. I didn’t flirt with you or make promises or do anything that might give you the wrong idea. And besides, I’m still not completely sure what it is you do want. You didn’t say anything about marriage or love or romance so excuse me if I’m a little confused about it all.”
Tom cringed inwardly and a flush of embarrassment washed through him. He really had fucked it up, hadn’t he. What had he been thinking? He hadn’t been thinking, that was the problem. What if she’d said yes back then to whatever the hell he was offering her at that moment, was she just supposed to run off with him then and there? Was she supposed to go on with her training and he just leave her and not see her again for two months? No, all he’d been thinking was that she was going away and he had to say something before it was too late.
“All you said was that my parents would forgive me eventually and that you’d make something of yourself, which isn’t saying much of anything, really,” Sybil continued.
“Well, it seems I made a fool of myself in more ways than one,” said Tom as he realized he already had the lug wrench out. He wasn’t trying to be bitter, or defensive, it just kept happening.
“I’m not laughing at you,” Sybil pointed out. “But I would like to know what you meant.”
Tom shifted to his knees and began loosening the lug nuts all the way off. “Is there any point in me humiliating myself again? I don’t think better phrasing is going to change your answer.” Sybil was quiet for a minute and Tom looked over at her. A weird sort of hope beginning to bloom in his chest. “Will it?” he asked.
“I didn’t say that,” said Sybil. “I didn’t say anything.”
“But you didn’t say no,” said Tom, laying aside his wrench and forgetting about the tire completely.
“I just want to know what you really meant. Will you tell me that much? Please?” Sybil was looking at the her hands avoiding Tom’s eye.
Tom nodded, the hope filling him with a new confidence. “All right.” He might as well have it all out like it should have been in the first place. “I’ve been in love with you for a long time now, and I think you feel the same about me. I wouldn’t have said anything at all if I didn’t think so. I want you to marry me. I know your family won’t like it but I’m sure they’ll come around in time. And I will do anything, anything at all, to make you happy.”
This wasn’t exactly the ideal romantic proposal with him kneeling in the dirt and covered in grease. And even though he laid out his case more clearly, and did manage to use the word love, it was still an ineloquent mess of a proposal. Tom watched her face carefully, looking for any sign of hope. Sybil looked up and finally met his eye. And there it was. Tom could see it, he didn’t have to be told. There in her eye was the sign he’d been wishing for. She loved him too.
“That’s all quite a lot to take in,” was all Sybil said.
“I mean every word of it.” Once again he was back to being sincere and forgetting himself. “I love you more than life itself. And I know you love me too. Why else would you want to hear it again now, when you already knew what I meant? You love me, please don’t deny it.”
“I don’t think you really understand what you’re asking of me,” said Sybil.
Tom looked away from her and picked up his forgotten lug wrench. “I know I’m asking a lot, but I’m willing to give even more. I think the two of us together means anything is possible.” Now that he’d said all those things about love and marriage, and Sybil was still acting very cool towards the whole idea, embarrassment was starting to creep back in. Tom focused on getting the lug nuts off and for the next few minutes there was complete quiet between them. Finally, the tire was free and Tom stood to pull the wheel off the car.
Dropping the tire behind the car, Tom came back to where Sybil was sitting and crouched down to rummage in his toolbox again. Despite the cooler air, Tom was working up a sweat. He reached up to loosen his tie even more but Sybil stopped him. “I’ll do that for you.” And before Tom could say one way or another, she had taken hold of his tie and loosened it enough to pull it off over his head. “No need to get it dirty,” she said as she rolled it up and put it on her lap.
Tom found himself blushing. He also knew that he was right. Apparently his love confession had not fallen on deaf ears. She may not be willing to say how she felt right now exactly. And being stranded on the open road was exactly the most romantic of spots, but Sybil loved him. She only had to be brave enough to say it. The thought filled him with light and every dream he’d dreamed of her over the last few years suddenly felt very close to coming true.
Tom didn’t really remember what else they talked about while he went through the arduous task of patching the tire, but he did know that Sybil would one day be his and that thought carried him like a current through every annoyance and scrape he endured as he dismantled the tire to place the patch then put everything back together again. As they finally managed to make it back to the open road the miles veritably flew by and Tom was filled with a supernatural kind of assurance that one day Sybil would be his wife.