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Do you really believe those days didn't mean a thing?
'Cause I'm still believing, that means everything
Matt's mouth ran dry as he tried to think of something to say… anything… to convince Karen to stay, but his body betrayed him. His throat was too tight - his mind too rattled to allow him any clarity.
"Take care of yourself, Matt." Karen's words were clipped. Even if he could have found the right response, she didn't wait to hear it.
The hope that he'd been holding onto since he caught the first hint of her heartbeat outside the courtroom, fled with her. He felt dizzy with despair and tipped his head back against the wall to ground himself, the dark hole inside of him threatening to pull him back to an abyss he'd only managed to claw his way back from a few months earlier.
He forced himself to take a deep breath in through his nose… and suddenly his attention was drawn to what she'd left behind.
His heart stuttered as his fingertips touched the cold, familiar metal. The sounds of the courthouse around him faded, leaving only the sound of his own blood rushing in his ears.
For a long moment, he sat there, paralyzed… then the words she'd spoken finally sank in.
I found this at Josie's. I thought you might want it.
He thought of her holding it. Rubbing her thumb across it the way he was now.
A year, he licked his lips. She kept it all this time… did she know, that somewhere, sometime, she'd give it back to him?
He closed it in his hand and felt a desperate pull in her direction, a war waging inside of him - Stay, or go after her? Respect her wishes, or… and then something else occurred to him.
She was lying when she said she didn't want to go somewhere with him…
For one long breath, time seemed to stand still… then he shot off the bench and in three long strides pushed through the door, listening closely for her heartbeat.
He turned right, walking as fast as he dared - she was down the next hallway, pressing the button to call the elevator. He couldn't miss this chance.
The doors slid open and she waited as a handful of people disembarked, then she stepped inside and touched one of the buttons.
He ran.
The elevator began closing as he turned the last corner...
"Wait!" he stuck his arm into the narrowing gap. The elevator responded, the doors reopened, and he stepped on, breathing hard.
He heard Karen's heart stutter; felt the heat in her cheeks as they flushed. "Matt, I-"
"Please," he interrupted as the doors slid shut behind him. "Please, Karen. Please hear me out."
The elevator began its descent, but Matt needed time. He reached out and read the braille on the panel, pressing the STOP button when he found it.
"Dammit, Matt." He could feel her anger, and his name came out with a deep weariness that he understood all too well. "Goddammit," her lip trembled and she brought a hand up to cover it.
"Karen," he pleaded softly and risked a small step towards her. The thought of her leaving again without an explanation… without a real goodbye, was more than he could endure. "Please," he took a deep breath; readied himself for the fall. "You're wrong if you think I'm doing well."
She inhaled a shaky breath, a tear hovering momentarily, before falling down her cheek.
"I wake up every morning angry and alone." He clenched his jaw as the familiar feeling bubbled to the surface. "You left and-"
"What was I supposed to do, Matt?" she laughed without humor and threw her hands up in the air, letting them slap back against her sides.
"I know. I pushed you away. I wasn't-"
"Yourself," she interrupted, finishing his sentence for him. She crossed her arms, closing herself off from him the only way she could. "I know…" her tone was bitter. "You said."
The relative quiet of the elevator settled between them. For once, Matt had no trouble tuning out the background noise of the courthouse. Being with Karen for the first time in almost a year overrode everything else.
Her steady heartbeat, even elevated with emotion, soothed something inside of him. He'd begun to worry that he'd forgotten what it sounded like, but now, with Karen in front of him, her heartbeat was as familiar to him as his own... And he never wanted to be without it- without her- again.
The seconds ticked by as they stood facing one another, and the air began to pulse with nervous energy. Karen uncrossed her arms, clenching and unclenching her hands. When she took a deep breath, Matt braced himself.
"What should I have done, Matt?" her voice burst out with anger and frustration. "You were everything!" she shouted. "You… and Foggy… I loved you, and I loved him… and I watched him-" she cut herself off with a shudder, her chest heaving with each breath. "You abandoned me," she cried.
Her words hit him like the lash of a whip, and he took a step back, the blood draining from his face. His ever-present shame roared to life.
He answered quietly, his sadness on full display."You're right, Karen. I did."
She inhaled sharply, her shoulders going momentarily rigid, before slumping. She leaned back against the elevator wall, letting the tears fall unchecked down her face. When she spoke again, her voice sounded small… broken. "You made me feel like everything we built, everything we had together, was nothing."
"Is that what you think?" he asked, with quiet incredulity. "Do you really believe that you mean nothing to me? That us… together… wasn't everything?" He didn't wait for her to respond. "Because I don't."
He stepped forward, surprising her. Her heart jumped and she reached for the hand-bar for support.
"You changed my life- you made my life... Without you, there's nothing... Life means nothing when you aren't here with me."
She didn't respond, but even after all this time, he knew what she needed. He reached up and took off his glasses.
Karen inhaled sharply and he felt a change in her immediately. The rhythm of her heart shifted - no longer banging against her ribs, it took up a swifter cadence - one he knew from years of loving her - like the fluttering of a bird's wings.
"Tell me it meant nothing to you," he said softly, tucking his glasses into his jacket pocket, "and I'll go. Restart this elevator. Try to restart my life."
Her lip trembled, but she didn't speak.
He took another tentative step forward and reached towards her. "I love you, Karen… I still believe. In you… in us." He took a deep breath, his voice barely more than a whisper. "Don't you?"
She bit her lip, fresh rivulets pouring from her eyes.
Matt held his breath, his own heartbeat so loud, he was sure she must be able to hear it. The moment stretched on... so long that he suddenly felt a sinking feeling in his stomach. Has it been too long? Is it too late?…
And just when he worried that all hope was lost, she gave the tiniest of nods and a whispered, "Yes."
He let out the breath he'd been holding in relief, and brought his other arm up just in time to catch her as she crashed into his chest. She sobbed against him, squeezing him in a hug so tight that he had trouble breathing, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered besides this. Besides her.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," he murmured, over and over again.