Chapter Text
Ilya is not the biggest fan of music, of course he likes it, like any sane person would. He is just never super picky or really diving into the subtext or meaning of the lyrics. If the song has a good beat, that's all he really needs to enjoy the song.
He has listened to a few Noah Kahan songs before on the radio or whenever, but truly that all changed when the man released The Great Divide.
Gordie (howe) God ☑️ @ilyaroz81
@NoahKahan be warned! I am coming for you
It truly was all fine. Ilya had a great life, except for the fact that the guy he thought he was falling in love with just ran out on him and his entire living family were complete assholes. Why did he feel like every song on this album was created to point out each and every single flaw in his life?
Gordie (howe) God ☑️ @ilyaroz81
Current midnight mood: Have you ever shared some closeness, so exposed to have it spit back by someone? So, forgive me if I jump
Sveta: what is going on honey!
Sveta: please just answer me!
Gordie (howe) God ☑️ @ilyaroz81
Current midnight mood: Have you ever shared some closeness, so exposed to have it spit back by someone? So, forgive me if I jump
↳ i am sorry i scared everyone. I am okay!
If a song wasn’t about the man he so desperately wanted to love him back but had made it abundantly clear that he couldn’t or wouldn’t, it was about his mother or his family.
Gordie (howe) God ☑️ @ilyaroz81
@NoahKahan did you do this on purpose! Be honest
↳ fun fact I was actually born into a record snowstorm in moscow
Only three songs in and he is bawling his eyes out at Downfall. This is almost exactly what he feels like on a loop. He hates Shane for how he left in a rush of stumbled words and his clothes. Sometimes Ilya doesn’t think he will ever see those sweatpants again, which is a shame because they were one of his favorite pairs. Then the next moment he is trying to come up with a plan to win his Shane back.
It's only been a few months since Shane left, which isn’t a long stretch of time by any means, especially since they truly aren’t even acting all that different from what they had been doing between their hookups. Ilya sometimes likes to think that this isn’t actually happening and that the next time they play Montreal, he will invite Shane back, but this time make sure there is only sexual intimacy. This idea was hard to continue once he saw the news that Shane was dating Rose Landry. He was already thinking about Shane a lot, and now he and his new relationship are everywhere. It is making him sick, and Ilya thinks he might actually never move on.
Gordie (howe) God ☑️ @ilyaroz81
So call me when it goes to shit I'll be keepin' the house the way it was
I won't rub your face in it I swear I won't tell anyone
I don't mind being your dead end think it's fine to never move on
Well fuck me Noah!
Rose: Have you seen your rival going through it on his Twitter?
Rose; he is being very emotional over Noah Kahan's new album
Rose: I mean, there are some strong pieces in it but to put it all out in the open is an interesting choice
Shane: Huh?
Shane: Thats weird, he is not super emotional from what little I actually know about the dude, of course.
Gordie (howe) God ☑️ @ilyaroz81
Well @NoahKahan what was the point of lighthouse, to make me cry from my mother again, seriously!
Ilya didn’t know why he kept listening to this goddamn album, especially when each new song struck a deeper chord. He worried that one of these songs was going to strike a little too deep and he would break. But yet something inside him needed to keep listening, and maybe it could actually help him once he recovered, he innocently thought.
Gordie (howe) God ☑️ @ilyaroz81
And your love is like an open flame, I'm a runnin' car, and you're a closed garage
↳ is this what you thought or had been thinking when you ran
He loved Boston in a way he hadn’t felt since his mama died. It was his home; there might have been a few moments where he thought that might be changing. That his feeling and sense of belonging were shifting from a place to a person. However, he is starting to believe that he won’t be lucky enough to have that again, now that the only two people he cared for left him.
Gordie (howe) God ☑️ @ilyaroz81
If staying still wasn’t so sad, I would be blasting this shit in the locker room every day
↳ but damn do these lyrics hit more than I originally thought.
↳ Sleepin' in a bed half empty, daydreamin' All love must leave, oh, but search for it I will
Gordie (howe) God ☑️ @ilyaroz81
Like, damn, @noahkahan, did you also have someone run out on you too with these lyrics “I'm racking my brain for the one line that would change your mind”
Marly: Hey so you good bro
Marly: do you wanna come over and hang
Ilya: Im good, just listening to some music
Marly: yeah i know bud
Marly: your twt is a little concerning not ngl
Marly: were you dating somebody?
Ilya: oh yeah so noah got me more in my feels than i liked to admit
Ilya: but sometimes it is like he inside my head
Ilya: but i promise, I'm fine, I'll get over it eventually
Gordie (howe) God ☑️ @ilyaroz81
Do not listen to Noah’s new music if you have a complicated family relationship, just trust me 😭
Truly, Ilya did think Noah had some sort of recording device planted in his life because, what do you mean, all of these songs have related to him in numerous different ways. Why is every song about leaving or a toxic family? Can’t Noah just create a happy song about how great hockey is or something?
Gordie (howe) God ☑️ @ilyaroz81
I am willing and able to shove this stick down your throat @noahkahan
Connors: ok so maybe take a break from twt at the moment
Connors: or maybe the album
Gordie (howe) God ☑️ @ilyaroz81
I have been advised to take a break from the album so im gonna go listen to some of his other music
↳Call your mom was the first song that played when i shuffled. Why do you insist on making fun of me noah. I wish I could.
Connors: or maybe just noah in general
Ilya: No thank you, I will not be taking any more suggestions from you in the future!
Gordie (howe) God ☑️ @ilyaroz81
How can one song singularly be about me, my family, and the one who ran away! I dont understand your sorcery, Noah!!
↳dashboard might be the song that finally does me in
Ilya knows his relationship with his family is not the best, and it is a spot of shame for him. He sees the happy family life everywhere he goes, how brothers and sisters talk and hang out with each other. He wishes sometimes that life could be like maybe it would be if his mother were alive. They were best friends growing up, in that way all siblings are. Constantly hanging out, playing around and laughing. When Mama died, that changed everything and they both went down very different paths dealing with their trauma. Since Alexi was older, he immediately turned to drugs and alcohol to quiet that ache, but it didn’t help Ilya the same way, so when he got older, he turned to sex. Both his brother and his father resent the choices he has made and even the ones that were out of his control. You cannot please everyone, trying to will only hurt yourself in the long run. Ilya knows this but still anytime his family calls, he answers, and it takes a little bit of him every time. Ilya worries soon there will be nothing left.
Gordie (howe) God ☑️ @ilyaroz81
I wish my brother would stay gone sometimes!
All Ilya had ever wanted was to be loved, his mother loved him so much, he thought his world was complete then. Once his mother was gone, he felt like he was adrift, searching for something he could never find, not until he left for America. He has had a lot of hookups and connections over the years but never anything strong enough to break down the walls he had built ever since his mother left. While Ilya knows why she killed herself and that it doesn’t really have anything to do with him, finding her body still does a lot to a child's psyche. Sometimes Ilya thinks his mother didn’t love him as much as he loved her, because why would she choose to leave him if she really did love him? While he wanted someone to fill the hole she left in his heart, he also never wanted someone to ever do that to him again. Somehow a boy with the cutest freckles started to break down those walls just by introducing himself. Now he was left here with a hole in his heart again, but this time there really is no excuse.
Gordie (howe) God ☑️ @ilyaroz81
Sometimes all I want is the porch light to be left on for me
↳I am cold and I am alone but I ain’t holding my breath
Shane: are you okay?
Shane: I’m sorry for how i left things
Shane: i saw your tweets
Gordie (howe) God ☑️ @ilyaroz81
Yes please!! Finally a song about hockey. We are definitely gonna drop these gloves!!
↳ where is the rest of hockey? You are making me sad again noah
Why the hell was Shane trying to text him? Ilya is currently in the stage of a breakup where you absolutely want nothing to do with the asshole who broke your heart but desperately want to touch and talk to them. So Ilya, feeling a bit vindictive, decides that he is going to hurt Shane by not replying to his text. That’ll show him, Ilya thinks. Then headed north is the next song, and of course he thinks of Shane. Because truly it was shit before, but at least Ilya got a few moments of happiness every few months when they had a game. In an effort to anger Shane further, he posts this small snipe at him and his cottage and how he won’t make it to the playoffs.
Gordie (howe) God ☑️ @ilyaroz81
I hope you're bored and headed north sooner rather than later! #lose
↳ also Noah I do really want to floor the Cybertrucks with you!
Ilya doesn’t miss Russia because the government was going in the wrong direction and most of the people there that he knew only pissed him off. What he did miss was the things that Russia provided him. The ease of speaking without having to overthink if he was saying the right translation. The traditional foods that Mama used to make, but since then just found little family restaurants for. He missed the way people said his name, it was small thing, the changes but there is just something about your name being said the proper way instead of the English bastardization of it. There is one person in his life who can give him some of this home comfort that only a best friend can, Svetlana Vetrova.
Gordie (howe) God ☑️ @ilyaroz81
We go way back @svetavet I love you and how you remind me of everything that we came from. My bestie, the only one that has never left me!
Sometimes Ilya wishes he had a different family. A family that laughed with each other and could talk about things without fear. Sometimes he wishes Sveta were his sister or that Alexi never existed. He wishes for so many things that could’ve never happened, because then he wouldn’t have become the person he is now. No matter how sad or unhappy he can get sometimes, he loves himself for the most part. He loves getting to play in the NHL with the Bears and his teammates. He loves the times he has spent with Shane; even with how it ended, leaving him devastated, he still wouldn’t change a thing. However, it's those moments when you're lying in bed and you can’t fall asleep but you can’t get up either when Ilya considers these alternate lives.
Gordie (howe) God ☑️ @ilyaroz81
The family trauma in the Kahan household must go wild if these are the songs we're getting. Damn!!
Ilya thinks he needs to learn how to shut the fuck up. He has always had a loud mouth. It has often gotten him into trouble, but he usually could work his way out of it. He had a certain charm after all that worked out in his favor most days. Whether fighting his way out at the club or sweet-talking officials on the team or affectionately chirping refs. His words failed in more ways than one a few months ago, when he broke one of the unsaid rules that he and Hollander had. He had said “Shane” in the heat of the moment. He thought everything was fine and was, in fact, filled with bliss when Shane called him "Ilya" for the first time. However, he quickly realized something he did was very wrong. It wasn’t until much later that Ilya realized what actually scared Shane off, and he has hated his loudness since. His anger towards the situation and the subsequent girlfriend did not help matters, though. Sometimes no matter how badly you want something to happen, it just won't, and that tears him apart.
Gordie (howe) God ☑️ @ilyaroz81
This ain't mine anymore, I made too much goddamn noise
↳I am truly always alone
Shane: but you didn’t make to much noise
Shane: I just got scared
Ilya: fuck off back to your movie star girlfriend and leave me to my depressed singer
Shane: I didn’t want to admit I was gay but I am
Ilya: how does your girlfriend feel about that
Gordie (howe) God ☑️ @ilyaroz81
Oh, look, babe, even God is tryna warn you All this ain't for you
↳but I'm an astronaut, you're the Moon
↳ fuck it, If I'm gonna lose you either way, I should make some noise
Ilya: You know what? I’m not sorry that I said your name and its a stupid reason to leave. We were having a nice time and I honestly wanted something more real to happen but now I see that can’t happen.
Shane: we obviously weren’t compatible, we broke up
Shane: or she broke up with me because she could tell
Ilya: wait what
Shane: oh
Shane: I am truly sorry for how I left, that wasn’t okay, i just panicked
Ilya; yeah I could tell
Shane: I have missed you though and regretted what I did
Ilya: I would sure hope you regret it
Shane: asshole
Ilya: you could’ve loved it but no you wanted a girlfriend
Shane: well what if I want a boyfriend now…
Ilya: …
Shane: if i truly did hurt you too much, I understand
Ilya: моя любовь
Ilya: yes it hurts but I think it would hurt me even if I let you go this time!
Ilya: I am even more excited for the all-star game next week!
Shane: I can’t wait to see you in person!
Ilya: and do more things, hopefully. 😜
Gordie (howe) God ☑️ @ilyaroz81
I would like to dedicate Dan to my best friend @svetavet! Would you be interested in camping but switching the miller light for some nice Russian vodka.
↳Svetlana @stevavet
Ilya what are you talking about, you would hate camping.
Ilya never knew how much such simple decisions could change his life, saying a name out loud, listening to a new album, or deciding to tweet about it. He wanted to tweet about it because he was hyperfixating on things and just needed to vent. He didn’t know how much his life could change by voicing his opinions, he thinks he should do this more. In Russia, speaking your mind was not allowed, especially in his family Even if it was hard, these songs gave him the littlest of courage to say what he needed to to Shane. He never could’ve imagined that Shane would want him back! Ilya is the happiest he has ever felt in his life right now, with pure unfiltered joy. He might even call Orbiter his favorite song, especially now that he has the person he wanted to circle. Ilya needs to listen to the album a few more times to fully declare it, but he feels like it's a sure bet.
Gordie (howe) God ☑️ @ilyaroz81
Silly spotify, you skipped a few of your own but that's okay. I forgive you because it hit at just the right time, so thank you!
↳I truly did feel the spiral of the earth when you finally called me yours.
Gordie (howe) God ☑️ @ilyaroz81
I knew well I knew hell and now I don’t!! мой тревожный щенок❤️