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Festival season has become less and less exciting for me as I get older. Every year it's the same carnival food, the same dunk tank, the same decorations. Others have tried to tell my mom to change things up or at least spruce up the signs and repair any equipment that needs fixing, but she insists on keeping everything the same since I was a kid. When you're a little girl, the ferris wheel looks exhilarating. Now, it just feels like another broken toy to play with.
It's a cruel joke how this town tries to act like nothing happened. Even my own parents are in on it. Maybe they figure to themselves that if Hometown stays as close to as it was to when Dess disappeared, she will come back someday as if she never left at all. Part of me used to think that too. Now though, it just feels so pointless. Without Dess and without Kris being there for me, there is no Hometown. I may as well be living in a town that doesn't exist at all.
I try my hardest to push down the negative thoughts as I get ready. This year the Festival should be different. I'm going on a date with Susie. A week ago, I would have been jumping out of my socks with excitement. But now I can't shake this feeling of dread that has overcome me since having that ring placed around my finger. I could only watch those piercing red eyes as my entire body froze up. My thoughts were laid bare in that moment. Ever since then, I haven't been able to feel fully alone.
But I want to be with Susie. And so I press on, collecting myself and stepping outside to face the world. I walk around, making sure I don't talk to anyone else. There is nobody else I want to talk to right now. I'm worried they might be able to read my thoughts too somehow.
"Hey," Susie says with a toothy grin.
Even if she's just wearing the same tattered clothes that she usually wears, she still looks beautiful. I wish I could be there for her more often. It would be nice to go on a shopping date together and I could watch her try on all the stylish outfits I know she'd want to wear if she had the opportunity to.
I wave back to her, trying my best to hide any trembling in my hand.
"Kinda surprised Kris isn't here, thought I'd see them around by now," Susie remarked.
I am secretly relieved that Kris is absent. Even though they insist I'm getting stronger, the thought of being around them right now terrifies me. I know that if I am with them, I'll hear that guttural low growl of a voice again. It doesn't sound like Kris's.
I manage to extend my hand, my hand without a ring on any of my fingers, out to Susie and silently invite her to hold it. I can see a faint blush on her face as she clumsily reaches out to accept my offer. Our hands feel nice interlocked together. Being with her is one of the rare things in this town that I haven't experienced yet.
Neither of us say very much as we walk around the town square. I'm not sure if I could tell her what's on my mind without scaring her. Susie is the one who is supposed to protect me when I'm scared. Even if I am stronger, I don't know how I could possibly comfort or protect Susie if the roles were reversed. The thought leaves me sick to my stomach.
We stop at one of those cheesy attractions designed to test a couple's love for one another. Supposedly, if you're able to ring the bell at the same time, that means that you two are destined to be together. Or something. The idea that a carnival game knows what love is is laughable to me, but then again, I'm not sure I know what love is myself. I thought I did at one point.
Susie seems interested in trying it, so I agree to play it with her. She doesn't seem to understand the rules though, as she instead rushes to swing her hammer before me. I let out a small laugh as she insists that her going first means she beat me. Instead of correcting her, I merely take my own swing. The force I hit the platform with is more than enough to send the weight flying to the top, loudly ringing the bell.
"Woah, I didn't know you had that in you!" Susie exclaims, sounding genuinely impressed.
"I'm stronger than most people realize," I say back.
We move on to a booth advertising the Festival King and Queen voting. She makes a remark that she'll write herself down as the King and write me to be her Queen. I smile and go to do the same, although I'm overcome with the thought of writing another name instead. When I was little, I wrote Kris and I's names one year. I don't know why I was so sad when we weren't announced the winners. I wasn't even love with them. I was just a kid. And yet, this sadness is now compelling me to write Kris's name down once more, as if it would make up for losing all those years ago.
I tell myself that I am not in love with Kris. I am in love with Susie. I should know this to be true in my heart, but lately it feels as if I am being forced to think otherwise. I hurriedly scribble a name down and shove it in the box without looking. My mind is so frazzled that I don't know if I wrote Susie or Kris. Either way, I hope Susie takes it as a sign that I love her.
After a bit of walking, Susie gets distracted by the smell of cinnamon rolls and says we should get something to eat. I tell her that I am not hungry, but that she is welcome to order anything she wants.
"Oh, uh, thanks, but I don't really have any money right now…" Susie says.
Every time I am reminded of how little Susie has in this world, my heart breaks even further. A girl like her deserves more. She certainly deserves better than I do. I reach for my purse and pull out my wallet. I plan on only giving her only five bucks or so, but I hastily decide to hand over everything I have on me at the last second.
"Woah, you could buy like a hundred grape sodas with that!" Susie laughs.
Her laugh is so wonderful. Hearing it always brings a smile to my face, even now. I hope she knows that the few moments of happiness I've had in my life lately have all been because of her.
I worry this might be lost on her, as her smile fades into a nervous look on her face.
"It's sweet of you to offer, but uh, seriously, I don't need that much money," she insists.
My first thought is to tell her to take it just in case but I stop myself. In case of what? I can't answer that question, and it worries me. But maybe it's for the best that it goes unanswered.
Susie smiles once more after we start holding hands again. I really hope she's having a nice time with me. I want her to feel loved and cared for. I want to see that same glisten in her eye as when we were together in Queen's castle. I wish I could fondly remember that adventure, whatever it was, without the guilt over what I did to Berdly lingering in the air.
Trying to think back to all of the weird things that happened over the last couple of days causes my mind to blank, as I suddenly find myself entering a ferris wheel ride with Susie. As I internally question where the lost time went, I feel the need to be close to her right now. I don't even look outside, I just calmly rest my head against her shoulder. Susie is so warm. Laying my head against her body feels so right that for a brief moment, I forget that everything is wrong.
I forget about the pressure my mom puts on me to be the perfect daughter. I forget that my dad is sick and could collapse at any moment. I forget that my sister is missing. I forget that anything ever went wrong with me and Kris.
Susie tries to place her hand over mine and accidentally pricks herself with one of the thorns on my finger, and I am reminded of all the ways I feel helpless, lost, and trapped once more. I try to make sure that Susie doesn't notice. I want her to remember this ride as being peaceful and for her to not think about pain. I wish I could do the same.
I love Susie so much that it hurts. Part of me used to worry that I was too obsessive, and that it wasn't healthy for me to think about her so often. But what else would I have to think about? Kris would always leave me crying in fear at the pranks they pulled on me as a little girl. I don't want to think about how I felt on the ferris wheel with them again. It wasn't until that Dess reassured me that everything was going to be okay that I could calm down, but now I can't look back on the fond memories I have of listening to my sister play the guitar either without shuddering at the thought of what could have happened to her when she went missing.
Those memories hurt to think about now.
They hurt like a thorn jabbing into the side of my finger.
The pain swells from my finger and courses through my entire body. I am in agony as I am overwhelmed with the same terror I felt yesterday. I don't know why I'm so afraid. I'm supposed to be getting stronger. I want to cry and scream out for Susie to come and save me. I want her to be the hero of the story that is my life so badly. But I don't cry or scream. Instead, I merely take a deep breath.
I am at the lakefront now. The sun is going down and the shadows of the trees are obscuring my face. I don't know what time it is or how it could have gotten so late. But Susie is here with me, smiling and laughing. I can tell that she is in love with me.
I wonder what I could have said or did to make her blush the way she is now. I hope we kissed. It leaves me with unbearable grief that I will never know what really happened today. My experiences were robbed from me, just like how my sister was robbed at her chance of growing old. I know now I'll never get that chance either.
"I'm gonna go get some ice cream, you want anything?" Susie asks.
My chest hurts as it suddenly feels harder to breathe, but I manage to utter a response.
"I want Kris."
The words do not feel like mine as they escape my mouth. I don't think they are, but there is nothing I can do about it now. They've been spoken into the universe and they will come true. My prayers for my family won't ever come true, but this will. The Angel hates me.
"Huh?" Susie responds in confusion.
"I want Kris to meet me here. At the lake."
"Oh, uh, okay? I'll go check on them," Susie says.
I try to fight back whatever it is taking control of my life and making me give into my darkest desires. I don't know if there's actually a malevolent force involved or if this is just my grief manifesting itself into an ending I can't escape from.
I manage to say one final thing to the love of my life.
"I'll miss you."
"I'm just getting ice cream," she says.
Susie is so full of hope that it makes me want to cry. I can't bear to see the innocent smile on her face right now as I turn around and face my oblivion. I know what is coming. I know what I will do once Kris gets here.
I hear footsteps as Susie begins to walk away. I stare at the water and weep once she's far enough to not hear me. It isn't until I hear footsteps again that my eyes are dry.