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After the most eventful and emotionally exhausting night of their lives, filled to the brim with love confessions, Ilya is sound asleep on Shane’s chest. Unfortunately, Shane’s mind is ever racing, and he lies there all night continuing to think about their future plans.
He finds himself excited for the life they’ve begun imagining for themselves. A life where he would be free to interact with his… with Ilya in public without fear of scrutiny. Because they would be accepted as business partners. Friends.
Shane had briefly broached the possibility of doing a mental health focused charity for Ilya’s mother, who he now knows as Irina. It seemed to really please the man, that they might be able to help others in need as they simultaneously navigate their new relationship status.
But as he gently strokes the hair near Ilya’s temple, he can’t help the way his mind wanders back to their previous conversation. He had described Irina as someone beautiful, and brave, yet sad. At that moment, Shane was more focused on comforting Ilya, but now that he has time to think about it, he begins to replay everything. The way Ilya’s eyes filled with tears, his breathing got uneven, and his gaze refused to shift away from the firepit.
Shane thinks about how he could also describe Ilya as being beautiful, brave, and sad. Is it possible that he too has depression? Or something similar? Has he ever thought about taking his own life? Has he ever tried?
Shane can’t help but worry about their future together. He thinks about how easily Ilya can make him feel safe and calm. What if Shane can’t be that for him back though?
What if Shane isn’t what Ilya needs for his mental health and something bad happens?
As though he knows what’s happening in Shane’s head, Ilya shifts in his sleep and tightens his grip around Shane’s torso, comforting him subconsciously. Instantly, Shane calms down.
He silently vows to do extensive research on depression and suicide, which he would technically be doing for the charity anyway, but more importantly, he wants to be ready to support him if it ever comes to that.
For now, Shane is going to bask in the warmth of Ilya’s embrace, and try to be positive about their future together. He continues stroking his hair for what feels like hours.
Eventually Ilya stirs awake.
~
Ilya can tell that Shane isn’t asleep right now, despite his best efforts to regulate his breathing. It’s almost cute how he doesn’t realize that Ilya can see that stiffness in his face, concentrating too hard.
But he doesn’t want to ruin Shane’s efforts so he just goes along with it. Either way, he feels good at the moment, oddly comfortable. He can’t remember the last time he cuddled someone in bed, or felt so safe in someone’s arms.
Mama, he thinks. The last time would have been over a decade ago, with his Mama.
All the excitement of the day isn’t enough to drown out the pain of missing his mother. Suddenly, Ilya realizes that so much has developed in the past 24 hours, and she doesn’t know about it.
Sometimes Ilya will talk to Irina, imagine that she is the sun watching over him, holding onto his every word. But regrettably, it’s been a while since they’ve spoken.
With a peek out the window, he knows that now is the perfect time to catch her, so he gently peels off the blanket and tiptoes around the cottage to the backyard. He looks to the sky to see where the sun will rise and walks over to the lake. There are some big rocks that seem comfortable enough, so he sits down and waits.
He thinks about Shane inside, pretending to be asleep. Is he wondering what I’m doing out here? Does he think I’m weird?
Ilya doesn’t have more time to dwell on any of that though, as he sees the first break of light over the horizon of water. Without thinking too hard, he lets the words from his heart pour out, silently communicating with Irina.
‘Доброе утро Mama. (Good morning Mama.)
I am so sorry for not talking for so long. I missed you very much, but I have been hurting. It has been so hard, and so lonely Mama.
But today I have good news for you. There is a man, Shane, who I love dearly and for whatever reason, he loves me back. He is so boring but he makes me feel so happy, and warm, and safe.
Sometimes I think I want to just put him in my pocket like a little bug, so I can keep him with me wherever I go. You used to say the same thing about me, and I never understood you back then but I do now. I want to hold him close forever. My little Shanebug.
It does not make sense, but I know in my heart that you are responsible for this. I don’t know how, but you found Shane for me didn’t you? You found my Солнышко (Sunshine) and sent him to take care of me. I know it. I feel it. Thank you, Mama. Я тебя люблю. (I love you)’
Ilya sits in silence for another few minutes, admiring the view now lit up from the sun. He allows the heat to evaporate the tears that had gathered in his eyes, as a mixture of love and pain continues to pound in his chest.
~
Shane watches from the window, wanting to give Ilya his privacy but also wanting to be within reach in case he’s needed. He doesn’t really know what’s going on, only seeing Ilya’s back, and yet Shane feels connected to the moment. As though there is a string from one’s heart to the other’s. Waves of love and sorrow pulse in his chest.
At some point, he notices Ilya shiver, and soon after, start to rub his arms.
This, Shane thinks, is his cue to break the seal of the moment. Dutifully, he prepares hot choco as fast as he can, and wrangles up a throw from the couch. Within minutes, he’s quietly joining Ilya on the rock, offering him a warm cup and wrapping the blanket on his shoulders.
They both sit in silence, huddled up together peacefully and sipping their drinks. At some point, Ilya puts his empty cup down and whispers.
“I miss my mama sometimes.”
Shane doesn’t hesitate before reaching over and holding onto Ilya's hand.
“I wish I could’ve met her.”
Ilya looks over to him with the most devout expression, and then nods up to the sun in the sky.
“She listens.”
With that, Shane takes a deep breath. He hadn’t considered that Ilya would talk to his deceased mother in this way. But knowing about it feels precious, like he’s being trusted with an incredibly fragile piece of Ilya’s heart.
He doesn’t believe that Irina would have any way of actually being here, or hearing the words spoken, but he’ll pretend anyway. If it means a lot to Ilya, then it means a lot to Shane.
“Hello Mrs… um” he clears his throat, trying not to dwell on the fact that he’s already messing this up “Irina, hi. I’m Shane. Hollander. Shane Hollander. I don’t know what Ilya told you about me, but I’m a hockey player. One of the best actually. We usually disagree on who’s actually number one, but between you and me?” He whispers as though telling a secret even though Ilya can definitely hear everything “I think he might have me beat. Because he’s not just a talented player. He also pushes me to be a better player- a better man, everyday. He’s so beautiful inside and out. I know he gets that from you, so thanks.”
Shane opens his mouth again to continue talking, but is interrupted by Ilya getting up to leave. He watches the man fix the blanket and gesture for Shane’s empty cup, but neither of them say anything. Ilya’s blushing lightly, maybe from the cold, maybe from the compliments, but either way, Shane doesn’t force him to stay.
He waits to hear the backyard door click shut before turning his attention back to Irina. It’s then that Shane realizes something. Somewhere along the way, he started to feel her presence. He started to believe he was really talking to Ilya’s mother, and not just mumbling up at the sun.
And now, he feels compelled to ease her mind. He needs Irina to understand Shane’s intentions with her son. Needs her to feel peace, knowing that Shane is here now.
“I know you’ve probably been watching over Ilya this whole time, and I’m sure you’ll continue to. But I just want you to know that you don’t need to worry about him anymore. We may have a long way to go, I mean I don’t even really know what we are right now. But I’m here now. And I’m gonna take care of him. Always. No matter what, I promise to stay by his side and protect him from any force that comes his way. I’ll be here, on Ilya’s team until the end of time itself… as long as you’re okay with it of course.”
Shane feels a bit silly when his next thought hits him, but he voices it anyway. It’s just him and Irina out here, so there’s no need to feel embarrassed.
“I don’t know how this all works, so forgive me if I’m asking something impossible of you. But, could you maybe give me some sort of sign? An acknowledgement or token of your blessing? Just so that I know that you approve of us being together.” He thinks for a second before adding “I’m not sure that I would be able to walk away from Ilya if you didn’t approve, but I would feel better. With your blessing that is.”
And then he holds his breath and waits for something to happen. It’s stupid, he thinks, to sit here expecting something to happen just because he willed it to. To talk to the sky and hope that a woman who died a decade ago would do what? Write a message in the sand? Send a really big wave to graze his feet? Make a rainbow suddenly appear?
That last thought actually makes Shane chuckle. It would be fitting, a rainbow to say that it’s okay her son loves another man. He hadn’t considered it earlier but what if it’s not even about Shane himself, but she doesn’t like gay people in general? Or what if the gay part is fine but it’s Shane specifically that she doesn’t like for Ilya?
He doesn’t know which would be worse.
After a couple minutes of overthinking the whole thing, when Shane starts to fully believe himself to be delusional, does an abnormally strong gust of wind blow through the air. All the nearby trees rustle from the force and a singular white flower floats all the way over and lands right by Shane’s feet.
Looking around, he can’t seem to find any plants in his own backyard or even across the lake that have similar flowers growing. It must have come from very far away.
Carefully, he scoops up the flower and looks up to the sky one last time. “Thank you, Irina. I promise to take good care of him.”
When Shane reenters the cottage, he can immediately smell breakfast being made. He walks over to the stove where Ilya has just finished making eggs, scrambled for himself and an omelet for Shane.
He lightly tugs the plate out of Ilya’s hands to place it back on the counter, silently asking for all of his attention. Then, Shane tucks the stem of the white flower into Ilya’s curls, and plants a soft kiss on his cheek.
“Thank you.”
Ilya shrugs “It’s no big deal. I was hungry, I make food.”
Shane shakes his head slowly with a lovestruck expression on his face. “Thank you for trusting me with her.”