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Lupe was ready for the day to be over. As she emerged from the subway and bitter winter wind stung her face, all she could think of was crawling into bed with Jess and warming up beside her. She tugged up her scarf and picked up the pace to get back home.
Trudging up to their sixth-floor walkup, Lupe grumbled under her breath and leaned against their door jamb, now sweaty under her layers and dying for a shower, trying to fish her keys out of her jacket. It was the sixth winter they’d spent in New York now but her body still refused to adjust. Jess, with her freakish Canadian blood, teased her for it constantly. Lupe knew she never meant it, though, because she still brought her extra blankets, re-warmed her coffee, and held her hands between their bodies for a moment on a safe, empty street all without a second thought. If the love Lupe felt for her in those moments could keep her body warm, she’d never feel the frost bite at her again.
She finally managed to unlock the door, shedding her jacket to pile it onto their shared coat stand, absent mindedly steadying it with a free hand as it threatened to tip, its legs shaky, the way it always did in the winter with their heavy coats.
Toeing off her boots and looking up to holler that she was home, she suddenly went still.
The apartment was pristine, the oven was on, and their meager kitchen table was set with a silver candleholder she’d never seen before, the white tablecloth they never used, and her favorite set of plates. Those were one of the first things she’d bought after she and Jess had gone steady, its addition making their tiny, run down place start to feel like a home. It had a painted motif around its rim that reminded her of Talavera pottery, which her family had a collection of when she was growing up. She typically kept them stored away, too scared of breaking one to use them.
“Jess?” she called out, unwinding her scarf and breathing hot air into her hands as she walked past the table.
Then she heard it: the shower was running.
She tiptoed forward and carefully turned the knob, a grin growing on her face when she realized Jess was doing that stupid thing she always did - singing to herself as she rinsed off, water gargling in her mouth so the notes came out muddy and garbled.
Jess didn’t hear her, but a pang of fondness stopped her from completely scaring the shit out of her.
“Hey, Doris Day,” she quipped, stepping inside and raising her voice over the sound of the water but trying not to be too loud.
Still, Jess yelped and Lupe half-winced, half-snorted when she heard something bang against the ceramic wall.
“You’re home!” Jess shouted happily, then after a moment, “Lu! Fuck! Shit! Wait wait wait,” still yelling, wrenching the water off and almost tripping over the curtain as she stepped out, hastily grabbing a towel. Lupe giggled, hopelessly endeared despite not knowing what the hell was going on. Jess slung the towel around her neck and grabbed Lu’s shoulders. “Close your eyes!” she said, her face stuck halfway to horrified, “No, wait, stop! What did you see? Did you go into our room? Please tell me you didn’t go into the bedroom, Lu, oh my god.”
“I didn’t! I didn’t, Jess,” Lupe answered, laughing, trying to reassure her. She cupped her cheek and gave her a peck. “I didn’t see anything.” She paused. “Okay, I saw the mysteriously clean apartment and the fancy table situation you have going on out there, but nothing else.”
Jess groaned and hung her head, pressing her hand against Lupe’s. “It was supposed to be a surprise,” she said. “What time is it?”
She checked her watch. “Half past seven.”
Lupe saw Jess’ tight jaw and smoothed her hair back, kissed her forehead gently, then her cheek for good measure. “I’m still surprised, Jess. I mean, I have no idea what the hell you’re up to,” she smiled. “Believe me, I was so confused when I saw how clean the apartment was.”
Jess huffed a laugh and loosened up, kissed her back easily. “Yeah. I wanted to see your reaction, though. I was gonna be all gentleman-like and show you to your seat right when you got through the door and everything.”
Lupe grinned, wondering what could call for such ceremony. She narrowed her eyes. “It’s not our anniversary,” she said.
“It’s not our anniversary,” Jess echoed, a small smile playing on her lips again.
Before she could ask, though, Jess straightened up and seemed to shake herself off, and Lupe recognized it as the way she got when she set her mind to something and wouldn’t let up. “Okay. Go sit on the couch and close your eyes. And don’t peek! I’ll know if you peek!”
Lupe grinned and backed out of the bathroom, pulling Jess’ towel with her at the last second and running to the couch, hearing an indignant screech, yelling over her shoulder, “You better dry off nice and proper before we eat! Can’t have you dripping all over the tablecloth!” before throwing it back at Jess, who’d chased after her in all her nakedness. She laughed again when Jess glared at her, but started drying off again as she walked away and turned into the bedroom.
Jess peeked around the corner a moment later, a grin high and wide on her face, but only to chastise Lupe with a short, “Close your eyes!”
Lupe rolled her eyes but complied, the intrigue of the situation only increasing.
She strained her ears when she heard Jess shuffling around, going from the hall to the kitchen and back again, once banging her shoulder on the corner the way she did when she was moving too fast and paying too little attention, placating Lu with a quick, “eyes closed!” and going to make more noise with the oven.
Lu squinted her closed eyes when she heard a cupboard open and close and wondered what could’ve been in there.
“Hey!” Jess scolded. “Stop trying to figure it out!”
Lupe smirked. “It’s not my fault you don’t know how to keep it down, man.”
She could hear Jess glaring at her with the way she said, “Not my fault you got freakishly good hearing.”
She couldn’t help laughing, rolling her eyes behind closed lids. “Are you almost done?”
“Yeah, hold on. One more thing,” Jess said, her voice moving back in the direction of their bedroom.
Finally she heard socked feet coming to her place on the couch, felt Jess take her softly by the hand and pull her up. “Keep your eyes closed,” Jess whispered.
The air shifted, and she no longer felt the urge to tease. Though it was only a few steps to the kitchen, Jess twined their fingers together and guided her carefully to her seat, murmuring a quiet direction to sit.
Lupe felt along the edge of the table, cautiously lowering into the chair, shifting to center herself as she heard Jess take her place across from her.
“Can I open?” she asked.
“One second.”
The sharp strike of a match cut through the silence and she jumped slightly. A moment passed, then another, and she felt the wind of Jess shaking the match out.
“Okay,” Jess said. “Open.”
Lupe blinked a few times and saw a long, white candle now placed in the silver candleholder, its flame burning tall and bright between them. She looked ahead and took in Jess, her hair now rightly pulled back in its braid, hair still damp. She had on a crisp, dark blue collared shirt she’d never seen her wear before.
Lupe swallowed. “You look nice,” she said, then laughed a little nervously. “Shoulda told me there was a dress code. I’m underdressed.”
The corner of Jess’ lip tugged up but she just nudged a knee against Lu’s and said, “No, you look nice, too.” Then added, in a lovingly jokeful way, “I love the way you smell after a hard day’s work.”
“Jess!” Lupe laughed and kicked her under the table. “You’re just telling me I smell like sweat.”
Jess chuckled, admitting, “Yeah, a little.” Then her shoulders dropped slightly and she said quietly, “It reminds me of Rockford.”
The mention of their summer there swelled sweet and bitter in Lu’s throat. She moved to hold Jess’ hand on the table and furrowed her eyebrows. “Is everything okay?” she asked, nerves starting to flutter in her chest.
They’d spent so much time now apart from those novel months of professional baseball, a once in a lifetime opportunity, that it often felt like a dream. They still kept in touch with some of the girls, but over time they reminisced less. It hadn’t been a deliberate decision, and that experience was still fiercely precious–it was the thing that had brought them together–but eventually their lives in New York had just picked up. Once they knew the league was never coming back they’d had to move on. Sometimes the pain of remembering what they’d had, what they’d never have again, was too sharp to linger on, but sometimes talking about the shit that happened that summer brought them to tears of laughter and happy nostalgia.
This, though, Lupe didn’t know what it was about, and Jess’ serious sentimentality rang alarm bells in her head.
But Jess’ face just moved slightly and she nodded, bringing Lu’s hand up to kiss her knuckles. “Yeah. Better than I’ve ever been.”
Lupe softened and acquiesced. “Sap,” she said fondly, then couldn’t help herself but ask. “What’s the occasion, then?”
Jess gulped, almost comedically, answered, “I’ll tell you after dinner. It’ll get cold.”
Lupe raised an eyebrow and made a face that made Jess laugh and shove at her before letting go of her hand. “Stay there,” she said, standing, fixing Lupe with a warning stare. Lu only raised her hands in defense and let Jess whisk their plates away.
She waited patiently as Jess plated their dishes, the familiar smell of a home cooked meal making her realize she actually was starting to get hungry.
Jess slid back into her seat, but her hands were empty and she clasped them tightly atop the table.
“Okay, I wanted to wine and dine you and charm you endlessly and then do this at the end, but I think I should do it now,” she rushed out. “Is that okay?”
Lupe breathed out a half-laugh cautiously, seeing now how nervous Jess really was. “Yeah, of course. I mean, I don’t know what I’m agreeing to, but yeah. And Jess, cariño, don’t worry. I’m endlessly charmed by you already,” she told her, hearing her voice go sickly sweet with how sincerely she meant it.
Jess tried to smile and bit at her lip instead. “Okay. Close your eyes, baby,” she said, hushed and tender.
It melted Lu’s heart a little when Jess got like this, real vulnerable and open for her.
“Again?” she couldn’t help but tease.
Jess scoffed and complained, “Lu, come on.”
She grinned and closed them, holding her hands out when Jess asked her to.
The edges of a box slid against her palms. It was not too wide, long, and somewhat thin. She tilted her head to the side as she moved her hands up and down it, brought it up to her ear and shook it just to make Jess laugh, which it did. She smirked, satisfied, and asked, “Can I look now?”
“Yeah,” Jess said, and Lupe’s face twitched when she heard how strangled her voice came out.
She opened her eyes and saw Jess staring at her with a look of intense concentration, refocusing on the box after a moment when Jess nodded her chin at it.
It was a plain black box, no writing or symbol on the front, but it had a finish to the surface that made it look expensive. Lupe swallowed again and pulled the lid off, her stomach flipping when she saw what met her eye.
A silk tie, expertly folded and knotted, was nestled neatly inside. It was black, velvety soft to the touch, and had a thin silvery striped pattern. Pinned against it was a sleek silver tie clip with a subtly engraved design. What made Lupe’s breath catch, though, was the thin gold band hooked on the clip with a folded note below it.
She put the box down and glanced up at Jess, who she saw had wide, shining eyes and a hand pressed tight against her mouth. Lupe held a hand out to her on the table and blew out a shaky breath when Jess grabbed it quickly and fitted their fingers together.
“Read it,” Jess whispered.
Lupe took the note out carefully, feeling a jolt run through her when she accidentally jostled the ring.
She shook the note open and flattened it on the table, feeling like her heart might beat out of her chest. She squeezed Jess’ hand and started to read.
Lupe,
Do you remember the only time we talked about marriage? It was in the spring a few years ago. I said something about Vi and Eddie, how that could be us when we got older. You got kind of quiet and said, “Yeah, that’d be nice. But it isn’t in the cards for people like us.” I knew what you meant. You were thinking about what happened that night when Jo was there. I was too, and realized there was no point considering it.
In a lot of ways, it’s true. It’s not meant for people like us. Not in the way the rest of the world sees it.
But in every way that counts, I’m yours and you’re mine. The rest of the world’s got nothing on two dykes in love. Being married won’t make that any more or less true. Nothing could ever change that.
Being honest, though, what I can’t stop thinking about is the ring. It’s such a small, stupid thing that’s been made into this grand idea of love, which I don’t get for the most part, because why do you need a piece of metal to prove it? Lesbians have been proving their love without it forever. But what I like about it is the idea of having a physical reminder of you with me, always. Feeling it there when I wash my hands, dig subway tokens out of my pocket, light a cigarette on our smoke break at work. (I know this is idealistic. I was thinking about wearing it on my right hand just so I could keep it on all the time, but maybe when I’m out I’ll wear it around my neck instead.)
There’s another thing, too. I want to call you my wife. And I want you to call me yours.
There are few words that can describe what you mean to me. Funnily enough, brother is one of them. Hermano. When we met in Rockford and started calling each other that, it was the first time I’d felt understood, and understood another person, so truly. I’d known other butches, but with you it felt so different. There wasn’t any posturing, we just saw each other as we were and pushed each other along when we needed it. (It helped you were so goddamn flirty, also unlike any butches I’d been friends with before. Such a tease.)
The other is another one you taught me. Cariño. You called me that the first time we kissed, and you know how embarrassed I got at how sappy it is when you told me what it meant. It grew on me pretty fast though, and it showed me something else important- that being soft isn’t a bad thing. I learned that actually, being soft with you is something I’ll never take for granted. I’m so sweet on you that you just open me up in a way no one else does. It was scary at first, but it’s one of my favorite things now.
You’re gonna laugh, but I actually had this dream where we were married. And I heard dream-you call me your wife, and dream-me called you my wife. When I woke up I couldn’t stop thinking about it, because like you know everything about being called a woman has been lukewarm at best for me. And I know it’s weird for you too sometimes. But in this dream it wasn’t weird. It felt so right. And it wasn’t about being a woman or being a housewife or any of that bullshit. It was just us, knowing we were meant for each other, telling each other with this one word how true and solid our love is.
Maybe those are silly reasons for getting married. Maybe you don’t want to, and that’s okay too. I just wanted to really make sure you knew how much you’ve changed me, and how much you mean to me. You’ve shown me a way of living I never thought was possible.
The rest of the world never wanted us to find each other. They didn’t want us to fall in love, or call each other hermano, or fuck, or hold each other when we really needed it. But we did it anyway. And that’s why I think marriage can be for us too, if you want it.
For six years I’ve loved you and I can’t wait to keep loving you for all the years to come. (I’m rounding up. Five years and 10 months didn’t have the same ring to it.)
Your always,
Jess
P.S. I can’t wait to see how you look in your tie. You’ve never owned one but I sometimes catch you staring at them in shop windows. I know you won’t be able to wear it out that often, but I bet you’ll look so goddamn handsome.
P.P.S. My ring is in my pocket right now. I’ve been carrying it around all day wondering how it’ll feel when you put it on me. If you say yes. God I hope you say yes. Okay, go answer me, I’m probably about to pass out right now.
Lupe hastily wiped at her face, cascades of emotion crashing into her like unrelenting waves against a shore. Overwhelmingly was the love she felt for Jess sweeping through her. She reached carefully into the box and pulled the ring loose. She looked up then, saw Jess’ face set frozen in uncertainty, and her heart clenched viscerally at how raw she appeared.
She held out the ring with shaking fingers.
Jess didn’t move. “Yes?” she asked.
Lupe smiled, watery and wet and tender. “Yes,” she answered.
Slowly Jess moved to take the ring, both of them pausing to huff out a laugh when neither could keep their hands steady. Jess managed to hold Lu still and pushed the ring carefully onto her finger. It shone beautifully in the candlelight.
Lupe let out the breath she was holding and motioned at Jess. “Now you,” she said.
Jess blinked and went shy when she realized what Lupe meant, digging in her pocket for her own ring. She held it out on her open palm.
Lupe picked it up, the band warm from Jess’ body heat, and smiled when Jess gave her hand over. Lu lifted the ring up, her smile growing so big it hurt when she saw Jess’ face go honest and excited as she slid the ring home.
Not a second passed before Jess stood and tugged Lupe up, stepping around the table to hold her close and nose against her cheek, pressing their foreheads together.
“I now pronounce us wife and wife,” Jess whispered, her adoring smile wide and true.
Lupe followed along, grinning, full to bursting at the love she felt. She leaned into Jess and whispered back, “You may now kiss the bride.”
And so Jess did.