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My father never talked a lot
He just took a walk around the block
'Til all his anger took a hold of him
And then he'd hit
“Got any money?” Gabe demanded as soon as I entered the house. Our little guy secret, he called it.
I kept my head down and trudged on, knowing I needed to stay away. He reeked of beer - best not to annoy him too much. It never ended well for me.
‘I’m fucking talking to you! Learn to respect me… Or else…”
Ah. There it was. Well, I was doomed anyway. “Or else what, Gabe? You’ll hit me? Won’t give me food? Nothing new there, is there? Same rusty old ideas”
“Rusty and dusty like you and your brain,” I added under my breath. He heard it. Of course he did.
“What did you say, boy? ” He roared. Or attempted to. I think it sounded pathetic.
“I said…”
My mother never cried a lot
She took the punches, but she never fought
'Til she said, "I'm leaving, and I'll take the kids"
So she did
“Mom?”
But she shook her head, telling me to keep quiet. I needed to behave so that Gabe would allow us to go to Montauk later. I hated that word - Allow - as if he controlled us. As if he owned us.
“Still waiting on that dip, Sally!” the dirtbag yelled from the living room.
“Coming right up… You’re sure we can leave after this, Gabe?” she called back, her voice steady.
But I knew what I saw - she’d flinched. She’d jerked back impulsively.
I don’t know why I thought he’d keep his promise...
Jesus, how long had I not noticed for? How long had I convinced myself it wasn’t true, because it couldn’t be?
********************************************************************************************************************************
Two months later…..
“Sally, get me the goddamn dip!” he yelled, so reminiscent of that day two months ago…
“I could run him through with a sword?” I offered, voice calm. Face probably a bit murderous.
“I don’t need anyone to protect me, baby. Especially not someone who I’m supposed to protect,” She said as she ruffled my hair. Then she winked at me, her face morphing into something more… devious.
“Coming, dear. Special Surprise Dip”
I say they're just the ones who gave me life
But I truly am my parents' child
“Son of Poseidon, Earthshaker, Strombringer…”
Son of Sally Jackson.
“Percy Jackson”
*******************************************************************************************************************************
During the Titans' Curse:
Nico asked me if Annabeth was a daughter of the goddess of wisdom, shouldn’t she have been smart enough not to have fallen off a cliff?
I wanted to strangle him.
And that made me stop - there was chaos all around, and Annabeth was gone.
But that made me stop.
I wanted to hurt someone, someone younger, someone innocent.
Gods....
Was I turning into him?
Scattered 'cross my family line
I'm so good at telling lies
That came from my mother's side
Told a million to survive
“Percy? Baby, are you okay? Are you hurt?” my mom sounded so worried, so sad.
She’d come home early from work and seen 9-year-old me trying to bandage a cut on my arm.
I couldn’t say I’d bumped into the door this time.
‘I’m not hurt mom.. Really. I fell trying to skateboard. I'm alright, I swear. Really. I’m gonna go out for a bit.”
I felt horrible. But she couldn’t know. She couldn’t.
I awoke, sweat soaking my covers. I wasn't there. I was in camp.
I wasn’t there.
*******************************************************************************************************************************
I heard my mom's voice, so soft, so…. Broken.
“Please, Gabe. Keep him out of this. He doesn't need to know. He shouldn’t. Keep this between us”
“Mommy?”
“Honey, go back to bed. Mommy will be there in a while. I'm alright, I swear. Go back to bed, sweetie”
Something I’d blocked out. Something I’d heard as a kid, and now it was coming back.
I’d been so stupid. So ignorant.
Of course, she told me that. He made me say the same thing to her.
Of course, we’d both believed the lie.
Scattered 'cross my family line
God, I have my father's eyes
“Seaweed Brain….. Your eyes”
Annabeth sounded awed. “What?” I wasn’t paying attention, focused on feeling out our coordinates, stuck in the middle of the sea.
“They’re… changing colors. They look like the sea”
Oh. Another thing I’d inherited from Poseidon, then.
“Do I look fin-tastic?” I asked, smirking at her. She laughed and threw a piece of wood at me.
********************************************************************************************************************************
“Let's see how much misery Misery can take.”
“Percy…. Your eyes”
Annabeth sounded distressed. I stopped. I’d sworn to myself I wouldn’t make people afraid of me. Wouldn’t be like him. Like them.
“What?” I asked, panting, power still coursing through me.
“They’re… glowing. They look like her poison”
Poseidon’s eyes. A blessing and a curse.
Eyes that inflicted fear. Eyes that reminded people of power. Of the gods.
I was becoming someone people feared. Someone Annabeth feared.
“I’m sorry… I’m so sorry”
But my sister's when I cry
Estelle Jackson-Blofis came into the world wailing loud enough to wake the dead. As soon as I got the call, I woke Nico up and demanded that he shadow me to the hospital immediately.
Even Will didn’t scold me.
When I first held her, the world around ceased to exist. There was only her. When she smiled, I quite literally melted.
My little sister could barely move her head, and already had me wrapped around her tiny little fingers.
“Percy, are you crying?”
“Shhhh. They’re so cute!”
I heard them talk, heard the shutter of a camera, but none of it mattered. Estelle had me smitten.
Estelle.
Stella.
Star.
My sister.
“Mom, she’s perfect, you’re… I love you,” I choked out.
“Oh, baby… C’mere,” she said, tugging us into a hug.
“Your eyes look the same. You both have Sally’s eyes,” Paul piped in, patting my head. Voice coarse, but so full of happiness.
And it was true, wasn’t it? Before all this - all the powers, the Gods, the wars.
I had Mom’s eyes.
Estelle’s eyes too, now.
I can run, but I can't hide
From my family line
“It's Percy Jackson, the Son of Poseidon!”
“One of the most powerful demigods”
“He gets power from the Sea!”
Of course, I heard the whispers.
“The son of Poseidon! Capture him”
“You’ll pay for what he’s done!”
“Sea Spawn”
I heard the curses too.
And really, can’t I ever catch a break? Just be Sally Jackson’s son, Estelle’s big brother?
But no, I’m always connected to my godly side first in camp. Maybe that's why I prefer to stay with Mom more these days. Uptown New York, where I’m just the weird kid.
But I would always come back. Camp was like a second home. The campers were basically family.
So if I had to endure taunts and threats for them, I would.
After all, it was nothing compared to wars and doomsdays.
It's hard to put it into words
How the holidays will always hurt
I watch the fathers with their little girls
And wonder what I did to deserve this
I watched Paul play with Stella, toss her into the air, and catch her again. Saw her laugh, completely trusting, yelling, “Again! Again!”
I felt content, happy. But there was always that lingering sense of loss, of something I’d never get but dreamt about every night.
I had Paul now, and Poseidon dropped by once in a while. But it wasn’t the same. It never would be.
Nothing could make me stop feeling a tiny bit of dread during the start of summer and before Christmas. It was… ingrained.
Because holidays meant Gabe.
Holidays meant pretending and lying to Mom. To myself.
What did I ever do? What did any demigod ever do to deserve this?
I shook my head, trying to clear those useless thoughts.
“Paah-cy!!” my sister babbled, reaching toward me.
And all thoughts of holidays were forgotten.
How could you hurt a little kid?
I can't forget, I can't forgive you
The telephone rings, and I know I’m done for. I’d told the teachers that I’d tried my best, but they hadn’t listened. They never did.
Gabe came into the room once he’d finished speaking, looking livid. I couldn’t make light of the situation. It all seemed so… final.
“You worthless piece of crap! How dare you? Now, not only do I have to feed your stupid ass, but also pay for ‘special schools’ because you have 'special needs'. Needs my ass. You’ll learn to behave, and that's it!”
And all the while, he’s reaching for the belt on the shelf, and I can’t breathe. He wouldn’t, would he? Gabe hits me all the time, but this?
I wake up as the glass of water beside me shatters.
Estelle is lying on top of me. I hold her tighter and pat her back when she wrinkles her forehead - a telltale sign that she's going to cry.
I’m in Mom’s apartment, on the couch. He’s not there.
I hate that I’ve faced countless monsters, Gods, and fucking hell itself, but that this idiot still scares me.
I don't think I'll ever forgive myself for that.
'Cause now I'm scared that everyone I love will leave me
“You’re sure you’ll be back in 3 days? And that you don’t want me to come with you?” I ask, hands restless, fidgeting with my necklace.
“I’ll be fine, Seaweed Brain. Really. You need to stay with your mom. She needs your help when Paul is away”
She knows why I’m so anxious. She feels the same.
But we have to learn to work through it.
Not everyone who’s supposed to love you leaves. That’s only the Gods.
I’m trying to make myself believe that.
Oh, all that I did to try to undo it
All of my pain and all your excuses
Poseidon came to congratulate Mom and visit Estelle. His way of loving us, I figured.
But then he started trying to threaten Paul subtly. I couldn’t believe the nerve he had.
“What do you want?”
He looked bemused. “Want? Percy, I want nothing. I came to visit your sister. Visit you.”
“Walk with me,” I said, and opened the door before he could retort. I didn’t need to drag Paul and Estelle into this. Mom would understand.
He followed without question. Surprising.
“So why are you threatening Paul?” his eyes widen, but I go on. “I can see clear enough. He’s a good guy, Dad. You can stop… whatever you’re doing”
“I’m just looking out for you. I care, Percy, I truly do”
I laughed. It sounded bitter even to my ears.
And something in me broke.
“Looking out? For us? Where were you when Gabe was hurting Mom? Where were you when he was making her life hell? Where was all your care then?”
He looked stricken. Guilty. No use feeling remorse after it happened. “The Laws - Percy, you know I couldn’t come,” he nearly pleads.
But Gods don’t plead.
“I spent my entire childhood hiding bruises from Mom. Trying to change myself. Fit in his mold. But I could never do anything right.”
I feel the sea. She’s getting angrier as I go. I try to contain it. I need to calm down.
No use causing a tsunami.
“I tried-” he attempts to speak. But for once, he needs to listen.
“You know why? Because nothing I did was ever right. Because my existence wasn’t right. I could be the most well-behaved child in the world, and it still wouldn’t have been enough.”
“Percy -”
“So I decided it didn't matter. We learned to protect ourselves. We’re good at it too. So don’t you dare tell me that you care and you’re ‘looking out for us’. Please”
I breathe. Close my eyes. “I didn’t mean to yell. I’m sorry.”
“Zeus would have -”
“Please, just leave”
I was a kid but I wasn't clueless
(Someone who loves you wouldn't do this)
“Do you think he ever loved us? At all?”
It was a quiet evening. Paul had taken Estelle out. It was just Mom and me, and I was lying on her lap.
I didn’t need to explain myself to her. She knew.
“Sweetheart… “
“Mom”
She sighed. “No, I don’t think so. He might have cared for a second here, a second there. But no. That wasn’t love”
“I thought so too, you know? When you first introduced him to me? He was so polite when you were around. Then it all disappeared when you went out.”
“I’m so sorry, Percy… His stench - it kept the monsters away. I thought it was worth it. I thought…”
“No, Mom, I know that. You don't need to apologise. You know that's not what I’m saying.”
“I never thought he’d hurt you. Oh, baby. I -”
“But that’s just it. I thought so too. I was sure he’d never touch you…” I swallowed. “That he wouldn’t hurt you if I… if I behaved.”
“I hated him from the minute I saw him. I knew adults weren’t supposed to tell you to keep secrets from your mom. But I thought he might help. That if he were around, you wouldn't have to pretend you were full and give your food to me.”
“Turns out we might have been better off if I’d trusted my instincts and screamed.”
A single drop fell on my arm.
“I’m so sorry…” Mom's voice was steady, as it always was. But her eyes glistened with tears.
“Mom, no. No, no, please don’t cry.” I sat up, pulling her into a hug. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have brought this up”
She wiped her eyes, never one to wallow in her sorrow. Then pulled me closer and pressed a kiss on my hair.
“I love you, baby. I love you so much”
All of my past, I tried to erase it
But now I see, would I even change it?
Nico laughed, looking at Estelle as though she were the most precious thing he’d ever held.
"Ni - o," Estelle gurgled, and Nico's face lit up, reminiscent of a long time ago.
That set off a spiral of thoughts - Nico laughing, asking questions, babbling on and on about Mythomagic.
Of a time when it seemed impossible. Of him cold and distant. Hating me. Telling me about the Styx.
Of handing me over to Hades.
I’d tried to strangle him then, yelled at him. Accused him of betraying me. I didn't stop to think there might be more to the story than I could see. That there was his side of the story too.
But I’d tortured myself about it. About what it meant that my first answer was that when I’d spent the better part of two years trying to protect him.
Feared I was becoming someone better off dead.
Maybe surviving Gabe made me a better person now. Not perfect, but he certainly made me think for a minute before I did anything stupid.
But given the chance to change everything?
I’d do it in a heartbeat.
If it meant erasing Gabe from Mom’s life, I’d give up my entire life.
Might share a face and share a last name, but
(We are not the same)
Stella was sitting on my lap. Pure happiness radiated off her as she watched the magic show.
I was holding Annabeth’s hand as she leaned on my shoulder.
Bang.
I reached for Riptide in the blink of an eye.
When I finally managed to force air into my lungs, I noticed the warm weight on me.
Estelle.
She was shaking with laughter.
The noise was a part of the act.
I reached for Annabeth’s hand and squeezed it.
We were safe.
Safe. (what a curious word - what does it even mean?)
Mom was staring at me, her face the picture of concern. Paul reached out to squeeze my shoulder.
I'd managed to drag us all down. Again.
I tried to smile reassuringly at them, but my heart was still racing.
It hit me then.
Estelle might smile the same as I do. Gobble down blue cupcakes with the same eagerness I did.
But we would never be the same.
And Gods…..
I hoped we never would be.
Because she’d never muffle her sobs the way Mom and I did.
She’d never hesitate to smile.
Never.
I’d make sure of that.
We all would.
Always.