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He was doing it again. It was something he found himself doing much more often in the past, yet it was a habit that would never really go away. Not for a long time still, if it ever did at all.
Kaveh had been shut off in his room for as long as he could get away with every day, all week so far. He didn’t run into much need to offer an excuse, either—that was just the way it was. Both his own work and Alhaitham’s busy schedule allowed for this to be the case. He could just claim that he was busy with a design, and the latter would most likely be too occupied with his own work to even think of asking. Maybe even to notice at all.
Still, he only really needed to leave his room very sparingly. Any other time, he would at least sit in the living room, or take a walk around the city, do something to stretch his legs rather than sit inside all day. Even at busier times, he might choose to do his work out on the divan, occasionally hearing Alhaitham passing by behind him or even joining him nearby to read while he worked.
He would have none of that right now. Instead, he stayed in his room, only occasionally leaving to grab a light snack if he really needed it. But he preferred not to leave it at all, and he kept himself quietly occupied with various scribbles, completely unrelated to the work that he didn’t even have right now. Sometimes he would just sit there staring off into space, at a flower on his desk or simply at the wall. He would sit there and let his thoughts occupy him, wrap himself up in his mind like a thick blanket and let it suffocate him for a bit. It’s what he deserved, after all—that was always going to be something he believed.
However, he couldn’t always get away with this for very long. In fact, it was getting more and more difficult.
One evening, as he was sitting at his desk and scribbling away, his door was opened with no warning. He glanced over his shoulder, unable to suppress a slightly annoyed expression.
“I don’t recall hearing you ask if you could enter,” he said as Alhaitham took it upon himself to sit on his bed, book in hand.
“That’s funny,” Alhaitham kept his gaze on the pages before him. “I don’t recall asking at all.”
Kaveh narrowed his eyes before sighing, returning to the paper in front of him. “Well, I’m a little busy, so—”
“Don’t give me that,” Alhaitham interrupted. “We both know you have no clients right now.”
His lips formed a thin line on his face as he refrained from even turning his head in acknowledgement at that.
It didn’t matter, though, because Alhaitham closed his book anyway and stared at him. “Besides, even if you were busy, you could always do your work out in the living room. Nor have you ever minded that I come join you as I read.”
“Your point?” Kaveh only gave him an impatient side-eye.
“You’re avoiding me.”
“I am not.”
“Then what are you doing?”
“Can I not have some alone time anymore?”
“Your definition of ‘alone time’ is isolation,” Alhaitham leaned forward to rest his elbows on his knees. “If that’s what we’re calling it now.”
Kaveh scoffed.
“You’re doing it again, you should know that it’s obvious at this point when you are.”
“And why does it matter?”
Alhaitham’s gaze softened. “Talk to me.”
Kaveh’s grip on his pencil tightened. “I’m talking right now.”
“You know what I mean.”
“There’s nothing to talk about.”
“Nothing at all?”
“Nothing at all.”
In reality, there was a lot to talk about. It felt like so much, yet nothing at all at the same time. He could talk about the random guilt that always crept back up on him, the mere guilt of existing and taking up space. He could talk about how he knows he’s often snappy, even now, when he’s gotten better at maintaining himself and controlling his attitude, when he’s gotten better at not lashing out. He has, yet he was practically doing it again just now. He could talk about how when Alhaitham asked if he was avoiding him, it made him want to shut himself off forever and disappear. He questioned his own worth constantly, and when someone put even the slightest bit of substance to it, he wanted to toss it into the sea and demand that he mean nothing to anybody, that his presence remain worthless and his absence be unnoticed.
Because if he meant something to anyone, then these things would start to hurt them. And he couldn’t bear to hurt people by existing, even worse when trying to pretend that he didn’t would hurt them as well.
But he said none of this. He only continued sketching out something meaningless as he pretended nothing was wrong.
Alhaitham stared at him for a few seconds before letting out a quiet sigh. “Fine.”
Kaveh glanced at him out of the corner of his eye again as he stood up, but quickly returned his attention to his drawings, shaking his head. “And take your book with you, I’m not getting up to bring it to you if you—”
He was cut off by a pair of arms wrapping around him, gently yet firmly pulling him ever so slightly to press his back against Alhaitham’s chest as much as possible in his position. Soft hair tickled his cheek for a moment as Alhaitham leaned down to bury his face in Kaveh’s shoulder, nuzzling ever so slightly against his neck.
The action sucked the air out of Kaveh’s lungs, and everything around him froze. After a moment, he let his pencil slip from his fingers as he slowly moved it to hover near one of the arms across his chest, hesitant to let it rest upon it.
“If you’re not going to tell me what’s wrong,” Alhaitham said, voice soft and quiet. “Then at least don’t deny me your company. Stop hiding from me in your room and let me see your face.”
Kaveh let out a shaky breath, a noise barely audible despite the way it rattled his chest. Finally, he let his hand rest on Alhaitham’s arm, and he leaned his head just a fraction to the side, tears prickling in his eyes. He suddenly became more aware of himself, of his senses and the feeling around him right now, and a small sob wracked his lungs. He squeezed his eyes shut, turning his head to the side to half-bury it in Alhaitham’s hair.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered. It was all he could say about it.
Alhaitham let him stay in that position for a moment before lifting his own head, pressing a kiss to the tears that rolled down Kaveh’s cheek. He retracted his arms just for a few seconds, stepping around to the side of Kaveh’s chair and kneeling there. He met his gaze with gentle eyes as Kaveh turned in his chair to face him as well, eyes shining with tears. Alhaitham reached a hand up, thumb wiping away at Kaveh’s eye before cradling his cheek.
“Don’t take yourself away from me so much,” he said, voice just above a whisper. “If you’re trying to punish yourself, then at least remember that you’re punishing me, too.”
Kaveh wiped his eyes before taking a deep breath in and out, resting a hand over Alhaitham’s,avoiding his gaze as he stared at the floor. “It’s still hard to think that I could be significant enough for you to take it that way sometimes,” he admitted quietly.
“Then I’ll remind you,” Alhaitham pressed his fingertips further into Kaveh’s skin right behind his jaw—gently, desperately, reminding him that he wouldn’t let go. “I’ll always remind you.”
Reluctantly, Kaveh let his eyes meet Alhaitham’s again. They held each others’ gaze for a moment, a soft reassurance and understanding sitting between them. Alhaitham broke it first, retracting his hand finally and taking Kaveh’s as he did, bringing it to his lips to press a soft kiss to his knuckles before letting go. Wrapping his arms around Kaveh’s waist, he laid his head down on his lap, closing his eyes as his cheek pressed against Kaveh’s thigh.
Kaveh couldn’t help but let a fond smile cross his face. Wiping his eyes once more, he rested a hand just below the back of Alhaitham’s neck, the other carding fingers through his hair.
This was always his reminder—he couldn’t afford to be so selfish.
“I haven’t heard your voice for days,” Alhaitham said quietly. It was only then that Kaveh realized he hadn’t come in with his earpieces on. “Tell me about what you were drawing, at least.”
Kaveh glanced at the paper on his desk. It was just a sketch of an old design, one that he quite liked but, of course, got rejected and revamped about a million times. It was something that happened often, but he would always hold his original designs in his heart, whether anyone ever wanted them or not. They were useless, essentially. Not even worth talking about.
He looked back at Alhaitham, and at that request, he smiled.
Maybe someone would at least like to hear about them after all.