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“Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind,
And therefore is winged Cupid painted blind.”
William Shakespeare
Dennis had never asked for anything in his life. Not even when he was kicked out of his home did he ask God for mercy; not even when he found himself without a roof over his head did he ask for a home; not even when he was denied a mother’s love did he ask for a mother.
No, Dennis never asked for anything; he never felt he deserved to receive anything. He simply believed he had to give of himself to the utmost, to the point of squeezing himself like an orange and extracting the very last drop of its juice.
However, his soul began to yearn.
And yearn…
Yearn…
Yearn…
When his world wasn’t gray anymore, when his world collided, in a September morning, with Michael Robinavitch, his mentor.
His soulmate, his colorful world.
His ruin.
(...)
He would never forget the moment his eyes met with Robby’s, in that morning in September, between the summer and the fall.
His world had always been gray; for 27 years, he’d seen nothing but the spectrum between black and white, and, well, he was used to it. He didn’t think he was worthy of having a soulmate, even though the entire society he lived in was based on finding one. There were more important things on his mind to worry about, like where he would spend the night, whether he would eat anything the next day or even that very day, whether he would be able to take a shower or just wipe himself down with wet wipes. No, there was no reason to worry about finding his soulmate.
He had already come to terms with the fact that he wouldn’t have one; after all, his mother always said he wasn’t worthy, that God would punish him for being frail, weak, and having certain tendencies, as she put it. No one defended him against such cruel words, not his brothers, nor his father, who seemed to ignore his very existence. So he simply accepted it.
He accepted those words.
He even accepted them when he was expelled after they found out he had been accepted into college, because, to his parents, studying wasn’t something God wanted for his life; studying would open the door for his “tendencies” to be unleashed, even though he had chosen to study theology. His parents weren’t entirely wrong. He had always liked boys; the closet he was trapped in had frosted glass, as if they could see his tormented soul wandering about.
So, it was in college that he discovered he wasn’t the only one in the world who liked boys; it was there that he had his first kiss; it was there that he had his first sexual experiences, all without any real feeling, but that didn’t matter to Dennis Whitaker; he just needed to live a little, unwind, and forget his situation.
When he was accepted into medical school, he found himself without even time for that, just scraping by from couch to couch, from shelter to shelter, from odd job to odd job, until he became a senior in medical school.
Until he saw his world explode into colors just like fireworks in the sky and collide with Robby’s love.
Or the lack of it.
Dennis knew that, when soulmates met each other, both their worlds would go from gray to full colors, but since that morning in September, Robby would treat him just like a subordinate, like a friend even, given the keys in his hand in that moment.
Now he held the keys to Robby’s house in his hands, the doctor had entrusted his home to Dennis, who accepted it all like the sweet, stupid little puppy that he was – as Trinity would say, he was just a Huckleberry. He clenched the bunch of keys in his fist, taking a deep breath. That was the very day Robby would return from his sabbatical; it had been three long months without him, and Dennis could say they’d been suffocating.
Even though he knew the feeling wasn’t mutual, that Robby didn’t love him back, he couldn’t function without him around. He liked the way Robby smelled, the way he touched his trapezius and shoulders, the way he looked at him with such tenderness and even pride, though not love.
Did Robby realize just how cruel he was being by not saying a word? All right, there were certainly some factors that needed to be taken into account, such as the age difference between them and the fact that Robby was the doctor in charge of him and the entire emergency department.
But would it hurt to say, at least, he wasn’t interested in anything other than their mentor-protégé relationship?
Dennis clenched his jaw, walking slowly toward the front door and preparing to put the key in the lock, but the door opened first, revealing a beautiful woman with a familiar face. The resident felt his lips tremble and his throat tighten into a knot, as if something, or words, wanted to come out.
And finally, his eyes welled up when he saw who was leaving the living room and heading out into the hallway, with a little smile on his face – the kind of smile someone wears after having thoroughly enjoyed the night. He blinked quickly, trying to make the tears go back where they came from.
He felt as if he’d been thrown from a ship on the high seas, with no lifebuoy to hold onto, the waves crashing in from all sides, and his breath slowly ebbing away. He felt cold and empty.
A tear, unfortunately, dropped, but soon enough he rubbed his arm on his face hoping no one would have noticed, and put on a fake smile.
“Mrs. Hastings.”
“Oh, please, I feel old when you talk like that,” she smiled and turned to Robby, giving him a kiss between his jaw and neck, “I need to go, you’re technically on vacation, but I’m not. Bye, Dr. Whitaker.”
Dennis did not respond, he just smiled without showing his teeth, gulping and deeply inhaling before facing his mentor again. There was something in Robby’s expression that he could not decipher, but he decided not to delve into it further. He just stretched out his arm, showing Robby the keys.
“Welcome back, Dr. Robby.”
Robby took the keys, smiling.
“I appreciate everything you did, I never saw my home so functional before. Let me thank you. Don’t you want to come in and have breakfast with me?”
This time, Dennis knew he would not be able to hold the dam of emotions that wanted to break. He shook his head.
“No need, Dr. Robby, I have to go to the hospital.”
It was his day off.
Before Robby could offer something else, he just waved and turned his body to leave, walking briskly while his tears would drop in the same rhythm of his pace.
As he turned the corner, he let himself sob, his shoulders shaking with each sob.
He had never asked for anything.
But what would it cost the heavens to make someone love him?
(...)
He didn't know how he'd ended up at his apartment.
All he knew was that when he opened the door, he found Trinity staring at him as if another head had grown out of his neck. Well, he certainly couldn't have looked his best, he could feel the dried snot on his face and the heat of his blush.
He couldn't hold back his tears again; he cried and cried and cried, feeling Trinity embrace him for the first time since they'd met. Her delicate hands stroked his hair, Dennis's head resting on her shoulder, the two of them standing in the middle of the living room.
“Talk to me, Huckleberry.”
And then he broke down, recounting the very first moment his world exploded with color, how he fell in love with Robby with every touch, every suggestion, every piece of advice, every smile, and how hard it was not to have him around during those three months he was away on his sabbatical. He talked about his childhood, how he wanted to be loved by someone, and how it hurt to see Robby, as if Dennis didn’t matter at all, being so affectionate with Noelle Hastings.
“What am I lacking, Trinity?” He sobbed.
“You’re not lacking anything, Dennis,” she cupped his face, making him look at her eyes, “you are complete already, and you’re wrong.”
“In what, exactly?”
“You’re already loved. Maybe not the love you wanted, but you already are.”
It wasn’t necessary to say explicitly, Dennis understood immediately.
He hugged her again.
He loved her with all his being.
“Thank you, Trinity.”
“He doesn’t deserve you, Huck. He 's cruel.”
Dennis nodded, still hugging her.
He wanted to believe that, in those words, but he couldn’t. Little did he know, though, that Trinity intended to corner Robby, and that would change not only his life, but his mentor’s too.
Robby
There wasn’t another world he knew besides gray.
Everything was gray in the exterior, gray like a concrete jungle, like a storming sky. Though, his world was like that on the inside too, his consciousness hungry for something, for someone; but he already was 50 years old, and he knew that his chances of finding his soulmate were close to zero. Those findings were reserved for the youngsters and all his friends had either found it or found peace with themselves.
Not every soulmate was supposed to be romantic.
Not every soulmate was supposed to be close.
But Robby wanted to meet them, wanted to love them, have a life together with them, no matter the gender.
It wasn’t what happened in his life; at some point, he just gave up and tried relationships that, obviously, failed. It was like that with Heather, with Janey and it would be like that too with Noelle.
Hastings’ a beautiful woman, affectionate, kind, thoughtful, fair. His relationship with her was more casual, a time when they both had to give in to the demands of an adult life. The sex was good – great, even – and Noelle could be a great friend. But something was missing, he didn’t love her.
All was missing was for her to be… Dennis Whitaker.
He had known this, however, ever since his “brief moment of silent reflection” in the makeshift morgue in the pediatric emergency room. There, he thought Whitaker was sweet, sweet for thinking he could save him from whatever it was that tormented him inside, and he found that impossible.
He was wrong.
Dennis saved him not only in that moment, he saved him every day, and being away from him for three long months was what brought him back. He needed to feel him beneath his fingers, to feel the warmth of his skin, he needed to know that he was there.
So, the day before he arrived in Pittsburgh, he sent a message saying he’d arrive the next day; he ended up arriving earlier than expected and took the opportunity to check out his house, which was spotless – with plants he didn’t even know were still alive– and everything clean. There was even a pot of mac and cheese, which he ate down to the last piece of pasta.
For sure he would thank him the next day, when he’d come to give him back the keys copy. What he wasn’t expecting, and caught him totally by surprise, was Noelle’s presence right in front of his door, early in the morning.
“How’d you know I was here?”
He hadn't told anyone but Dennis about his arrival, not even Jack or Dana.
“Believe it or not, Robby, I know you. I know that you wouldn’t abandon that hospital in someone else’s hands; three months away is your limit.”
She wasn’t completely wrong, but his arrival back in Pittsburgh had another reason, another name, another age and another gender.
“You didn’t miss me, did you?”
Noelle sarcastically laughed.
“You’re not that important, Robby.”
“Ouch,” he joked.
He wasn’t offended, but he would like to know why she was there so early in the morning. Noelle sighed, crossing her arms.
“I spent three months without knowing a word about you, Robby, and I would like you to be honest with me.”
“Okay.”
"Do you intend to have something serious with me?”
Robby let his shoulders relax before answering, shaking his head.
“No, Noelle, and I apologize for letting you in the dark for so long.”
Noelle, sweet Noelle, just smiled and stroked his beard.
“Actually, I’m relieved. No offense, Robby, but I wouldn’t like an indecisive man by my side and I bet there’s someone in your heart already.”
“You’re not wrong.”
“Are they your soulmate?”
Robby frowned, his outside world hadn’t burst into color after meeting Dennis. Everything around him was still gray, and Robby wondered if he would ever have the chance to see Dennis’s blue eyes, the ones so many other people who could already see in color made a point of mentioning. However, he knew that his inner world had changed, perhaps he couldn’t see the colors, but he could feel them, and maybe that was more than enough.
Loving, after all, was a choice.
“No, but he’ll be.”
Noelle smiled.
“Good luck. Now, I need to work.”
Noelle left the room, walking toward the door, with Robby right behind her. With a smile on his face at the end of their casual relationship, he didn’t notice who was on the other side of the door until he heard the voice of the person he’d missed the most.
“Mrs. Hastings.”
He should have been happy to see him, but there was something in his expression that suggested something was going on. Robby felt restless, helpless, as if there were no way he could help him. Dennis might have had all the good qualities in the world, but hiding his emotions wasn’t one of them; his face was as clear as water, just like his teary eyes, which he tried so hard to hide behind his blinks.
Noelle said something else and kissed him on the cheek before saying goodbye to Whitaker, who just smiled without showing his teeth. A smile that, Robby knew, wasn’t genuine. Something was going on with his golden boy.
Dennis tried to cover it up by showing him his set of keys, and Robby tried to distract him by inviting him for coffee. But it was no use, Dennis had walked away without looking back.
What was going on?
(...)
He couldn't even sleep; he spent the whole day and night thinking about how strange Dennis was acting, about how he had expected to be greeted with that warmth that only his resident possessed, but was actually met with coldness. Robby wasn't happy about it and wanted answers.
And that's why he rushed back to the PTMC.
It wasn't an exaggeration to say that everyone was surprised by his sudden return. Of course, he had come back early because of Dennis Whitaker, but he could admit that he had missed that well-organized chaos. He hugged Dana, apologizing for how he had acted last time, and greeted his best friend and brother Jack before he went off to rest, but he still hadn't seen the person he wanted to see.
He went to the men’s locker room, put his bag away, and, just as he was about to slip his surgical scrubs over his shirt, he jumped in surprise at a loud thud near his locker. He frowned when he saw who had made the noise.
Trinity Santos.
Her face was as clear as water; she was angry, and it seemed as though he himself was the target of her anger.
“Good morning, Dr. Santos.”
Her face, hard as a rock, didn’t move a muscle.
“Why are you being so cruel, Robby?”
Robby frowned, confused about the… warmed welcome from his resident. He searched the depths of his mind for what might have caused Santos’s palpable anger, wondering what he might have done exactly three months ago to provoke that rage, but nothing came to mind.
“Care to explain, Santos?”
His resident just shrugged, twisting her lips, as everything was obvious.
“Okay, you want to play dumb, alright.”
“Do I need to remind you that I’m still your boss?”
“To hell with that,” she hissed, “you need to put your head in the right place and decide what you want! What do you think you’re doing to Huckleberry acting so,” she shook her head searching for the right words, “so petty, so cruel, so sadistic. He can be a little puppy that runs right behind everytime you call, but he still has sentiments, Robby! Is it so hard telling him you don’t want to be his soulmate? You’re really gonna rub in his face your fling with Hastings? Such a cruel idea to let him know you’re back she spent the night in your home?
Robby stopped listening right in the moment he heard the word.
“Soulmate?”
Trinity stopped her monologue and glared at him like he was someone stupid.
Well, maybe he was.
“Duh! Soulmate! When your world turns colorful and blah, blah, blah.”
Robby raised his hand to interrupt her, rubbed the area between his eyebrows, and felt his heart pounding in his throat. What did she mean by “soulmate”? How could Dennis Whitaker be his soulmate if his world hadn’t come full color? What was wrong with him?
“Santos, I,” his voice cracked, all he wanted was for Dennis to be his soulmate, “I still see in gray.”
He felt a lump in his throat, a pang of anguish at knowing he’d made his golden boy suffer. He wanted to hold him in his arms, stroke his head, and whisper words of comfort, and apologize; it hadn’t been his intention to make him witness the unraveling of his relationship with Noelle.
Unfortunately, Robby had no idea.
His resident uncrossed her arms, the expression of fierce anger fading from her face and being replaced by surprise and, much to Robby’s surprise as well, something close to empathy.
“Oh my God,” she sighed heavily, “poor Huck! Imagine thinking for over a year that you didn’t want him, when in reality you didn’t even know.”
“I want him,” Robby reassured, “I wanted him for a while. I just,” he shook his head, “Well, I’m his boss, I’m more than twice his age, and I wasn’t myself for a while. Oh, I’m so sorry.”
“Tell him that, he deserves to know,” she said, “lucky you I won’t be home today, don’t run away, Robby,” Trinity looked deep in his eyes, “you deserve good things too, don’t let it flee away.”
Dennis
Dennis spent his day off drowning in his own tears, unable even to get out of bed because his emotional pain was so intense. He would have gone to work the next day, but Trinity had called to say he was sick, which wasn’t entirely a lie.
He felt broken, weighed down, as if an elephant were on his shoulders at all times. His mind wouldn’t leave him alone, constantly repeating questions that made him want to shrink until he became an atom. Why was giving the only thing left for him? Why did giving hurt so much? Why was he still such an idiot who harbored such strong feelings for his boss and…
Soulmate.
Dennis sighed heavily, resting his head against the back of the couch as he counted the spots on the ceiling. He’d already watched TV shows, movies, and meaningless YouTube videos; eaten buckets of strawberry ice cream and so many chocolate chip cookies he’d lost count; and yet, he still felt like a wreck.
Once again, he felt his eyes well up, but he refused to shed another tear. Sure, his soulmate didn’t care about his feelings, so what? The world kept turning, people were born and people died, and Dennis kept dwelling on his whole situation with Robby.
Actually, there wasn't any situation at all!
Robby was Noelle's partner.
Dennis was just…
A subordinate.
He was a nobody.
Unfortunately, his promise not to shed another tear proved futile, and soon not just one, but several were streaming down his face, accompanied by ragged, ugly sobs. That’s why he didn’t notice when someone inserted the key into the lock, opened the door to his apartment, and stood there watching him for a few seconds before clearing his throat.
Dennis’s eyes widened, and he jumped up from the couch, a muffled scream escaping his throat before he realized it was Robby standing there.
“Jesus! Do you want to scare me to death?”
He tried, discreetly, to wipe away his tears, but to his surprise, Robby cupped his face and used his thumbs to wipe away every tear that still insisted on falling. Dennis watched him in confusion. He couldn’t understand. Why? Why was Robby at his house? Why was Robby cradling his face so tenderly? Why did Robby have such a loving expression on his face?
“Forgive me, Dennis.”
The resident doctor frowned, confused between the words and the stroking on his face.
“Robby, what are you doing here?”
“I’ll explain later, but first, let me have what I lost.”
“What? What have you lost?”
“You.”
Dennis widened his big blue eyes.
“I don’t get it, Robby.”
Robby kissed his forehead before hugging him, his short stature meant his ear was right against the attending doctor’s heart. It was racing. Dennis was almost certain that his heartbeat was in sync with his own.
Robby began to stroke his head, and Dennis couldn’t resist tightening his embrace. If that was the only taste he’d get of a relationship with Robby, he wasn’t going to pass up the chance to enjoy the moment.
“I know you’re my soulmate,” Dennis held his breath, tensing, “but I’ve just learned this today.”
Dennis frowned, stepping back and looking deep into Robby's eyes, which showed nothing but sincerity and regret. How was that possible?
“How?”
“My world’s still gray, Dennis.”
The resident gradually let the realization sink in.
“Oh! I thought, oh my God, I thought you didn’t want me.”
“And I thought I didn’t have more time finding my soulmate, but clearly I was wrong.”
Robby laughed.
Dennis followed, still a little bit confused.
“So, that day, Noelle…”
Robby denied with his head.
“It was all a misunderstanding,” he explained, “I have arrived the night before, slept, and I was expecting you the next day, but Noelle came first asking me if I wanted something serious with her, but I denied.”
“Why?”
Robby smiled, getting closer again and cupping his face. Dennis couldn’t help but notice the older man’s beauty: the wrinkles that adorned his eyes when he smiled, the freckles scattered like stars across the Nebraska sky, his beard flecked with white, and his eyes, so brown and so tender.
Oh, there was no escape for his heart.
May it withstand so many beats.
May it withstand the words that would come out of Robby’s mouth at that very moment.
“Because I’m in love with you, Dennis.”
His lips trembled and Robby kept going.
“Because I fell in love with you without seeing the colors, because I fell in love with you seeing nothing but gray, because I fell in love with you without the heaviness that comes with being a soulmate, because I fell in love with you by choice and not by destiny.”
Dennis didn’t wait for his own words; he simply leaned in and brought his lips closer for a kiss – awkward at first, but one that gradually found its way, just as his colorful world collided with Robby’s gray one. Oh, how he’d wanted this! With that kiss, he felt like he was crashing into clouds, just like in fantasy books. He felt himself levitate with every meeting of their tongues. He felt, at last, like someone receiving what had been missing.
He felt happy.
Loved.
They pressed their foreheads together as they broke the kiss, both smiling from ear to ear.
Dennis now knew that love didn’t have to be as colorful as fireworks; it could be gray like a cloudy sky on the verge of a storm – which, after all, was just as overwhelming as love; it fell and drenched whoever was beneath it, without asking permission, but only those who allowed it remained wet.
Being soulmates was destiny, but loving was a choice.
And gray is beautiful, too.
Robby
“You have achromatopsia.”
Robby blinked slowly as he took in the words. Of course, he was a doctor, he was familiar with that term for a condition that caused him to lack color-sensing cells. In other words, even if he met his soulmate, those cells wouldn’t activate, since they either didn’t exist or didn’t work.
He bit his lower lip, an inappropriate laugh threatening to escape his throat. Obviously! It was obvious that this would happen to him, how could it not? Everything in his life had to be just a little bit more complicated, with Dennis, it would be no different.
It took more than a year for him to realize that he was his soulmate, and both of them were hurt in the process because of it, and now that he knew he had this condition, he knew there was no cure or even treatment.
“You sure there’s no possibility for me to see the colors?”
The doctor, an old and wise man, sighed.
“Doctor Robby, your condition is very rare, I can’t promise you anything, but there are some glasses being made for people with your condition, you just need to call them,” Dr. Feyman gave him a business card, “I should warn you it’s not cheap.”
Robby took the card from his hands.
“It doesn’t matter,” he said, “what matters to me it’s the possibility of seeing my soulmate.”
Dr. Feyman smiled.
“Good luck.”
(...)
Robby came inside Dennis with a satisfied groan, resting his head on Dennis’s shoulder for a few seconds before lying down beside him. Both were panting after a night that had been extremely satisfying for both of them.
Right after their shift, the two decided to go to Robby’s place, where they ordered Chinese takeout, watched an ’80s TV series called The Golden Girls, and soon after they got tired of watching TV, they started kissing on the couch, which led to the two of them going to the bedroom and giving themselves to each other.
It wasn’t the first time they’d had sex, but Robby loved it every time as if it were their first night together.
The doctor pulled Dennis close to his chest, where he began to stroke his hair. Every now and then, he felt tender, innocent kisses on his chest. He smiled, kissing the top of his soulmate’s head.
“There’s something wrong with me, Dennis.”
Dennis pulled away from his chest, frowning.
“There’s nothing wrong with you, Robby.”
Robby shook his head.
“Yesterday, after my shift, I went to the ophthalmologist. I have something called achromatopsia. I’ll always see the world in gray. I’ll never be able to see you the way I’d like to.”
“Robby,” Dennis’ hand caressed his face, “I really don’t mind. Colorful or gray, I know you love me.”
“Never doubt it,” Robby said, kissing the hand on his face, “but I bet my money on something, a test. I want to see you, I want to see your eyes that I know are blue, your hair that no one knows if it’s dark blond or light brown, I want to see, even if it’s just one time.”
Dennis smiled with affection, kissing his lip right after.
“Just tell me when it’s ready.”
(...)
Robby didn't say when they'd be ready; he wanted to surprise him.
He went to the optician’s and picked up his custom-made glasses, but he didn’t put them on, he tucked them into his pocket, protected by the case, and headed off to his shift at the hospital. His heart was pounding erratically in his chest, almost as if he were about to walk down the aisle, but in reality, he was just going to put on his glasses to see Dennis.
He took a deep breath as the sliding doors opened and he was hit by the artificial breeze coming from inside the hospital. He could see Dennis sitting at his desk, most likely typing up a patient’s medical record.
He wasn't sure if all of that, all that money spent, would be worth it, or if he had just wasted it all for nothing, only to see everything turn gray as usual. So, afraid that it might all be a fiasco, he wanted to test it out first. Thus, he headed up to the roof after putting his things in the closet, without realizing that Dennis had noticed him and was following him.
He stood between the parapet and the roofline, taking his glasses out of his pocket and gazing at the still-gray world, hoping that his world would burst into color. He closed his eyes, his heart racing, and put the glasses on his face.
He didn’t have the courage to open them.
“Open your eyes, Robby.”
Dennis’ voice echoed, paradoxically silent, through the air.
Robby denied, shaking his head.
“I can’t.”
“You can.”
“What if all of the world is still gray?”
“Then, it’ll be gray, but I’ll still be here.”
Dennis pulled him closer, turning Robby toward him and gently stroking his cheek. Robby opened his eyes, and the first thing he saw was the sky – the sky that everyone said was blue.
And right after that, Dennis.
Dennis and his big blue eyes, which sparkled in the morning sun. Robby felt the air rush out of his lungs as he saw him in so many colors: blue in his eyes, golden in his hair and eyebrows, white and pink in his skin, which flushed under the intensity of Robby’s gaze.
Robby touched his lips.
“They’re so pink,” he laughed, “it’s cute.”
Dennis gave him a shy smile.
“So, how is the world?”
“Colorful.”
The world was beautiful, Robby thought, but he could only see it for a few seconds before turning his attention back to Dennis, there was nothing more beautiful than the man standing before him. Not even the blue of the sky could compete with the blue of Dennis’s eyes.
“Do you already have a favorite color?”
“Blue.”
People said love was colorful, but for Robby, he was sure, his love was blue.
Blue like Dennis’ eyes.