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“Hey, Lee!”
She almost feels like she winces. She knows that voice, and it belongs to someone she’s not out to yet. Lee is still her name; she shouldn’t have a reaction to it. She just needs to not rock the boat. “Boymode,” as they say. Despite it eating at her.
“‘Sup, loser!” she calls out to him. Jeremy walks up to her and they give each other the typical “male” hand-grab-into-single-back-tap greeting. She can feel the grit in her brain.
“Whoa, Roy?” Oh, she definitely winces there. “I haven’t seen you since… high school?”
She gives as big a smile as she can. “Yep. Rich, how’ve you been?”
“Oh, you know how it is.” He shrugs. “What, going by Lee now? Ditching the other half of your name?”
The words grate against her. Because that’s what it is, of course. It’s her switching from the more masculine half of her name that she went by in high school—when she wasn’t going by her last name to not have to hear a “man’s name” attached to her—to the slightly less masculine half.
“Something like that.” She stuffs her hands into her pockets. “Sorry, gentlemen, I’ve got to go. Nice seeing you.” She turns and walks away without waiting.
She really needs to not have her past hanging over her.
It’s a few months later when she finally has had enough. She’s at a shitty bar downtown, with a bunch of people who she would normally think she has nothing in common with. But even if she’s not showing it, she is queer too. And a girl.
You’d think these people wouldn’t assume things.
“Hey, it’s Lee! How’s it going? Didn’t think you’d be around tonight.” Katie always seems to try too hard to be her friend. Objectively, she knows it’s because Katie’s friendly. But it feels like she’s trying to find an angle to manipulate her.
“Psh, who’s ‘Lee’?” She just needs to put distance between them. It doesn’t matter how. “I’m going by ‘Greznedge’ these days.”
Katie looks at her like she has three heads. “What?”
“You heard me. That’s my name. You got a problem with that?”
“Uh… no, I guess—”
“I’ve got a problem with it.” Oh, great, this asshole again.
She turns and smiles. She’s trying to go for unserious and smug, but it comes out a bit manic. “Excuse you, Riley. I don’t remember inviting you to the conversation.”
They step up right into her personal space and jab a finger toward her. “Look, ‘Greznedge,’ we both know what’s going on here, so let’s drop the fucking pretense. Every time anyone tries to talk to you, you go and turn it into a fucking joke. You’ve been doing this all winter. If you’re just here to laugh at us, find another bar.” Oh, that… actually hurt.
Her mouth hangs open, and she lets out a breath, her face falling. Maybe boymoding all the time is a bad idea. Riley, for their part, is still staring daggers at her. “I’m deflecting,” she grumbles.
“What?”
“Fine, I’m fucking deflecting! I fucking hate being trans, is that what you want to hear? That I’m trying not to take myself seriously? Go fuck off, Riley! Don’t give me this shit.” That came out a bit more raw than she intended. There’s… no walking this one back.
“Are you serious?” Riley’s expression has shifted to confusion. Thank god the bar is loud and she, Katie, and Riley are the only ones who can really hear this. Maybe a couple of people dancing around them, but they’re too drunk to remember anything.
“Yeah, happy? Forcing me to come out in a shitty bar on a shitty Thursday?”
Riley’s expression softens, just a hair. “Look. I’m not entirely convinced, after everything you’ve done all fucking winter, that you’re not fucking with me. But, you know what, fine. Pick a human name, then we’ll talk.” They walk away without another word.
Katie turns to her. “Uh… are you…”
Yeah, she really needs a different name.
“And the name for the order?”
“Uh, Lilly.”
“Alright, we’ll call it when it’s ready.”
She heads back to her table and sits down with Julia, Elliot, and Allison.
“Lilly this week?” Julia prods her.
“Uh… yeah.” She’s not the most comfortable she’s ever been. She asked Julia to do her makeup—which she does mostly like!—and the skirt she’s wearing is bright and floral, which she’s less sure about. But maybe she just needs to commit to the bit. Maybe this is who “Lilly” is: bright and nice and someone… easy to be around.
Elliot continues with some story about… some game. She’s not really paying attention. She’ll feel bad about that later, but now she’s trying to reconcile all the sensations and emotions that flood into her head.
Allison pokes her. “They’re calling you.”
That’s enough to get her to zone back in and hear someone at the counter call out, “Lilly!”
“Ah, yeah, uh. Thanks.” She stands up and smooths out her skirt, then goes and retrieves her drink.
When she sits back down, Allison has picked up the reins of the conversation. She takes a sip—this is actually just a milkshake, there’s no coffee in it, why did I go for this?—and tunes back in.
“I don't know, I still think there’s something fishy going on with Corpse Witch. I feel like there’s a bigger plot going on.”
“You’ve been saying that since the first time we saw her.”
“Look, all I’m saying is that there’s got to be some reason Bubbles is working there—” Ah, right, the webcomic with the trans girl. She knows it’s not because of her, because Allison’s been a fan of it for far longer than they’ve known each other, but it still feels a bit weird. I guess I’m still just self-conscious about the whole thing. “—and it’s gotta be connected to the whole ‘doesn't want to talk about her past’ thing.”
“Didn’t you mention a couple of comics where she did something sketchy and Bubbles went ‘hmm’?” Lilly speaks up.
Allison looks at her, and Lilly swears she reads confusion on her face for a split second before she returns to enthusiasm. “Yeah, there was coming back from the coffee shop, and the thing with May’s face. Recently, at least. I think there have been more? Why?”
“Those sound like different things though, right? One of them sounds like her trying to make Bubbles just rely on her, and the other is more about…” Lilly wants to say “being a dick,” but she doesn’t.
“Being a dick?” Elliot supplies.
Lilly shrinks slightly. “I wouldn’t put it like that,” she lies. “But it does, uh… sound like Bubbles is learning more about her uh… employer. And maybe that means something’s been hidden from her?”
“Yeah, exactly! Guess we just have to wait and see.”
Lilly laughs so lightly it’s barely recognizable. “I guess.”
Elliot raises an eyebrow and pushes, just a bit, turning to Allison. “Hey, maybe you’ll still get your robot-slash-human smut.”
Allison rolls her eyes. “Shut up, El. Let me wish for yuri in peace.”
Elliot looks toward Lilly. “I mean, it’s pretty unlikely, right?”
Lilly scrambles for a response that feels… not incorrect. “Yeah, uh, I… don’t know if it’s going to go that way.”
Julia cuts in. “Okay, Lilly, what’s wrong.”
She tries to laugh it off, but it’s just nervous energy. “What do you mean, Julia, I’m fine, nothing’s wrong.”
“Bullshit.”
She looks around the table. Everyone’s looking at her. “I…”
Allison picks up the thread. “Lilly, you’ve been acting weird all day. Come on, I just talked about shipping two characters that are never shown as anything but straight. And you didn’t jump on that?”
“Yeah, girl, you’re not acting like yourself,” Elliot says. “What’s up?”
Lilly’s eyes go wide and dart around the room. “I…” She takes a deep breath and lets it out all at once. “I’m being nice, don’t you like it when people are nice? This is what I…” She can’t quite finish the sentence. She doesn’t even know what the ending would be.
Elliot and Julia share a look. “Yeah, because ‘nice’ is the word I associate with you over ‘jerk’ or ‘pain in the ass’,” Julia says.
“Oh fuck off, Jules, who asked you?” she says without thinking. A moment later, her brain catches up and her eyes go wide. “Oh, sorry, I—”
Julia just laughs. “There she is. Now what do you actually think?”
She releases the tension she didn’t know she was carrying in her shoulders. “I’m…” She stands up. “Gonna go get an actual coffee.” She looks back over her shoulder. “I do think Corpse Witch is sketchy—who names a character fucking Corpse Witch?—but I’ll eat my hat if the butch and the robot get together.”
“You don’t wear hats.”
“Then I guess I’m fine either way.” She grins, and everyone smiles back at her.
The outfit’s a bit more ambitious than she normally would go for, but she looks good. Deep cut white V-neck, black jean shorts, fishnets, sneakers. But that’s who she is—or is trying to be.
She walks up to the bar, drink in hand, and makes eye contact with the woman sitting next to her. “Now what’s a pretty girl like you doing all alone in a place like this?”
The woman sitting at the bar turns to her, smirking. “You always try pickup lines that cliché?”
“You’re talking to me, aren’t you?” She smiles a bit too wide.
“Sure. Alright, I’m just here for a night out. I’m Maria.”
“Kyra.”
“Okay, Kyra.” She crosses her legs and props her head on her hand. “Convince me.”
“Convince you of what?” Kyra laughs. “A girl can’t strike up a conversation without an ulterior motive?”
“Oh, she can, but something tells me she isn’t.”
Kyra gestures wildly, laughing. “Alright, alright. Well. I’m just here looking for a good time. I just got a raise, a clean bill of health, and a new place.” Two lies and a half-truth. “I’m celebrating!”
“All good things. Well, congratulations.”
Kyra waves the bartender over. “Another of whatever she’s having. And I’ll take one too.”
Maria tilts her head, just enough that Kyra can notice. “Oh?”
Kyra smirks. The bartender returns with the drinks moments later, and Kyra offers a toast. “To a good night.”
Maria laughs. “I’ll drink to that.”
Kyra doesn’t really notice the time passing. The bar is as loud and crowded as ever, and Maria is easy enough to talk to. Most people are easy to talk to. You just need to get them onto a subject they’re interested in. Maria went through local sports, graphic design, and Spain over the course of about forty-five minutes. It’s almost fun, picking out conversation topics and trying to get her to weave a path through them. It’s some kind of a game, finding a path that she’s likely to follow that hits all the points. Kyra just needs to know the right thing to say at the right time.
They’ve had a couple more drinks, just enough to make the conversation flow, not enough to be a problem.
“Oh? So what did you do then?” Kyra asks.
Maria giggles. “I just grabbed it and ran.”
Kyra overacts her gasp. “Shoplifting? I’m shocked. Didn’t think you had it in you.”
Maria twirls her hair. “Well, I’m full of surprises.” Kyra winks at her, and she smiles back. “I have to say, you’re very good at keeping the topics flowing.”
“I’ve had plenty of practice,” Kyra lies.
Maria tilts her head, as if Kyra will make more sense at forty-five degrees. “You know, you sure know a lot about me, but I don’t really know anything about you.”
“Oh, psh, I’m not that interesting.” She smiles at Maria. Maria just smiles back expectantly, not saying anything. Kyra blinks a few times and waits a long moment. “You… alright there?”
“I’m fine. How are you, Kyra?”
“Oh, I’m great. Just enjoying the company of a beautiful woman.”
Maria hums. “You’re very good at deflecting.”
Kyra places a hand over her heart. “Thank you, I try.”
The pause lingers. Maria eventually blinks first and offers a truce. “So, what was the raise for?”
Kyra blinks. Right, I said I got a raise. Uh. “Oh, it’s not important. Boss just decided I was good at my job and wanted to reward me.”
“Mhmm, and what do you do?”
“Oh, just odd jobs here and there. Nothing too interesting.”
“You don’t say…” Maria looks up, thinking for a moment. “Tell me about yourself, Kyra. What can you talk about for an hour?”
Her expression falls for a fraction of a second. “I… Oh, I don’t have anything that interesting to talk about,” Kyra continues. “You didn’t tell me about your work, what do you do?”
Maria scrunches her mouth to the side. “You know, Kyra, you’re very fun to talk to—”
“Well, thank you—”
“—but I feel like I’m being interviewed.”
Confusion crosses her face for a moment. “Don’t be ridiculous, we’re having a great conversation!” Kyra continues.
“I know you’re confident, hot, funny, but…” Maria shakes her head. “It feels like I’m pulling teeth trying to learn the first thing about you.”
She blinks and her smile slips. She doesn’t think Maria can really make it out, given the light in here. At least, she hopes not.
“I had fun tonight, Kyra. Thanks for the drinks, and thanks for the conversation. I hope you… find whatever it is you’re looking for.” Maria stands up and turns toward the door. “Maybe I’ll see you around.”
Moments later, Maria has walked out the door.
She’s not sure exactly where it all went wrong. But she has a suspicion it was in the first few lies.
“Name?”
“Daisy. I signed up online.”
“Right, yeah, I see you. You’re in Pod 2, draft should start in fifteen.”
“Thanks.” She heads over to the table and takes a seat. She’s comfortable here. People know her, enough, at least, and she can just play games and leave. It doesn’t need to be more complicated than that.
Lauren, Molly, Lilly, Kyra, Luna, Hazel, Violet, Sophie: they all were something, but they all felt like something she put on. Daisy just feels effortless. Daisy can be chaotic and also feminine. It’s normal. It’s been normal for the past two months.
It’s a perfectly ordinary draft. The last Friday of the month is always chaos draft, which is just inherently very swingy. But she’s constructed something okay. A lot of familiar faces here, but they usually do well with her ever-changing names. Especially since she settled.
Her first match is against David. She likes David, even if he doesn’t quite get it every time. He’s usually a name or two behind, but he’s gotten Daisy down consistently. Which is good, if she plans on coming back here often.
Her second match is against Mitch. She likes Mitch less. But, to his credit, he’s finally gotten the hang of her pronouns. Not that she wants to give him credit, but she does feel like she needs to be at least a little fair.
She’s one for one by match three. The deck is fine. Nothing to write home about. And she’s pleasantly surprised to see someone she’s never seen before walking up to her for match three. She doesn’t have to explain a new name to someone for a change.
“Daisy?”
“Yup, that’s me.”
Her challenger takes a seat. “Nice to meet you. I’m Leah.”
Her heart sinks. She can feel it hit her feet. Oh, fuck. Goddammit. Come on, I just settled on… No, I can’t… That’s… me. Fuck.
“Daisy, you okay?” Leah asks, wholly unaware of the damage she’s caused by simply stating that name out loud.
“I’m…” She starts to speak.
Daisy sighs for the last time.
“Yeah, I’m fine. Just… rethinking things.” Leah finally answers.