Archive of Our Own ^beta

“John! Rose!” the redhead exclaimed, moving towards them with hands raised in happy greeting.

“Aunt Donna!” Tony cried, letting go of Rose’s hand and rushing towards the woman who had just spoken. She looked surprised, but knelt down to receive the speeding bundle anyway.

“Aunt Donna! I’m gonna be on TV!” Tony fairly shouted.

“I know you are, love, but my name is Catherine. I’m not your Aunt Donna.”

John and Rose came to a stop a few feet away, just in time to see Tony take a step back and give Catherine Tate an assessing look. “You look just like my Aunt Donna, ‘cept she’s fat.”

Rose gasped, “Tony!” while John threw his head back and howled. Catherine just looked at him with wide, amused eyes.

The little boy turned and looked at his sister innocently. “What? She is. She’s gonna have a baby.”

“That doesn’t make her fat, Tony.”

Tony shrugged and stepped back to John, leaning up against his leg. John petted the boy’s head absently, still chuckling.

“You’ll have to forgive him,” Rose apologized. “He’s five. God only knows what’s going to come out of his mouth at any given moment.”

Catherine waved her concerns aside. “It’s fine! Kids say the darndest things, yeah? Mine do, anyway.” She opened her arms wide for a hug. “Hi!”

“Hi!” Rose giggled and chirped in that way she had, stepping forward to meet Catherine. The two embraced warmly and John smiled, watching them, Tony still glued to his leg. After a moment, they released and Catherine made a c’mere gesture towards John. He did as expected and stepped forward, stooping a bit to allow himself to be hugged by the shorter woman.

She pulled back from him and patted his cheek fondly. Tony was right - the woman in front of him did look an awful lot like his sister.

“We’re so glad you signed on to help us this year!” she bubbled. “Alpha Epsilon gets more popular every day, and having you two - well, you three," she said with a conspiratorial wink at Tony, “here will only raise the profile of the charity special!”

“Happy to do it. We’re just sorry that Jack couldn’t join us. He’s in America for the holidays,” Rose apologized.

Catherine shook her head. “Please, don’t apologize. Family comes first, yeah? We wrote a skit for the three of you, and it’ll be brilliant.”

“What are we doing?” John asked, curious. Comedy wasn’t exactly something he did a lot, and he was a bit anxious. “I’m not quite sure I’ve gotten all of the information - and I’m not at all sure what you want with Tony.”

“Understandable. We just finished the scripts today, so even we weren’t sure what you’d be doing until then. We could only give you a rough idea. You’ll be playing yourselves: John and Rose Noble, and Tony Tyler.”

“Oh?”

Catherine clasped her hands together excitedly and nodded. “In this sketch, you’ll be taking Tony to see Santa. As it happens, Santa and his elf,” she pointed to herself, “are big fans of the show. They’re going to fangirl out a bit over you two and the show.”

“That could be fun,” Rose mused.

John nodded. “Sounds good.”

“Excellent!” The redhead bounced on the balls of her feet for a minute. “I’m assuming you’ve both done improv?”

“Not in front of a half a million viewers,” John joked, a little nervously. Rose squeezed his hand.

“You’ll be brilliant,” Catherine assured him, then a man in a headset walked up behind her, taking her elbow and murmuring in her ear. She nodded at the man then turned back to John and Rose. “The show starts at eight, so there are a few hours to rehearse. You guys have free rein over the studio, and anyone will be happy to show you around after you rehearse. Just make sure that the AD, Miles, knows where you are.”

“Yes, ma’am,” John saluted, and Catherine rolled her eyes.

“At ease, soldier. Oh!” She bounced over and hugged them both again. “So glad you’re here!”

John nodded. “It’ll be fantastic!”

“Bye!” Tony called, waving excitedly.

Catherine flounced away with a wave over her shoulder, and John looked down at Rose. “It will be fantastic, right?”

“Of course,” she told him, smoothing down his jumper. “You’ll do great. You’ll see.”

Rose peeked out from behind the curtain at the studio audience. “Blimey,” she breathed. “S’more than I thought.”

“It’ll be fine.” John didn’t step over to her to look, and she cut him a look. “It’s fine.”

She turned around to face him, grinning with her tongue between her teeth. “Are you trying to convince me? Or yourself?”

“Both,” he answered easily, slipping his arms around her waist comfortably. “I’m anxious that we didn’t get a chance to rehearse.”

“We rehearsed for two hours, John.”

He shook his head. “That really wasn’t enough; most of the time was blocking with Tony, going over his stunts, making sure he’d be safe.”

“He needed that time. I needed that time, for my own peace of mind.”

John sighed a little. “I know, and I’m glad we did it as much as we did, so he’s comfortable. It’s just... You know how I am about rehearsals.”

“It’ll be fine,” she assured him.

“I know what to do, John!” Tony piped up, and he ruffled the boy’s hair.

“I know you do, mate. You’re brilliant, you are.”

Rose laid a comforting hand on his arm, getting his attention. “We’ve got the script, there’ll be cue cards, and you and I are both professionals. We can wing it if the need arises. No sweat.”

“Hmm.”

A tech wearing a headset and carrying a clipboard approached them. “Mr. Noble, Mrs. Noble - “

“John and Rose, please,” Rose corrected him.

“Of course, and Tony.” The tech gave a smile. “We’ll be going on air in just a few moments.”

“Thank you.” John nodded at the departing man, then he and Rose both squatted down to talk to Tony.

“Have you got this, mate?”

“I know just what to do, John. I’m not scared!”

John grinned at the exuberant youth. “You’re sure?”

“Yep!”

“You’re ready to fall down?”

Tony nodded. “Yeah. I practiced with Santa and Aunt Donna for a while.”

“She’s not Donna, sweet,” Rose reminded him.

“Oh. Yeah.”

John and Rose shot each other a concerned look. “Are you sure that you’re ready for this?”

“Yes, sir.” Tony bounced on the balls of his toes. “I’ll do great. You’ll see.”

Rose smiled and got to her feet. “We’ll all do great.”

Rose waited for the little light above the stage to turn green, then she and John stepped out into the department store set with Tony holding their hands and were treated to tremendous applause. She gave John a grin, figuring it was in her character to do so, and he looked back at her with a smile. Tony’s hand felt clammy in hers, so she squeezed it.

Once the crowd had quieted, she spoke, projecting her voice so that it could be heard.

“It really is nice to get out and do some shopping.”

“It is,” John agreed. “Although I’m perfectly happy to do my shopping online.”

She tossed a little glimpse at the cue card. “Sure you are. But look around you, John! The air smells like a beautiful combination of mint and pine, plus something baking...you can hear carolers in the distance...and besides all of that, we promised to bring Tony to see Santa today.”

“Can I have a candy cane?” Tony piped up right on cue from between them.

“If Santa says it’s okay.”

With that, they all looked up at Santa. He was sitting on a throne-like chair of green velvet to one side of the set. Beside him stood Catherine Tate in an elf costume, working as his assistant. Neither Santa nor Catherine had acknowledged them: he was still silently conferring with the child in his lap. On cue, he nudged the little boy off and Catherine handed him a candy cane, waving the child off with his ‘mother’.

John, Rose, and Tony stepped forward, and Tony went to sit on Santa’s lap. Once there, Santa asked in a robust voice, “Well, little boy, have you been naughty or nice this year?”

“Nice,” Tony answered without hesitation. Rose smiled - her brother seemed to enjoy the spotlight as much as she did.

“Well, let’s just see what your mum and dad have to say about that.” Santa turned his attention from Tony and looked up at John and Rose. Without a word, he shot to his feet and tumbled the poor boy to the floor. Tony let out a little giggle when he landed on the thick, snow-covered pad that was waiting there for him.

“Holy reindeer hooves, you’re Bridget and Asher!”

Rose had reached forward to help Tony to his feet, then pulled him back against her with a frown.

“Actually,” John started, following the script. “We’re -”

“John and Rose, you dolt!” Catherine said with a smack to Santa’s shoulder. “Bridget and Asher are make-believe! You should know all about make-believe what with your career choice, dumbo!”

Santa didn’t pay much attention to her, just hopped excitedly. “This is the best day ever! I’m a huge fan of Alpha Epsilon.”

“We’re huge fans,” Catherine corrected with a dirty look to Santa. “Both of us!”

“Always nice to meet a fan,” Rose smiled graciously. “But I think -”

“I’ve seen every episode at least twice,” Santa babbled. “Most of them three times. My favorite is the one where Gareth -”

Catherine spoke overtop of him. “And that episode where you kiss? Nearly wore out the DVR!”

John cut his eyes to Rose, who was still smiling. “That’s nice. I rather like kissing her myself.”

“That’s true, he does,” Tony nodded seriously. “They kiss all the time. It’s gross.”

The crowd laughed and despite herself, Rose blushed. “That’s not why we’re here, though. We brought -”

Santa went on. “Do you know, I fancy myself a bit of a writer.”

Catherine scoffed. “You shouldn’t flatter yourself.”

“I’m not flattering myself!” Santa protested to her. “I’ll have you know that I had someone tell me that my Student/Professor AU was the best they’d ever read.”

Rose grinned. “What do you write? Poetry?”

“Fanfiction!” Santa declared, raising his hands over his head. “I’m a big AshBridge shipper, and now my ship is canon!”

“Ship? Canon?” Rose asked, feigning ignorance.

“Pirates have cannons on their ships!” Tony volunteered.

“Not like pirates,” Catherine explained.

Santa went on thoughtfully. “Although I’ve been tinkering with a Pirate AU…” Catherine swatted him, and he snapped back to attention. “No, it means that your relationship is official.”

“Yes,” John smiled, checking the cue card. “Our relationship is canon on a couple of levels. But if you don’t mind, we brought -”

“Could we take a picture?” Catherine asked excitedly. Santa nodded along with her.

“It would be so great. My friends - er, the elves - they’d never believe it.”

“Of course,” Rose said graciously. “But if you don’t mind, my little brother was excited to meet you.”

Santa blinked and looked down at Tony. “Of course! Here, I’ll just have a seat, shall I?” He sat down and held his hands out for Tony, who walked over and perched on one of Santa’s legs. “What would you like for Christmas?”

“I want a Death Star lego set.”

“A Death Star? That wasn’t in Alpha Epsilon, was it?”

John shook his head, starting to look a little frustrated. “No, that’s from Star Wars.”

“Star Wars?”

Catherine smacked Santa upside the head, knocking the hat sideways. “Blimey, what kind of Santa doesn’t know about Star Wars? Honestly.”

“The kind that’s Alpha Epsilon’s biggest fan!” Santa announced, jumping back to his feet, knocking poor, giggling Tony down again. “Honestly! I have all of the DVD’s, and I asked Santa for the blu-ray versions!”

“You asked yourself?” Rose said pointedly, tossing her gaze down to Tony, being helped to his feet by Catherine. Tony crossed his arms and glared at Santa, his brow furrowed, and he looked so much like his brother-in-law in a temper that Rose had to bite her lip to keep from laughing.

Santa shot a quick look down at Tony, then looked a bit sheepish. “Oh, er, yeah. I did. Asked myself.”

“I tell you what, Santa,” John said, and there was a hint of Asher in his voice. “You sit down and let my wife’s brother tell you what he wants for Christmas. We’ll take a picture with you and even sign it, if you’d like. Hell, I’ll send you the blu-ray versions of series one myself, if that’s what it’ll take. But Tony really wants to tell you about the Iron Man mask he wants.”

Santa looked nonplussed for a moment, standing stock still, then sprung back into motion. “Right! Yes! Of course! C’mere, Tony, let’s talk about this Iron Man mask.”

Tony seemed hesitant to crawl back into his lap, but did so. John put his arm around Rose, both of them watching the proceedings.

Catherine leaned over to Santa and stage-whispered. “Why don’t you let him in on a secret about the North Pole, since he’s been so patient, Santa?”

Santa nodded then leaned his head towards Tony’s conspiratorially. “Did you know that your sister and brother-in-law could go to the North Pole in their ship if they wanted to? It’s thermoregulated.”

“Alright,” John said, pulling Tony from Santa’s lap and passing him over to Rose. “That’s it. Look, we love that you’re a fan, we adore our fans. Without people like you, we’d be out of a job. So thank you. Thank you so much for liking us. But honestly, this time is about Tony, and he’s not getting the best of you.”

“But I wanted to tell you about -”

“No.”

“Not even -”

“I said no.”

Santa looked at him, his eyes confused behind the gold-rimmed glasses. “Well, what would you have me do?”

John fixed him with an Asher-stare. “I’ll tell you what I want you to do. I want you to sit your butt down in that chair, pull my brother-in-law into your lap, keep him there long enough for him to tell you what he wants you to bring him for Christmas. And when he’s done, I want you to give him a bloody candy cane! That’s what I want!”

“Alright then,” Santa relaxed back into his chair. “That sounds like a square deal. But first...how about you tell me what you want for Christmas?”

John and Rose looked at each other. This wasn’t in the script.

“We don’t -”

Santa propped one leg up on the ottoman in front of him, lacing his fingers on his belly. “You can come over here and sit on my lap to do it, big man,“ he said suggestively.

Rose felt her eyes go wide, but John’s twinkled. She had no idea what was going on, but decided to follow his lead.

“I’m a bit heavy,” John warned with one raised eyebrow.

Part of Santa’s beard quirked up, as if he were grinning, and Rose was hit with a jolt of realization.

“That’s alright,” Santa drawled. “I do my best work under pressure.”

“Since you insist…” John started, then all but leaped into Santa’s lap, throwing one arm behind the jolly old elf’s shoulders and crossing his ankles out in front of him, looking like an excited child. Santa let out an ‘oof’ and Rose couldn’t help but laugh. John didn’t pay any attention to him, just started rattling off his Christmas list. “I want bananas - lots of bananas - and half share in Gareth’s ship. That thermoregulator is hard to come by, you know. And I want at least three more seasons of Alpha Epsilon -”

“You and me, both,” chorused Santa and Catherine.

“And more than anything else, Santa, I want a male costar who doesn’t spend half the time on set cutting up.”

Santa laughed, but Tony broke away from Rose’s hand. “Hey! Wait a minute!” He dashed over to Santa and yanked on the beard, revealing a very familiar grinning face under heavy makeup and a pair of round, gold glasses.

“Uncle Jack!”

“Merry Christmas, kiddo.”

The crowd went wild while John clambered to his feet and Jack stood up, sweeping off his hat and taking a bow. The script totally blown out of the window, Jack scooped up Tony to hold him on one hip and encouraged the boy to wave to the cheering people.

Catherine took over, stepping in front of the camera and raising her voice to be heard above the din of the crowd. “Stick around, we’ll be right back!”

Jack was still beaming when the light overtop of the camera went off, and Rose stepped forward to hug him. “I thought you’d flown to the States for the Holidays?”

“Well, I couldn’t miss the chance to do something for charity, could I? My plane leaves tomorrow afternoon.”

John slapped Jack on the shoulder. “Damned glad to see you, Jack. And probably some of your best acting ever - I didn’t even know it was you until you tried to make a pull.”

“Well, of course! Never one to miss an opportunity, am I?”

“That was his idea, by the way,” Catherine threw in. Rose and John laughed.

“Oh, I’m not at all surprised,” Rose said.

A heavily pregnant woman waddled towards them from the general direction of the audience, swatting at her husband, Lee, who was hovering by her side with a hand on the small of her back, trying to help her along.

“Leave me alone. I can barely see my feet, but I can see the cables, you dolt. I’m pregnant, not fragile!” Lee shot a look at John, who shrugged, both looking fond but exasperated.

“Certainly not fragile,” John muttered just loud enough for Rose to hear. She elbowed him.

“Uncle Lee! Aunt Donna!” Tony came barrelling towards them, and Lee deftly stepped in front of Donna before the boy’s head could collide with her belly, pulling him up into his arms.

“You did great, kiddo,” Donna praised, ruffling Tony’s hair.

“Did you see Catherine, Aunt Donna? She looks just like you! I thought she was you for a little bit!”

“That’s true, Donna,” Rose said. “He’s been calling her ‘Aunt Donna’ all day.”

“I don’t see it,” Donna said, crossing her arms.

“Don’t see what?”

Donna gestured towards Catherine. “I don’t see the resemblance.”

“You don’t?” four voices chorused together.

She shook her head again, and Catherine smiled graciously. “Well, I would be pleased if you did. I’ve heard a lot wonderful things about you.”

“Oh, I like her.”

John stepped forward to make introductions. “Donna, Lee, this is Catherine Tate. Catherine, this is my sister, Donna, and her husband, Lee.”

“So pleased to meet you!” Catherine cooed, stepping forward to hug Lee, who was closer, and then a pregnant Donna.

Jack looked back and forth between the two redheads and sat Tony down. “Oh, you do not want to know what I’m thinking right now,” he said with a lascivious grin.

Lee’s face flushed, but he stammered, “M-m-me, too.”

Donna glared at both of them and muttered something about bloody perverts.

“Oi, you lot! Little ears!” Rose protested, pulling Tony over to herself.

Jack took a couple of steps towards John and covered his big ears, stage whispering, “You do not want to know what us bloody perverts are thinking right now.”

John gave him a little shove, batting the other man’s hands away from his ears, and the whole group burst out laughing.

All except for little Tony, who had crept away to Santa’s seat and was digging in the basket of candy canes.