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“I don’t understand how you always seem to convince me to go with you.” Arthur trudged through the swamps of the latest planet Ford had gotten them crash-landed on. “I don’t know why I keep enabling this.” His slipper was taken by the thick, sticky mud and he desperately tried to sort himself out by hopping up and down on one foot, but then the mud decided to claim his other slipper, so he resorted to falling face down into the murk. “I’ll have you know, I really hate this.”
“Psh. You sound like Marvin.” Ford stopped and watched his friend struggle to his feet. He tutted in quiet disapproval. “You do know that I would never trick you into coming with me, right?”
“Yes, Ford. I know. That doesn’t mean I have to like my choices.” Arthur wiped the mud from his face with an equally muddy sleeve, accomplishing nothing except for rubbing the mud deeper into his skin and the cloth of his dressing gown. He huffed and glared at Ford, who had managed to stay clean. “Why are we even here, again?”
“I already told you, Arthur. We’re going to get laid.” Ford rolled his eyes. This was a human trait, not one that the Betelgeusians had developed, and it made Arthur’s chest flutter knowing that Ford was doing it specifically for him. Then, the feeling soured when he realized that actually meant that Ford exclusively rolled his eyes at Arthur.
“Right.”
There was a pause. Ford knew Arthur was about to say something stupid.
“Why are we getting laid, exactly?”
There it was.
“What the zarking photon do you mean ‘why’? We’re going to a party to dance with girls and get sloshed out of our minds and then get ourselves laid a few times over so that you stop acting stupid and I stop being angry.” Ford threw his hands up dramatically. Presumably for emphasis.
“Ah. Well.” Arthur sighed. “I suppose you’re right.”
“Wait. Really?” Ford twitched nervously beside him. “I was expecting you to lash out more, really lay into me, y’know? You’re sort of jumpy around the subject of sex.”
“I can’t help that I was raised Christian, Ford.” Arthur scratched at the back of his neck. “It’s just… well… it’s private.”
“Sometimes,” Ford corrected.
“Usually. It’s usually private.”
“Sure, you can think that.” Ford shrugged.
“Alright…” Arthur replied slowly and with a great amount of suspicion. “Anyways, I don’t love talking about it. It’s embarrassing. That’s all.”
“How is sex embarrassing? It’s one of the greatest things ever!” Ford grinned cockily. “At least it is when you know what you’re doing.”
“Yes, Ford, I’m aware. Believe it or not, I actually have had plenty of sex. I know what I’m doing.” Arthur flushed red and shook his head, not understanding why he was saying all of this.
“Hm. Not.”
Arthur stopped in his tracks. Ford kept walking.
“What do you mean ‘not’?” Arthur hurried to catch up as Ford’s long legs took him further away.
“I choose not to believe it. Instead, I choose to believe you’re a blushing virgin and a liar. I was by your side for six years on Earth and I watched you pathetically lust after women from afar and yet I never saw you take a woman home. Therefore, you, my good man, are a liar.”
“That’s ridiculous. Just because I wasn’t taking women home doesn’t mean I wasn’t getting laid.” Arthur crossed his arms smugly. Then his eyes widened at the same moment Ford’s did. This time they both stopped. They turned to look at each other. “Did I just say that out loud?”
“What, you mean the part that heavily implies that you are gay? Because if so, yes. Yes, you did.” Ford grinned and began laughing. Arthur joined in nervously.
“Could we maybe pretend I meant that I went to their houses? The, um, ladies. That is.”
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Don’t back down from this. Not when it’s finally getting good.” He put his hand on his shoulder and stared at him. “Arthur Dent, we are getting you some cock tonight.”
The pair burst out laughing again, Arthur doubled over and Ford leaning back against the nearest tree. They brought themselves to tears with laughter and relief and mutual appreciation.
“Alright, alright. I have to ask,” Ford began.
“You don’t, actually.”
“No, I do. I really do.” Ford took a deep breath, only giggling slightly. “Top or bottom?”
Arthur sighed. “I like women, too. I just… I have a hard time talking to them. It’s easier with men. So, if you’re going to mock me-”
“Not what’s happening. Top or bottom?”
“Ford.”
“I’m more of a top but I appreciate a good fuck as much as the next guy.”
“Ford?”
“Top or bottom, Arthur.”
“Bottom.” Arthur blushed and looked away.
Ford hissed like he’d been burnt.
“I knew I shouldn’t have told you.” Arthur shook his head, his posture deflating. “Fuck off.”
“Ah. Well. Here’s the thing.” Ford cleared his throat. “See, I was trying to be funny, I pushed it a little too far, as I am known to do, but, well, I asked that and- and you’re gonna think this is funny, I know it- I asked that and now I can’t- I can’t stop imagining what it’d be like to, er, to fuck you.” He tactfully ignored the way Arthur choked on his own spit. “Sorry, baby, but now that I know you’re an option, I’m afraid I’m about to make things really weird between us.” He grinned, his eyes half-lidded and seductive.
“You’re not even gay, Ford.”
“I’m pansexual, Arthur.”
“What?”
“Ah. Primitive humans. Nevermind. I like people of any gender. And most sentient species.”
“How did I not know this?”
“Because I spent the last fifteen years on your shithole backwater hillbilly planet where my androgynous features and immaculate fashion sense lead me to getting unexpectedly punched in the face if I so much as looked at a bloke too long. Not that I minded punching back. I love a good bar fight. I like it a lot less when I’m not the one to start it, though.”
“Oh.” Arthur sized Ford up. The alien was, in fact, a little more feminine than Arthur had realized. Easy target. “Yes. That… that happens. You have to know where to look for other… people like us.”
“Not anymore,” Ford reminded him helpfully. “Your shitty planet was utterly obliterated, thank Zarquon.”
“Good lord, man.”
“I really want to kiss you, is that mad?”
Arthur’s breath hitched. He stifled it and cleared his throat. “Yes, that’s mad. You just insulted my planet and celebrated its demise. I don’t want to have casual sex with you, Ford.”
“What would you say if I were to tell you that I don’t want it to be casual, I want it to be because we’re in love and we’ve been in love for six zarking years and, in fact, not only do I want to fuck you into the next year to make up for lost time, I then want to spend that year, and every year after that, with you as my partner, and that there’s a very specific reason I saved you out of all of the humans on Earth and I promise you it’s not because we’re just such good chums?”
“I don’t know, Ford. Is that something you’re likely to say?” Arthur flushed. The collar of his pajama top felt too tight on his neck. He reminded himself that Ford, while a handsome, funny, intelligent individual, was also an alien and, if that wasn’t enough, because it wasn’t, not really, he was also a complete asshole. Unfortunately that wasn’t quite enough, either.
“I’m heavily considering it.” He reached out and grabbed Arthur by the waist, tugging him closer. “C’mon, baby, tell me how you’d react.”
“I’d… well… I think I’d either break down in hysterics or I’d press you back against that tree again and kiss you.” Arthur chewed his lower lip. “I’m leaning more towards the kissing one right now, but it could easily swing the other way at any moment.”
Ford, who prided himself on his decisiveness, lent his expertise to Arthur by reaching out and pulling him into a kiss. Arthur whimpered into his mouth and reciprocated eagerly, clearly satisfied with Ford’s choice, causing him to chuckle. He ran his fingers through Arthur’s hair and sighed happily through his nose as Arthur opened his mouth and let him slip his tongue in. He licked across every bump and ridge of Arthur’s mouth, tonguing expertly at the spots that made Arthur shudder.
When they pulled apart, Ford noticed how beautiful Arthur looked when he’d been kissed silly.
“I think I’ve decided what I’d do,” Arthur whispered.
“Yeah?”
Arthur giggled nervously. “I… well, by god, I think I’d actually agree to it.”
Ford grinned and pulled him into another kiss. They held hands on the way back to the ship. With Ford’s help, Arthur was able to recover his slippers from the mud. By the end of the night, Arthur stopped acting stupid and Ford stopped being angry.