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“I already hate this.”
Ilya’s curse echoed through the empty woods, followed immediately by a dramatic, pitiful whine. In front of him stood what could generously be described as a tent. A few badly placed poles held up a very questionable structure, with fabric hanging awkwardly between them.
They were in the middle of absolutely nowhere outside Ottawa, surrounded by nothing but trees, wilderness, and the questionable decision that had brought them here.
“That’s rich coming from Mr. ‘I think a camping trip would be great team bonding,’” Wyatt called out, putting on the worst Russian accent anyone had ever heard.
He sat comfortably on a log beside a perfectly assembled tent, looking far too pleased with himself.
“Firstly, that is not how I sound!” Ilya shot back, grabbing a guy line and throwing it directly at Wyatt’s head.
“Secondly, I never said that. Liar told you that.”
The rest of the team immediately made sounds of disagreement, proving that nobody was on Ilya’s side.
Wyatt caught the line and threw it back, successfully hitting Ilya in the back of the head.
“It’s like you’re actively asking for skating suicide when we get back…”
“Cap, do you need some help there?”
Luca Haas had quietly appeared beside him, leaning down to inspect the disaster in front of them.
Ilya slowly looked up at him, expression completely blank.
Then he sighed.
“Yes, please, Luca… Just don’t tell Shane.”
Together, the two worked on the tent until, somehow, it started resembling something that could actually survive the night.
Mostly thanks to Luca.
“Thanks, Luca. This is why you’re my favourite.”
“Wow, I really expected to have to do that myself.”
Shane’s voice came from behind them.
Ilya looked over as Shane, Troy, Harris, and Bood emerged from the forest carrying firewood. Shane’s eyes immediately went to the now-standing tent.
Ilya straightened proudly.
“I’m Russian. Of course I can build a tent. We’re bred for survival.”
Shane stared at him.
“You’re from Moscow, not exactly the Russian wilderness.”
Ilya waved him off.
“Same difference.”
———————
Once all the tents were set up and small lanterns had been placed around camp for the night, the team gathered around the middle of their campsite.
Their attention was focused on the pile of firewood sitting in front of them.
“So… anyone want to admit to being a Boy Scout?” Evan asked.
Everyone looked around.
Shrugs all around.
“Bood?” Troy suggested, looking toward their alternate captain.
“I know how to BBQ, not make a bonfire.”
Bood stood up anyway, grabbing the matches and some dry leaves.
“But I’ll certainly try.”
And try he did.
For the next hour.
Eventually, they were down to only ten matches, while Ilya and Troy were both on their hands and knees blowing on the leaves, desperately trying to help Bood getting it started.
“We should’ve gone to Vegas…”
Shane sat on a nearby rock, rubbing his temples.
Yes, he would have hated Vegas.
The people.
The noise.
The lights.
Did he mention the people?
But as of right at this moment…?
He’d happily take Vegas over this. Gladly.
“It’s okay guys! I’m sure we can turn this around, it’ll be good for the socials to show you guys having fun in nature!”
Harris stood up, looking around at the team members scattered around the campsite.
“Love the optimism, Harris, but if we can’t get a fire, we can’t make dinner. And I’m not sure DoorDash delivers to the middle of the woods.” Wyatt spoke while pacing around.
“I’m also not in a very social media mood” Ilya mumbled
Luca sighed before standing up and taking the matches from Bood.
“Never tried before, but I watched a woman on YouTube who lives off-grid in the mountains.”
Everyone turned to look at him.
Luca glanced nervously at the fire pit before kneeling down.
A few seconds later—
“FIRE!”
Everyone froze.
“We have fire!”
Lapointe and Young immediately rushed him, practically tackling him in celebration.
“Why are you so annoyingly good at everything?”
Bood asked.
There was no frustration in his voice.
Only relief.
“I’m really not. I just got lucky.”
Luca rubbed his arm, looking away with a shy smile.
“You did a really good job too, Bood.”
——————
After that, things actually started to turn around.
Thanks to Bood, they managed to get food cooked over the fire, and eventually everyone settled around the flames with blankets and marshmallows for s’mores.
For the first time that day, things felt almost peaceful. Almost…
Shane sat on a log, Ilya comfortably settled between his legs with his head resting against Shane’s thigh. Ilya was impatiently staring at the marshmallow on his stick as it turned black.
“Roz! Get your burned marshmallow away from mine!” Troy’s voice cut through the quiet.
He sat across the fire, bundled under a blanket with Harris beside him, who was already laughing.
“They’re barely touching, Barret.” Ilya looked over innocently before deliberately moving his marshmallow closer.
Then he smacked it against Troy’s.
The result was a golden marshmallow now decorated with sticky black fluff.
Troy stared at it.
Then at Ilya.
“You best hope that tent of yours has a lock…”
“Or what?” Ilya asked, grinning. “You’ll go full Jason Voorhees on us?”
He popped the burned marshmallow into his mouth, looking far too proud of himself.
“Don’t tempt me.”
“Anyway…” Harris interrupted before the two could start another argument.
“Shane, you grew up around here, didn’t you?”
Shane had been distracted watching Ilya with a fond expression, helping wipe a bit of marshmallow residue from the corner of his face.
He looked up.
“Yeah. Grew up about a few miles from the forest opening.”
“Did you ever go camping here?”
“God no.”
Shane immediately shook his head.
“There was this story about these woods when I was growing up.”
“Okay, now I’m interested.” Wyatt, who had previously been half asleep on the ground beside the fire, suddenly sat up.
“Is this the part of the trip where we share ghost stories around the campfire?” Young tilted his head.
“Holtzy telling spooky stories wasn’t on my bingo card”
Shane ignored them.
“I mean… it’s kind of stupid, but the kids around here were genuinely freaked out by it back then.”
That immediately got everyone’s attention.
“So there was this kid who supposedly lived in an old house behind the forest,” Shane began.
“He was kind of a loner. Always wanted to fit in, you know?”
The fire crackled quietly as everyone listened.
“One day, he was hanging out with these two popular guys. They told him he could join them if he went through the woods by himself. They promised they’d meet him on the other side.”
“Because apparently teenagers have always had terrible decision-making skills,” Wyatt muttered.
Shane ignored him, and continued on.
“He was lonely, so he agreed, and then went into the forest”
“At first, it was fine. Creepy, sure. But nothing unexpected. Just a dark forest at night. But the further he went, the stranger it got.”
“He started seeing things out of the corner of his eye. Movement between the trees.”
“Then he started hearing things.”
“Quiet laughs, Whispers. Some people said the voices even called his name.”
Ilya stopped messing with his marshmallow.
“He ran. Faster and faster.”
“But the voices kept getting louder.”
“The trees seemed closer. Until suddenly…”
“Everything went silent. And by then, it was too late.”
Nobody spoke.
Then Shane finished:
“They say you can still hear his screams at night if you listen closely.”
A few seconds of silence passed.
“Is it just me, or does that sound like something parents make up to keep their kids out of the woods?” Bood asked.
“It really does…” Lapointe laughed. “Did your mom tell you this, Holly?”
Shane immediately looked offended. “No! Some kids at my old school did.”
He crossed his arms.
“I’m just saying, don’t complain when one of you gets taken by the wood entity.”
“The wood entity?!” Evan burst out laughing.
The rest of the team quickly followed.
“Whatever.” Shane rolled his eyes and stood up. “Goodnight.” He mumbled before he walked toward the tent.
“Well, it’s been fun,” Ilya said, standing up. “But I should probably go hold my husband and protect him from—”
He stopped. His face twitched as he fought back laughter.
“The wood entity.” His voice cracked with laughter.
“I can fucking hear you!”
———————
Everyone eventually went to sleep.
The campsite fell quiet, with only the sounds of the forest surrounding them.
For a while, everything was peaceful.
Until—
“Shane…”
A pause.
“SHANE!”
Shane woke up to Ilya aggressively shaking him.
“Ilya… what the hell… why are you—”
“Did you not hear it?!” Ilya looked genuinely alarmed.
“Baby, it’s probably just—” Shane stopped.
Because then he heard it. A loud very much incredibly real scream.
Ilya immediately went stiff, and if Shane was being honest he too felt something in him tense up.
Then another scream, followed by frantic yelling.
“GET IT OUT!”
Shane frowned. “That sounds an awfully lot like Troy.”
He grabbed both their sweatshirts and threw one at Ilya. “Come on, you big baby. Troy and Harris need help.”
Ilya pulled the sweatshirt on and followed him outside.
They found Harris standing outside their tent, he was shirtless and holding a large stick.
He looked between Shane and Ilya. “I think your heroes have arrived, bud!” He yelled toward the tent.
Troy answered with a terrified noise.
“You guys okay?” Ilya asked, moving closer. He looked inside, And froze.
Troy was sitting against the side of the tent, pale as a ghost. His sleeping bag was wrapped around him like armor.
And in front of him—
A snake, a very alive snake.
Shane immediately stepped back. “Nope.” He shook his head frantically. “Absolutely not. I don’t fuck with snakes.”
Harris turned to Ilya his eyes pleading.
Ilya couldn’t do anything but sigh. “Of course.” He reached for the stick.
“Come here, snakey snakey snakey.” He carefully started guiding it away. Troy watched in horror.
“Rozanov! Get the fucking snake!”
“I am getting the fucking snake!”
The snake twisted and hissed… Or whatever snakes did when they were pissed off at stupid hockey player kicking them.
“Could you maybe not make it angry?!” Ilya squeaked.
The snake moved closer, then, with one quick movement, Ilya managed to scoop it outside.
Shane and Harris immediately backed away as Ilya chased it farther from camp, still holding the stick and looking absolutely terrified.
“Thank the fucking gods…” Troy finally stepped out. “Took your fucking time!”
Ilya turned around. “If I was that slow, you could’ve done it yourself, Barret!”
He leaned down, rubbing his shin, then he stopped and looked down.
Two small puncture marks…
“You think it was poisonous?”
“Snakes aren’t poisonous. They’re venomous.” Troy corrected automatically.
Shane was already moving to inspect the damage. “Shit. It bit you.” He dropped down beside Ilya, carefully looking at the swelling.
“Yes… I think so.”
The campsite slowly came alive.
“What’s happening out here?” Wyatt appeared from his tent, half asleep.
Bood and the others followed.
“What’s happening,” Shane said, voice suddenly serious, “is someone better have a signal because we need 911.”
His attention stayed on Ilya, the man looked seconds away from either having a panic attack or passing out… maybe both.
“Breathe, baby.” He ran a hand through his husbands hair, trying to keep him calm.
“I’m okay…”
“You’re very pale.”
“Is fine.”
“GOT A SIGNAL!” Lapointe shouted.
Shane immediately looked relieved. “You hear that? Help is coming.” Shane smiled hopefully and Ilya nodded quietly looking very washed out.
“You feeling okay?” Shane asked him feeling his clammy forehead.
Harris came up beside them and offered ilya a bottle of water.
Ilya shook his head. “Feel weird…”
Shane’s expression changed. “Weird how?”
Ilya swallowed“Like… Blergh?”
“Nausea?” Shane guessed with a tilt of his head.
Ilya offered a weak nod, before leaning against Shane’s shoulder.
“What are they saying, Pointy?” Troy asked.
“Ten minutes out!”
———————-
Thankfully, the ambulance arrived not long after.
Shane didn’t hesitate for a second. He climbed in with Ilya, refusing to leave his side while the paramedics worked.
The entire ride felt like a blur. Ilya, was now lying down looking miserable as the paramedics worked around him.
Halfway to the hospital is when the nausea became to overbearing turning into Ilya violently vomiting into a bag the very sweet paramedic had provided.
“Okay…” Ilya mumbled weakly afterward, he was still clutching the bag like there was no tomorrow.
“I officially hate nature.”
Shane looked down at him. Despite everything, a small smile tugged at his lips. “Me too, baby.”
“I’m never ever going camping again.”
“Yeah, I figured.” Shane brushed a damp curl away from his face.
“My poor, poor little city boy.”
Ilya gave him a tired glare. “I am Russian.”
“Yes you are…. from Moscow…. A city”
“Still counts.”
Shane laughed quietly shaking his head, and despite everything…
Despite the terrible tent, the failed fire, the ghost story and the extremely uninvited snake guest.
Shane had to admit, It had been one hell of a team bonding trip.
Just maybe not one they’d ever repeat…