Work Text:
Kris and Susie are on the couch, bored out of their mind. Susie, flicks through the too many yet too few channels on the flatscreen, while Kris is staring up at the ceiling with their covered eyes rolled up into their skull, their legs asleep from Susie’s weight. The two are out of ideas for how to entertain each other and so they wait. Wait for Noelle so they could eat dinner, maybe freak her out by ‘feeding’ each other like birds, cuddle…
And then Noelle finally comes home and...
Noelle, more than anyone, is good at hiding the deep rabbit hole of her troubles. Studying psychology was just as much to help others as it was to understand herself, to notice when she was subconsciously putting on that mask, letting herself be controlled by someone else.
The moment she closes the door, her mask fails to stay put as it dissipates within a second.
Susie notices, but Kris does too a moment faster. Kris will always have the upper edge regarding Noelle and vice versa, but that isn't to say Susie isn't great at it now. They're like Achilles and the tortoise in that way.
They both discern how hollow her breaths are. How her eyes are just... glossing over things. Her eyes had only stopped for just a frame to look at the two.
Breaking through her stupor would've needed Kris and Susie's much practiced natural coordination, but Noelle saves them from that effort when, in the middle of taking off her jacket, she stops, shakes, and falls down on her knees and eventually, her face meets the floor.
Back then, back in Hometown, she would have recovered with a "oh silly me!" or something in that vein. But as an adult, it takes much less for her to break, especially when around Kris and Susie and especially after work. Maybe "break" is not the right word, it's too negative. Regardless, sometimes you need to break.
And so as Noelle lays there face down... she doesn't go back up, but she doesn't cry. Not yet.
When did she stop smiling all the time? When she realized it hurt her more than it helped others. She had dug herself into a deeper and deeper hole doing that, from Dess’ disappearance right until the Roaring.
Susie is first to go up and try to pick her up, yet she waits for Kris to come too. Not because Noelle is too heavy for her alone to carry. Kris just... knows how to carry her better.
And instead of bringing her to the couch instantly, Kris just lays down next to her, mirroring her. Susie had picked up why Kris does that, a technique they discovered independently. While surprising or annoying Noelle can take her out of most slumps, but with moments like this... mirroring helps. Imitation is the highest form of flattery; in this case, empathy. No words are needed from them to say "I'm here".
Susie sits down on the other side of the deer. She looks solemnly down at her and thinks.
Noelle's... she's the greatest person to ever live, yeah? It’s obvious to anyone.
She doesn't say that out loud. Kris knows it, the two agreed upon that a long, long time ago. And Noelle doesn't hear it… yet, maybe later. That's what she gathers from Kris.
Hesitantly and then lightly, Susie starts playing with her left ear and her hair with one of her claws. Enough to comfort and lull, not so much that it potentially stresses her out. She is still the most beautiful person the two have ever known, even when she seems ugly, no matter how rare that is. Even when at her lowest. Susie almost can't comprehend it sometimes, but…
Even if there is something deep in her, something disgusting and taboo and dark that Noelle would either hurt herself to get rid off or hurt others to let out if she found that part of her...
As Susie feels the doe's fine golden hairs weaving, tickling, caressing her hand like a thousand tiny angels blessing every cell which they touch with deep, gentle bliss, she believes...
Even if that part bubbled up to the surface, would that really make everything else that made Noelle Noelle any less real? She was still the girl that was constantly looking for her tail. The girl who gave her that one pen, the candy cane one. The girl who is easily scared by her and Kris. A girl that everyday, Susie caught a glimpse of a memory that weighed on her, each one a snowflake special from the others that together formed the igloo that housed her, and Susie was always invited to come in and learn of a new snowflake. How can she remember so much? Remember, remember, remember... it's a miracle if she can still learn anything new. And yet, learn she does again and again. She is a miracle, after all.
Satisfied with that train of thought, Susie looks to see Kris whispering to her. She... she still can't decipher Kris' quiet mumbles yet, but she understands what is happening.
Kris whispers, and Noelle would oh so subtly stir a little. Every time, Kris copies her movements. They whisper something else, and she would move again just a little. No matter how minute the movement, Kris copies her.
Eventually, Noelle is sitting on her legs, but she is still hunched over enough that the other two would have to bend forward to see her face. And so, neither did. She will show it when ready. "If ready" is what they think, just to not tempt fate. Not with Noelle.
Susie wants to hold her so badly it feels like her heart would cave in, but if she went and held Noelle, the girl would cling to her and collapse before ever uttering anything coherent. Kris wants to shake her, pull her ear, run away, melt into her, make her smile, make her cry. They do nothing.
As if her upper body strength disappears, she limply falls forward until her partners' reflexes end with Noelle's head on Kris' lap, the doecurled up. With her hooves pointed toward Susie, Noelle let the monster unfurl her furred legs, raise them and have them rest on her lap.
And there they sat. The two traded whose lap would seat her head as the other went to fix something.
Noelle had described how it was to eat when in this state. She... she tasted the food, it was probably good, but none of that went to her mind or her soul. Anything good was just a process that happened. Anything she couldn't really eat at that moment was hell. A chore that made her hate herself for not finishing faster.
And so drinks were easier. They didn’t need chewing and mostly lacked texture. It was a gamble if what she needed was soymilk, yoghurt, apple juice, orange juice, or just plain water, but they always found the one she could actually drink eventually. And she would, slowly, slowly, get some part of the drink into her. Like this, taking care of her was like watering a flower. Kris silently thanked their father.
To help the flower grow, the two talked to her, just a little. Susie would whisper some stupid idea only she thought was funny or cool. Kris promised to play the piano, bake her gingerbread cookies that look like Susie and her, and never leave her.
And slowly, Noelle smiled even though Susie's ideas sucked but oh god they're so Susie and anything Susie was a masterpiece to her ears. She remembered how horrible her crush was, the fantasies she thought that only Kris heard... cheese and crackers, but it is embarrassing in a… good way now. Now she realizes it wasn't merely those fantasies she desired from Susie. She wanted, no, needed something stupid. Something crazy. It didn't matter what that 'something' was. She was sure Susie could provide.
And provide she does everyday.
Noelle smiled even though Kris wouldn’t fulfill most of their promises. They always kept at least one of them and... it's the thought that mattered, right? In return, she will promise them anything, anything in return, but she would only utter the promises in her head. It didn't matter if Kris heard them or not; she keeps her promises and she will until they all die and even still.
Noelle’s uncharacteristic silence would break. She would talk about it eventually. That what her patients said hit too close to home.
These are kids with that same Pandora's box secluded deep in their core. And that distance. That feeling of always being gone, not there, belonging somewhere impossible. A slow soul crushing death drive that was too subtle and buried to even suspect for most people, even the patients themselves. Noelle thought she was looking in a mirror, and she couldn't look away, as she noted down words all too familiar. Over and over again.
She didn't show it then at work, but it exhausted her and it brought all of the ‘troubles’ back to the surface, quickly oozing from the crammed hole she had beaten those demons into to cloud and suffocate her. Over and over again.
But it is getting better, all the time. It can't get no worse than the Roaring at least. She... she really is helping her patients. Not to downplay Susie or Kris, but... she wasn't alone. Susie will never leave her side and Kris gets her, always, but Susie is Susie and Kris is Kris. These are ordinary people just like her, rotting on the inside. And if they heal, well, she will too. She got at least two people who will make sure of that. Make sure she knows that life isn't about being (or pretending to be) happy all the time, but being satisfied with life as a whole and living in the moment. Over and over again.
Maybe the career wasn’t the… easiest for her right now. Maybe she should continue visiting her therapist, wait a few months, years before continuing.
But she wants to help them. She couldn’t bear seeing herself, she can’t let others feel like that. She- she has to help them. It doesn’t matter how, she chose this job as a heat in the moment ambition. Maybe she… maybe she could write a book about it instead. Or a song. She just needs to get it out. Get them out.
She doesn’t know how much longer she can be a therapist until she takes a break. Or quits, she doesn’t know. She should stop putting others before her own health. It felt like the perfect decision back then. Now she’s not so sure. Maybe she can help others by… by being herself. That sounds nice. Like something Susie would say. Kris forgets it too sometimes, maybe she should say it to them too. She could draw the line at her mother, her friends… eventually.
But someone just like her? Herself? She’s completely blind. But isn’t everyone? Everyone’s blind without a second opinion. A reference point. A reminder.
Still resting on Kris or Susie’s lap - she isn’t really paying attention - Noelle knows. They’ll make sure. Yeah. They will never stop her from going far, but not too far. She always wanted to be an angel. Every winter, she tries to make a snow angel bigger than last year’s. God, she misses her. But she doesn’t want to die anymore. Maybe there are other paths to growing a pair of wings. Same end, different means. Happier means. Something like right now.
And Noelle smiled. She smiled on a Friday afternoon in their apartment's crowded entryway. And later she doesn't smile while dying or running away. She smiles falling asleep where she belongs, chose to belong. And she smiles as she wakes up in her bed, their soft, comforting, real bed. Together.
And the day after that? She will ask for a vacation, she will tell her patients. Susie will tell her that there are other therapists with experience who will help them. The patients will miss her, but they will get help. She will help them when she can. If she can’t, it helps no one.
Noelle is her, but she isn’t always “Noelle”. She can be whoever she wants and she will still be herself and-
“That’s cool! At least, I think that. You don’t always have to do Noelle things but you will always do uhh, you things. And that’s good. Uhh I’m rambling. Just don’t forget, you’re good and we love ya. Right Kris?”
Kris nods along to Susie’s words before licking Noelle’s cheek and stating “well, she tastes good. Already knew that.”
And she laughed.