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Ilya was addicted to social media. He knew this. Everyone knew this. Everyone loved his posts because he was known for oversharing and chirping. But half of his posts were just for Shane, pictures of loons and inside jokes that no one else would ever get.
One post that confused everyone was the no smoking sign at the Brandt Centre with the caption, “Most important conversation starter of my life.”
People always begged to know where his cottage was and asked if he rented the same place every year or if he had bought one, never knowing it was the view from Shane’s dock. People were just perplexed when he got a tattoo of a loon feather and captioned it, “The scariest things in life are the best.” When people questioned, him he replied, “They scream like wolves and have demonic eyes.”
But there was one post he didn’t make. He never posted directly about Shane. He and Shane were always private. For a long time there hadn’t been a plan to go public. They wanted to be closer than Boston, and they wanted Ilya to be safe if they ever got outed. They hadn’t intended to come out. But the years were wearing.
Ilya had talked management into trading for Ryan Price, arguing that he was treated like a shitty Pokémon card and he acted like one. They had played together on the Raiders and Ilya said that if Ryan was brought to the Centaurs, given a no trade clause and fully embraced by the team, they would have a worldclass defenseman, not just an enforcer. Ryan in turn had blossomed and introduced the team to his boyfriend, Fabian.
Then Troy Barrett had started, he had been so standoffish and cold. At first no one could figure out if he was an asshole. He had been friends with Dallas Kent until he had sided with Kent’s accusers. After warming up, He had started dating human teddy bear Harris.
On the phone with Shane, Ilya said, “It’s not that I want to come out. It’s just… I get jealous of watching Troy and Harris. It’s stupid; I have you. But we just… don’t have that. Seeing them holding hands all the time. Watching fucking Scott Hunter kissing his lovely-too-good-for-him boyfriend Kip on TV… we’ve been together for longer than any of them. But Russia. And the Metros.”
Shane had just made soft, tired, agreeing noises. But it was a week later, when Shane was lounging in their bed in Ottawa that he said, “In three months you’ll be Canadian. I’ll be a free agent in four.” Ilya nodded, stroking his hair. “If I come out to the team, we’ll know if I need to change teams. And then when you have citizenship, we can just tell people and if the team doesn’t like it… I’ll move. JJ and Hayden don’t care. We have friends. We have a life.”
“Do you want to do that?” asked Ilya.
“I’ve been thinking about it a lot, I hate that Fucking Scott Hunter gets to kiss his too-good-for-him boyfriend in public when we’re still sneaking around. Fuck Hunter. I hate that you’re keeping secrets from the gayest team in the league. So, next practice, I will come out. I want our lives to be bigger.”
“Really?” asked Ilya.
“Really,” said Shane.
“If it goes badly the Cents might be able to squeak you in under our cap.”
“That would almost be like cheating,” said Shane with a laugh.
“You’re the one who wants seven Cups.”
Shane had told the Metros and it had been disastrous. They turned on him on a dime. Ilya was glad they didn’t know Shane was sleeping with him because he wouldn’t put it past the worst of them to try and get him deported. The slurs weren’t being whispered, coughed or said behind his back. It was all out in the open. Shane was exhausted and demoralized. Ilya hated watching him suffer.
They both got into Playoffs and Shane looked exhausted over a video call. He said, “In the locker room, I said ‘Look, I don’t give a shit if you like me or not. I want Cup number three. You want Cup number three. You don’t have to like me, you just have to work with me and in a few weeks we’ll have a third Cup we won’t ever have to play together again.’”
Ilya’s season ended with a respectable loss. He packed up and moved into the condo with Anya. Shane said, “You know I can’t have sex during the Playoffs?”
“Can you also not cuddle or kiss?” asked Ilya. “Am I the new Jessica?”
Shane laughed and hugged him, “I love you.”
It hurt Shane to have his team turn against him and Ilya wanted to make his days lighter. Then Ilya had to go back to Ottawa to take his citizenship test and passed. That made Shane elated. As much as his team sucked, Ilya was finally safe and a Canadian.
He drove back to Montreal with a car full of home-baked goods from Yuna that fit in with the macrobiotic diet that Shane could enjoy during Playoffs. It seemed like a good celebration during the season. In the condo, stretched out on the couch, Ilya said, “I drafted my big, bold post. It’s really good. But I can wait to post it until you have your Cup.”
“No, no, fuck ‘em,” Shane shook his head. “They hate me and this won’t change anything. I want to celebrate with you. This is part of celebrating.”
So, Ilya got to make the least ambiguous post ever, the one he had wanted to make for years, it was a multiple pictures, almost seeming like a photo dump. The first was a photo by the lake, Shane and he were in swimsuits. Shane had his arm around Ilya’s waist and was grinning at David behind the camera. Ilya was kissing his cheek and had his eyes closed. It wasn’t a jokey photo; it was a genuine moment from the cottage. The second was a photo in the Hollanders’ living room where Ilya was on the floor helping David with a puzzle at the coffee table and Shane was fast asleep with his head in Ilya’s lap. The third was of him, Shane, the Pikes and the Marleaus in Ilya’s hot tub in the snow, all toasting Yuna who had taken the picture. It was obviously three couples in a hot tub, not just a group of friends. The fourth was Shane and Anya curled together, fast asleep. The fifth was Shane and Svetlana cooking together. She was laughing at something he had said. The sixth was at the firepit at the cottage. Rose and JJ were there. Ilya had his head in Shane’s lap as they all ate toasted marshmallows. JJ had a look of concentration on his face as he toasted one perfectly. Rose was eating one that was totally blackened and she looked was thrilled. The seventh was them holding each other close and dancing in tuxes in a Vegas penthouse after an award ceremony. Yuna was laughing on the couch behind them with a flute of champagne.
He had to take photos of the physical photos. David and Yuna had couple-y pictures of them that they had taken over the years. But they printed all of them at home and put them in a drawer in Shane’s childhood bedroom. Yuna said it was too sad not to have photos of their lives, but too dangerous to have them digitally. So, they had years of pictures hidden in the drawer waiting for after they were public.
He posted them with the caption. “As of today, I am a Canadian. I could not be happier. I am celebrating with the always perfect Miss Montreal, my beloved, my favorite person: Shane Hollander. When I was a child, I loved hockey more than anything. After my mother died, I lost my passion. I saw hockey as a tool to get out of Russia. It was just practical, no love. I was the best, unrivaled, peerless. I was bored but I was getting out of Russia.
“Then, a week before the Prospect Cup I met the nicest, most beautiful person I had ever seen. And then I played the hardest game of hockey of my life. It was so much fun to have hockey be hard and unpredictable again. For the first time in years, I felt alive on the ice. Shane, thank you for giving hockey back to me. Thank you for making the game fun, and hard and making me fight for every win.
“Russia has strict laws around homosexuality. That made everything I shared with Shane terrifying for nine years. But, great news, everyone: I’m Canadian now. I won’t go to a Russian prison for being in love with the most beautiful man in the world!
“Thank you to the Centaurs for sponsoring my citizenship. Thank you to the Raiders for trading me years ago when I said I didn’t feel safe as a Russian citizen. I know you thought I meant being Russian in general. That’s not what I meant at all, but you saved my life and you’ll always be my family in America. And thank you to all of my wonderful friends who make life in North America so happy.
“Thank you, Shane, for loving me. Thank you, Canada, for making it possible for me to write that down.”
Ilya was lounging on top of him when he hit post and Shane refreshed to be the first person to like it and comment, “I love you, Ilya. I am so proud of you. And I am beyond thrilled that you’re Canadian. You’re going to become so polite and boring by osmosis. I can’t wait.”
Ilya hearted it but replied, “I better become boring like David and not like you. We can’t both be boring like you.”
His dad replied immediately, “You think I’m boring?” Then there was a laughing crying emoji. Then it continued, “So proud of you, kiddo! Now everyone who has asked Yuna and me why we call you our bonus son will understand that we just couldn’t call you our future-son-in-law. Love you, Ilya!”
Ilya hearted it and replied, “Boring in the cool way. You own so many puzzles! I love you too!”
Yuna replied, “We are so happy for you, boys! That’s wonderful news, Ilya. We can’t wait to celebrate with you both once the Playoffs and Finals are over!”
He hearted it and wrote, “Once Shane is off his diet for the season, we’ll go big!”
The public started to comment, happy and angry. People’s tone varied from celebratory to disgusted. Ilya ignored them. He didn’t care if the public liked him. Then Raiders tagged him in a post.
It was a picture of him and the guys grinning with the Cup. They captioned it, “So proud of our old captain today! Congrats on becoming Canadian. We’re thrilled for you and Shane! Now that you’re Canadian, you’re welcome to come back home to us. We miss you and we don’t like how good the Centaurs are getting. We love you, Ilya!” It had a string of rainbow emojis at the end.
He hearted it and replied, “I love you too! But I really like being two hours from Shane, in the same city as Yuna and David and the Centaurs are getting the Cup next year. We’re on track. It’s the five-year plan. Sorry, fam!”
Cliff posted a picture from the summer before at the cottage. It was of Amy in a muddy sun dress, holding up a giant frog with a face that clearly asked, “Can I keep it?” Behind her, at a distance, were Shane and Ilya holding hands. Shane looked horrified at her holding the massive muddy animal. Ilya looked thrilled. Off to one side, in a shared lounger, Rose and JJ were both laughing.
Cliff captioned it, “I’ve been dying to share this amazing picture of my princess’ latest negotiation attempt since we said, ‘no dogs.’ Both couples in this picture have given me permission to post this. Always have the most fun during our weekends at Shane’s cottage.”
Ilya hearted it and Shane hearted it. Then a comment from Rose popped up, “Honestly, these two posts are a much better hard launch than anything JJ or I would have done alone. We always take great pictures at the cottage.”
The Centaurs posted a picture of Ilya laughing with the team, everyone looking happy and connected. They had captioned it, “So happy our captain is here to stay! We’re so thrilled with the newest Canadian on our team! Congrats, Ilya! We love you for exactly who you are!”
He hearted it and wrote, “I love you too. Thank you for helping me achieve this dream. Next, we will get the Cup together.”
Comments were coming fast and thick on all of the posts. Ilya was carefully only reading ones from verified accounts and names he recognized. They were all sending love, support and congratulations. He was doing so well at not reading the negative one that he was surprised by the anger in Pike’s post.
Pike had posted an audio recording and captioned it, “To everyone suggesting these guys have ever gone easy on each other: you’re all morons with no idea of how competitive they are. Being together just gives them more insight to use against each other. This is a pregame speech Shane gave the team.”
Ilya hit the play button and hear Shane say, “Listen up. Yes, this is the first game he’s played since his dad died,” Ilya turned his head to look at Shane. Shane just shrugged. On the recording, he said, “Remember that we are supposed to be the gentlemanly team and that when Mitty’s dog died Ilya sent a gift basket and a card saying that he was sorry that we had to play when Mitty was grieving. You will not be dicks and do any orphan or dead dad chirps at him. If you do, I will have you running bag skates at every practice for a month.
“The Cents are going to be bringing their best to the table to support their captain. I know that they aren’t our stiffest competition, but today they are focused as hell and want to deliver for him. Do not give them the space to breathe tonight. As for Ilya, his dad was obsessed with the Hollander/Rozanov rivalry. He was always bitter about the second Prospect Cup where I won. For Ilya, tonight is probably a rematch of the Prospect Cup in honor of his dad. He’s coming for blood. But I’ve been staying at his house, he’s not sleeping. He’s up and pacing in the middle of the night. I know for a fact that he didn’t skate for all the time he was in Russia, but he has been at practice this week and is gunning for me. So we are dealing with an exhausted, overly emotional but violence-ready Rozanov. Please be cautious as you shut him down and keep on top of him.”
As it ended Ilya spoke aloud as he typed, “Of course Shane exploited how I was grieving. There is a hard line between the ice and personal relationships. Either of us will use any tool to win once the game starts and the game starts in the locker room. I wouldn’t want him to not use every tool at his disposal to try to beat me. I do the same thing. We won that game three-two, but I was drenched in sweat and almost collapsed on the ice by the end of the game. I needed that brutal game.”
Shane posted a photo of them kissing under mistletoe at his parents’ house from the Christmas before. Ilya was wearing a hideous Christmas sweater. He captioned it, “I love this beautiful, Canadian man. To all the women already shouting that my partner should leave me for them: we’ve been together for nine years. There’s no competition. Ilya’s been mine since before his first professional game. And before anyone chimes in that they slept with him, we weren’t exclusive until we were twenty-two.”
Ilya hearted it and commented, “I’ve already gotten dozens of DMs from hopefuls. I spent years changing my citizenship for you. You learned Russian for me. Ninety-five percent of people on this continent don’t even say my name correctly. We are picture perfect Canadian couple. And they are all idiots for thinking that will change.”
Ilya saw a comment on his post from Kip Grady that said, “You’re the first person to change citizenship for love and not get laid. But that’s just how the Playoffs work.”
Ilya hearted it and replied, “Kip, I saw that problem the minute I was officially Canadian, I thought: I’m not going to be able to celebrate this naked until Shane’s holding the Cup. So, now I’m waiting very patiently. The problem with Playoffs and Finals is I never get laid for weeks because either Shane or I are in them forever.”
The reactions went on and on, but he and Shane threw their phones aside and just cuddled. “I love your accent from super, extreme far west Canada,” said Shane, making Ilya laugh.
“Is that where I’m from? Super, extreme far west Canada?” asked Ilya. Shane nodded. Ilya relaxed fully against him and kissed him slowly.
They started to move together and then Shane pushed him back slightly, “Ilya, stop, if we keep going, I’m not going to stop, and I have a game tonight. It’s the last game before we’re in the Finals. I need to win.”
Ilya nodded, “Yes, if I can’t win, you should.” He carefully sat up and said, “I’m being respectful.”
They cooked dinner together, making lobster and having it on a salad that was far too healthy as far as Ilya was concerned. Then they went to the stadium together. Shane was wearing Ilya’s favorite suit, which Ilya appreciated. Shane looked so pretty in salmon Prada. “I can’t believe you’re going to be in my box as my boyfriend.”
“Jacki is bringing the twins and is hanging out with Yuna, David and me in your booth,” said Ilya. “So technically, you will have six personal fans and Pike will have none.”
Shane laughed, “Have a great time.” They walked into the stadium through the backdoor, showing their IDs to security. Shane kissed him goodbye as Hayden walked in with Jacki and the girls.
“Hello, Pike. Have fun ruining Tampa’s night, boys,” said Ilya.
“Thanks,” said Hayden. “Congrats on being one of us now.”
“Thank you, I’m feeling very Canadian. I am going to go hang out with the better Pikes,” said Ilya. Ruby put out a hand for him to hold.
Hayden flipped him off behind the kids’ backs but said brightly, “Have fun with Uncle Ilya and Mr. and Mrs. Hollander.”
“Good luck, Daddy,” said Jade.
“Thanks, baby,” he said.
“Don’t get injured,” said Ruby.
“I’ll do my best,” he agreed.
Ilya studied Shane. He could see nerves. The team had already sucked about him being gay. Now they knew he and Ilya were together. “I love you,” said Ilya. “You’ll be great.” Shane nodded.
Jacki led the way to the boxes. Up in the box, Yuna and David greeted everyone with hugs. Rose was there too, which was a pleasant surprise. There was catered food, a table and comfortable seats. They had a phenomenal view and settled in. The teams came out for warmups and the Jumbotron immediately showed Ilya. He pointed it out to Jade and Ruby who crowded in front of him to wave. Ilya smiled and waved too.
People booed and Jade’s face fell. “Do they not like waving?” she asked, tearing up.
“They are angry at me, sweetheart,” Ilya said. She started to cry and the Jumbotron operator finally got their act together and cut away. But they cut to Hayden who looked horrified.
Realizing he was on camera he made a heart with his hands and mouthed, “Love you, girls.”
“Look at Daddy, doing his job,” said Ilya comforting both girls with Jacki hustling over to cuddle them with him. “Don’t worry about the boos. They’re just jealous because I’m so much cooler. Daddy, Uncle Shane and Uncle JJ are going to beat the other team anyway.”
After warmup, Ilya texted Shane and Hayden, “The girls are fine. Focus on winning. The best thing you can do is show off.” A couple of minutes later, Shane hearted the message.
They zambonied the ice and then the lights went out for the preshow. Ilya rarely saw the preshows because he was always in the dressing room when they happened. Now, he experienced the fog machines, lasers and projections on the ice. The music was pounding. The girls were dancing with Rose and Jacki. The projections were a highlight reel of the team’s successes. It showed the last two Cup wins and a lot of Shane celebrating. They got to the lineup intro and all of the adults exchanged worried looks. When Shane was finally introduced there was a mix of louder-than-usual cheers and more-menacing-than-normal booing.
“I like your preshow,” said Ilya, he said to Jacki and Rose.
Ilya sang along to the national anthem. He had heard it a million times and always stood by respectfully. Now he belted it out and pointed at Rose, “You are the only foreigner.”
The game was brutal. No one was blocking for Shane. It was a mess. Only his speed and reflexes kept him safe. They had three goals after two quarters. Two were Shane’s, one was JJ’s. When he scored, Shane blew a kiss toward his box. It was how Ilya always celebrated. It warmed Ilya. But he saw that Shane, JJ and Hayden were celebrating together. The rest of the team was giving them a wide berth.
He texted Shane as they went into the break. He knew Shane would check his phone during the intermission. He just texted, “So impressive out there tonight. Feel free to drop your gloves if you want to push them back. I’ll think it’s hot”
He meant it earnestly, but he knew Shane would try to avoid a fight.
“How does it feel to have it out there?” asked Rose, sitting next to him.
“I am more focused on being Canadian and safe than on the fact that people know,” he shrugged. “I know it’s more distressing to Shane. People’s opinions matter more to him. I’m used to being disliked. He’s a people pleaser. The team hates that he’s gay. That he’s with me will make it worse.”
She nodded but said, “I’m so happy for your citizenship. That’s wonderful.”
Ilya’s phone buzzed with a message and Shane had written, “More likely to punch someone on my own team. I can’t wait to find a new team. So done”
Ilya hearted it. He made sure he and Yuna were turned away from the cameras as he asked, “How is everything online?” He knew lip readers were a thing. He didn’t want people to think he was worried. He knew that Yuna, as their manager, had her finger on the pulse.
“Some homophobia, some joy. Some women are angry that you’re with him. Significantly more are angry that he’s with you. People knew Miss Montreal existed. He’s always been publicly single. There’s… I wish I could keep him offline, but I know I can’t. A lot of people are asking if he’s tried not being gay.” Ilya hissed through his teeth. “Yeah, yeah. That’s gonna be so hard for him. Montreal fans are being venomous online. The Centaurs and Raiders fans are pretty much falling in line universally and supporting you. The biggest problem is Scott Hunter.”
“What’s that asshole doing? Kip was making jokes earlier about me not getting laid because of Playoffs. Scott was keeping his mouth shut.”
She nodded, “He still is. People dug up the clip of his old chirp at Shane when they had the fight. They’re questioning what he meant and if he knew and what actually happened in the clip.”
After intermission Hayden scored a goal with an assist from Shane. The Jumbotron didn’t move to their box after how poorly it went before. But the twins went wild with their celebration anyway.
The game ended with Shane having a hattrick, JJ having two and Pike having one. Tampa had only scored two. The win meant they were in the Finals along with Minnesota. Ilya cheered along with the rest of them. Shane was smiling up at the box.
They went down to the family hallway and waited for their players. They met up with other WAGs and all of them were nice, apologizing to Ilya on behalf of their husbands. JJ came out first saying that Shane was doing press and would be out soon.
He hugged them all while quietly, above the girls’ heads, he said, “Hayd is half guarding him. He’s staying to walk him out.” Then to the girls he said, “You looked amazing on the jumbotron, girls. We all loved seeing you.”
“People booed us,” said Ruby.
“People booed Uncle Ilya because he plays for another team,” said JJ. He scooped one up in each arm to hug them close. “Thank you or coming and supporting us.”
“We were mostly here for Daddy. But you were great, Uncle JJ,” said Jade, with the brutal honesty only a nine-year-old could pull off.
“So glad I could put on a show,” He put them down and then leaned in for a kiss from Rose, “Hi, baby.”
“You were amazing,” she said.
He smiled and then to Ilya said, “How is my favorite new Canadian? How was the test?”
“The test was fine. I was prepared.”
“How’s the internet?” asked JJ.
“Rough,” Ilya shrugged. “How is the team?”
“Also rough.” JJ had an arm around Rose’s waist, and she had a hand in his back pocket. They were clearly ready to go but hanging around. “You can go; we’re okay,” said Ilya.
“We’ll wait,” said JJ.
“We’re okay,” repeated Ilya. “Is good of you to worry.”
Both JJ and Rose hugged him goodbye. Guys came out and didn’t acknowledge the Hollanders or Jackie but their wives said goodbye and left with hugs. Shane and Hayden came out and got congratulations and hugs from lots of WAGs. Shane had an icepack on his hand. He hugged Ruby and Jade but he looked exhausted and worn thin to Ilya, not as happy and bright as a man who had just earned his spot in the Finals.
To Comeau’s wife he said, “Sorry, I punched Gil.”
“I’m sure he had it coming,” she said.
“He did,” said Hayden, scooping up the twins, “Hi, babes.”
Shane smiled at his family but was clearly exhausted as he said, “Can we get out of here?”
Ilya drove so Shane could keep icing his hand. Ilya praised Shane’s performance but Shane asked how the internet was reacting. Ilya related the information Yuna had given him. Shane was quiet. “Do you regret coming out?” asked Ilya.
“No, I am exhausted by hiding and I want to hold your hand in public and go on real dates. I just liked living with you in a world where no one else has an opinion except my parents and our friends who love us. It was like our whole life was vacation and now we’re in the real world for the first time ever. And I hate the real world.”
Ilya sighed and took his hand. “You reek.”
“Yeah, Comeau said no one wants to shower with a faggot checking them out. I punched him in the jaw, but I saw that more than a few people agreed with him. It’s been brewing for months. Finding out you and I are together seems to have made people fully verbally drop the gloves.”
Ilya took Shane’s uninjured hand in his and kissed his knuckles. “I love you,” said Ilya.
“I love you too,” said Shane.
“Only a few more games and then I’m pretty sure you’re in our cap and I have lined the team up to win the Cup next year. If you’re with us, it’s ours every year. And an eighth of the team is at least a little gay and our coach is bi. No one will ever blink at you in the shower.” Shane laughed. They got to the condo, Anya greeted them with excitement and Ilya said, “Let’s go shower and then we can walk her.”
“My parents are coming.”
“Your parents know the door code and don’t expect us to be hosts.”
“I can’t have sex in the Finals,” said Shane.
“No, but I can wash your hair and kiss you.”
“That’s a very dangerous game to play,” said Shane.
“I promise on my mother’s tomb not to purposefully get you off.”
“Purposefully?” repeated Shane.
“I am not responsible if kissing and washing your hair is enough to set you off when you’re on a hair trigger. I don’t even think it breaks Cup rules if you come like that. Even if you use me to rub off, as long as I’m not part of it… that’s just masturbation.”
Shane rolled his eyes and said, “Masturbation breaks the Cup rules,” but led Ilya to the master bedroom.
“Wait, really? Then I’ve broken the rules every year. I won it while masturbating thinking about your freckles.”
“I’m not breaking the rules,” said Shane. They both stripped and went to the bathroom. “No sex,” said Shane.
“I promise,” said Ilya. And he was as good as gold, even keeping his hips away from Shane’s. Shane cuddled into him as they kissed and Ilya washed him gently. He felt Shane unwind under his hands.
“I’m going to finish this Cup series in four games. I gotta get out, Ilya.”
Ilya nodded, “Okay, okay.”
They got out of the shower, dried off and went down to the kitchen where Yuna and David were drinking wine. “You can’t have sex during the Finals,” said Yuna, seeming horrified.
“I had to stop her from barging in upstairs,” said David, mildly. “I sent her for a walk with Anya to help you out.”
Shane blushed, “I would never. We were just taking a shower.”
They had snacks and Ilya had a glass of wine while they debriefed the game and the shitshow that was going on in the dressing room and Yuna filled them in on the hellscape that was the internet and all their sponsors. Ilya was losing the Russian vodka contract. Everyone else was being supportive and already talking about how Pride season was coming up way too soon and were scrambling for campaign ideas. Apparently, Reebok and Adidas were talking about a joint commercial and licensing footage from charity event where they were laughing together in suits and sneakers. Apparently, the tagline was going to be “Better together.” Tom Ford and Prada were talking about doing something similar.
“Summer break is two months. We need two and a half weeks at the cottage,” said Ilya. “Shane needs a reset and we love having our friends for a visit but we need that quiet moment to breathe.”
“I know, I have those days fully blacked out,” Yuna agreed.
Ilya could tell Shane was still stewing over his thoughts. People were talking around Shane, but he wasn’t joining in. Then he spoke without it being in response to anything as he said, “I’m gonna make a video.”
“About what, honey?” asked his mother.
“Telling people off for telling me to try to be normal and… I don’t think the Scott problem is going away. So, I’ll address it. You can watch it before I put it up, because I don’t want to make your life harder, but I’m not going to sleep if I don’t make it.”
“Sweetheart,” she said, “say whatever you want. It’s my job to make your life as frictionless as possible. It’s not your job to make that job easier. I have made millions of dollars off of your career. None of your sponsors are going to care if you tell bigots to fuck off. That’s not breaking your morality code. You are allowed to defend yourself. Speak from your heart.”
As they went to bed, they got hugs from David and Yuna. Yuna called after them, “Don’t have sex, I want another picture of you holding the Cup.”
“We won’t,” Shane called back.
“We promise,” said Ilya.
In their bedroom, Anya went right to her bed, Ilya said, “You’ve been thinking about a statement all night, haven’t you?”
“Only since the car,” said Shane. “Let’s just do this.”
He sat on the bed and Ilya said, “Do you want the world to know you have this many pillows?”
“Only you are hung up on the pillows. I like the pillows.”
Ilya sat across from him and opened his phone camera, “Whenever you’re ready.”
Shane took a deep breath and then said, “I know that the news that Ilya and I are together has caused ripples on the internet. To everyone who has been supportive — thank you. If people want to be homophobic, okay, I can’t stop you. But all the people who are saying I should try to be straight, go to Hell. I don’t care if you’re joking or serious. Shut up. I spent years hating myself for being gay. I spent years telling myself it was a phase. I convinced myself that I was sleeping with Ilya because it was convenient. The mental gymnastics I had to do to convince myself that I was sleeping with my biggest rival because it was easy were astounding.
“He could have been deported. We both could have ruined our careers. If people found out and thought we were cheating rather than recognizing that the best games we play are against each other. I mean, everyone knows players do better when they have a girl in the crowd. Neither of us were ever willing to bring anything other than our A-game to the ice because you’re sexier when you’re scoring and the person we wanted to think we were sexy was on the opposite team. Still, people could have thought we weren’t trying, it could have killed our careers, especially when we were young, before we proved ourselves. But I told myself I was just sleeping with him until I met a girl and could be normal like everyone else.
“I spent years feeling ashamed of the fact that I didn’t like girls and couldn’t make myself like girls. I even dated a girl in high school thinking if I went through the motions maybe a switch would flip in my brain and I would be normal. I grew up Asian in a white sport. I grew up standing out for being way better than everyone else on every team I played one. I couldn’t also be gay. So, I tried for years to not be gay, and the shame cut me up. So, go to hell with your, ‘Has Shane Hollander tried being straight?’ BS.”
He took a deep breath, “The other thing that has to be addressed so goes away is the Scott Hunter drama. I know it’s getting dragged up again. Years ago, I said a chirp that was something like, ‘Hey, Scott, you sucked tonight.’ And he responded with, ‘You sound just like him.’ And then I punched him in the face. He later said I misconstrued his words as homophobic and I was keeping my ice clean. I didn’t misunderstand him at all. What he was saying was code for, ‘I know about you and Ilya and I could out you right now while I’m mic’d up.’ But he couldn’t say shit through a mouth full of blood, so I punched him.
“Then Hunter called me later that night and I begged him to spin it, to out me if he wanted to but to say he was making fun of me for being gay, to leave Ilya out of it. Hunter said he had already made that video he released, the one where he said I thought he was a homophobe, the one where he said Ilya and I were friends and that’s why our chirps sound similar… The whole thing outed Ilya and me to my parents and our closest friends who watched his video and knew it was BS. He did out us, just to fewer people than he could have.
“For years afterwards, I thought he was a homophobe who chickened out of outing us because it would make him look bad. When he kissed Kip on center ice no one in my family could believe it. I have no idea why a gay man threatened to out two queer men seven years his junior who looked up to him. I mean I had a Scott Hunter poster on my bedroom wall in high school, and it took me over a year in the League to stop calling him Mr. Hunter and stammering around him. I have no idea what Hunter was doing.” He shrugged. “All I know is that Kip Grady can definitely do better than Hunter.”
He took a slow deep breath and said, “That’s it, Ilya, that’s all I have to say.”
Ilya stopped recording and trimmed off the beginning and end of the video. He logged in to Shane’s social media and posted it for him and said, “What time is practice?”
“Not until one,” said Shane. “Most of the team was gonna go out and celebrate together tonight. Hayden, JJ and I weren’t invited.”
“I’m sorry the Cents only have room for you in their cap.”
“You have a whole Cup strategy that doesn’t include three new players.”
“Yes, but you’re a generational talent and JJ is an Olympian. It’s only Montreal’s fifteenth best player who I would have to be working around.”
Shane rolled his eyes, “I’m sorry that you didn’t get to win a Cup with them without me. That you didn’t get to prove you could do it to two teams. I know you would have.”
“Analysts know too,” Ilya shrugged. “I am Canadian. I have less to prove. I am not fighting for my place. We will win it together next year.” Shane was yawning a lot and Ilya said, “You need to be more like me. Fuck ‘em all. Blow kisses to the crowd whether they are cheering or booing; you’re still winning. Stop worrying about what people think. You’re gonna keep job, sponsors, friends and family. Nothing about our lives is changing. Fans come and go. Teammates get traded, injured, retired. Our friends and family love us. Anya loves us. We had a normal night with your parents. Tomorrow, we have a nice dinner with the Pikes. You just need to get through Finals and get out of Montreal.” Shane nodded. Ilya started throwing pillows off the bed and said, “Now we sleep.”
“Two Canadians in a bed,” said Shane.
Ilya started to strip off and said, “Naked please? I want skin. No sex, I promise.”
Shane laughed. “You say it like you’re the only one tempted.” But he stripped off saying, “For my favorite Canadian.”
They curled close together, listening to each other’s slow breathing and drifted off. As always, when sharing a bed with Shane, he slept like a log. He woke up before Shane, feeling groggy and looked at his phone.
Carter Vaughn and Rose were trending in the hockey community along with Shane, Ilya and Scott Hunter. Ilya went to his page. Carter had posted a selfie from Sochi of him, Hunter, Ilya and Shane. It was captioned, “Story time: in Sochi I explained why Russia wasn’t safe for gay people to Shane and Scott. Scott was quiet all day and seemed skittish around Ilya and Shane. Scott told me it was because his chirp and follow-up video outed Shane and Ilya as friends and they preferred having a private friendship and he felt bad. Later, I watched Ilya and Shane bro hug awkwardly and said to Scott that I thought they were used to hugging each other but not like that. He said if I was right, I shouldn’t say it in Russia. I then panicked — to Scott — about how tactless I was discussing Russia’s homophobia with Shane. Looking back, it was around six weeks after Shane punched Scott on the ice and all of Sochi was hilarious because of how much tension I missed and who I tried to explain the political atmosphere to. I love all three of you. Scott, I’m glad you have gotten your act together. Ilya, you’re an asshole, but I hope you never change. Shane, you’re a peerless sweetheart and have never done anything wrong in your life. Keep punching homophobes who threaten you. I don’t care if it’s my best friend: Scott had it coming.”
Ilya replied, “Vaughny, you are still missing a funny detail. Your whole ‘Russia isn’t good for the gays’ rant started because Shane said he wanted to support Joe in the figure skating competition and you said you wanted to go because you wanted to be an ally. Joe is married to a woman, and they have two wonderful children. The only reason they weren’t in my picture dump of close friends yesterday is I don’t have a photo without the kids, and you don’t post pictures of other people’s kids online. Joe and Shane were on the same team when they were little, but Joe’s mother pulled him after his second concussion when he punched another kid’s tooth out. He kept trying to be an enforcer when he was ten. She said hockey wasn’t good for his aggression or his brain and he could funnel his energy into jumps instead of getting CTE. You were trying to be an ally to the straightest man in Canadian figure skating.”
He saw that Hunter had put up a video, but Ilya didn’t play it as Shane was still asleep. He stroked Shane’s hair softly as he looked at other responses. He clicked on Rose first.
She had put up a picture of herself in a tiara and a sash that said, “Birthday Girl,” getting kissed on one cheek by Shane and JJ on the other.
She had captioned it, “The night I met Shane I hit on him. He informed me he had been seeing someone since he was seventeen. Then Ilya facetimed him shirtless from his bed like a private thirst trap. JJ was there that night, but he was too smashed to make an impression. Shane and I instantly became best friends. After a while I admitted that I had figured out he was dating Ilya but that, as an actress, ton of people I know are not publicly out because of what it might do to their careers and that I didn’t care that they were dating because Shane was great and Ilya probably was as Shane liked him. Six months into knowing Shane, I was bitching about my latest trainwreck of a date and he was laughing his ass off and saying that I should just date JJ as our dating lives were both nightmares. Now, almost two years later, all I can say is, ‘Thanks, Shane.’ Love you, Ilya, so happy you’re on our continent for good.”
Ilya replied, “Rose, I wasn’t thirst trapping him, I was calling my boyfriend to say goodnight and recap our days. I sleep shirtless. It wasn’t calculated. You just got thirsty because I look good in bed shirtless.”
Cliff had put up a picture of him and Ilya celebrating on the ice after Ilya’s first professional goal. He had captioned it, “I was not happy when I was voluntold to host a rookie in my home two months before my daughter was due. Emma was so pregnant and now I was gonna have a teenager living in my house. Then the most charming little asshole moved in with me, and I fell in love with him. So happy you are a North American. I get that Canadian citizenship was easier than American, and I understand wanting to be the same nationality as Shane. I know you’re gonna marry him someday. Love you, brother. You and Shane keep your chins up.”
Ilya hearted it and wrote, “Just imagine Shane and me on the same team at Worlds (or the Olympics is the MLH and IOC get their acts together). We would be unstoppable.”
JJ had put up a picture of him and Shane grinning after their win when they were at their second Prospect Cup. Ilya was in the background looking pissed, all of them were terribly young. He had captioned it, “Who would have thought these two were already a thing when this picture was taken? I’m so happy ‘Miss Montreal’ and ‘Boston Lily’ no longer have to sneak around. Love you both, boys. Will you finally change the contact names in your phones?”
Ilya hearted it and wrote, “No, he’ll always be ‘Jane’ in my phone. If he changed me from ‘Lily’ I would think he was mad at me. I don’t like this picture. That game was a car wreck.”
JJ immediately replied, “It was a great game for us. Sucks to suck, bro.”
Hayden had posted, a picture of Ilya sitting on the floor of the Pikes’ living room, wearing a tiara, getting his nails done by the twins with Amber in his lap. Anya was playing with Arthur. She was in a tutu. “If you told me this asshole would end up being part of my family I would have laughed in your face. Love you, man. I sent you guys a video to Shane’s phone of the kids screaming about how much they love you to combat all the internet negativity. I’m not posting it online because there are so many weirdos who would edit a video of cute kids saying ‘I love you’ and use it for creepy shit.”
Ilya replied, “You are Montreal’s fifteenth best player. But you are an excellent father.”
“Fuck you, dude,” Hayden wrote. “Are you still coming for dinner?”
“Yeah, the plan hasn’t changed. I’m going to hang out with Jacki and the kids while you guys are at practice.”
“Rose and JJ are coming too,” Hayden replied and Ilya hearted it.
All of then Centaurs players had posted love for him and Shane and congratulations on Ilya being Canadian. Troy had written, “When you told us you were bisexual and that Miss Montreal was a man, I never guessed it was Shane Hollander. I assumed it was a friend of Hollander’s. He’s so straight.”
“Your gaydar is broken,” Ilya replied. “He’s a very masculine guy. You’re right that he’s not got a drop of feminine in him. But he could hardly bring himself to hold his high school girlfriend’s hand because it was just too gross, despite the fact that he describes her as the nicest, smartest, prettiest, coolest girl he went to school with.”
He saw a video of Shane doing press from the night before after the game. It was trending from Hockey Hour. Hockey Hour was good about subtitling things before putting them online so he could watch it silently. A reporter named Matt Something-Or-Other who interviewed Ilya a lot started by saying, “So you and Ilya Rozanov-”
Then Shane interrupted, “Can I ask, is you question good or are you hoping to go viral? Because I know when he and I talk about each other it generally goes viral, so a lot of reporters ask us anything to have a clip. If your question isn’t that good, can we do something so much better, Matt?”
“Um, sure?”
“No one pronounces his name correctly. It has always bugged me. You and I can fix that because this will be seen by everyone. As both his rival and his friend me calling people out would seem weird. But it bugs me so much. When my mom and grandfather came to Canada no pronounced his name correctly. And when my mom asked why he didn’t correct people he said it was the Canadian pronunciation. It wasn’t, he was just too embarrassed to rock the boat and correct people. Ilya was eighteen and had been told to be a polite immigrant by his family and Russian coaches. He could chirp at players and about the game, but he was embarrassed, young and didn’t speak good enough English to fix people saying his name wrong. You wanna fix it with me?”
“Do I say it wrong?” asked Matt.
“Yes, I’ve never heard anyone at Hockey Hour say it right.”
“Oh no, obviously I want to say his name correctly,” said Matt Whatshisface.
Shane stirred next to him in bed and blinked slowly, “Hey,” he said.
“Hey, pretty boy, how’d you sleep?” said Ilya pausing the silent video.
“I always sleep better when we’re together. How is the internet?”
“I’m only looking at our friends. I am watching you tell Hockey Hour Matt he says my name wrong.”
“Has that gone viral? I want everyone to say your name right.”
“It has seven million views so far,” Ilya nodded. “Carter Vaughn clocked us in Sochi. Cliff put up a cute picture of him and me. Hayden sent a video of the kids to your phone. Rose put up a picture from her birthday. JJ is rubbing his Prospect Cup win in my face. If he were a year older, I would have beaten him once.”
“Maybe we would have beaten you twice,” replied Shane.
“Shut up,” said Ilya. “Hunter put up a video. I haven’t watched it.”
Shane snuggled into him, “I wanna see.”
“Why? Fuck him.”
“Because everyone else will watch it,” said Shane. Ilya sighed and went to Hunter’s page, he turned up the volume.
Hunter was wearing a hangdog expression in his living room and said, “I can explain what I did to Shane, but I can’t justify it. I found out about Shane and Ilya and few years into their relationship. I was struggling with a lot of shame and self-loathing. I was lonely. And I was so jealous of these men who was so much younger than me who seemed to have it figured out and were happy. My deepest fear was being outed. I was angry about how poorly I was performing and Shane and Ilya chirped at me the same way back-to-back; I was angry at my performance in the game and irritated with Shane and Ilya being happy, talented and younger than me. Instead of shaking it off, I lashed out and threatened them with my deepest fear. I didn’t know how things are in Russia. But I knew I could ruin their careers. I saw myself in them and I hated myself enough that I threatened them with my worst fear. It’s the most horrible thing I’ve done in my life. When Ilya made his video telling Kip he could do better, Kip was like, ‘What the hell did you do to him?’ I swore him to secrecy and explained it. Kip told me to go to therapy. I think it’s impossible to grow up in hockey with the rampant homophobia and not internalize that if you are gay. You have coaches and teammates and parents of teammates saying homophobic things around you and to you your whole life. Even ending up on the Admirals, a team that takes Pride Night seriously, a team with an amazing coaching staff and great guys who aren’t bigots, you’ve still learned that you’re wrong. You can end up with Carter — actively trying to be an ally — as a best friend and still hate yourself. I’m doing a lot better after years of therapy. That doesn’t fix or excuse what I did to Shane and Ilya. They’re both right: Kip could do way better than me. Thankfully, he settled for me.”
Scrolling through the comments, Ilya said, “Carter says he loves Scott and is glad he went to therapy, lots of people want Under Armor to drop him but Under Armor said that they’re proud of him for getting the help he needed.”
Shane picked up his phone and clicked through. He held it between them and a video of the Pike kids played. Behind the camera, Hayden said, “Uncle Ilya and Uncle Shane are having a hard week.”
“Because people booed us?” asked Jade.
“They weren’t booing you, baby. They were booing Uncle Ilya. And they booed Uncle Shane when he got on the ice. People are being unkind to them. So, I thought it would be nice to make a video to say hi and we love them.”
“I can do handstand to cheer them up!” suggested Arthur.
All the kids started showing off their talents to cheer up Shane and Ilya. Jade started to give them a pep talk as Amber did twirls. It was charming. Watching the Pikes playing was soothing. As they watched it Shane nuzzled into Ilya’s chest. Ilya gently tangled his fingers in Shane’s hair. He gently tugged Shane’s hair to move him just a little and saw how the line of worry on his face had eased watching his godchildren. The outside world was rough. But their world was still fine. Arthur fell and Amber laughed, causing her to fall, in turn making Shane laugh and Ilya grinned. Shane tilted his chin to look at Ilya and smiled. “What?” asked Shane.
“We’re gonna be okay,” said Ilya.
“We’re gonna be fine,” agreed Shane.