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As soon as we put him in the ambulance on the way to the hospital, it was like the world around us ceased to exist. It was not possible for a world like that to exist, a world so cruel that it would do something like this. It was not possible to live in a world that can shift so violently from filming a motocross jump to somebody you love being shot and then having to drag them, unconscious, out of the water.
God… he was so pale.
Please, god… if you're up there, please don't do this to him…
"Philip?"
I've never begged you for anything before now…
"Philip?!"
I'll do anything, just please don't let him die…
"PHILIP!?"
I jolted out of my trance, to find Agent Davis sitting right next to me. I looked down and my hands had blood on them. Lukas's blood.
Oh god…
"What?" I asked dazedly.
"Philip, I need to know exactly what happened." Agent Davis said, her voice trembling.
"We… he was riding," I recounted frantically, "I was, I was filming… he wanted to practice his jump he was about halfway over the gap when I heard a loud bang and he was thrown from the bike and I jumped in and pulled him out and he was bleeding and it wouldn't stop and…"
I couldn't go on, and my speech grinded to a sputtering halt as my panic threatened to overwhelm me.
"Nobody knew where you were?" She asked.
I shook my head frantically.
"No… Helen and Gabe knew he was with me but they didn't know where we were going…" I stammered.
The ride to the hospital took twenty-five minutes, and it was the longest twenty-five minutes of my life. Lukas was taken back to surgery as soon as the ambulance stopped. Agent Davis directed me to a seat, but I refused to sit down. I couldn't. She pulled out her phone and started calling everybody and telling them to get down there. After five minutes of calls, she turned to me.
"Helen, Gabe and Lukas's father are on their way."
Another half an hour passed. Now, a full hour since Lukas was shot, the door to the waiting room flew open with a bang, and Bo thundered into the room in a complete panic. As soon as his gaze landed on us, he made a beeline for us.
"What the hell happened?" He burst as he slid to a stop in front of us, "Where's Lukas?! WHERE'S MY SON!?"
"Mr. Waldenbeck, please calm down…" Agent Davis said.
"DON'T YOU TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, GODDAMMIT!" Bo thundered, his eyes wild, "WHERE THE HELL IS MY SON?"
"They took him back to surgery as soon as he got here." Kamilah explained, trying to be delicate, "They need to stop the bleeding and remove the bullet…"
"BULLET?" Bo croaked brokenly, "B-Bullet? He's… he's been shot? Oh no… oh god, no…"
"PHILIP!"
Just as Bo fell apart in front of me, collapsing to his knees with a heartbroken whimper, I whipped around and saw Helen and Gabe running towards us.
I stumbled towards them, and as soon as Gabe reached me, I shattered, collapsing into Gabe's arms with a sob.
"Hey, it's okay." He comforted, "It'll be okay, he's gonna be fine."
"W-What if he isn't?" I croaked.
"You can't think like that Philip." Helen said gently, "You gotta hope for the best."
"You're safe now, Philip." Gabe continued, "You both are…"
"How are we safe?!" I sputtered incredulously, "He's been SHOT!"
I squirmed out of the embrace and stumbled across the hall into the bathroom. I launched myself into the toilet stall and barely made it over the bowl before I started retching, the bitter acidic taste of bile flooding my senses as I emptied my stomach of its contents. Even after my stomach was empty, the retching didn't stop. Even when the retching did stop, the weight in the pit of my stomach threatened to bring it back on with a violent fervor.
I was about to wipe my mouth with the back of my hand, when I noticed the blood still caked there. I stomped over to the sinks, turned on the water, squired soap onto my hands, and started scrubbing.
"Philip?"
I had been so focused on scrubbing my hands that I hadn't noticed Bo enter the bathroom. In fact, I had no idea how long I had been in the bathroom in the first place. I didn't care, so I continued scrubbing. No matter how hard I scrubbed, I could still see the blood. It wouldn't come off it wouldn't fucking COME OFF!
"Philip… come on kid, they're clean." Bo said gently but sternly, "They're clean. You've been in here for an hour."
Ah, so that's how long it's been?
Two hours since…
I shook my head clear of the thought before it even finished.
"What do you want?" I bit out, fighting back another retch.
Bo looked at me for a second, before sighing.
"Lukas is out of surgery." He said, "They took the bullet out and stopped the bleeding. They're going to do some tests later, to make sure there's no brain damage."
"Brain damage?" I croaked.
"He wasn't breathing when you pulled him out, they said." Bo explained, shakily, "They revived him before they put him in the ambulance, but his brain had been deprived of oxygen. They're worried he might have some kind of brain damage 'cause of it."
"Are we…. are we allowed to see him?" I asked tremulously.
Bo nodded, and motioned for me to follow him out of the bathroom. I followed.
****************
Three days passed. No change. The MRI proved that Lukas had no brain damage, but he still hadn't woke up.
I'd only left his side three times. Once a day. Each ended in a panic attack.
The first time, I had to go back to the scene of the shooting and describe what I saw. Having to relive it triggered the panic attack. I realized that since I was at the cabin too, I could be next if the killer found out and that only deepened my panic.
The second day, was because Helen wanted me to try to go to school. I only made it through three hours before succumbing to a panic attack and leaving to head back to the hospital on my bike.
Earlier today, it was because Helen wanted to talk to me. We went back to the house to get a change of clothes, and when I entered the kitchen, she and Gabe were sitting at the table. She motioned for me to sit down.
"Whatever you're hiding from me, I need you to tell me. Now." She said as soon as I'd taken my seat.
I was silent for a minute, debating over what to say before finally settling on the truth.
"I was in the cabin that night. With Lukas." I whispered.
"W-Why didn't you tell us this?" Helen demanded.
"Because Lukas didn't want anybody finding out that…" I started but froze, unwilling to out Lukas even now.
"…That you two were together?" Helen filled in for me, "Philip, we already know you and Lukas are… more than friends. I saw the picture of the two of you that you sent him."
"… Lukas didn't want anybody, especially Bo, to find out he was into guys." I continued, "He swore me to secrecy."
"Did you see the killer that night?" Helen asked.
"…Yes."
***************
I had pretty much been confined to Lukas's hospital room since then. I refused to leave, and there was always a guard posted outside the door. 24/7.
I woke from my light doze at the sound of a knock on the door. I turned in my chair just in time to see Rose walking in. The tear tracks dried on her face told me instantly that she'd been crying.
"Hey." She said quietly.
"Hey." I said.
She stood there awkwardly for a moment. She was looking at my hands, which still held on tightly to Lukas's hand. I let go hurriedly and stood.
"You don't have to hide, Philip." She said.
"What are you talking about?" I asked tensely.
"I-I… I know about you guys." Rose said gently.
I stared at her with wide eyes.
"What did you just say?" I asked with a hiss.
"Philip, it's okay." Rose rushed to placate, "I get it. I was upset at first, yeah… but after Lukas explained everything to me…"
"Wait, what?" I asked, "He… he told you?"
"Yeah." Rose said, "He told me when he broke up with me… I'm guessing he didn't tell you that."
"No. No he didn't." I said, "I… I'm just surprised he told you. He was terrified about anybody finding out."
She stood by the bed, looking at Lukas as he slept.
"Lukas and I have been friends since we were in the first grade." Rose said, "I know him better than almost anybody. I knew something was going on, him telling me just confirmed my suspicions."
"And you're okay with that…?" I asked.
"Well… at first I was pissed." Rose said, "I'll admit it. I was furious with him. That he'd lead me on, cheat on me with a guy… I was hurt. But then he explained it to me a bit better. And I get it. Am I still disappointed in him for it, yeah. Of course I am. But right now, him getting better is all that I care about."
"Yeah. Me too." I agreed.
"Has there been any change?" She asked.
"He's stable. He doesn't need that stupid breathing tube anymore."
"That's good." She said.
She stepped around the bed, and squeezed my shoulder comfortingly.
"He'll be okay. He's too stubborn not to be."
**************
"My mom said something once." I said, "A long time ago."
Of course, I received no answer from my comatose boyfriend.
"She said that watching somebody you love wither away is like watching an angel's halo burn away to ashes." I said, "Or something like that. I can't remember exactly how she said it… I think she was right, because I really hate it."
I trailed off and silence engulfed the room again.
"We've been through a lot, you and me." I said quietly, Lukas's hand clutched gently in mine, "We've come so far. From the cabin, to here…? Seems like a lifetime away."
I looked at his face. Besides the paleness of his skin, he looked so peaceful. So still. Still beautiful even when nearly lifeless. What I wouldn't give to see his eyes open, to see him smile at me again… The tears started falling, and I made no move to hide them, no move to wipe them away.
"I need you, Lukas…" I whispered brokenly, not bothering to hide the tears, "I need you… and that though used to scare me almost as much as it would probably have scared you… but it doesn't anymore. Because this… this is so much worse. Watching you laying here… it's killing me, Lukas."
I stood and sat on the edge of the bed, leaning over him. I pressed a gentle kiss to his forehead, only pulling back about an inch before continuing.
"You're a fighter, Lukas." I continued, "I know you can beat this. I'll help you beat it, and you can help me beat it too… we can do it together."
I gripped his hand in mine gently.
"I forgive you, Lukas." I said tearfully, "For everything. The names you called me, punching me that time, all of it… I forgive you. I don't even know if you can hear me, but I need you to know that I forgive you. I can't lose you, Lukas."
I place another kiss on his forehead.
"I love you." I said quietly, "So much. I love you, Lukas. Please, wake up. Please get better. I can't lose you, I couldn't handle it… I love you so much, just please be okay…"
I saw movement out of the corner of my vision and looked up, and directly into Bo's eyes. I froze. I had not realized he'd entered the room. He'd seen everything. He'd heard everything. He knew. Bo stood there, staring at us, his head cocked in confusion as realization dawned in his eyes.
"Mr. Waldenbeck…" I tried to explain.
"Don't…" He said, holding up a hand to halt me.
I stared at him as he thought, my body preparing to run if needed.
"How long?" Bo finally asked.
Well, no point in lying now.
"The cabin." I said nervously, "I was there too. We were… we were kissing when shooting started. The shooter was about to shoot me when Lukas hit him with the frying pan."
"W-Well, why the hell didn't he just say it?" Bo asked, angry, "So much of this could have been avoided if you'd both have just told that to the police."
"Lukas made me swear not to." I said quickly, "He didn't want anybody finding out about… about him and me. Especially you…"
"Well, what the hell did he think would happen?" Bo sputtered.
"He thought you'd hate him." I blurted, "He was scared!"
"Why the hell…?" Bo stammered, "I would… I would never hate my son. He means everything to me. Hell, Lukas is all I have left… Have I really fucked up that damned bad that he thinks I'd hate him if he was gay?"
"It's not just you…" I interjected, "He was scared about everybody else knowing too."
Bo looked at me with an arched eyebrow, before sighing and shaking his head.
"What a mess." He said.
"Yeah. No kidding." I agreed, refocusing my gaze on Lukas.
Silence consumed us again.
"You really love him?" Bo asked .
"Very much. More than anything else." I confirmed.
He looked at me for a minute before nodding.
"Just… take care of him, yeah?" Bo asked, "He needs it."
"I try my best."
**************
Two more days passed by and again, I found myself sat in the chair, once again holding Lukas's hand. I was trying to block out what had happened in the past twenty-four hours. Recognizing agent Ryan Kane as the killer after seeing his picture on Kamilah's phone. Then ending up bound and gagged in the trunk of his car and hauled out into the forest, with Helen being shot in an attempt to stop him. Then to escape and hear a lone gunshot minutes later and look up afterwards to see Kamilah coming toward me with hand's raised telling me that he was dead because he shot himself in the side of the head. I was taken back to the hospital, where I first saw Helen and Gabe. I was just glad that she would be okay. After I left there, I was right back at Lukas's side.
I shook my head.
It's over now. It's finally over now. I saw the bastard's body. He's dead, and we're safe. Finally.
"It's over, Lukas." I said with a relieved sigh, "He's dead. We're safe now. We don't have to be afraid anymore."
It's about five in the morning when I finally see him start to move.
First, his fingers twitch, then his head rolls from side to side a couple of times. His leg kicked once.
Finally, his eyes open.
"Lukas…" I breathe.
He blinks a couple of times, his eyes getting used to the light and his vision clearing.
"Welcome back." I said tearfully.
"P-Philip." He croaks, sounding as if he'd been gargling nails.
I collapsed into tears, gripping his hand in mine in a vice grip.
"You're okay. You're really okay…" I sobbed, lifting his hand to press kisses into it, "You scared the fuck out of me. Don't ever do that to me again."
"W-Won't."
Thank you. Thank you, god.
******************
The next day, Lukas was finally lucid enough to hold a conversation. Bo spent every minute he could at his son's side, and only left the room to go home and take a shower. While he was gone, lunch arrived, and Lukas was less than pleased with… well, whatever the fuck the food was, because to be honest neither of us could really tell. Nobody had told him what happened with Kane yet, so the entire time he was choking down his meal I regaled him with the full details of what he'd missed. When I finally got to the end of the story, his grip on my hand relaxed. Within five minutes, his whole demeanor changed and his whole body relaxed.
He still had a bit of trouble believing it though…
"So… it's really over?" Lukas asked, alternating between looking at me and shooting disgusted looks at the slop that the hospital passed off as food.
"Yes, Lukas. It's over." I said again, for the fifth time.
"Like, OVER over?" He said again.
"Yes. For the fifth time, Lukas." I repeated exasperatedly with a fond smile, "He's dead."
The door to the room opened and Bo peaked inside. He had a thick coat on, and he saw our hands linked.
"Oh, uh… I could come back if you need me to?" He offered.
"No it's okay." I assured him.
Lukas, poor thing, just looked confused as Bo stepped up to the bed.
"You doing okay, Philip?" Bo asked.
"Yeah. I'm okay."
Bo looked at the so-called food with a frown.
"What the hell is that?" Bo asked.
"Uh, we don't actually know." Lukas said stiffly, looking slowly between me and his dad, "Some kind of meat. Maybe ham…"
Bo reached into his jacket and extracted a brown paper bag with a yellow "M" on the side.
"You smuggled McDonald's into the hospital?" I laughed as Bo plopped the bag right down in front of his son.
"Well, can you blame me?" Bo bantered back, pointing at the slop, "I can't expect him to eat that. That looks disgusting."
"Uh, am I missing something here?" Lukas asked, his voice nervous, "Last time you two were near each other, I remember a lot of glaring and accusations…"
"Oh yeah, we'll be talking about that more in depth later, believe you me." Bo said, "Telling those lies was unacceptable."
"I know." Lukas said, looking away in shame.
"For a while I was surprised Philip is even still here, after the way you treated him." Bo continued, "If I'da treated your mom that way, she'd have kicked my ass. Waldenbeck men don't treat their significant other's that way. I thought you knew that."
That got Lukas's attention, and I winced.
I hadn't yet managed to tell him that Bo, as well as Helen and Gabe, had all been added to the list of people who knew about our relationship.
"What?" He stammered, looking slightly alarmed.
Bo looked at me confused.
"You didn't tell him?" He asked.
"That was next on the list." I said.
"Wait wait wait… you mean, you know?" Lukas said, sitting up straighter in bed, "About… a-about…?"
"Yeah. Yeah, Lukas. I know." Bo said, his voice softening when he saw the look of panicked fear on Lukas's face.
"When?" Lukas croaked.
"I walked in and saw him kiss you on the forehead a few days ago." Bo said carefully, "You ain't gotta act so sketchy about it, kid. I ain't gonna shout atchya for it or nothing."
Lukas looked dumbfounded.
"You… you're not?" He asked, his voice colored with disbelief
"No, I'm not." Bo said exasperatedly, "Now eat your food before it gets cold."
We all ate the McDonald's he'd smuggled in with scarce chatter. Every couple of minutes or so, somebody would make a comment but conversation always failed to start. After the food was consumed, the silence continued until Bo's phone dinged with an incoming text, which he immediately read.
"I gotta go pop in and talk to Helen about something, and then I'll be back." Bo said, giving Lukas a hug, "Love you, son."
"Love you too, dad." Lukas said quietly.
With Bo's exit, we were again alone. We killed some time flipping through the misery that are hospital TV channels.
Lukas exhaled loudly.
"So this entire time, I was scared about what he'd say and I was worrying over nothing?" He asked.
"Pretty much." I said, "Rose has been by a bunch of times, too."
"She has?" Lukas asked.
"Yep."
"She say anything?" Lukas asked.
"Yeah, you never told me that you told her about us." I said.
"Oh, yeah." Lukas remembered, "I forgot to tell you about that. Yeah, I told her."
"Yeah, she kept telling me how she couldn't believe she never saw it before."
"Why?" He asked.
"Because, according to Rose..." I continued, "We stare at each other when we think nobody else is looking."
Lukas snorted at my teasing, looking at me with a smile. After a minute, he finally spoke.
"I heard you, by the way." Lukas said softly.
"Heard me what?" I asked.
"You said that you love me."
I lift my head to make eye contact with him.
"Y-Yeah, I did." I admitted, "I do."
Lukas's face split into a massive grin. The first grin I'd seen from him since he woke up. I couldn't help but smile back. We fell into a comfortable silence during which I played with his fingers.
"I… I love you too, Philip."
My face broke into a teary smile.
After watching the both of us suffer for so long, those five words spelled the end of the nightmare. With those words, the fire was extinguished.