Chapter Text
It had been a few weeks since the disaster regarding Naoto's shadow had transpired, and nearly everyone in Inaba had learned of her true identity. In the grand scheme of things, it hadn't been that long, and she knew she'd just have to wait a bit longer to get used to being treated like a girl again.
Still, there was some embarrassing part of her that desperately wanted to go back to how things were. It clawed and bit at her sensitive, still-raw insides, begging to be allowed into the forefront of her brain. After all, it would've been so much easier, on her and everyone else, if nothing had changed… even if she hated to think that.
Whenever that part of her tried to take control, though, she would shake her head and rid herself of the feeling it brought. No matter what, she would never go back to being Naoto Shirogane, the genius boy detective, ever again. After all, she had friends who accepted her for who she truly was now.
She would just have to deal with the inner turmoil for a bit longer. And, like everyone else, live her life as best she could, no matter how she felt on the inside. So, she put on her uniform, grabbed her bag, and headed off to school.
"Naoto-kuuuuun!!!" A cheerful voice yelled in her direction, before she felt an intense force nearly knock her to the ground. That intense force, was, of course, Rise Kujikawa: her fellow first year at Yasogami High, and her friend, who she'd just happened to arrive at the same time as.
"Ah, hello, Kujikawa-san." Naoto nodded briskly. Rise was always so full of energy, it astounded her. She had no idea how the other girl even managed it.
"Wanna eat lunch together today?" Rise asked, the smile on her face suddenly dropping as she continued, "Senpai said he was busy today, and we couldn't eat lunch together… so if you say no too, I'll be reeeeally lonely…"
Naoto cleared her throat awkwardly. "Ah… alright, then. We can eat lunch together."
"Yay!! Thank you, Naoto-kun!! I knew you wouldn't let me down!" Just as quickly as it had left, her smile returned to her face, as though both expressions had been conscious and intentional. Knowing Rise, they probably had been. "You're the only girl our age who treats me like a normal person. I'm glad I can always count on you!"
Even if I'm only a backup for Narukami-senpai… Naoto thought briefly, before perishing the idea. She knew that wasn't how Rise really saw her. Besides, Rise saying what she did was only one more reason as to why Naoto had to get used to being a girl again, and fast. She didn't want to leave Rise alone like that, when she was so happy to have a girl her age she could talk to.
"Why aren't you saying anything? Jeez, you're gonna embarrass me!" Rise pouted, but Naoto knew she didn't mean anything by it, and so she chuckled.
"I'm sorry, Kujikawa-san. I'm glad you find me to be reliable," Naoto responded. "We… really should be heading to class, though."
"Ack! Oh, you're right! See you at lunch, then!!" Rise exclaimed, before running off in the direction of her classroom. Naoto followed after, and entered her own classroom.
Classes were fairly boring, as per usual, and not particularly difficult for Naoto. They passed by, both too quickly and too slowly. Lunchtime arrived, and with it, Rise, who dragged Naoto quickly to the school's roof.
As they settled in, Rise immediately began conversation. "Sooo, Naoto-kun, why is it that I never see you wearing anything cute? Do you not own any girls' clothes?"
Naoto blushed at the question, feeling immediately self-conscious. "I.. ah… no, I don't. There wasn't much of a point in buying myself any. Besides, I've always found that cute clothes don't really… suit me."
Rise looked lost in thought for a moment, before her eyes lit up. "Well, that just won't do! We'll have to go shopping. I'll find you some clothes that'll make you look adorable!"
Naoto blushed even harder, and simultaneously felt her stomach sink a bit. Even though she knew it was right for a girl to dress like, well… a girl, part of her really didn't want to give up wearing boys' clothes. Not that she was going to tell Rise that, of course. The thought of shopping with her and dressing her up clearly brought Rise joy, and who was she to deny her that?
"Let's go to Croco Fur in Okina City after school!" Rise declared.
"Wh- so soon? Really?" Naoto asked, shocked. She was hoping to have a bit more time to prepare.
"You aren't busy, are you?" Rise cocked her head to the side, a small frown crossing her face once again.
"I… no, I'm not. Today is fine," Naoto said.
"Great! Then Project Make-over Naoto-kun is a go!!" Rise squealed in excitement. She poked Naoto's still-pink cheek. "There's no need to be embarrassed, silly! Once you get used to it, you'll realize cute clothes totally suit you."
But I don't want them to, Naoto thought, before realizing the implications of her own thought process. Had she really made that little progress? Was she really still stuck on the foolish idea that she needed to be a man? She wanted so deeply to be happy as a woman, and maybe… maybe, letting Rise dress her up would help with that.
"Thank you," she told Rise. The uncomfortable sinking feeling in her stomach still hadn't gone away, but she was sure it would once she saw herself looking completely normal in women's clothes.
The two sat in near-silence for a moment, only broken by Rise humming quietly, until Naoto said, "Oh, Kujikawa-san… could I ask you a question?"
"Hm? Yeah, go for it! What's your question?" Rise asked.
Naoto took a breath. "What… does being a girl feel like, to you?"
Part of her knew she wasn't ready for the answer.
"Hmm… I dunno, that's kind of a weird question. Just… normal, I guess? I've never really thought about it. Like, I'd feel weird if someone called me a man, you know?" Rise responded. "Quick, call me a man to prove it!"
Naoto was taken aback by the sudden request, but complied. "Kujikawa-san, you're so… manly. I'm… so glad to, uh, have a good male friend like you."
Rise burst out laughing. "See! It's ridiculous. Doesn't feel right at all. Though, hmm, I guess being a girl isn't great all the time. It means I have to deal with weird guys sometimes… but I still wouldn't want to change it just because of that. What about you, Naoto-kun? What does being a girl feel like to you?"
"I… don't know," Naoto answered, after a moment of hesitation. "It's so new to me that I couldn't really tell you. I asked you because I wanted to know how it was supposed to feel. It's not supposed to feel bad, is it?"
"Nooope! Doesn't to me, at least. Maybe you're just not used to it yet!" Rise encouraged. "You were pretending to be a boy for soooo long that you probably internalized it a bit. I know it felt kinda weird for me when I didn't have to act like "Risette" all the time anymore. But I got used to it! And I'm sure you'll get used to it too."
Rise's words were honestly a relief to hear. They gave Naoto a sense of confidence that maybe she would feel normal again soon.
With that conversation over with, the two finally ate, and returned to their classes. Naoto, though, found it quite hard to focus on schoolwork with the looming thought of after-school shopping hanging over her head. That sense of classes going by both too slowly and too quickly hit her again, this time due to a nervous impatience.
Once school was over, Rise dragged Naoto off again, this time farther away than just the school roof. Naoto could feel her heart nearly beating out of her chest the closer they got to the city. She wasn't ready for this, or for any of what Rise had planned.
"Hmm… maybe we should've invited the other girls," Rise mused. "Ah, well, too late now!"
Naoto breathed a sigh of relief. She was uncomfortable enough with just Rise there, and she had no idea what she'd have done if Chie and Yukiko had joined them.
Rise took Naoto by the hand, and showed her into a bright, gaudy-looking building by the steps.
"Ah, so this is…" Naoto trailed off, looking around the store. It was covered head-to-toe in things she wouldn't even dream of wearing, but could easily see on Rise or her other female friends.
The clerk at the counter seemed to notice them, and she said to Rise, "picking out clothes with your boyfriend?"
Naoto's face flushed a bright red colour once again. She really wished she wasn't so easy to fluster. "N-no, ma'am, we, uhh…"
"Oh, Naoto-kun isn't my boyfriend," Rise giggled at the thought. "She's a girl! We're going shopping together."
"Oh, I'm sorry," the clerk apologized. "If either of you girls need any help finding something, just let me know."
Naoto, against her better judgement, felt that pit in her stomach form once again. It only got wider as Rise dragged her across the store to look at every outrageously feminine outfit she could find, and Naoto felt somewhat as though she was going to be sick.
"Ooh, what about this one?" Rise held a top that was admittedly quite cute in front of Naoto's torso.
"K-Kujikawa-san! Don't you think that's a bit too… revealing?" Naoto pushed Rise's hand away slightly. She turned backwards, and spotted a very nice button-up blouse. "What about something more like that?"
"Ooh, yes! I'll go find a skirt to pair it with!" Rise cheered.
Naoto let out a deep sigh. She was really starting to regret agreeing to come along. Rise looked so happy, but… for some reason, Naoto didn't think she could stomach the thought of herself in a skirt. Everything about it just felt… incorrect. Was it really so wrong to be a girl who liked dressing as a boy? Or was that just her lingering hatred of her own womanhood talking? She didn't know, but what she did know was that she absolutely could not have a crisis in the middle of Croco Fur.
Rise returned with a skirt, and Naoto felt her eyes nearly pop out of her head. "Absolutely not! That is way too short!"
"I know, I know, I'm just teasing." A mischievous smile crossed Rise's face. "Here's the real one." She pulled another skirt out from behind her back, and it was about twice the length of the previous one, reaching to what would be just past Naoto's knees. Though she still didn't like the idea, Naoto felt a lot more confident in wearing that one.
"We should probably find another top to go underneath the blouse, too… ooh, and maybe some cute shoes! Naoto-kun, can you walk in heels?" Rise asked, and upon seeing her friend's flabbergasted facial expression, clarified that she was just teasing again.
After looking around for a bit, the two managed to find a blue shirt to go underneath the blouse, and some cute high heel-less shoes. Even after everything, Naoto still did not want to wear any of it, except maybe the shirt.
"So? You gonna try any of it on?" Rise asked, gesturing towards the changing rooms. "It's better to make sure you like it before you buy it, you know?"
Naoto nodded, a bit shakily. "Yes, I… think I'll do just that."
"And you should take off your binder, too. There's no point in dressing like a girl if you aren't gonna look like one!" Rise said.
"I- I couldn't." Naoto shook her head nervously. "I don't think I'm ready for that just yet…"
"I really don't get you," Rise frowned lightheartedly. "Most girls would kill for a body like yours! But you'd rather hide it away…"
Naoto blushed a furious red. She had no idea how to even respond to that, but she knew Rise was right. It was silly for her to be insecure about something so many other girls envied, right? She was a girl now, so she had no reason to want to hide that part of herself.
Unfortunately, that sound logic didn't stop the thought of unbinding her chest in public from making her feel absolutely terrible. Did all girls have to deal with being that self-conscious all the time? Or was this just yet more evidence to the pile that proved Naoto was fundamentally different from other girls?
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have pushed you," Rise apologized. "You don't have to unbind if you don't want to… I was just thinking, girls' clothes might look less strange on you if you did? Like, maybe that could've been the reason they looked weird on you before?"
"I-it's alright," Naoto responded. "I'm not upset with you, I just… I'll try."
Rise's eyes widened. "Woah, really?!"
"Yes, but if I don't like what I see, I'm putting my binder back on before I leave the changing room."
"Works for me!"
With a deep breath, Naoto entered the room. The mirror in there with her seemed to taunt her, as she watched herself change from the androgynous form she was used to, to someone who was undeniably a woman. Hesitantly, she put on the outfit that Rise had picked out for her, and stared at herself. She looked foreign, like the person staring back at her was a stranger. Looking at herself further, she touched a hand to the side of her face, just to make sure it really was her that the mirror showed.
In that moment, she felt a wish burn inside of her. One that she'd felt many times, but had been sure left her. God damn it. I wish I'd just been born a boy!
If she had been, she wouldn't have to feel like this. She wouldn't have to doubt that her reflection was really her own. She could just go about her life peacefully, being whoever she wanted to be, never having to question herself in ways she didn't want to. Ways like this.
But she hadn't been born a boy. Because of that, she'd have to remain a woman her entire life, and she'd have to deal with it. She'd have to stare at an unwanted body every time she looked in the mirror. Wear clothes she didn't like to appease other people. Be constantly underestimated on the basis of her sex.
She thought she'd gotten over this. That accepting her shadow had meant she'd accepted every ugly part of herself. She thought she was finally willing to live life as a woman, despite the hardships that came with it.
She felt sick.
"Naoto? Are you alright?" Rise's muffled voice called from outside, snapping Naoto out of her funk.
"I'm… fine," Naoto responded. "I'll be out in a second."
With that, she opened the curtains, and stepped out of the dressing room. Despite being fully clothed, she felt naked. She felt wrong. The only thing stopping her from rushing back into that room that very second was Rise's face, smiling at her.
"Naoto-kun, you look amazing!" she squealed. "I have no idea what you meant when you said girls' clothes don't suit you! Maybe it was just the binder?"
"Yeah, maybe…" Naoto said, knowing now that the binder wasn't the reason. Clearly, the reason was trapped within her own head, and Rise couldn't see it. Naoto wasn't sure she could put words to it herself, either. "I think… I want to change back."
"Aww, why? You look so cute!" Rise pouted. "You do look… kinda pale, though. Are you feeling sick? Do you wanna go home?"
Naoto shook her head. "No, I don't believe I'm sick, I just… this was too much for one day. I apologize, Kujikawa-san."
"It's alright, I get it." Rise nodded. "Let's go home. I'll buy the clothes for you, so you can try them out again whenever you feel ready."
"Thank you," Naoto replied, suddenly feeling quite faint. She rushed back into the changing room, and changed back into her uniform, putting her binder back on with it. When she looked in the mirror, she saw herself again, or at least as close to "herself" as she could get. She breathed a sigh of relief.
After exiting the changing room and giving the clothes to Rise, the two left for Inaba once more. They said their goodbyes, their "see-you-tomorrow"s, and both headed back home.
Naoto still felt horrible. That day had been proof that she hadn't gotten over any of the things she'd sworn weren't going to bother her again. Time had made her feel worse about being a girl, not better, and she had no idea what to do. It wasn't even about being a detective anymore, existing as a "normal teenage girl" was just as painful. Why?
Did she really hate the idea of being a woman that much? Did living in a sexist society scare her so badly that she couldn't bare the thought of living in it as a girl? Even when she had friends to support her?
Back when she'd been living as a boy, she had researched ways to change her sex, and discovered that she was far from the only person to desire to do so. There was an entire group of people out there who wanted to do just that, but Naoto was certain she wasn't one of them. Her dissatisfaction with her sex came from how society would treat her for it, not some internal incongruence. At least, she was fairly certain that was the case… she didn't like thinking too hard about it.
She knew the ways that people like that were treated, ostracized from society… she couldn't let that happen to her. Now that everyone knew she was a girl, there was no safe way to change her sex. If she tried, she would surely lose everyone important to her… and be alone, again.
Other women, women who'd been through much worse than her, were still content to live in this world as they were. Naoto was starting to believe that she was just inherently, psychologically weaker than them… mostly because the alternative was far too scary to consider.
And so, Naoto fell asleep early, too much on her mind. She hoped to feel better in the morning, but she knew she probably wouldn't.