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It started off a good day, Peter had found a cool radio, Flash got suckerpunched in the face, and Peter had just seen a cat. With nothing better to do, he decided to follow it. Turns out that was not a good idea.
Peter follows the cute little kitty into a sketchy alleyway, but unfortunately he didn’t realize another person was following the kitty as well. He looks up to see in the distance that a few avengers are getting kidnapped. Losers, he thought as he watched sipping a cup of coffee. He didn’t get a chance to swallow before feeling a cloth press against his face. Damn spidey senses, always failing him when he needs them.
As Peter awoke, he looked around. To his right contained Steve Rogers and Bucky Barnes, who had recently woken up. Happy Hogan and Tony Stark sat to the left of him, the two were still asleep from the drug administered. “Son of a bitch.” Peter mentally kicked himself, he was having such a good day only to be kidnapped with the freak squad.
He notices from across his cell, Bruce Banner lying there in probably a hulk containment cell, completely passed out. ‘I wonder how many drugs they gave him.’ “Why did they grab the kid?” Buff circus freak #1 mumbles out. “Hey! I'm almost sixteen for your information!” Peter calls out feeling the need to defend himself in front of Captain America.
“Forget that, why’s the kid awake with us?” Buff circus freak #2 (Bucky) groaned. Oh yeahhh, Peter forgot a normal person would still be passed out with the other mundanes. “Again, nearly sixteen. Also, don’t be clowning (haha get it?) on me when this kidnapper guy managed to nab three avengers and whoever the chud is.” Peter huffed, he looked down and found his web shooters still on. Not to mention the idiot kidnapper only used rope to tie him, and it was practically coming loose.
Peter easily slips out of the rope. Weird metal arm creature glares at him with something almost like envy. Peter then realizes the three circus freaks and fat guy are chained up. Wow, he really lucked out. “Mind helping us out son?” The ken doll says. “Yes. I do mind, actually. I broke my fingernail earlier. Can’t really risk another injury.” Peter shrugs nonchalantly.
“You sick fuck.” If looks could kill, snow fighter would've brutally murdered him by now. By this point Papa Stark and rando had woken up, only to find a ‘random’ teenager verbally sparring with one of the most dangerous men alive, and his sunshine buddy. Stark sighed, “Kid- I don’t know what's going on, but you’ve gotta get us out of here.” Funny, Peter had tried to join the Avengers as Spiderman multiple times, and instead they ended up needing Peter Parker’s help. Before he could muster a retort, his excellent super hearing picked up footsteps in the halls.
A fugly, crusty, musty shoe looking man showed up, “How are all of y’all awake already?” Rando was still out of it, not noticing who was in the cell with him, “Tony Stark will be so mad when he notices that I'm missing.” Tony smacks him, “I am right here dipshit.” Rando takes several painful moments to process this new found information! “OH!!!! Hi!” Rando exclaims. It is painfully clear that drugs are still in his system. Peter lets out a dramatic sigh.
“Mister kidnapper sir, can you come look at this for me?” The man spun around, realizing Peter was loose. “Oh the boss will not be happy abo-” Peter cut him off by promptly ‘showing him’ his fist. Turns out he used too much strength though, and the kidnapper lost a few teeth. Oops, when he turned back towards the Avengers their jaws were practically on the floor. “Oh I forgot to tell y’all earlier, I’m Spiderman bt dubbs.” Bucky raised his eyebrow. “Just kidding sheesh, only a moron would out themselves like that… in front of three people who are actively hunting him… Hah…”
He smiles, trying to play it off. “So you admitted that you are a moron.” The Starker says with a raised eyebrow. “I was just.. Messing around..!” His attempt to play it cool is not going well. “Sure you were, kid.” Starker’s expression turns scary. He is actively studying Peter, analyzing him like he’s a computer. “Is your fingernail still broken? Because I'll break something else if you don’t GET THESE CHAINS OFF OF US!” The ex-froster metal thing threatens. “You need to calm down. Let's have some quiet time, really think about this moment!” Peter smiles innocently.
The Buckinator practically had steam coming out of his ears. “Hoedown? More like showdown!” Clearly, Happy was still high out of his mind as the others groaned. “Listen kid” The capsicle dropped into the conversation, clearly trying to mediate things. “How about you unchain us, and we’ll let you go?” Irondaddy chimed in with a mixture of starkcasm and genuine pleading dripping throughout his voice, “Yeah, and if you shut your fucking trap I swear on my mom I’ll let you join the Avengers.”
“Dude! That's so not cool to swear on your mom.” Peter calls out. “Yeahhhhhhhhhh his mom is like deed.” Rando mumbles, his words slurring together. “Oh. Sounds good.” Peter begins pulling at the chains. He pulls out only Tony’s chains with a surprising amount of ease. “So? What do you three have to offer me?” Tony snorts. “Smart kid.” He mutters.
“I’ll protect you from Bucky when this is over?” Now that's the deal Peter likes to hear, he undoes the Stevesters chains and the three prepare to leave. “So not only are you keeping me here with the very not sobered, but you're going out with no weaponry or plan?” Peter pranced over then booped Bucky on the nose. “No silly, neither my weapons nor webshooters were taken!” Peter passed out his two guns, three of his four knives, and kept the glitter bombs for himself.
“The kid is fucking mary poppins, pulling things straight out of his ass.” Money man starkcastically comments. “Mmmdemkdmem.” Rando says before vomiting right onto Bucky’s foot. “GODDAMN IT! What the HELL is wrong with you people?” Bucksters yell. “Should we get going? Because that smells..awful.” Peter calls out, motioning them to follow him. Steve glances back at Bucky with a pitying expression. But he still doesn't make any move or action to help him.
KERPLOWW! The boomer looked genuinely dumbfounded as they stopped outside the cell. “Whoops, forgot that gun was a glitter bomb.” Stark tried to act annoyed, but kept cracking up as they walked down the hallway with a less than happy glittery pink super soldier. After a minute, the trio came across the main kidnapper. Peter shouted out, “OH YEAH (spoken like the koolade man), LETS REDBULL HIS WINGS” Steve, who was already over this, closed his eyes and sighed, “I don’t even want to know what that means.”
The main kidnapper charges at them like a bull. Completely head first. Tony just pulls Peter out of the way letting him smash his head into the wall. “How did he manage to kidnap THREE avengers, fat guy, and me… SPIDERMAN!!!!!” Tony rolls his eyes and just pulls Peter along. “Any idea on where the exit is?” The ken doll mentions. This place is like a maze, complex, each hallway leading to another dead end, the lights dim, almost scary, like this place was once haunted. It is hiding so many secrets within these walls, for all that they know.. The exit.. Could be miles away. There could be thousands of people ready to attack them at any moment. What made it especially hard to find the exit was that each door is nearly the same color as the wall, there was no possible way they could easily figure out which one is truly the exit… “Uhhhh.. Guys. I think I found the exit.” Peter points over to a brightly lit door with big neon red lighting, reading EXIT. With many signs on the bottom pointing to it.
“Godammit it’s so cold out here I’m shaking like a stripper in the winter breeze.” The other two sighed, they had given up on trying to understand Peter. “You little #$@##%#@#*# #&#@ !%#@## #@!$#.” Well looks like the foulmouthed metal arm man got out. Peter looked behind him and saw the guy dragging out a confused Happy. Unlike his drugged companion, he did not look too amused. “Well, on that note It’s my time to leave.” Peter skedaddled, Stark the lark called after him, informing Peter when to come to the tower and start his newfound journey as an Avenger. “Steve, buddy, WHY are you covered in glitter?” Was the last thing Peter heard as he ran out of earshot.
A week later. Peter walked in on Natasha and Bucky cuddling. “Guys. Keep it PG! I don't want to see all of that. Also how did scary, foulmouthed, buff circus freak #2, metal arm creature, get a girlfriend?!” Tony steps between them, preventing Bucky from lunging at Peter. Steve is just casually reading a book, ignoring them. He’s gotten used to Bucky’s beef with a literal child.
“Hey guys?” Natasha butted in, "Where's Bruce?”