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“Do you even know what you are doing?” A fugly old lady shouted at Peter. She is standing there with one of those crusty, musty, ugly white dogs. No. Peter has no FUCKING clue what he is doing. He got a job at a fast food place hoping to make some extra cash to help his Aunt May after she lost her job. What he didn’t realize about starting this job is that NO ONE here knows what they are doing. No one even bothered to train him. Just gave him a uniform, slapped him on the ass and told him good luck.
Peter breathed a sigh before ‘accidentally’ cursing the lady out, all with a smile on his face. “And that’s how I lost my job on the first day!” May stared at him, she was about to say something before Peter cut her off. “Anyways, I start at Dairy Queen tomorrow, hopefully there’s no bitch ass grandmas again.” Peter skipped off to his room.
May sighs, “that dumbass kid.” “Oh! And hopefully I won't get assaulted at this job like the last one!!” Peter calls out cheerfully. Peter decided to go on patrol, putting on his suit that is barely holding together. But hey! What could go wrong? Peter wished that just being spiderman could be a job. But not in this economy. Peter begins swinging, helping people, doing flip having fun. Then.. all of a sudden his suit tears, exposing his underwear.
Peter looked down in horror, some fucking loser was already videoing him, calling out to his followers, “And this kids, is why we shouldn’t wear thongs to work!” As he webbed himself some boxers to cover the sparkly red underwear he stole May, Peter heard a voice behind him. “Well hello Spiderman, nice undies!” Peter turned to see none other than Iron Man behind him. “I’m afraid I’ve gotta arrest you for public indecency.” As Iron Man tried pulling him away, Peter pulled a balloon filled with mustard out and yeeted it towards the unsuspecting Avenger.
The mustard hit Iron Man square in the face. “Goddamn it. You really aren’t helping your case.” He drags Peter to the Avengers tower instead of prison. He leaves Peter in a room alone. Peter jumps up and down six times and spins in a circle. Tony walks back in without his suit this time, “Peter Parker was it?” Peter pulls off his mask revealing his VERY embarrassed face, “how did you know my name…?” Tony rolls his eyes, “You aren’t very slick. Anyway, Happy will bring in some new clothes for you and then bring you home to your hot aunt that I've totally not slept with at least six times.”
“Peter, we've talked about this.” May was disappointed per usual, to be honest it wasn’t Peter's first time flashing a crowd as Spiderman, at least he wasn’t commando this time… Anywho, Peter decides to not try his luck again and stays in his room, with nothing to do but build dicks out of legos however, it got boring quite fast. The next day when Peter wandered into the kitchen, May looked like she hadn’t slept a wink. “Peter…” She trailed off as he shoved a few hopefully edible things into his mouth, shook her head, then continued. “Peter, I'm pregnant, and the fathers either Tony Stark or… Bucky Barnes, or Captain America, It could also be Wanda, that's one weird woman I’ll say.”
“It could also be the mailman, Sam Wilson, Happy Hogan, Oh and that one hot waiter, or maybe even… the neighbor's dead dog.” May said all of this so casually that it frightened Peter a little bit. “Oh and I need you to go down to the Walgreen’s fifteen miles away from here to get a DNA test and then get DNA samples from everyone I just listed.” She adds on. “Why me?!” Peter asks absolutely flabbergasted. May rolls her eyes, “Just go or else you will be sleeping in the vents again. Plus you might be able to get a new hot rich uncle.” Peter goes on the long journey of getting the DNA test and samples of each man… women.. And dog DNA, having to fight sharks, bears, and even lions. In the end May finds out the kid is…. Tony’s, Bucky’s and Steves..!
“This shit is why you can’t sleep with half the men in New York. Now we gotta take care of triplets. God May, how am I ever going to be an Avenger now?” After contemplating what to do, Peter decided to go back out as Spiderman and harass some millennials. While he was in the middle of beating some surprised middle aged man into a wall, Bucky joined in and started conversation. “So Pete, I hear I’m going to be a father to your future cousin. Guess you can’t undermine my authority anymore you stupid fuck.” Peter changed targets and smacked the man in the nose, “Whoops.” The fun was over though, and Peter left in a puff (literally, he had just stolen a strawberry flavored vape and was putting it to use). He never even saw the school bus full of elementary kids hurdling towards him.
SMACK, it was a Regina George moment. Except Peter goes flying into the air defying all laws of physics and then comes flying down landing into the concrete road face first. Bucky stands there laughing his ass off at Peter. He literally laughed his ass off. Peter then precedes to get run over by a police car and ambulance…. “I am good..” He barely manages to get before being run over by a toddler riding a tricycle. Peter goes unconscious…. Later he wakes up in a bright blinding white room. But it isn't a hospital room… He’s in a straight jacket.
Peter blinked, he realized he was upside down somewhere. Damn, Peter was totally fired from Dairy Queen by now. While Peter thought to himself a mysterious man’s voice came over the intercom. “MWAHAHA, you have fallen victim to my longstandi- Shit wrong person, Oh my god I’m so sorry have a nice day.” Peter was even more confused now as he spoke to himself, “And this kids, is why you should not do drugs.” Peter chuckled at his marvelous sense of humor as another mystery man showed up, this time through the door. He was wearing a Darth Vader mask and costume as he helped get Peter down and ran, taking him outside. “Bro who is youuu?” The man looked around before taking Peter to an alleyway and taking a deep breath. “Peter” The man started to take his mask off, “I am your father.” Peter blinked for a minute, trying to collect his thoughts as he stared the not-so-mysterious man in the face. “Steve!?”
“That’s right, it is me, your father. Your mother slept with me all the blue moons ago.” (don't question it). Steve keeps rambling on. “I killed your mother so that way I could date your aunt without being shamed for it or whatever. Anyway May and I have been doing it for many, many blue moo-” Peter cuts him off, “ENOUGH ABOUT THE BLUE MOONS! Why? Why did you kill my mom?” Steve shrugs, “you know for like… The plot and shit. I had to have my main character moment. I'm sure you would've done the same thing in my situation.” Peter shrugs, finding no problem with that answer. “So.. can we do father-son things.. Like playing catch, teaching me to ride a bike, go fishing?” Steve smiles at Peter softly, “No. No son. I'm going to abandon you again. Well May and I are going to abandon you for our new child. Sucks to Suck.
Peter pulled out a glock and shot him. “Bye bye cap!” Afterwards he accidentally blew up that Dairy Queen and murdered the rest of the Avengers. After his rampage had ended he was #1 on ‘America’s Most Wanted’, Peter was proud, while Spiderman was the hero (sorta), he himself now had a reputation too. The first thing Peter did after he had calmed down was ram a car into Flash, it was honestly so relaxing. Afterwards he took a small sack full of food and weapons and ran off into the sunset.
Later, Peter then builds a massive tower in the shape of a spider. His new ‘secret’ evil lair! “MUAHHAHAHAHAHAA” Peter yells at the top of his spider lair. He begins to make crazy weapons, stealing a lot of Stark's old designs, wanting to take over the WORLD! Afterall he has every right to start his villain arc. (at least that’s what Siri told him). But then one random day Natasha Romanoff shows up to his tower, slightly pissed. She was the only one spared because she is also a spider, and Peter like that. “Peter. It is not too late to stop this.” She informs him her voice is slightly detached, almost in a mourning way. Peter decides to reply by pulling out a shockgun and shooting her 409 times.