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It had taken him a while. Fuck, that was an understatement, it had taken him like 3 months. But he had finally taught Connor that weekends were for relaxing. NOT for work. The damn android had treated the concept of ‘free time’ as a suggestion and had thought “nah” and instead had completely dismissed the whole concept. Only to keep on working on the weekends, which had bothered Hank to no end.
Which is why Hank was quietly celebrating internally now that Connor was sitting on the couch, watching Sherlock (because of-fucking-course) on the television with Sumo laying on his feet. Each episode it took Connor only a few minutes to figure out the clue, in which he’d loudly complain how obvious it was, yet he kept watching it. God forbid the kid admits he secretly likes it.
Hank watched over the door of the fridge to watch Connor intently staring at the television screen as he noticed how the kid suddenly froze up.
“What? Something wrong?” Hank asked, glancing over at the screen in case Connor was just too indulged in a scene or whatever.
Connor telepathically paused the TV and turned his head to Hank, “no,” he scowled.
Ah, God damn it. Why the kid always gotta think asking if he’s okay was an interrogation.
“Ya suddenly froze up there,” Hank explained.
“No,” Connor said defiantly, “No I didn’t.”
“Yes you did,” Hank countered.
“No, I didn’t,” Connor shot back. Jesus fucking Christ. It was like arguing with a 5 year old all over again.
“Cyberlife really fucked up when they tried to program gaslighting into you. Ya know that?” Hank snickered.
“I’m not-“ Connor started but he got cut off by Hank’s laughing fit.
“Ha ha. Very funny Hank. And by the way. Do I need to remind you I am the most advanced android ever made? I am perfectly capable of lying and deceiving. I just don’t want to,” Connor explained.
Hank snorted. If there was something Connor was bad at, it was lying and deceiving. Even before he officially deviated he was dogshit at it, “sure you are.”
“My social relationship program detects that that sentence was heavily dosed with sarcasm,” Connor accused.
“What?” Hank said as sarcastic as possible, “I have no idea what you mean.”
“You are not taking me seriously in the slightest, are you?” Connor said accusingly.
“Nope,” Hank said popping out the ‘p’ sound.
Connor sighed, “I am currently pre-constructing two hundred ways of how I could strangle you right now.”
Hank barked a laugh and he saw a smile escape from Connor’s annoyed face, “who taught you to be such a little shit?”
“You did,” Connor answered without doubt within a second, grinning like a maniac, earning him another laughing fit. Dragging this orphaned android to his home had been the best decision Hank had ever made.
Connor physically flinched up again.
“HA, I KNEW IT,” Hank yelled victoriously, “I KNEW THERE WAS SOMETHING.”
Connor rolled his eyes, “How could you even tell? My LED was yellow throughout the show I was watching, so it can’t be that this time.”
“Dad instincts never fail.”
Connor sighed dramatically.
“Now what is it?” Hank asked, genuinely curious as to what it was that had startled the android.
“It’s nothing. Drop it,” Connor huffed dramatically.
Okay, Hank’s curiosity most certainly has piqued now. He looked over to where Connor kept glancing whenever the android thought he wasn’t looking. What he found was a spider chilling in between the television and the couch. It was pretty hard to miss as it was around 1 and a half inch.
“Awh. Is Cyberlife’s most advanced android scared of a spider?” Hank teased.
The android's cheeks turned a soft blue. Huh, didn’t know they could do that.
“I’m not scared Hank,” yeah right. Liar, “I am merely… slightly perturbed by its presence. It’s distracting. That’s all.”
Hank snorted, “well, it is pretty big. Gotta tell ya that,” he admitted, “thing’s harmless though. No need to worry bout it. It’s just a spider.”
“Yes, I know what it is,” Connor bit back, still intensely staring at the harmless thing on the ground, “it’s a Lycosidae Lycos. More commonly known as a wolf spider. An arachnid. Although it is venomous, it does not pose a threat to humans. Let alone androids.”
He really had to prove himself huh, “well, if you know all that so well, then why are you acting so afraid?”
“Again, not afraid,” Connor corrected him with a matter-of-fact tone.
“Okay smartass,” Hank sneered, thoroughly enjoying this, “then riddle me this. Why are you constantly tensing up? Thing’s not even moving.”
“The reactions you’re seeing are merely pre-programmed socially acceptable reactions when seeing a spider. Don’t look into it,” Connor snapped.
“Yeah, see. When you don’t say ‘don’t look into it’, it’s practically impossible not to,” Hank said as he stared the android down, who was becoming frantically more blue the longer he stared at him.
Eventually Connor just huffed and settled with, “of course you don’t see it,” as he rolled his eyes. Still trying to look as nonchalantly as possible before slightly faltering, “the thing has eight eyes Hank. Eight. And they’re all staring into my soul.”
Hank laughed, “Good thing those eyes are way too small to be visible,” he gestured towards the spider, “it might not even be looking at you.”
Connor inhaled frustratedly, “not visible for YOU, you mean. My optical units are far more advanced than human eyes are. And since I know you don’t want me to go on about it in detail, let alone that you’d understand it, let’s just say my vision can easily zoom in to see them.”
Sure, how the fuck was he supposed to know that. That must be a rather unsettling sight though, he had to admit. Still, it didn’t make any of this less amusing.
“Well, in that case. I’d say it’s completely rational to be afraid of that spider,” Hank teased, “he might just stare you to death.”
Connor sighed dramatically, “I have a feeling I’m not being taken seriously. And no, Hank. I’m not scared. I’m just bothered by-,” Connor cut himself off with a startled yelp as the spider suddenly surged forward a little, making Connor jump and making Hank laugh so hard that he felt like he couldn’t breathe.
“Most advanced android,” Hank wheezed, “and he’s afraid of a damn spider.”
“NOT funny Hank. It’s doing psychological warfare,” Connor screamed anxiously, dragging his feet as close to himself as possible now that the floor wasn’t safe for them anymore. He pushed himself deeper into the couch.
“Can’t you just do one of your fancy prestructios or something?” Hank asked.
“Pre-constructions,” Connor corrected him, “and no. The pre-constructions were made with humans and deviants in mind, not,” Connor waved over dramatically towards the spider that is yet again just chilling, now a couple of feet closer to the couch, “this terrorist,” Connor said exasperated.
Hank tried not to snort out the beer that he had just taken a sip off and tried to keep his face as neutral as possible, “well, what’re ya gonna do about it?”
Connor’s LED swirled a steady yellow in thought, “I honestly have no idea. It’s not doing anything wrong, except for merely existing.”
“Well, you could take it outside,” Hank offered, “or I could do it for you if you’re too scared.”
Connor huffed, “I’m not scared.”
Hank barked a laugh, “okay, so you do it then.”
Connor locked eyes with the spider again, continuing his ‘psychological’ warfare with the spider as if maybe with winning a staring contest he could will the spider out of the house.
“Well. I suppose the arachnid hadn’t done anything wrong to deserve exile,” Connor eventually settled. Great save Connor, great save. Mister “I can easily lie and manipulate” Connor. Fuckin androids.
Connor didn’t relax though, despite him having ‘made peace’ with living together with the spider. Hank almost felt bad for him and wanted to just take the spider outside himself, but if the damn android had to insist he wasn’t scared… Well, he’ll just have to admit it. He dug his own grave. Besides, this was way too good of a show to pass out on.
“Whatever ya say son,” Hank dismissed, taking another sip off his beer before almost snorting it out again as the android suddenly scrambled trying to stand on the couch.
“HANK,” the android yelped, “HANK IT’S ATTACKING ME.”
The spider had moved and was now standing in front of the couch while Connor was trying to keep his own body as far away from it as physically possible as he stood on the couch.
“Just throw a damn pillow on it or something,” Hank advised, trying his damnest not to burst out laughing, “that should kill em.”
“Hank,” the android said exasperated, “that would be murder.”
Hank’s scoffed and rolled his eyes, but he still couldn’t quite hide his amused expression as he watched the android’s LED swirl a rapid yellow in contemplation before the spider dared to inch closer, making Connor flinch, “Sumo!” the android yelled, “Sumo! Attack!”
Hank snorted as the dog gave a lazy barf, not caring about Connor’s distress in the slightest as the dog rested his head back to the ground, perfectly content to just watch.
“And you don’t think Sumo’d kill em when he’d get it?” Hank asked mockingly.
“That’s different,” Connor huffed, “then it’s nature, survival of the fittest,” Connor gave the dog a betrayed look as he stared at him, “after all I’ve done for you,” Connor whispered dramatically, making it even harder for Hank not to burst out laughing who had already given up on composing himself at this point and was shamelessly doubling over in hysterical laughter, earning him an offended look from Connor.
Hank’s laughter got interrupted with a loud crash as Connor had jumped backwards so much when the spider dared try to climb the couch that Connor fell backwards with the couch.
“Holy shit, are you okay?” Hank asked, immediately concerned.
“I’m not as fragile as you humans, Hank,” Connor shot back as he jumped back easily on his feet. Fucking androids, “it’s got the high grounds,” Connor yelped.
“Ah, shit,” Hank snorted, “sucks to be you,” he said as he watched Connor frantically search for the next best tactic to avoid the spider.
“You know,” Hank exhaled, finally taking pity on the android, “the offer’s still open. I can still take em outside since you’re too scared to do it.”
“Not scared,” Connor said with an unsteadily shaking voice, “but yes. That would be nice.”
Hank grinned wickedly, “You sure? Don’t wanna prove how ‘not scared’ you are?” Hank teased.
“Just do it,” Connor grumbled.
“Okay,” Hank said victoriously, earning him an annoyed glance from the android as he grabbed a glass and a piece of paper, “Sure you want him to be banished? Set out in the cruel cold world?”
“The arachnid has wasted his chance when it refused my peace offering. It has chosen war,” Connor said dramatically, his eyes still locked with the spider as he crossed his arms defensively, “I’d say this is well deserved.”
Hank snorted as he put a glass on the spider and slid the piece of paper under it, effectively imprisoning the spider. He turned around to see that Connor had scurried over to watch over Hank’s shoulder as he imprisoned the arachnid, his face was full of awe, “why hadn’t I thought of that?” Connor said exasperated.
Hank laughed, “as if you’d ever dare come this close to it.”
“I would-“ Connor started defiantly before jumping back when Hank offered teasingly for Connor to hold the glass, “okay maybe you’re right,” he huffed, refusing to look at him as Hank smiled victoriously.
He opened the front door as another idea popped up in his head and he pretended to hesitate.
“What?” Connor asked, “Why are you hesitating?”
“It really is cold outside,” Hank said with faked sorrow in his voice as he pretended to look pitifully at the spider who was frantically climbing inside the glass looking for an escape.
“Oh, please,” Connor huffed as he rolled his eyes, crossing his arms in annoyance.
“You know. I think it’d die out here,” Hank said mournfully, “wouldn’t that make us murderers as well?”
“Plausible deniability,” Connor defended, “now get this over with. I’m getting cold.”
“Thought androids ‘didn’t get cold’,” Hank mocked, earning him a murderous scowl from the android.
“Well, maybe I changed my mind,” Connor scoffed as Hank snorted. It had been obvious from the start that the android was at least bothered by the cold. But imagine admitting that. Back then, Connor seemed to have rather died than admit things like that, so the fact that he admitted it now was progress, to say the least. Maybe Hank isn’t as bad for Connor as he thought he was.
Hank freed the spider, who immediately turned around to crawl back into the house. Before Hank could even register it, he got pulled by his shirt with such force that he almost fell backwards and the door got closed with a loud slam.
“I’ve never seen you slam a door before,” Hank chuckled, “Am I having a bad influence on ya?”
Connor inhaled dramatically, but Hank didn’t miss the smile plastered across his face, “don’t get used to it,” Connor said dismissively before turning his back on him to lift the couch back in place.
Hank snorted, “I’ll never forget this.”
Connor snapped his head towards Hank, trying to look angry but ultimately failing to hide his equally amused look before giving up and laughing as well. “You’re never going to let this go, are you?” he sighed dramatically, “this is going to haunt me forever, isn’t it?
“Yep,” Hank grinned as he walked back to grab the beer he had left on the counter, still feeling giddy from the show Connor had put up before. Who woulda thought androids could be arachnophobic? If anyone had told him a year ago that he’d be basically adopting an android into his home and having to save him from a damned spider, he would’ve scowled at them before waving them off. But damn, if it wasn’t the best decision he had made in his entire life.