Chapter Text
“Dude, oh my God, Pim, look at this pic! Remember this one?”
“Absolutely, Charlie, I’d recognize that spaceship from anywhere!”
“Dude, all the memories from that alien party just came rushing back at me right now, man. That was fucking insane! I don’t even think I remember anything after the fact.”
“Well, you were the one who took the keys to the spaceship and saved us both, Charlie! Don’t you remember that?”
“You know, Pim, now that you mention it, I do remember telling you I was gonna, and then running us the fuck outta there. I think it was all the adrenaline or some shit, man!”
“What’s next? Scroll to the next one!”
“Aw, man, this one’s so cute. All of us at Mr. Boss’ wedding, you look so adorable, dude.”
“You look quite dashing there as well, Charlie!”
“Hey, remember at the reception, some guy came up to us and asked when we were getting married?”
“Oh, of course, yes! You got all tensed up, it was so embarrassing!”
“Hey, man, it’s not like I didn’t see you blush and look away too, Pim! And then Allan overheard that shit and started teasing us…”
“Then Glep too, then Mr. Boss…! Oh dear, it was a chain reaction!”
“That was hilarious, man, that was so funny. We had a good time there, didn’t we, dude?”
“Yeah. We really did.”
“Ahh… man… y’know, Pim, thinking back on it, everyone was right. Everyone was always right, Pim. I just didn’t have the courage to admit it to myself.”
“…”
“Pim? Did I—?”
“I’ve been waiting for you to catch up.”
“…No fucking way, dude.”
“Mm-hmm.”
“Are you pulling my leg right now, man? Are you shitting me?”
“I love you, Charlie.”
“…God, I love you too, Pim.”
It was so easy.
How it came out of the both of them like clockwork. How the feeling came so easily.
The moment looped around in Pim’s thoughts endlessly. To cherish, to remember, to smile at.
Now that he was thinking about it again, the buildup made sense.
They’d been best friends for so long. Lived through so many days at the office. Gone through so many traumatic experiences. Right by each other’s side. When it happened, it was virtually manifesting itself.
It was so easy.
So why did he feel so guilty?
Not about being with Charlie. God, no.
About himself. And how he wanted to set his future up.
Why couldn’t he stop thinking about this?
He laid in the bed, breathing with a spike in his throat, staring at the ceiling, slightly lit by the half-open bathroom door. Sometimes he’d stare downwards and trace-line the calluses on his hands out of boredom, then go back to staring up for the same reason, patting his legs unconsciously.
Charlie was just getting ready for bed in the other room—Pim could tell when he heard his complaining to himself about the flosser not getting in between his teeth, or the toothbrush’s bristles hurting his gums. This made Pim smile, knowing that Charlie could drop his tough exterior and show his softer side sometimes.
Why did he think of it like that? Pim felt even worse. It wasn’t like Charlie was a total asshole who showed no emotion at all. He’s gotten used to him being affectionate, protective, sensual.
He knew he could always talk to Charlie about what was on his mind. Surely that would make him feel a little better, or take his mind off of the problem at hand.
Pim heard the tap turn off, and then the door creak. He looked up and saw Charlie walk out of the light, in his boxers, listlessly scrolling on his phone.
“Hey, babe,” he greeted.
This alone made Pim’s breath intensify. By instinct, he inhaled, clutching his chest.
He was happy with Charlie. Without any doubt. But he felt guilty still. Why?
He knew why, but he didn’t dare think about it further.
Charlie strolled over to the bed, his bored eyes still focused on the screen. Eventually, he sighed, smacked the phone on the nightstand, and sat on the bed as he started to ramble.
“Dude, Pim, I am genuinely so zonked right now. Like, I know nothing happened at work today, and that’s always a blessing ‘cause then we don’t have to worry about, y’know, dying and shit, but I don’t know what’s wrong with me, man. Honestly, I think I was on edge the whole time. I don’t know how Allan does that shit all day. Fuckin’ sorting paperwork and paperclips and such.”
He started with his back turned to Pim, but gradually became more comfortable, stretching himself out and pulling the covers over their stomachs.
“I’m just used to it being the other way around. Filing shit actually takes more energy than anything else for me. It, like, numbs my brain. I swear, the only thing that kept me awake that whole time was watching you look all professional with Mr. Boss and them. ‘Cause you looked so cute today… like, that exact, precise second that we walked through the door and I realized we were both off the clock, my body just completely gave up on me. I’m so spent. But hey, at least I get to crash next to you now, right?”
Once Charlie finally turned his head to really admire Pim’s face, his own faltered. “Wha—?” he muttered, caught off-guard.
Pim quickly realized what a sad sack he must have looked. He shook his head, like a dirty dog, and smacked his cheeks.
“Oh—! Sorry, Charlie,” he said with a forced chuckle, and that sheepish grin he so often used. “I think… that my brain is just as fried as yours. But thank you. You looked really nice today too.”
Charlie was quick to knit his eyebrows. “What’s wrong, dude?”
“No, nothing! Seriously, I’m fine. Don’t worry about me. I’m only trying to remember what we did at work… I can’t shake the feeling that I misfiled something. I got so caught up in my own head I didn’t mean to give you a scare.”
“Nah, man, now there’s something wrong, I can tell,” Charlie responded. He pointed his finger repeatedly—a little trait of his meant to emphasize a point. “See, you just said you’re caught up on something. That’s suspicious.”
Pim felt the hitch in his throat again. He looked down ashamedly.
Charlie’s eyes softened. “Hey, Pim. Babe, I’m not trying to chew you out. I wouldn’t, ever. I just wanna know what’s up.”
He thought it over in his head. Of course he could trust Charlie. He’d be stupid to think otherwise. That wasn’t the whole problem, though. It was the sheer weight of the ugly thoughts he was holding back. How could he articulate it without sounding horrible, ungrateful, like a monster? How could he tell him that a part of him was mourning something that never came to fruition? The guilt cut him in two, twisting in his stomach.
But he just had to tell him. He’d hate himself even more if he didn’t fully admit it.
“…Are you sure?”
“One hundred percent, man. Honestly. I won’t get mad.” Charlie rolled over on his side, propping himself up on the pillow. “I’m all ears, dude.”
Pim exhaled shakily.
“…Remember the year when we first met?”
“Always will.”
“Do you remember what we used to talk about back then?”
Charlie securely wrapped his arm around Pim’s chest. “All of it.”
“Like what?” Pim laughed, despite himself.
“Well,” Charlie snorted, “I remember us sitting in the break room for, like, hours on end, just doing whatever. Like complaining about the vending machine ‘cause it wouldn’t give us what we paid for, or having debates with Allan and them about leaving the fan on. You know me, I’m such a pig, I’d sweat to death if it was off.”
“What else?” Pim guided.
“Really, we’d just talk about whatever. Bad movies, what we wanted for lunch, how Mr. Boss used to breastfeed and shit. We just talked until we went home, man. Every single day. Sometimes, when we were done with a client, I’d see you bounce in your chair and ask me where I thought I’d be in ten years. And I said I’d be a venture capitalist in Los Angeles.” He chuckled softly.
“And what did I say I wanted?”
“Oh, you wanted to marry a beautiful wife, have some kids, and settle down somewhere. On the farm.”
Pim smiled painfully at the distant memory. He didn’t say anything for the next few seconds; in response, Charlie squeezed his arms.
He spoke up after a while. “That was always my goal. I remember shouting that at everyone, really proud of myself. That’s how I wanted my life to be. Simple. Ever since I was a little kid.
…It’s what I thought I wanted, anyways,” he taunted himself, his voice becoming dark.
Charlie stayed silent; he rubbed his thumb against Pim’s shoulder in circles.
“I mean, I did want it. But it wasn’t because it was easy. That’s what society always wants. A happy married couple with two children. But that’s not why.”
He gulped.
“Remember my family?”
There was no response at first, but once he saw Charlie exhale harshly from his nose, his lips pursing, he knew he did.
“I hate them,” Charlie said suddenly.
“I know you do.”
“They don’t deserve you. At all.”
“They were all I had.”
Charlie’s eyebrows arched further in concern as he pulled in him closer, an embrace at this point. “Oh, Pim…”
“You know how they are. Well… were, I guess too. I was under their roof every day. I had to listen to them bash me every day for every decision I made. Nothing I did was ever enough for them. I remember my parents telling Amy and I that we better make them proud someday. She did, but me, I never did. Then she joined in with them.”
His throat burned.
“That’s why I wanted the wife. And the kids. That was my escape plan. I could make a family of my own that wasn’t hateful. A life that was perfect, normal, one that I never got. It was my chance to fix what was broken in my life. …In my childhood.”
His face swelled.
“But now I’m in love with you. And I love you, Charlie. I always have. I’m so happy with you. But… that other dream is gone. I never expected this. I don’t know why I feel this way. I just… I feel so guilty for ever wanting another life other than this. I don’t want you to feel any less special than you really are to me…”
The tears were hot, stinging as they seeped from his eyes.
“It’s like I’m mourning a ghost, Charlie. I look at you, and my heart is so full it hurts, but then I think of myself… who I was as a kid… I feel like I’m lying to him. I’m letting him down.”
He hiccupped, the pain of crying making him shudder.
“Do you remember the Halloween party?” Pim choked out.
“I do… I do, buddy.”
“When I was being chased by that forest demon?”
“Yeah…”
“There was this cabin… I went in it… I tried to imagine my wife and kids living there. I tried so hard to force it… If I could see it, then I’d have a reason to keep running. But I realized that I wanted to come home to you…”
His breath jerked.
“I didn’t want to die… I’d be disappointing my family if I went without making anything useful in my life… and I’d be disappointing you, leaving you behind without me, because I loved you… and you loved me. You loved me.”
His eyes hurt.
“I was so fucking scared, Charlie…” he whispered.
This shocked the both of them. Pim never swore. But he didn’t care at this point. It was all pouring out of him.
Charlie panicked. Frantically, he pulled Pim away to flip the other pillow over and laid his cheek on the cold fabric. Close to him, he slowly patted Pim’s head and kissed his crown.
“You’re safe, Pim. Feel the coolness. Don’t say anything more, you’re burning up. I’ve got you.”
Pim wailed silently, endlessly, releasing all of the guilt from the prison in his mind.
“I love you. I love you, Pim. Nothing’s changed, babe. I love you. I’ll always love you.”
Everything hurt, but it had to be done. His knees tucked in as he sobbed, tears free-falling sloppily onto the sheets.
“I’m so sorry…” he breathed, feeling pathetic.
Charlie’s eyes misted at the sight. He virtually flung himself forward to take Pim in his arms, ensuring his head was still situated on the cool pillow.
“Pim,” he trembled. “Don’t ever apologize for feeling this way. Okay? I’m here, man. Let it out.”
Paralyzed by the pain, Pim laid limp in his embrace, his whole face contorted. Wretched sobs twitched his body and tears scalped down his cheeks. Every breath was like a shard of glass digested, and it hurt—hurt worse than he ever thought it would. He was completely falling apart, shattering; as Charlie held him, though, whispering occasionally, he knew it was safe to break.
And so they stayed nestled like this for a long while. The panic lost its edge over time; Pim’s sobs became whimpers, which became soft, appreciative hums, and his breathing evened out as his cries ceased to disrupt it. He was still, buried in the other. Charlie didn’t move an inch, his chin resting softly on his forehead.
Eventually, he shifted enough to tuck the blanket around the both of their shoulders. He gently lifted Pim’s head from the pillow and brought it to his chest, his large hand cradling his small skull.
“You still with me, dude?” Charlie murmured.
Pim weakly nodded.
“Good. Just breathe, babe.”
Again, they laid there in silence. Pim felt hollow, drained, and in its place was a fragile sense of relief.
Charlie sighed, a low rumble vibrating off of their bodies. His hand smoothed down the back of Pim’s neck.
“I never really expected this, either,” he admitted.
Immediately afterwards, Pim sensed Charlie tense up for a second and hold him closer.
“In a good way, man. Not like— I love you too, Pim. I’m grateful for you. I… never planned something like this out for myself. …Okay, this is gonna be one of my shitty, unhelpful stories, but…”
He exhaled again.
“You know my uncle, right?”
Pim stayed quiet.
“Dumb question, I shoulda known. We had that whole fucking case with him. So yeah, you know him… you saw how he was. He never cared for me either. Growing up, no one cared for me. My parents just gave me up right away. I don’t have any memories of them. Just what Uncle Billbert told me. They passed me off to him when I was a kid.”
He sadly looked the other way, at the bathroom light he never turned off.
“I figured pretty quickly that his love wasn’t free. The best way for me to live was to stay out of the way. I tried to. …Didn’t work, though. You saw. I never got anything from him.”
He turned back up to face the ceiling.
“I was gonna give up. Before I met you. I was making shit up for myself when you asked where I’d be in the future. I was gonna be a ghost. I just wanted to have a small life. So that no one could ever find me to hurt me again. I never thought about getting married or having kids or anything. I didn’t want to end up like him.”
He sighed once more—this time, out of gratitude.
“Then I signed up for the job, and you were there. You ruined my plans of me being this miserable bastard. I wanted to be around all of a sudden. Because of you. I didn’t want to hide away anymore.”
He bent over to gently place a kiss on Pim’s limp head.
“You were my dream, Pim. You are my dream. You’re the only version of a family that actually made sense to me. I feel real ‘cause I know you’re there for me. And I’m grateful for you.”
He breathed a dry laugh.
“Heh, it’s funny, Pim, isn’t it? We both got dealt a pretty shitty hand with our parents. We’re both fucked up in our own ways. But we got something real. You don’t gotta feel guilty, man. Not for anything. What we have now… it’s the first time I’ve ever felt safe enough to want to have a future.”
Pim finally looked up, his eyes red and his cheeks swollen from tears past. Charlie’s smile only grew, knowing that he heard all the praises he showered him with.
“Thank you,” Pim whispered.
Charlie sniffled. “I was just gonna thank you, dude!”
They stared at each other this time, with tired smiles, watching the distant light cast shadows against their profiles. Nothing hurt anymore; the weight cleared.
“I think it sounds nice,” Charlie said abruptly.
“Mm?”
“Your old dream. I kinda dig it. I don’t think you have to throw it away just ‘cause we look a little different.”
Pim’s eyes shone. “What do you mean?”
Charlie smiled down at him. “Well, we could get a house. Out somewhere quiet. Away from this… mess. We could still go to work, and hang with Allan and Glep and the Boss, but like, we could come home afterwards and not have to worry. ‘Bout anything.” He lifted Pim up to meet his gaze, touching foreheads. “You wanted a farm? We could get a place with a big yard. Where you could plant some carrots or tomatoes or whatever. And I’d help you dig the dirt.”
Pim giggled lightly. “You’d do that?” he asked.
“Dude, obviously. I love you.”
Pim blushed, and Charlie chuckled breathlessly as he cradled his jaw.
“You said you wanted kids, babe?”
The other gasped, slowly raising his hand to cup his own mouth. “Oh, Charlie… you don’t have to say that…”
“I just did,” he replied, a dainty grin plastered on his face.
“I didn’t think you were… really, you think so?” Pim tried to hide the euphoria in his voice.
“Listen to me, Pim. I know I can be a slob, and I got lotsa shit I need to get sorted out. But… if you wanna be a dad someday? I’d be down with that. Give the kid the life we never had growing up. We could adopt. Be two cool gay dads. I mean, I’d have to learn how to not swear as much, which probably’d be fucking impossible, but for you, I’d try. I’d love to.”
A fresh wave of tears welled in Pim’s eyes—warm and happy, devoid of any guilt he might have been feeling before. The ghosts that haunted his thoughts evaporated into the quiet air. He wrapped his arms around Charlie’s chest, burying his face in the crook of his neck, squeezing out however much energy he still had left.
“I’d really love that, Charlie.”
“We’ll make something damn good, Pim. I got you, you got me. I love you so fucking much, man.”
Pim raised his head to admire the other, his smile having widened greatly.
“I love you too, Charlie.”
A kiss naturally followed. One that was long, lingering, full of the appreciation they held for each other. Their eyes closed, letting their souls guide them. Eventually, their lips drooped down, their faces following suit, leading them to start another embrace, their arms tight, not wanting this moment to end.
Sealed away under the blankets, they both drifted to sleep, at ease, lulled by the gentle rhythm of their breathing. As Pim finally found solace, he wasn’t staring at the ceiling. He was facing towards Charlie—looking towards the future.