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A ragged gasp tore its way out of his chest as his eyes flew open. The red of Katsuki's eyes were barely visible, pupils dilated as he panted hard, staring up at the ceiling. His sheets were drenched with sweat. He stayed like that for several minutes, chest rising and falling rapidly, erratic and messy, as if someone was forcing his muscles to keep contracting.
"Fuck… Again?" He muttered hoarsely as he pushed himself up. He buried his face in his hands and forced himself to take a deep, albeit shaky, breath before angrily rubbing away tear tracks with his fists. The metallic taste on his tongue was heavy and his body ached, throbbing in memory of the pain he had suffered—no, endured and pushed through. That fatal day, the adrenaline and pain coursing through his body would've been enough to kill a normal person, so it wasn't a surprise that his memories of the day was hazy. Except, he wasn't a normal person, he reminded himself as his fingers slid over his scar before falling into his lap.
The memories he did have sought to torment him in his sleep; it was almost a nightly occurence at this point. Rain soaked into his clothes. Blades of grass (synthetic?) digging into his back. Get up, Kacchan. All For One displaying All Might's broken form. Somebody save him! The heat of Izuku's palm searing into his own cold, clammy one. Fight! Keep moving! Whatever you do, don't stop—
Katsuki wasn't in danger anymore. He knows this, really, he does. UA did their best to hone that into them, what with the community service and reconstruction projects. But no matter how much the rational part of his brain argued, his instincts took every moment of rest as a threat to his life. If he didn't keep his body moving, he would die. He did die.
Because he wasn't fast enough to react, Izuku nearly went on another rampage—that might've cost them everything. Because of how weak he was, he had been used as a pawn, again. He's watched the recordings of the war till they were seared into the back of his eyelids, even though he knows he shouldn't. In hindsight, that might've contributed to his fucked up sleep schedule.
He barked out a laugh as he pressed his thumb into his wrist, using the now slowing down beat of his heart as a guide for his breaths. What stupid thoughts… He might've failed at first, but he learned. He learned the mechanics of his quirks, aspects pro heroes take years of intensive training to understand, in the 5 minutes he was gone.
He got faster, maybe too fast, and it was because of him that All for One was defeated. The villains made a mistake in choosing him, they should've known damn well he wasn't going to sit there like a damsel in distress. Maybe he should be thankful that they underestimated him, and all the other heroes, since that was the reason he awakened his quirk, but fuck did it piss him off.
Through bleary eyes, Katsuki hazards a glance at his alarm clock, readying himself for how late it would be.
« 5:02 »
Huh.
He managed to sleep longer than he thought. He usually woke up at 6…
Might as well just get up; get more training in before classes start. Forcing himself out of bed, he grimaced at how clammy his body felt, wiping his hands off on his sweatpants to try and relieve the unpleasant sensation. He'll take a bath after working out. Probably. His whole body still ached terribly, even despite being a few months after the war. The war… It was strange, how disconnected he felt from that phrasing, it still felt so surreal. His nerves refused to settle, unused to this feeling of peace, the lack of imminent danger, the fact that it was truly over.
Slowly, he slid open his door and padded downstairs to the common room, hands buried in his pockets. One pocket had his painkillers, almost finished, the other a crisp new limited edition All Might card with an autograph in the top right corner. No All Might symbol, just his teacher's signature, the one he truly respected.
He didn't want to die again regretting not getting it signed, so just last night, he had finally gotten the courage to ask. It aggravated him that it took him so much effort to do something as simple as that. Katsuki Bakugo, afraid to ask for something he wanted? Unheard of. He hated every last second of it, but finally being able to feel the familiar plastic glide under his thumb was a greater comfort than he was ready to admit.
Katsuki zoned out once he was in the kitchen, the rush of water filling his mug acting as the backdrop to his thoughts. It sounded like rain... His nightmares flip flopped between different events in his life, things he thought he'd gotten over still tore their way out of his chest in so many forms: as slime suffocating his lungs, as hands tightening around his throat, as the feeling of hopelessness that threatened to drown him. It was more annoying that they weren't restricted to just his sleep. Being transported back to the aptly named Coffin in the Sky at seemingly every environmental cue was something he still hadn't managed to figure out how to stop. He will. Soon. He has to, before someone notices.
"—Kacchan?"
A scarred hand entered his vision to turn the tap off, the squeak alerting Katsuki to the fact that the water had been spilling over the edge and subsequently his hand. How long had that been happening..? He turned his head away quickly—of course it had to be Izuku who saw him like this. The very last person he wanted to see him at his worst.
"Kacchan? What- What's wrong? You're—" The silence that followed after Izuku cut himself off just added more salt to his wounds. Even the nerd realised how incompetent he was.
"Shut up." Katsuki growled out but his voice only trembled more, betraying everything he had barely kept under wraps. His grip on the mug tightened, the water dripping down into his sleeve. Why did that memory of them in the river keep coming to mind? He fights tooth and nail just to be on equal footing with Izuku, so why does every offer of help make him feel so exposed? He would never hesitate on helping the other, so why did it hurt so fucking much whenever Izuku looked too closely at him?
"I didn't say anything, Kacchan.." His voice was so soft. Why? He didn't deserve such gentle treatment. He needed to get stronger first, to become the number 1 hero—Katsuki barely suppressed his flinch when Izuku took the mug from his shaking hands, finally looking at the other. "Talk to me. Please." Izuku's eyes… how were they so bright? More importantly, he looked like he was going to cry.. He could never get how it was so easy for Izuku to sympathise, to understand.
Katsuki clenched his fists and shoved them back into his pockets, scoffing as he tore himself away from Izuku's gaze. He hated how the other could easily peel back all his layers with just a look, that they knew each other so well and yet were still so far apart. This distance… how was he supposed to get closer to him? He still had to atone for what he did to him, even if he knows the other had already forgiven him anyway. He wasn't going to just take that self-sacrificial bastard's acceptance, he was going to earn it.
"It's none of your business." He managed to get out. Okay… so maybe not like that.
"It is, Kacchan. You're my friend! I know.." Katsuki watched through bleary eyes as the nerd fidgeted and fumbled around with his arms, "I know you hate it, but I care about you! It's so hard watching you be like this.."
"Oh yeah?" He huffed, eyes narrowing into a glare, daring him to say what he knew he meant. That he had gotten weaker. "And how exactly is that?"
"That's not what I— Kacchan, come on. You can admit that you're hurting! I would've thought that out of everyone, I'd.."
Katsuki's face twisted, taking a step backwards.
"I'd be the one you come talk to. After.." He watched as Izuku winced, "After everything."
He said it. The combination of the way he was looking at him with his words was too much for him, he needed to get away before he said something he'd regret. His chest began to ache as he made himself retort, "Don't think you're anythin' special. You don't know shit about me." They both knew that was a lie. He watched as Izuku's face turned deadpan, and his throat clicked as he waited for the inevitable outburst.
"Kacchan!"
Katsuki grit his teeth when Izuku snapped, his entire body tensing. Too visibly, because a choked noise followed soon after.
"Look, I'm— I'm just trying to help, you know that, right..?" Izuku conceded with an airy chuckle, but to Katsuki it sounded like he was forcing the noise out.
"I know that. All you do is stick your nose in where it doesn't belong."
"Kacchan, if you really think that I'm meddling or that I'm trying to force you—" Izuku let out a shuddered breath, his fists clenched by his side. Aching to hit him, no doubt. If Katsuki was in Izuku's position, that's what he'd feel like. "I'll just leave you alone.. I'm sorry."
What? Where was the stubborn Izuku who never gave up on getting his feelings across to the other? He was leaving? Fuck, wasn't he worth the trouble? His eyes widened as the other turned away, ugh, his back, would he be stuck looking at that forever?—he shook his thoughts away, they weren't important right now, maybe even downright childish, but if he let Izuku go now, the burning in his chest made him realise it might be the end. Of what, exactly.. he wasn't sure.
The soft sound of flimsy plastic hitting the floor was accompanied by Katsuki's shuffling as he surged forward to grab Izuku's wrist. He rasped out before he even knew what he wanted to say.
"Don't go. I don't— I need to see you, I need you here.."
He didn't understand why Izuku wanted him to be weak, but if that's what he needed… A hero is someone who can share their feelings with others, right? Izuku was the only one who could teach him something as abstract as that, in fact, he's been doing so their entire lives. Even despite him doing his best to squash it down.
"Am I really alive, Izuku? Even with all of this pain, even when I can feel you and how warm you are, I still can't tell..! I'm not used to being so.. so cold.."
His grip on Izuku's wrist tightened slightly before he forced himself to pull away, heaving large hiccups as he dug his knuckles into his eyes. He's become so much softer because of Izuku. Stupidly sensitive, to the point that the dams he'd carefully put back up after the war all fell apart when he was with him.
"I—fuck, I know it's stupid, but I just— I just keep reliving e-everything and I'm— it just, shit, I dunno.. like it's my own purgatory for— for being so weak."
He flinched when hands suddenly cup his cheeks, but he can't stop himself from pressing into the rough palms even if his body screamed at him to push him away. His eyes fluttered shut as the warmth seeped into him, arms falling lax by his sides.
"'zuku..?" He mumbled through sniffles, tears now trickling over and down Izuku's hands.
"Kacchan.. it hurts me to hear you say that, so I.. I can't imagine how much pain you're going through." Thumbs glided over his cheeks, one of them lingering over his scar, before wiping away his tears. "You know, someone told me that sometimes, when you're in pain, all you need is someone to hold your hand. And then, all your burdens feel a little bit lighter."
Katsuki finally opened his eyes to look at Izuku, only to widen upon seeing that he was crying too. "Dek— Izuku, why—"
"But.. I think we need a little more than just hand holding. Don't you think?" The sound of Katsuki's throat clicking echoed in the gap between his and Izuku's chests. Hands slid down from his face, one intertwining with his fingers and the other resting on his chest. Right above his scar.
His heart.
Shit. Izuku had suffered so much more than him, and here he was, babbling like a baby about it. Was Izuku comforting himself with the sound of his heartbeat? Or reminding Katsuki of it, that he was alive?
"Damn it, you're too close—"
"You still need to take these?" His painkillers.. they fell out of his pocket earlier, when did Izuku pick them up?
"I-.. I don't need 'em anymore.. I just took 'em to appease the old hag, I was fine without it." He wasn't sure if he appreciated the topic change or not. It felt too sudden.. compared to what was happening right now.
"I hope it eased the pain, even a little."
A mess of green curls pressed into his chest, the hand that had been feeling his heartbeat now falling down to rest on his hip. Katsuki's eyebrows twitched before furrowing, sparks forming around his head as he stared down at the other. He was about to move to push him away when Izuku started to speak again, pausing his hand in mid air.
"I was too late. I'll never forgive myself for that."
That can't be right. Why would Deku blame himself for his death? He should've been strong enough to hold Shigaraki back while they waited for him to come back. His muscles tensed at the wetness seeping through his shirt. Crying, again..
"I couldn't save you or Tenko. Did we really—" Izuku's voice cracked, "—win?"
Katsuki sighed and buried his hand in Izuku's hair, carding through the strands. So messy.. but still so soft. "..It wasn't your fault. Nobody could've guessed you'd get separated. The fact that you got to us that quickly.. no, everything you did, all of it led us to victory." He paused to collect his thoughts from the swirling storm in his head before continuing, "No more All For One. No more Shigaraki. Everyone in our class survived.. You delivered on your promise, and now society is changing. Because of you."
"—of us."
"Huh?" Katsuki's hand stilled against Izuku's head as he looked up at him with red rimmed eyes, green eyebrows knitted together.
"Because of us!"
"..Right. Us."
"Because of everyone that worked hard together.. Everyone's sacrifice, it all came together and helped you and me deliver the final blow! We weren't alone.."
Katsuki chuckled at that, pulling his hand away from Izuku's hair, "Talking pretty well for someone who was just bawling his eyes out." He watched in amusement as Izuku began to ramble, arms waving about.
"Oh no, your shirt, it's totally soaked! I'm so sorry, I'll wash it right away!! I'll dry it for you too!! Or I can just get you a new one, I know you hate—"
Before the other could completely move away in his panic, he pulled Izuku in and wrapped his arms around his shoulders, squeezing him tight. Burying his face in his hair, he muttered, "I don't care right now. Just clean it later."
He waited for Izuku to relax before starting, "Earlier, you said something about.. needing more than.. hand holding." Hah.. he could see how red Izuku had gotten from his ears. So obvious. Was his dad a tomato? Maybe that's why he never sees him.
"..I did." Izuku finally murmured after what felt like years of agonising silence with a small nod.
"Is this what you had in mind, Izuku? Or.. more?"
"Um.. Kacchan, are you really okay with—"
"Just shut up and answer me!"
"But Kacchan, I can't shut up and ans—"
"Are you asking to be blasted into bits?!" He shouted, his irritation winning over his patience.
"More! I want more!" Izuku yelped, pulling back to look up at Katsuki with those stupidly big doe eyes. "I want to be closer to Kacchan.. More than anyone else."
Even though he knew the answer, he still didn't expect Izuku to say it so boldly like that. He could feel his face starting to burn up, defending himself the only way he knew how, "Fuck, how can you just say something like that, you idiot..!" He exclaimed, grabbing Izuku's wrist and leading him up the stairs and back to his room.
"Kacchan—?!"
"You're reaping what you sow, you hear me? You can't look at me like that and expect me to not feel anything!" He pushed him onto the bed by his shoulders before crawling on top of him, hands planted firmly on either side of his head. His necklace dangled in between them as he looked down at him, lips pursed. "What do you want from this? From me? Huh?" He did his best to ignore the way Izuku's hands naturally gravitated to his waist.
"I don't—"
"Is it really just comfort? Don't see you asking any of the other guys to.. to do whatever the fuck this is." He watched as Izuku refused to make eye contact, looking between the pendant on his necklace, down his collar?, and practically anywhere else just to avoid meeting his gaze.
"Seriously, Kacchan, I—"
"I get that we've been through a shit ton, I get it, but that still doesn't mean you can just play with my feelings like—"
His eyes widened when lips suddenly crashed into his. Shit, when did this nerd get so confident? Does he need him to knock him down a peg again? He keeps beating him, even in things like this..! Izuku was kissing him, Izuku liked him, he was so warm and so close and fuck, he can't think properly like this. If only he'd been the one to kiss him first, he'd be so much more collected!
He must've froze for a second too long because Izuku began to pull away, he could feel his hands trembling against his skin. His skin.. when did Izuku's hands get under his shirt? Katsuki didn't want to hear his embarrassed rambling, but more importantly, he didn't want him to stop. He grabbed his collar and leaned back in, kissing him with more fervour.
He never thought their first kiss would be like this. It was messy and honestly a little awkward, a clash of tongue and teeth, but he couldn't find it in himself to hate the feeling. Not when it was Izuku's lips against his lips, his neck, anywhere he could reach. After who knows how long, he finally wrenched himself away from Izuku.
"Fuck you interrupt me for?" He panted, their foreheads naturally falling against each other.
"You wouldn't let me speak..!" Izuku stammered, freckled cheeks now a deep red. "I meant it when I said I want to be special to you. Not.. not just as friends."
"Then as what?" Katsuki murmured, arms draped lazily over Izuku's shoulders.
"Kacchan..!" Izuku whined, no Katsuki didn't hallucinate it and yes he had it recorded in his memory to replay forever.
"Come on.. you can say it." He teased with a low chuckle, now making himself comfortable in the other's lap. Izuku shuffled to get them into a better position, sitting up against the headboard with his hands firmly on Katsuki's waist. Usually he'd be concerned about putting his full body weight down, but he knew Izuku could handle it. He would, even if he couldn't. That's what he loved about him.
Izuku buried his face in Katsuki's shoulder, his grip on him tightening. "I love Kacchan so much it hurts. Being without him.. I don't think I'd be able to live."
Katsuki keeps getting himself in scenarios where he knows what Izuku will say in response to his goading and then getting incredibly flustered when the other answers way too sincerely. This was another one of those moments. How was he supposed to respond to that when it made his heart beat like it was going to burst out of his chest?
"Fuck you.. don't think this'll make me go any easier on you." Despite this, he pressed their bodies closer together. Izuku could probably feel how hot he was, all because of him.
"I wouldn't count on it." That stupid smile…
"…friend."
"Kacchan? What did you say? I didn't quite catch tha—"
"I said, be my boyfriend, damn it! Are you deaf?!"
"It's hard to hear when Kacchan is so shy, I'm sorry!"
"Shy?! Who's shy?! I'll kill you— Mmph!"
Suddenly, Katsuki was on his back with Izuku above him. Being under Izuku was a position he was completely unused to. During all their fights and arguments, he always maintained the high ground, so being pinned down like this made his goosebumps rise up in a way he wasn't sure he was ready to explore.
A giggle.
Izuku was laughing.. so pretty.. Katsuki's heart clenched at the noise, he wanted to hear him laugh like this more. Because of him. He doesn't want to sideline himself anymore; he deserves to be a little selfish. So that's what he'll do. From now on, he would try even harder to be someone Izuku could be proud of.
"What's so funny?!" He wanted to seem offended, but he didn't manage to entirely squash down his own smile.
"I'm just so happy, Kacchan."
He blinked as a tear dripped onto his cheek, taking in Izuku's features as he looked up at him. Raising a hand, he cupped his cheek to wipe away the tears that had started up again.
"Jeez.. Such a crybaby. C'mere." He muttered as he pulled the other down by his nape, holding him close. As he tangled his fingers in his curls, Izuku got comfortable on top of him. It made Katsuki's chest feel warm that he moved into position so easily. Like they were meant to be together.
"Kacchan doesn't mind if I sleep a little, right..?" He sounded so tired. Right.. why was Izuku up this early anyway? His nightmares must be just as bad as his, if not worse..
"Huh? Now? Wait, you damned.. Fuck, you're already asleep?" Katsuki huffed out a sigh as he listened to Izuku's breathing even out. Well, it had been a long night for both of them. He had so much more he wanted to say.. Tch. Whatever. There's always next time.
He stayed quiet, the rustling of sheets coming to a stop once he was sure Izuku was secure, before speaking, voice barely above a whisper so as to not wake him up, "I won't leave you alone again. We'll beat everyone and become the greatest heroes. Together. I'll do everything to make it happen, I swear on it." A pause. His bottom lip quivered as he shuddered out a breath, finally getting what he really wanted to say out, "I.. love you, Izuku. I'll live up to your expectations. I'll become a hero you'll be proud of."
Katsuki froze when Izuku moved and let out a sigh as he shifted on top of him. He was awake? No way. If he heard all of that.. he might explode the dorm building into pieces. Again.
"M'too, Kacchan.."
Oh. Sleep talking. Of course the nerd can't keep his mouth shut even when he's unconscious. He rested his hand in the dip of Izuku's back before leaning down to press a kiss to his forehead. For the first time in several months, he felt himself start to be at ease. It would be a long journey, but with Izuku by his side, the road ahead looked much easier. With one last kiss, he finally allowed himself to drift off as well. Hm.. why did he feel like he forgot something?