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It was our third year at Starfleet, and I had just signed up for the Xenolinguistics module for my electives course. I’d heard from other people who had taken it in previous years that it was an easy pass, and I thought fuck it, I’ll go for that one because I’m already studying Xenobiology and there’s no need to add even more unnecessary workload to my schedule.
Well, what no one had told me was that the previous professor, some being whose name I can’t even remember, had quit their job, and in their place we’d gotten… a Vulcan.
I remember I was so pissed at that first lecture. I'd walked in thinking I’d signed up for a walk in the park, that I could justt stretch back and breeze through the module. But no, straight off the bat this new professor walks in, talks a mile a minute on shit I can’t even begin to understand, and then assigns us fifty pages to read for the next class. Fifty goddamn pages. I didn’t even read twenty pages in my core modules, did this guy seriously think I’d be reading fifty pages?
I was pissed beyond words. Hell hath no fury like me browsing through fifty pages of pure bullshit, and even though I didn’t read past page 12, I’m pretty sure all the rest of it was bullshit too. But see, the thing that really drove me up the wall about that module was that if you didn’t complete the assigned reading, or the questions, because that was a thing too apparently, you fell behind. You wouldn’t understand any of the shit that was being discussed during the lectures, and when you were divided up into groups in tutorials for discussions, you better pray to all the gods that didn’t exists that someone had done the work or you were all screwed.
Not just in the sense that you had no idea what was going on and this would seriously hinder you from writing a passable essay, but also in the sense that when the tutor came by to ask questions and you didn’t know shit, he would verbally tear you a new one. And believe me, it wasn’t a pretty sight.
So I started completing the assigned reading. I did it, but I didn’t like it, and I made sure my roommate at the time, Jim, knew it.
Every time I had to do the completed reading I’d sit in the living room, going through it and loudly complaining about every single thing on it. I was mocking the writing, ridiculing the texts, even mimicking a whiny voice when I read through the sources. It drove Jim insane, and I’m pretty sure it became like a Pavlovian reaction. Every time I sat down in the living room with my PADD, Jim would groan and hang his head. I will admit that the only good thing the assigned reading brought me was bringing out that reaction in Jim. Absolutely beautiful.
Anyway, at one point I got so frustrated with the work that I started in on the professor, slandering him and who he was as a being. I really didn’t like this guy, folks, he was honestly the bane of my existence. I remember I told Jim, after reading a particularly gruelling text on the difference between Andorii dialects, that the prof just needed a good, hard lay. I didn’t mean it seriously, just empty words, but Jim looked me straight in the eyes and said, ‘You sure about that?’
It wasn’t weird Jim behaviour, so I just brushed it off. I say something bitter, the guy says something weird back, it’s how our relationship works. Anyway, move on throughout the semester, and we reach the last weeks before exams start. Now I’m up to my knees in assignments and assessment and physical exams, all of them part my core module. And let’s not forget, I also had another set of workload from the Xenolinguistics module. As I said, the bane of my existence.
I’d taken my usual seat in the living room, and Jim, true to himself, had let out a moan and grumbled about my complaining ass. Hypocritical since at the time he too was struggling with the stress of his subjects. And poorly too, if I may add.
Anyhow, I start my usual grumbling, talking about how this module is draining my will to live, why do I need to know this bullshit, why did I ever pick it, yadda yadda yadda. But, at one point I mention, jokingly that I was pretty sure I was going to fail so bad, that the only way the professor would give me a pass was if I slept with him. This folks, was clearly an exaggeration, but dear Jim here, don’t know why, thought I was serious.
It could have been the stress of the oncoming exams, could’ve been him being overworked with his extracurricular activities, or it could have even just been him not fucking listening, which is entirely possible.
So Jim asks, dead-serious, ‘Are you serious?’
It hits me just then that Jim doesn’t realise I’m joking, and you know what, it’s been a while since I had a good laugh since the electives module was kicking my sorry ass. I thought, might as well pull a prank on him, and so I says, ‘You know, Jim, the prof is a Vulcan and not bad-looking.’ Knowing how my dear friend loves aliens and not bad-looking people.
There’s a tense moment where neither of us say anything, then finally Jim returns to his work. I remember being pretty disappointed at that reaction, but hey, maybe the guy was finally growing up.
Now fast forward to next week, we’re both stressing with assignments and practical work, sitting together at the library when Jim suddenly whispers, ‘Psst!’
I’m thinking what the hell does this boy want now, but I give him the time of my day because I’m a good friend.
I ask him, ‘What is it, Jim?’
This is when the guy throws me a smirk, and proudly says, ‘Just want you to know, I’m sure you’ll be passing your Xenolinguistics module with flying colours.’
Now I’m gonna be honest with y’all, I was sat there stunned for a few seconds. This boy did not just say what I think he said, did he? So I ask him that, I said, ‘Jim, you’re joking, right? You’ve got to be.’
But Jim just shakes his head, still fucking smirking. He then tells me, without a single ounce of shame, ‘You’re welcome.’
Can you believe that? You’re welcome.
Well I damn well could not believe my ears. I keep asking him to tell me more, to explain further, what did he mean, what did he do, what the fuck? There is not a snowball’s chance in hell he did what I thought he was implying, was there? I’ve never been more wrong in my life.
To this day I do not know how Jim did it. Folks, I'm a man who knows how the Urandati digestive system works. I know how the first man walked on the moon. I even know how rope is made, and I mean from scratch. But I cannot for the goddamn life of me tell you how Jim got the professor into his bed.
So Jim goes into this spiel, about how he did it for the good of his friend, how he wanted to help me pass and no bad grade from an electives module would stop me from succeeding. He was very persuasive actually, and I would’ve believed him if I didn’t already know the absolute hard-on he has for the whole teacher-student roleplay. Had I been anyone else he would have gotten to me.
But see, that’s the moment I knew the kind of friend Jim was. He was a great friend, the absolute best kind of friend, one who would sleep with your professor to get you a pass in your module. Now how many people do you know who would do that for you?
Exactly.
I gotta say though, the next time I saw the prof in class he was clearly limping, and I swear folks, I had goddamn tears in my eyes from how hard I was struggling not to laugh. That is a cherished memory I will never forget.
*
“Never would I have thought the two of them would end up continuing that indecent relationship, and then begin dating, and then shack up.” Bones shakes his head fondly. “And I can say that Spock and I, we’ve gone a long way since our first meeting. I can even say, out loud and without shame, that I like the guy. Jim’s my best friend and I wouldn’t trade him for anyone else, even though he gives me plenty of reason to do so, and Spock manages him brilliantly. I have to say, of all the beings in our galaxy and beyond, I’m glad they managed to find each other. They’re the best team, both professionally and in their romantic lives, bringing out the best in one another and sometimes those around them, and I’m happy they’ll be sharing the rest of their lives together.”
Bones reaches for his glass. “And so I raise my glass in a toast,” He announces, tilting it at Jim and Spock who are sat at the head of the table, looking mortified and humiliated. Well, Spock is, Jim’s just flushed and looking kind of impressed. “To Jim and Spock. This prank couldn’t have been revealed in a better way.”
Jim proudly raises his glass and hollers, “To us!”
The other guests belatedly join in, some of them awkwardly exchanging glances, others raising their glasses ever so high.
“Thank you very much, best man.” Jim says, grin so wide Bones is surprised it hasn’t broken his face.
He tips his head at his friend. “You’re welcome, Jim. Enjoy the rest of your life with the ball and chain.”
Jim turns to look at his husband, his eyes warming and a fond look on his face. He holds out his hand with two of his fingers stretched out, and even though Spock is still clearly blushing from Bones’ speech, he accepts the kiss.
“I told you we shouldn’t have given him alcohol!” Uhura yells in the distance.
Bones grins and takes another sip of his whisky.