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Jackie's ears were ringing. Her body felt cold and numb, as if she had been submerged in a pool of ice water. Everything around her seemed to disappear, the sounds of shameless chatter and shocked laughs from her fellow students becoming muffled. Her heart felt like it had stopped completely.
In front of her, the words painted on her locker sharpened into horrifying clarity. Jackie felt nauseous. She half expected them to jump out at her and wrap around her throat like a noose.
"--Jackie!" Shauna was shaking her shoulders. Jackie got the sense that it was the fourth or fifth time Shauna had called her name.
Jackie blinked, eyes darting along the hallways as her surroundings came back into focus. A few students had gathered nearby to stare and whisper, while the rest continued to class as usual. Several sets of wide eyes flitted between Jackie and the locker. She heard her own name whispered in between gasps and giggles.
"Jackie, it's fine," Shauna was reassuring her, wrapping a hand firmly around her wrist. Distantly, Jackie thought of pushing Shauna away-- the touching surely wasn't helping the situation-- but she couldn't bring herself to do so. Right now, Shauna's hand was the one thing tethering her to her sanity.
"I--" Jackie's voice came out shaky and much too quiet. "I can't..."
Shauna seemed to understand.
"Everyone move," she commanded of the onlookers, striding assertively into the mass of students with Jackie in tow. The crowds parted for the two of them.
Jackie could still feel the stares on her back long after they had gotten away.
~~~
"Why did I get 'Faggot #2?'" Shauna grumbled. They were hiding in the handicap stall of the girls' restroom, skipping their first period classes to give Jackie time to recover.
"Don't say that word," Jackie told her, wincing at how casually Shauna was able to repeat the slur.
"Sorry," Shauna muttered begrudgingly. Then, quiet enough that Jackie wasn't meant to hear-- "Always the goddamn sidekick."
Jackie leaned heavily against the stall door. Was Shauna seriously more concerned with being #2 than the fact that she got called a-- people thought she was-- that they were--
"I'm going to throw up."
Shauna's eyes softened in concern as she came over to gently rub Jackie's back.
"It's not a big deal, Jackie," she promised. "Everyone's gonna forget about it by tomorrow. Besides, this whole school loves you. No one is going to side with some dumb assholes with paint over you."
Jackie pouted, unconvinced. "Why would they even think that?"
Shauna seemed to realize she was still rubbing Jackie's back and promptly let her arm fall by her side. Jackie found she missed the soothing, tingly feeling.
"You dumped your boyfriend for me, Jax. And then you said I was the most important thing in the world to you."
"Because you are!" Jackie exclaimed. "That's not... gay," She lowered her voice as if the word itself was dirty. "It just means we're best friends!"
She crossed her arms, staring daggers at the toilet paper roll across from her. "Besides. He left you alone when you were too drunk to stand up. You could have fucking died of alcohol poisoning!"
Shauna rolled her eyes. "I wasn't going to die," she argued. "I was just drunk. He didn't have enough room in his dumb Sedan."
"Bullshit," Jackie said.
"Look, if you're that worried about people thinking you're like, a lesbian, just get back together with Jeff! You do it all the time."
Jackie scoffed, offended that Shauna could be so dense about her own importance.
"Were you listening to anything I just said? I'm not getting back with Jeff this time, Shauna. He abandoned you for fucking ice cream! I never should have let you go to that stupid party without me. Why did I think I could trust Jeff? What if someone had taken advantage of you? Or-- or--"
"Nothing happened, Jax," Shauna assured her, putting a comforting hand on her arm. "I was half asleep in the kitchen when Tai phoned you to pick me up, remember? And then Jeff came back with his ice cream and you--"
"Yeah, I know," Jackie snapped. She dragged a distressed hand across her forehead.
Jackie took a deep, shaky breath.
"That wasn't gay. We're not... lesbians."
"Right," Shauna agreed, but something in her tone was hesitant.
~~~
Shauna was correct about Wiskayok High being quick to forget. By the next day, almost no one was talking about it. Their lockers had been thoroughly cleaned. Most of Jackie's friends wrote it off as stupid rumors because, duh, Jackie Taylor was not a lesbian.
Even Jeff denied the allegations towards Jackie and Shauna, surprisingly taking responsibility for the whole incident at the party.
A few freshman even approached Jackie to express their sympathy. They told her how sad they felt, how horrible those rumors were, and how, don't worry, they didn't believe those words at all.
But Jackie wasn't satisfied.
That afternoon, she stood on a bench in the locker room a few minutes before the beginning of soccer practice and cleared her throat.
"Yellowjackets!" Jackie announced, clapping her hands for attention. The girls reluctantly quieted, looking up at her in various versions of half-dressed. Shauna groaned, hiding her face in her hands.
"I'm sure many of you have heard the rumors about me and Shauna because of the, ahem, locker incident," Jackie spoke, the slight strain in her voice betraying that she cared a lot more about this than she was letting show. The Yellowjackets exchanged exasperated glances.
"Well, I would like everyone to know that Shauna and I are one hundred percent not lesbians. We're just best friends. Totally, absolutely platonic."
Everyone in the locker room stared at Jackie, faces blank except for a very amused Van. The redhead whispered something to Tai, who was barely able to stifle a laugh in response.
Nat was the first to respond. "Um. Sure, Jackie. Whatever you say."
"We accept you no matter what," Laura Lee promised with a smile. "You can tell us the truth whenever you're ready."
At Jackie's scandalized expression, Laura lee added "Or not!"
Mari snorted a laugh.
Jackie's cheeks burned. "Do you guys seriously not believe me?"
"We believe you, Jackie," Lottie said. "It's just... you and Shauna are very... close."
Jackie scoffed. "Oh, come on. Whatever happened to close friendships between two girls? Why does everything have to be... well, lesbian?"
"I mean, this is a girl's soccer team," Tai rationalized, looking a bit bored of Jackie's rant.
"So?" Jackie asked. "That doesn't make us gay. Like, how would you feel if people accused you of being in love with Van?"
For whatever reason, the girls looked almost flabbergasted at Jackie's question. She wasn't really sure what she said.
Van cleared her throat. "So, um--"
Shauna stood up, grabbing Jackie's wrist to pull her down from the bench. "We should go. Practice is starting."
"But--"
"Jackie," Shauna demanded, eyeing the other players anxiously. "Let's go."
~~~
The next day, Jackie strode out of her house with her head held high, perfectly styled hair bouncing as she proudly made her way to Shauna's car.
Shauna looked up from her journal when Jackie opened the car door and nearly choked on her own saliva.
"What?" Jackie asked as Shauna struggled to suppress her coughs.
"What are you wearing?"
Jackie frowned. She had thought Shauna would appreciate her new outfit a bit more. She looked down at the white T-shirt, rereading the bright pink words I <3 My Best Friend!
"I got it yesterday night," Jackie huffed, refusing to be discouraged. She settled into the passenger seat, pulling the car door shut and tossing her hair behind her shoulders.
"I was thinking, our school has such a problem with platonic female friendships!" Jackie shrugged. "I thought we should normalize showing affection to our girl friends!" She was careful to put a deliberate pause in between the last two words.
Shauna stared ahead at the road, gripping the steering wheel just a bit too hard for simply pulling out of the neighborhood. "And you're sure this will help the locker situation?" she asked.
"Of course it will," Jackie assured her, but she felt the nerves start to creep in.
Shauna nodded slowly, her expression unreadable.
~~~
At school, Jackie turned heads.
Well, Jackie always turned heads. But this time the looks she was getting in the hallway were less like admiration and more like... something else.
"Uh... why are you wearing that?" a kid from her biology class, Andrew, questioned while looking curiously between Jackie and Shauna.
"Oh, you know," Jackie said sweetly, hooking her arm through Shauna's. Shauna leaned obediently into Jackie's side, swallowing. "I just wanted everyone to know how awesome it is to care about your BEST FRIEND!"
She raised her voice at the end, directing the words past Andrew to the rest of the hallway to emphasize her meaning.
Beside her, Shauna bowed her head, cheeks reddened with embarrassment. Jackie swore she saw Natalie face-palming among the crowd-- Probably just her imagination. Jackie was handling this fantastically... right?
She must be, because in biology Andrew asked Jackie on a date.
Jackie looked up from the compact mirror she was using to reapply her lipgloss and assessed the boy next to her. "Tonight?"
"Sure," Andrew shrugged. He was far from attractive, but Jackie didn't think any of the boys at Wiskayok High were that attractive anyway. "I can drive you to the diner right after school."
Jackie stared at him. Andrew was a blockhead, Jackie knew just from the way he spent every class giggling with the friend in the desk behind him and from that dumb, wide-eyed look he'd give the teacher when she asked him to answer a question. He wasn't even close to as smart as Shauna.
Shauna, who spent hours helping Jackie study for her english exam even when she had her math exam the next day. Shauna, who went to book clubs willingly every Tuesday. Shauna, who had straight As but acted as if it was no big deal.
Although... what better way to expel any remaining lesbian rumors than for Jackie to get a new boyfriend?
"Sounds good," Jackie responded with a winning smile.
~~~
Jackie forgot.
In her defense, the date was kind of last minute and it hadn't been something she was like, actively concerned about.
Andrew jogged after her in the parking lot while she was in conversation with Shauna on their way to the car.
"Jackie!" he called as he came to a stop. "I told you to wait out front of the school for me."
"Oh!" Jackie's eyebrows shot up in realization. "Sorry Andrew, I totally forgot!"
"It's fine," he said. "You ready to go now?"
Jackie bit her lip and looked back at Shauna, whose face had fallen. Her eyes were sad, big and brown like a baby deer in the way Jackie hated because it made her feel like she was falling from the peak of a roller coaster. Jackie had said at lunch that she would come to Shauna's house this afternoon to watch a movie with ice cream. Now those plans could be ruined.
She turned back to Andrew. "I promised I'd go to Shauna's today. If I had remembered our date--"
Andrew furrowed his brows. "You're ditching me?"
Jackie shifted guiltily. "If we can reschedule--"
"Forget it," he grunted. "I guess the lockers were right about you."
Jackie froze, her blood ice cold in her veins. She opened her mouth to speak but Andrew was already walking away and she didn't have the words to reply anyway. That sick feeling had returned, burrowing in her stomach like a rock.
"Jax?" Shauna asked nervously.
"Let's go," Jackie told her a little sharper than usual, yanking open the passenger side door.
~~~
Jackie needed to implement new tactics.
It took Shauna's help to get the printer in the library to work. She was obviously reluctant, chewing on her lip and fiddling with the cuffs of her flannel while Jackie explained her idea. But eventually, after a bit of begging and batting her eyelashes, Jackie had a stack of colorful pamphlets for handout.
Every girl at Wiskayok High that Jackie so much as knew the name of was offered a pamphlet. She received various reactions anywhere from wonderment to immediate dismissal. She tried not to let it get to her too much, but she huffed in annoyance every time she saw one of her pamphlets in a trash can.
In first period, she slid into the desk beside Taissa, holding out a pamphlet. They didn't usually sit together; They each had their own circles outside of soccer and Jackie suspected Tai didn't really like her that much. But Tai of all people should know about Jackie's afternoon seminar.
"Healthy Female Friendships: A Symposium by Jackie Taylor," Taissa read allowed. She looked up at Jackie with one eyebrow raised. "Is this a joke?"
Jackie sat up a little straighter in her seat. "No."
Tai looked back and forth between Jackie and the pamphlet and then sighed. "Sure. Thanks Jackie."
Jackie beamed and fumbled for a second pamphlet. "Could you give this to Van when you next see her?"
~~~
The seminar had disappointing attendance. Most of her teammates were missing. Even Helen from history class who had promised Jackie she'd be there was nowhere to be seen.
Jackie did a quick headcount. Misty, Melissa, Gen, Laura Lee... She was surprised to see that Nat had come, sitting near the back away from the rest of the girls.
"Um, maybe we should wait a little longer? To see if anyone else shows up?" Jackie suggested tentatively.
Standing off to Jackie's side, Shauna shook her head. "It's already fifteen minutes past 4:00. I think this is everyone."
Jackie pushed down her frustration and cleared her throat, throwing on her best smile.
"Thank you for coming, everyone!" she spoke to the mostly empty rows of seats. "I'm sure you all know why you're here."
Melissa raised her hand. "Because everyone thinks you and Shauna are in love?"
Jackie stiffened. Everyone? She couldn't really mean... "Um, I meant you all know the purpose of the seminar because I wrote it on the pamphlet." She tugged at the collar of her shirt which suddenly felt too tight.
"Oh." Melissa slowly lowered her hand.
"Anyways," Jackie glanced at Shauna, who gave her an unconvincing half-smile of encouragement. "Let's get started."
Jackie clapped her hands together. "So, what makes two girls best friends? Anyone? Nat?"
"Uhh... a shit ton of time together?" Nat attempted.
"Well, yes," Jackie agreed. She had known Shauna since Kindergarten and it had certainly strengthened their relationship. "But I was looking for the word 'love.' Platonic love, obviously."
Misty raised her hand.
"Yes, Misty?"
"How do you differentiate between platonic and romantic love?"
"U-um," Jackie faltered. "Well... for one, you would never date your friends. I mean, of course you'd like to kiss them... and sometimes girl friends do kiss each other but they don't do it because they're like... gay."
The audience gave her weird looks. Laura Lee's hand went up tentatively.
"Mhm?" Jackie questioned.
"Jackie, would I be a lesbian if I liked kissing girls more than boys?"
Jackie hesitated, glancing nervously at Shauna, who was standing tensely against the wall, avoiding looking at anyone's eyes including Jackie's. She wished Shauna would stop looking so uncomfortable and lend her some confidence. And maybe a genuine smile. Jackie liked Shauna's smile.
"Of course not," Jackie answered finally, facing Laura Lee. "Everyone feels that way. Girls are just better at kissing."
Laura Lee acknowledged Jackie with barely concealed disappointment, as if Jackie had missed something important about the question.
Melissa spoke again. "Sooo... you and Shauna kiss each other? And that's healthy?"
Shauna made a stifled coughing noise.
Jackie moved her mouth to respond but all that came out was silence. Sure, they had kissed a few times. As practice. That wasn't... was that...?
After twenty seconds of silence, Jackie finally spoke, voice an octave too high. "Welp, I think that's all we have time for today! Thanks again for coming, everyone!"
"But--" Misty attempted.
"Bye!" Jackie interrupted shrilly.
She ushered everyone out of the classroom quickly before her embarrassment could get any more obvious, ignoring their confused remarks and protests.
Shauna hurried to join them at the door, her face tinted a little red.
"Hey, um, I'm going to use the restroom, okay? I'll, uh, I'll be back in a second," She stuttered to Jackie as she slipped out with the others.
Once everyone was gone, Jackie took a deep breath to calm her racing heartbeat. Why did admitting to kissing Shauna feel like a sin? They obviously didn't mean anything by it. Jackie and Shauna were just good friends. Good. Friends.
"What the hell is wrong with me?" She muttered to herself.
"You tell me," a deep voice intoned.
Jackie jumped. Nat was still in the classroom, not having departed with the rest of the girls.
"Jesus, you scared me," Jackie grumbled, hugging her elbows uncomfortably.
Nat gave her a guilty look then said, "I don't want to get in your business, Jackie..."
Jackie waited. "But?"
"But... you know it's cool if you are gay, right? It's 1996. No one cares about that shit anymore." She said the word gay so casually, with so much ease, adding a shrug to emphasize her point.
Jackie stared at Nat in astonishment. She felt like a bucket of ice water had been poured over her head. Her thoughts felt distant, like cotton in her head.
"I'm not gay," Jackie stated, her voice sounding strange to her ears.
Nat just shrugged again. "See you tomorrow, Jackie."
Jackie's thoughts were still muddled long after Nat left and Shauna returned from the restroom.
~~~
About a week after the failed seminar, Jackie stood in her kitchen, clutching her landline stiffly. Her parents would only be gone for so long, so she needed to do this now.
Her hands hardly felt like her own as she moved to dial the familiar number. She lifted her ear to the speaker and held her breath through each ring.
After the third ring, someone picked up.
"Hello?" Shauna's voice asked.
"Shauna!" Jackie replied quickly, her voice cracking mortifyingly. "Can we meet up? Um, soon?"
Shauna was silent for a moment. Finally, she said, "What's wrong?"
"Nothing," Jackie assured her in a rushed manner. "I just need to tell you something, okay? Can you meet me at the park in 30 minutes? On the hill where all the buttercups grow?"
Another pause. "Okay. I'll be there."
~~~
Jackie was sitting alone on the hill tapping her feet nervously against the ground when Shauna arrived.
She was wearing her signature red flannel over a white tank top and shorts, her hair hanging in dark waves around her shoulders. A look of worry shined in her chocolatey doe eyes behind long lashes as she looked over Jackie. She was wearing a brown lipstick Jackie had never seen before.
God, she looked good.
Jackie gulped, her stomach doing distracting little flips.
Shauna's car keys jingled in her hand as she slowed to a stop in front of Jackie, those gorgeous eyes drifting to what was in her hands. Clearing her throat, Jackie got to her feet.
"Hey Shipman." Her voice was breathy and weak. Stupid.
"Hi Jackie," Shauna replied, voice surprisingly just as soft.
Jackie glanced around to make sure they were alone then inhaled shakily, summoning the courage to speak. It didn't work. As soon as she opened her mouth, her vocal cords failed.
"Jackie? Please just tell me what's going on," Shauna urged after a long silence. Her voice suddenly hardened, turning into something sharper and more defensive. "Look, if you don't want to be my best friend anymore--"
"No!" Jackie interjected quickly. "No, that's not it, Shauna, it's..." She trailed off again, her mouth going dry.
"You're... not upset with me?" Shauna's voice was almost a whisper.
Something burned in Jackie's throat, like a dam holding back a waterfall that could break at any moment if she only chose to speak. She shook her head instead.
Shauna exhaled ever so slightly. Hesitantly, she held out her arms.
Jackie practically fell into them, bursting into tears the moment her head hit Shauna's shoulder. Shauna held her firmly, rubbing soothing motions on her back.
"Th-they were r-right about-- about me," Jackie choked out through sobs.
"What do you mean, Jax?" Shauna asked, letting Jackie's tears soak her flannel. "Shh. It's okay."
"T-the lockers, they..."
Shauna very gently pushed Jackie back so that she could see her face. "You mean..?"
Jackie sniffed violently, struggling to contain her crying, so Shauna moved her hands to Jackie's face, carefully drying her tears with the cuffs of her sleeves. Jackie let out a quivering sigh in response, hands still gripping her best friend's waist.
"A-at the party," Jackie began shakily. "When I told Jeff you were the most important thing in the world to me."
Shauna nodded encouragingly.
"I meant it," Jackie promised.
"I know you did," Shauna said with a tentative smile.
"No, b-but--" She let out another pathetic sob. "Shauna, I meant it in the way they said I did."
Jackie melted back into Shauna's arms, hiding her face in the fabric of her shoulder.
"I don't know what to do," she whispered.
Shauna was silent and eerily still against Jackie, who almost considered pulling away just to see what was going on on her face, but she kept herself pressed against Shauna, breathing in her presence.
Finally, in a small, fragile voice, Shauna spoke.
"I love you."
Jackie tensed.
"What?"
A pause. And then:
"I love you, Jackie."
This time Jackie did pull away, if only enough to look into her best friend's eyes. Shauna was crying too now, delicate streams tracing down her reddened cheeks.
"I thought you wouldn't want to be friends anymore," Shauna admitted, blinking away tears. "If you realized that you... that we have these feelings we're not supposed to have. I thought you'd be freaked out, I don't know. Distance yourself from me."
Now it was Jackie's turn to hold Shauna's face in her hands, wiping them dry. "Shauna." Her voice broke. "I could never push you away from me. You're the best friend I've ever had. And..."
She swallowed back her nervousness and urged herself to finished. "And I love you, Shauna Shipman."
Shauna stared at her, dark eyes shining. She looked agonizingly beautiful, even with her face splotchy and eyes rimmed with red. "Really?"
Jackie nodded. She took a step back, holding up what had been in her hands the whole time. The pathetic bouquet of buttercups was now smushed and drooping, completely erasing any last bit of romance from the gift.
"I, um. I made you a bouquet, but..."
Shauna laughed, taking it in her hands. "It has character. I like it."
Jackie beamed. "You know, I was going to say something like 'they're almost as beautiful as you, Shipman' but now that doesn't feel like much of a compliment."
Shauna rolled her eyes, her smile betraying her affection. "God, that pick up line is fucking awful."
Jackie scoffed, shoving Shauna playfully. "Oh, says you! You just jumped straight to 'I love you!'"
"Shut up, asshole," Shauna said, stepping forward to wrap her arms around Jackie's neck.
Jackie's lips quirked upwards as giddiness bubbled in her chest. She slid her hands around Shauna's waist, bunching up her flannel. "Make me?" It came out as a question rather than the challenge she intended.
Shauna accepted anyway, closing the distance between them.
She kissed Jackie like she was savoring it, soft and sweet and slow as she threaded her hands gently through Jackie's hair. Jackie smiled into the kiss, pulling Shauna closer by the fabric at her waist. She tasted salt on both their lips, leftover from the tears.
It lasted eight seconds before their lips finally parted. When they did, Jackie rested her head back on Shauna's shoulder, resuming their earlier hug.
"I'm scared," Jackie admitted after a long moment of silently holding each other.
"Me too," Shauna whispered. She shifted to place a kiss on Jackie's temple. "We'll... figure it out."
Jackie nodded against her neck. "We're gonna get through this together."
"Yeah," Shauna agreed.
Jackie lifted her head to see Shauna's face. "I can't tell my parents," she said. "They'll freak out. But..." Jackie looked out over the hill, picturing Natalie's voice from a week earlier. "Maybe we can tell the team."
Shauna followed Jackie's eyes, admiring the green grass and rows of yellow flowers below them. "Maybe."
Jackie looked back at Shauna. "What?"
Shauna had been chewing on her lip, considering something until Jackie got her attention. "What?"
"You're making that face you only make when you want to say something but you don't know if you should. What is it?"
Shauna smiled sheepishly, dropping her arms from Jackie's neck.
"I actually have something for you, too," she said. "Well, it wasn't really meant for you, but..."
Jackie perked up. "What is it?"
"I have a section in my journal about you. It's just a collection of poems and little snippets from books that reminded me of you. I have some of the notes you've written me too, and a few things I wrote while thinking of you. I know you don't really like that kind of stuff, but..."
"Are you kidding me?" Jackie grinned, bouncing on her toes. "Shauna, that's great! You're so sweet, Shipman." She laced her hands together in front of herself. "Can I read it?" she asked giddily, batting her eyelashes.
Shauna's cheeks flushed, her smile widening. "Obviously yeah, dummy."
Jackie twirled her hair around her finger. "I'm free right now."
When Shauna laughed at that, Jackie memorized the sound like she needed it to survive.
"Sounds like a date," Shauna said, a smirk on her lips.
Jackie held Shauna's hand, threading their fingers together as they walked side by side down the hill.