Chapter Text
I’d been stupid.
This was not a new development. Rocky reminded me at least twice a day that my human brain was inferior to an Eridian’s, and that my determination to sleep as little as possible was not helping matters. On top of it, I’d started rationing my food, which meant my thoughts were more sluggish.
All of that led to this moment. The moment I can feel the tether snap under the force of my body rocketing away from the Hail Mary’s hull.
Rocky is screaming in my ears through the radio. I can’t understand what he’s saying, because my ears are ringing. I’m watching the Hail Mary, and I’m watching it get farther and farther. My hands are uselessly holding on to the tether. It’s not hooked to the hull anymore. There is nothing to bring me back to the ship.
I’m… I’m floating away. Into deep space.
“GRACE! GRACE ANSWER! WHY ARE YOU GOING FAR AWAY, QUESTION???”
Rocky’s shrill panic punches through the ringing in my head. I don’t know if I answer. My mouth moves, but my brain is completely disconnected. There is nothing happening inside my head.
“Rocky come help!” Rocky chirps in my ears, and that kicks me back into gear.
“What-no!” I breathe. Ah, there it is : the wild, incredible panic I should be feeling in my situation. Except it doesn’t kick in for myself, but for Rocky. “Rocky, do not move from where you are!”
“But Grace- you are getting away. What about tether, question?”
“I- it’s-...” I gulp. Maybe I can go back to the ship? Maybe I can swim toward it? I know, logically, that there is no air, nothing against which my limbs can push to propel me in any direction. I still try, doing some useless movements toward the ship.
Of course it doesn’t work. I’m still floating away. Fast. Really fast.
Space is immense -that’s the understatement of the millenia. Space is really, really, really big. And empty. I know I’m floating away really quickly, but space is so big that the Hail Mary doesn’t get smaller all that fast. It looks to me like it’s still fairly close.
I know it isn’t.
The only thing that is still connecting me to the ship are the radio waves that Rocky is shouting through.
“Rocky come help!”
“Rocky, no!” I shout. “Do not- don’t- don’t come for me. You stay on the ship. You can’t come out. You don’t even have a suit!”
“Rocky make suit!”
“Rock no- don’t… don’t…” I feel tears well up in my eyes.
Maybe Rocky can save me? Maybe he can actually… lasso me with another tether? Why wouldn’t he be capable of it? He’s smart! He’s smarter than me! He’s a great engineer, he–
I shake my head. My breaths are coming in short bursts, fogging up my helmet. Of course Rocky can’t do this. I’m desperate, I’m grasping at straws.
“Don’t put yourself in danger,” I mumble. The tears are hot, scorching, as they trail down my cheeks. “This is my fault. Rocky. I'm so sorry.”
“Grace!!”
“I’m sorry…” My breath catches in my chest.
Somewhere, in a detached part of my brain, I feel like I should be panicking a lot, LOT more than I am. I’m feeling… not calm, not at all, not in the slightest, but I’m not completely freaking out. And the reason why is currently squeaking in my ears, shrill and panicking enough for the both of us.
“Rocky! Rocky listen to me. Please.”
“Grace come back. Find way. Come back to Mary, come back to Rocky!”
“I- I don’t know how!”
“Think! You science human, use science brain!!!”
Easy for him to say. I don’t have anything. I’m careening through the interstellar void, a useless bit of tether at my waist, and I have nothing.
For a second I think I could maybe do one thing. I could pierce a hole into my oxygen tanks. That would propulse me in the opposite direction ; if I aim toward the ship… but I have nothing sharp on me. I only have my hands and they’re definitely not strong enough to pierce through oxygen tanks designed to bear incredible pressure.
“I can’t, Rocky…”
“Yes can! Don’t give up! Don’t…” He stops. I hear all sorts of noises. I don’t know what he’s doing, but he’s not sitting still. “Don’t leave Rocky alone!!”
His melody is desperate, scared. More tears spring in my eyes.
How ridiculous. I’ve survived the coma, Adrian, breathing ammonia, the ship losing power. I’ve survived the Taumeba escaping their tanks and eating through my fuel. And the thing that’s going to kill me is just… me. My stupid, stupid, shit-for-brain self. If I’d paid attention, if only I’d seen that the tether I was using was the one that went through the ringer during the fishing trip above Adrian, that it was only one tug away from snapping… I should have seen it. I should have swapped it.
I turned back for Rocky with a promise to save him and bring him back to Erid. And now thanks to my own stupidity, I’m leaving him alone again.
“Rocky, listen- you-... you can pilot the ship, right?”
“What?! No Rocky can’t pilot the ship! Rocky never learned to pilot the ship!!”
“You’ve seen me do it plenty of times. And- and the coordinates are already in, anyway. Mary will just- she’ll bring you to Erid, you barely have to do anything. Just make sure she keeps the cap, you know? That’s just math. You’re good at math. You can do it.”
“Grace stupid. Grace pilot ship, not Rocky.”
“Rocky, just listen to me! I can’t. Come. Back!!” I shout through my tears. I scream, actually. The words tear through my throat and they hurt.
The Hail Mary is getting smaller and smaller.
“Then Rocky save Grace!”
“Don’t do anything stupid, Rocky!” I shout. I’m getting angry now and I don’t even know why. My face flushes, my fists clench. “Don’t you dare do anything stupid! You keep the ship going and you get to Erid, okay? You go home. You go back to Adrian. You save your planet. I didn’t do all this just so you can throw it away!”
That’s unfair, I realize. Rocky is scared. I’m abandoning him. I’m leaving him alone in a spaceship he doesn’t know how to operate. But I can’t let him do anything stupid like… like jumping out of the airlock or whatever else he’s imagining to try to save me.
“I’m not worth it.”
“Grace always worth it!!” Rocky screeches. “Grace save Rocky, save stars! Grace live!”
“Rocky. Listen. Listen to me.” I take a breath. I don’t know how long the oxygen tanks will last. Several hours, at least? There’s a screen embedded in the arm of my suit that will tell me exactly how long I have left, but I refuse to look at it.
I have several hours of… floating alone through the immensity of space. Until oxygen runs out and I suffocate. I swallow. My throat clicks. I’ve been sweating and now I’m getting really thirsty.
“Rocky. I’m not worth it. I swear.”
“False! False!”
“Rocky! Listen. I didn’t even- I’m living on borrowed time. I was supposed to die a long, long time ago. You extended my life, and I thank you for it. But I was always supposed to die, okay? I didn’t even want to be on this ship in the first place. They made me. They forced me to go to space. I’m a coward. You are not. You survived alone for so long. You can survive four more years. I promise you, you can.”
The radio in my ears gives a burst of static.
“R-rocky?” I mumble, fear clogging my throat.
There’s a moment of silence. My breath continues to fog up the helmet. I stupidly brush my hand against the outside of it, as if I could wipe it off. Of course I can’t. It’s inside. I’m losing my mind.
“Rocky here,” says my friend on the other side, but the radio gives more static. “Rocky—- Grace—- save. Erid—-”
“Rocky, what? I can’t, I can’t hear you, I-...”
The radio is losing contact, I realize. I’m getting too far away and it’s struggling to hold on to the ship’s signal.
This might be–... no, scratch that : this is my last chance to say something to my friend. My best friend.
“Rocky? I love you. Okay? I’m glad I met you. Please…. Please remember me as someone… good. Someone who tried to do the right thing, even if I didn’t always-... if I didn’t succeed. I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.”
More static. I hear some music but it sounds far away. Rocky is losing me.
I’m losing him.
I’m surrounded by stars. Somewhere behind me, far, far away, is Tau Ceti. I vaguely wonder if I’ll eventually fall into its orbit and get burned up. Chances are very, very small. I am nothing in the vastness of space.
I am nothing.
I’m sobbing. I’m using up what air I have left much quicker because of the big gulps I take as my body seizes against the horror of the situation. I hope Rocky heard me, I hope he understands that I’m not worth him doing anything drastic. That his survival is much more important.
I started this whole thing running away like a coward. I’m ending it the same way. Dropping the bomb that I am a scared idiot, unworthy of his sacrifice, leaving him with those last words.
I don’t know how long I float there, crying, screaming in anguish inside my EVA suit. Maybe hours pass. Maybe minutes. The Hail Mary is just a speck now, a tiny point, lost among the stars.
A sudden urge lights up in my brain. I could take my helmet off. Maybe that’s the way to go? Maybe I should cut this short?
… I can’t. I’m still a coward.
I don’t want to die.
It hurts. The fear is so great that it physically hurts me, deep in my bones. Everything is silent, all I can hear are my strangled, desperate breaths. The radio isn’t saying anything anymore. I’ve left my friend, my only friend, my best friend, all alone.
You just have to find someone to be brave for
I close my eyes.
I guess I did, Yao. I found someone. And then I lost them. God, please, let Rocky get home safe.
I don’t want to die.
Let Rocky get to Erid.
I don’t want to die.
I scream. There’s nobody to hear me. I scream, and scream, and scream into nothingness.
I keep my eyes closed, because opening them would mean seeing… nothing. Nothing but endless stars.
Is it a poetic end for someone who was scared to go to space? Maybe a little. If not poetic, at least it’s thematic. I can feel a hysterical laughter climb up my throat.
I think hours pass.
I keep my eyes closed, not brave enough to watch my death fly by.
I still feel like I should panic more, but now I just feel tired. I feel… empty. Detached.
My name is Ryland Grace. Reluctant astronaut. First human to make contact with an alien. And my life is ending with a whisper. Not even a whisper, a fart in the wind. A stupid mistake that condemned me to the stars.
I remember letting Yao and Ilyukhina go, entrusting their body, their soul, into the embrace of space.
All three earth astronauts. Dead in space. Just like Stratt had planned.
I’m getting cold. I shiver. I’ve curled up at some point, not even realizing it. I’m a tiny speck, a ball of human flesh. My head is in my arms. Space is engulfing me.
I am alone.
I am lost.
I am Ryland Grace, and I am dead.
I don’t want to die.
Famously, there is no sound in space. So… I don’t know what triggered me to look up, blinking through scorching tears falling down my freezing face.
Here are all the stars, blinking at me. Thousands upon thousands. Uncaring. I feel so insignificant. There is nothing important about me in this place. I am nothing.
I’ve always been nothing.
What an ego I’ve had, thinking my life was worth… anything at all. Fighting to stay on earth as if that mattered.
Nothing matters.
I don’t matter.
There’s a star that’s getting bigger.
I blink. I frown. I squint.
That’s not possible. I’m rocketing backwards. If any star should be getting bigger, it should be one behind me.
But there’s a white, blinking speck in front of me, and it’s growing.
Slowly at first, thanks to the immense distance between us. But as it gets closer, it gets faster. And faster.
I recognize the shape. My breath catches in my throat. My heart jumps and I feel like I’m going to throw up.
The radio spurts to life.
“--acegracegracegracegraceGRACE WHERE ARE YOU GRACE?!”
Rocky.
Rocky is… piloting the Hail Mary? Toward him!?
“R-rocky?”
“GRACE! WHERE GRACE?”
I don’t know how to answer that. I don’t know anything. My mind is blank and all I can do is stare.
“Gracegracegracegracegra- FOUND!”
What?
I blink. The Hail Mary is so close now. I feel like I can reach out and grab it. I try. My hand closes around nothing.
I see something moving on its hull. The airlock! The airlock is opening.
And then there’s Rocky. I stare. Rocky is at the airlock. He’s not in his bubble. He’s just- how? How is he standing there in the void of space without anything to protect himself?
“ROCKY!” I scream in fear. “GET BACK IN!”
It’s like I’ve said nothing. Rocky jumps.
I scream, something unintelligible, just primal fear. Rocky is flying toward me so fast, it only takes seconds, and then he collides with me, all 400 pounds of him propulsed by his jump and the added velocity of the Hail Mary.
The force of it pushes me even faster backward. But Rocky immediately wraps all five limbs around me and holds me tight, so tight I can feel it through my EVA suit, so tight it hurts.
“Rocky! Rocky what did you do?! What did you do??” I scramble, hold him. I’m scared, and I’m mad, and I’m so worried out of my mind, but I can’t help it. I hold him. As tight as he’s holding me .
And then something goes taut, and I feel a harsh, sudden tug. It’s so brutal that it stops my lungs and my head slams against my helmet, my neck cracks. Rocky’s limbs dig into me and my bones rattle.
It hurts. Oh god, it hurts really bad.
Rocky is vibrating in my arms. He’s not moving, too busy gripping me with his bruising strength, but he’s clearly trying to say something. I can’t hear him.
I- what? I blink.
Rocky’s wrapped around me like a facehugger. His body shimmers, which it shouldn’t do. There’s something around him, a surface, glass-like but flexible. Xenonite? He made some sort of xenonite protective suit?
And then I see the tether. The three tethers in fact, all wrapped around Rocky and tied with intricate knots that would make a sailor blush, and all three leading back to the ship.
Rocky is holding on to me for dear life. He secured himself to the ship. He made a suit. And he jumped for me.
A sob escapes me.
I don’t want to die.
Rocky vibrates even harder. Is he shouting something? I can’t hear him. His fancy suit doesn’t have a radio equipped. The vacuum of space swallows his melody like it never existed.
One of his arms unlocks from around me. The sudden loss makes me feel like I’m getting unmoored all over again and I let out a sharp cry, hands scrambling to hold him even tighter, to press him against me.
His free arm simply grabs one of the tethers attached to him, and he… Hands it to me. Or tries to. I stare, not wanting to let go of him, because what if doing so means losing my only anchor all over again? What if I start floating away again?!
But Rocky vibrates once more, something urgent in the way his body tilts in my arms. I feel his limbs, locked around me so tight they hurt. If he lets go of me to drag us back to the Hail Mary, my stupid limbs in this big, bulky suit of mine have a much higher chance of accidentally letting go of him. If I’m the one bringing us back, then he can hold me with all five limbs and act as a very bulky security belt.
I do it. I wiggle my arms around him, and I grab one of the tethers. And my arms hurt, my back hurts, my entire body hurts. My breaths are coming out in staccato and I want to throw up.
But right now there’s only one thing to do, so I do it. I start to climb up the tether.
One hand after the other. Slowly. I pull us, closer and closer.
It takes forever. It takes years. My arms are straining, my every joint are whining like they need WD40. My fingers feel like they’re breaking with the force with which I wrap them around the tether. But Rocky is strapped to me, and I promised I’ll bring him home.
The ship gets bigger, until I can’t see the endless stars and the deep, gnawing black void anymore. My sight is filled with the strong hull of the Hail Mary, my eyes are staring at the opening in its side.
Eventually I reach out, and hook one trembling, weak arm onto the lip of the airlock. I pull with all that’s left of my strength, and Rocky and I float in.
Rocky does something, and the airlock’s door closes.
The walls close around me. I’m inside. Space is outside. I’m in.
My head swims. I don’t know how I manage to trip in zero gravity but somehow I do. I hit the ceiling.
Rocky suddenly lets go of me. A surge of fear climbs up my spine and I desperately reach out for him, trying to keep the only thing that’s keeping me here and present and safe.
Rocky says something, moves around me, touches me. I can’t understand him. My ears are ringing again. I feel a tug, and then I’m… moving.
It takes me a long time to realize I’m being pulled along with one of the tethers. Rocky is dragging me further inside like I’m a helium balloon.
It should be funny. The visual alone would not be out of place in a whacky sitcom about a human stranded in space and his alien best friend. But right now I’m not laughing, I’m just trying to remember how to breathe, because there are walls and a floor and a ceiling and it’s reassuring and also pressing down on me at the same time.
Mary says something, I hear a garbled word soup. And then, slowly, I float down, until I hit the floor.
I’m not moving. I’m on my back, staring at the ceiling. Am I in the cockpit? There are so many buttons blinking on the ceiling.
And then there’s Rocky, and I can still hear his whalesong but my brain can’t make heads nor tails of it. His spindly limbs start scratching at me, poking me with sort of manic energy, and then they’re scratching my helmet, twisting around my head, until I hear a click and a whoosh of air and now I’m out of the helmet.
I stop breathing, my brain sending a spike of panic because I need it there’s oxygen in there I’m going to die–
“Grace? Grace alive, question? Grace hear Rocky, question? Grace. Grace. Grace. Breathe Grace. Grace breathe, statement.”
I try to speak, my throat is tight and all that comes out is a whine. It seems to reassure Rocky somewhat, because his incessant repeating of my name stops.
I can still feel his pointy limbs all over my body, poking and prodding, and it takes me a minute to realise he’s doing his echolocation thing, using sound to look for injuries. After a little while he seems satisfied, and then suddenly I have a four hundred pounds alien looming over me.
“Grace. You are all right, statement. Rocky save Grace. Grace is okay. Grace is in the Hail Mary and Grace is safe. Safe safe safe.”
The next sound that comes out of me is a sob. My arms are heavy and my muscles scream in protest but I still find myself wrapping Rocky into a hug, desperate to anchor myself. Rocky awkwardly lowers himself though he is still careful not to put his entire weight on me, but right now I couldn’t care less if he crushed me. At least it would mean I’m not floating off anywhere ever again.
I hold onto him tightly just as he held onto me earlier. His xenonite suit is really, really warm. It only takes a few seconds before it starts to get too much and I start sweating profusely into my EVA suit.
“Rocky here,” rumbles my friend. “Rocky found Grace. Grace is all right.”
“You-you-” my voice trembles, it’s weak and it’s strangled. “You saved me…”
“Rocky always saves Grace. Always always always!”
“No- no, no, no, no…”
I let go of him and scramble back. I manage to sit up and face him, Rocky, my friend, who just jumped into outer space to save my stupid ass.
I’m suddenly way too hot. I scramble for my suit, hands still shaking and fingers uncoordinated, but I manage to tear it off of me. My clothes hug my body, stuck to me with sweat. I shiver.
“You jumped- Rocky, you jumped!”
“Of course I jump. I save Grace!”
“No- you can’t- oh my God. I’m going to be sick.”
I manage to turn myself away at least before I lose what meager breakfast I’d eaten before going out. Rocky makes a sound I can only translate as “ew”, but soon enough I feel his claw pat me on the back.
“There, there,” he says in the most monotonous, flat way he can achieve. “Grace okay now. Grace home.”
Home.
Right. I promised to get Rocky home. And I almost failed. I almost left him alone in a ship he can’t control and–
Wait.
I wipe my mouth with a trembling hand and turn around. Rocky tilts his carapace to the side in a silent question.
“How did you- How did you do this?!”
“Rocky clever,” he says, rising a little on his limbs. “Rocky do math. Find Grace quick. Save Grace before oxygen runs out.”
Math. Right. His ability to see through walls would have given him the exact point from which I fell, and I could have only gone away in a very straight line as long as I didn’t collide with anything. For his brain and how easy math comes to him, it must have been pretty easy to calculate my exact trajectory. Then all he needed was an approximate velocity at which I would have rocketed away, and… and then…
“But the ship- how did you make it-”
“You said. Rocky observed Grace many times. Learned. I made suit, can touch buttons and tap screens. And Mary help!”
Oh God. I’m crying again. I’m sobbing. I curl up on the floor.
“Grace? Grace okay, question? Need Armando robot? What need, question? Rocky give.”
I just reach for him. He understands immediately and curls up against me, his warmth sinking into my bones.
We stay like this for a long, long time. Tears still fall from my eyes but I’m not sobbing. I think I’m too tired. The heat from his suit starts to actually burn but I still don’t move.
I don’t know if I’ll ever find the strength to let go of him.