Archive of Our Own

Buck was having an alright day. The sun was shining, even if it was a little obscured by the clouds, the birds were singing, even if it was a little off-key, and the grass was green, even if it was a little dead in certain areas.

He woke up early to the sound of Theo causing havoc. Several crashes, all proceeding one another, came from the kitchen. Buck pried open his eyes, rubbed them and pulled on a t-shirt to head to the source of the disaster.

Theo was standing on the kitchen counter, having seemingly used a dining chair to get up there, and he was surrounded by boxes of teabags that had toppled out of the cupboard onto the floor. Buck was glad that at least it wasn't anything that would spill and make a mess. Thank the Lord for small mercies, he supposed.

"I wanted to make you tea," Theo said, not sounding ashamed in the slightest.

"Theo." Buck sighed, coming to pick Theo up and put him down on the floor. He then bent down to pick up all the boxes and the teabags. "It's not safe to do that. Do you even know how to make tea?"

"Chris says that tea is just leaves," Theo said, sounding for all the world like anything Chris said was law. "I thought there would be leaves in the cupboard but it's just boxes."

Buck put the boxes back in the cupboard and crouched down to Theo's level to look him in the eye. "Buddy, you can't be climbing on the kitchen counter. It's not safe."

He shouldn't have been surprised that Theo was a climber. After all, he'd met the kid at four after he climbed an electricity pylon for the sake of a balloon. Climbing a kitchen counter for leaves was on the mild end of things.

"I just wanted to make you tea," Theo complained, stamping his foot. Buck placed a hand on Theo's shoulder.

"I'm not mad at you," he said, trying to remember to express his feelings out loud so that Theo didn't feel attacked. "I'm worried. I don't want you to get hurt. How about, instead of making me tea, you help me cook breakfast? Does that sound like a good trade off?"

Theo nodded enthusiastically, the tea forgotten. "Can I stir the eggs?"

"Sure you can," Buck said. "We need to make extra, remember? Eddie and Chris are coming over."

Theo let out a squeal of excitement and ran to the fridge, opening it and reaching for the eggs that Buck had strategically placed at Theo's height.

"Careful with those," Buck warned. Theo nodded solemnly and walked dramatically slowly over to Buck with the eggs. Buck moved the chair so that Theo could stand on it to whisk the eggs.

It wasn't simple. Buck turned his back for five seconds to put the toast on and somehow egg got everywhere and, when he cleaned it up, Theo decided he was bored and wanted the toast to come quicker and nearly had a meltdown over it. However, by the time the keys in the front door turned, there were just enough scrambled eggs for everybody.

"Hi!" Chris called as the front door shut.

"In the kitchen!" Buck called back.

He heard the clacking of crutches and Eddie and Chris's footsteps as they came into the kitchen. Theo launched himself at Eddie and was swept up in Eddie's arms in a big hug.

"We made eggs!" Theo announced.

"Really? What kind?" Eddie asked, putting on his most intrigued voice. Buck smiled.

"Scrambled," Theo said, "and I tried to make Buck tea but I'm not supposed to."

"Tea is for weirdos anyway," Chris said. "It's just leaves. Coffee on the other hand—"

"You're not having coffee," Eddie cut him off. "You'll be bouncing off the walls at school. Theo, you're right. You're not supposed to make tea."

"But you make tea," Theo said, pouting.

"Eddie's a grown-up," Buck interjected. "He knows how to be careful with hot things."

"He's a firefighter," Chris argued unhelpfully. Buck shot him a look and Chris rolled his eyes.

"I'm a very careful firefighter." Eddie came to the rescue. "Who's hungry?"

"Me!" Theo yelled, wiggling out of Eddie's arms to go and sit at the table. Buck placed his plate in front of him and set the table for everyone else. Theo was already stuffing his face by the time the rest of them sat down.

Buck ate his food slowly. He was in no rush today. There was a whole day of relaxing ahead.

"I thought we might go out today," Eddie said.

Buck frowned. "I thought we were resting."

Eddie looked a bit sheepish. "Yeah, but it's a beautiful day out and I thought we might go to the garden centre."

At the mention of a new place, Theo perked up. "What's a garden centre?"

"It's where they sell lots of plants," Buck explained. "I don't know about going. I'm kind of tired."

"I want to go to the garden centre!" Theo said.

Eddie's eyes widened and he looked at Buck in a way that reminded him of a really hopeful puppy.

Buck sighed. "Alright. But just for a couple of hours, okay?"

He glanced at Chris, expecting him to say something along the lines of having homework to do. Instead, Chris was looking at Eddie with something glinting in his eyes and a small smile on his face as he poked at his scrambled eggs.

"Family trip!" Theo exclaimed far too loudly.

"Inside voices," Buck reminded him, choosing to ignore the use of the word 'family'.

"Family trip!" Theo whispered at a volume not dissimilar to the one before it.

They finished their scrambled eggs, with Chris and Eddie exchanging furtive glances every so often, which was freaking Buck out. He wasn't sure what they were hiding but he was sure they were hiding something. Theo, of course, remained oblivious.

They drove in Buck's jeep not because Eddie's car wasn't fitted with a car seat for Theo but because Eddie's car was, according to Theo, "less cool" than Buck's jeep. Eddie had tried to plead his car's case but there was no mercy from the kid.

"When will we get there?" Theo asked from the backseat.

"Soon," Buck said. "In about ten minutes."

"That's ages!" Theo whined. "I want to be there now!"

"How about we play a game?" Eddie said, ever Buck's saving grace. "What about 'I Spy'?"

"That's a terrible game," Chris muttered.

"That's boring!" Theo agreed. "I want to play 'Word Asses'!"

Chris snorted. "You what?"

Buck sighed. "It's 'Word Association'. We've been over this."

"We can play 'Word Association'," Eddie said. "How do you play?"

"I say a word and Chris says the first word he thinks of and then you say the first word you think of to do with Chris's word and then Buck says the first word he thinks of to do with your word and then I say—"

"Got it," Eddie thankfully interrupted. "Are you starting?"

"Yep!" Theo said. "I've got to think of a good word."

"Make sure you pick a really good one," Buck said, looking at Theo in the rear-view mirror.

Theo was silent for a couple of minutes before he said, with the utmost sincerity, "Poop."

Chris grinned. "Buck."

Eddie chuckled like a traitor. "Okay, so now I think of a word?"

"You don't think," Theo protested. "You say the first word you think of."

"Ah, got it," Eddie said, "sorry. Um… Evan."

Theo wrinkled his nose. "That's not a word."

"Neither is 'Buck'," Chris pointed out.

"Yes it is," Theo said. "He's our Buck."

"I stand corrected," Chris replied. "Dad, think of another one."

Eddie slightly untwisted himself from how he was sitting to face the boys and faced Buck, who kept his hands on the steering wheel and his eyes on the road despite being stared at.

"Got your back," Eddie said. Buck's hands tightened on the steering wheel. Whatever he expected to hear, it wasn't that.

"That's three words," Chris pointed out.

"That's okay," Buck said, ignoring how his voice sounded slightly strained. "My word is 'emergency'."

"Firefighter!" Theo said.

"Family," Chris said.

God, was everyone trying to give Buck a heart attack today? It was like they wanted him to crash the car!

"Home," Eddie said, still looking at Buck.

Buck didn't dare look back as he managed to say, "House."

"That's basically the same word," Chris protested.

"I think that's for Theo to decide," Buck said.

Theo tapped his chin. "Uh… I'll allow it."

"Thank you," Buck said. "Oh, look! We're here."

He pulled into the garden centre's car park and found a parking space. He and Eddie got Theo and Chris's wheelchair out of the car and they set off into the centre.

Theo was amazed by all the different plants. He and Chris wandered off to look at the cacti while Buck and Eddie searched for an indoor, less spikey plant.

"What about an artificial plant?" Eddie suggested.

"Theo wants a real one," Buck said.

"Will he know the difference?"

Buck paused. There was a very real chance that he might not. "Good point. Do you think they sell some here? We should go ask."

"Hey," Eddie said, catching Buck's arm. "Wait a second?"

"Why? There's someone right over there."

Eddie shook his head and Buck paused.

"Is everything okay?" he asked.

Eddie nodded. "Yeah. Everything's great. I just need to talk to you about something."

Buck frowned. He couldn't think of anything he might have done to earn the title of 'something to talk about'. As far as he knew, he'd been acing it lately with the whole best friend thing and the whole foster kid thing and the whole recovery thing. Sure, things weren't perfect and some days he struggled more than others but he was doing alright. Everything was fine, or it had been, and now Eddie was looking at him with such a serious expression that it was frightening.

"Okay," Buck said. "Hit me. What is it?"

Eddie sucked in a breath before exhaling slowly. "I had a reason for wanting to go out today."

Buck had been sort of aware of that what with all the looks, both secretive and pleading. "Is it because you're dying?"

He said it half as a joke but the other half of him was geniunely worried.

"No," Eddie said, rubbing a hand over his jaw. "No one's dying. It's the opposite of that."

"You're having a baby?" Buck gasped.

Eddie laughed and shook his head. "God, Buck, no! Okay, maybe it's not the exact opposite. It's good news. I've been going to therapy recently."

"Oh," Buck said. "That's great."

Eddie held up a hand. "Not done, sorry. So, I've been going to therapy, and I've made a few breakthroughs."

Buck stayed quiet as Eddie drew a breath.

"And they've been kind of life-changing to be honest," Eddie continued. "It's made me reflect a lot on what I want in life and how I want to live. And it mostly boils down to one thing: I want to be content with my life an how I've lived it. You know, sixty years from now, when I'm on my death bed, I want to be happy with how I did everything and I know there's some things that I would kick myself for if I didn't do."

"Like what?"

"Like if I never told you that I'm in love with you."

Buck blinked. Then he blinked again. Then he closed his eyes for a few seconds longer than a blink and opened them. Nope, not dreaming.

Eddie didn't look nervous. He didn't look panicked or sweaty or agitated. He looked peaceful, like a weight had been lifted off him.

Buck wished he felt the same. Instead, it felt like everything was coming crashing down.

"What?"

"Do you need me to say it again?" Eddie asked, sounding amused.

Buck shook his head. "No. No, I just… I don't understand."

"I love you," Eddie said. "What else is there to understand?"

"How?" Buck said, sounding even to his own ears like he was going insane. "Why? When?"

"Because it's easy," Eddie said, "because you're you and since two months ago. At least, I've been aware of it since then. It probably started a lot longer ago."

"You're not serious," Buck said.

Eddie chuckled. "This is not exactly the reaction I was expecting."

"What did you expect?" Buck asked. "Eddie, this is insane!"

Eddie's peaceful expression faltered a little. "Why? It's us."

"That's exactly why it's insane," Buck hissed. "What about Theo and Chris?"

"Chris knows," Eddie said. "He's more than okay with it and I'm sure Theo would be too."

"What about the station?" Buck asked. "What about our families?"

"What about us?" Eddie countered. "What about you and me? Don't we deserve to be happy?"

"It's not as easy as that," Buck said firmly. "You know it's not."

Eddie nodded. "I know. But it could be."

He reached out and took Buck's hand gently in his, giving him the opportunity to pull away. Buck didn't. He couldn't.

"I love you," Eddie said again. "And I'm about fifty one percent sure that you love me too."

"One percent isn't enough to chance this on."

"Then tell me how you feel."

"We can't."

"That's not an answer."

"We could ruin everything."

"Buck."

Buck thought of everything they'd ever been through. He thought of everything they had ahead of them. He thought of a whole life they had built together and he knew his answer. He knew what he had to say.

"No."

Eddie let go of his hand. "No?"

Buck could feel the tears slipping down his cheeks. "No. No, I can't."

"You can't or you won't?" Eddie said sharply.

"I can't," Buck said, sounding every ounce as miserable as he felt. "I need you to understand."

"I understand," Eddie said, frowning. "I definitely understand."

"Eddie—"

"We should get the kids. Chris has homework."

"Eddie," Buck begged but Eddie was already walking away. Buck watched him go, his head feeling light. The world was spinning around him and every noise felt like a gunshot. The last thing he saw was Eddie putting his hands on Theo and Chris's shoulders before everything vanished and it all went dark.

—

Buck woke up in his bed to the sound of a crash. He felt dizzy and like he might vomit. He tried to rack his brains for how he got back home but he couldn't remember. What he did remember, in excruciating detail, was his conversation with Eddie. He hated every second of it. Eddie probably loathed him now and rightfully so but it was either Eddie hated him now or Eddie hated him later and Buck had every memory of a time when Eddie didn't hate him, quite the opposite. Buck couldn't stand the idea of having Eddie love him only for it to be taken away. It would kill him.

He just hoped Eddie would understand.

Buck got up and pulled on his t-shirt, heading for the kitchen. He entered and found Theo stood on the counter with boxes of tea dropped on the floor.

"Theo, again?" he said, sighing.

Theo frowned. "Again?"

"You did this yesterday, bud, and I told you you're not supposed to try and make tea. That's for grown-ups."

Theo pulled a face. "I didn't do this yesterday."

"Theo," Buck warned.

"I didn't!" Theo said. "We went to Auntie Maddie's house yesterday and I played dolls with Jee."

"That was two days ago," Buck said, crossing the room to press a hand to Theo's forehead. "Are you okay? Did you hit your head?"

Theo, who looked admittedly fine, shook his head.

Buck peered at him. He didn't appear to have dilated pupils or a bump on his head or any of the usual signs of a concussion. Still, it was better to be on the safe side. He got out his phone and called Hen.

"Hello?" she answered. "Buck? Is everything okay?"

"Yeah," Buck said, "but Theo's having some memory problems. He seems to think it's yesterday. I don't know if he hit his head or something."

"Isn't Eddie coming around soon? He can check."

Buck paused. "Eddie? Why would he be coming?"

Hen huffed. "Because it's a Sunday? You told us he was coming today and that you were making scrambled eggs."

Buck scowled. "Very funny. I was worried for a second. How did you get Theo to agree to this?"

"Are you okay, Buck?" Hen asked. Buck had to give it to her. She was a good actress. "I didn't get Theo to agree to anything."

"It's Monday, Hen," Buck said. "I know it's Monday."

There was a brief hesitation on the other end of the line where Hen said something to someone, presumably Karen, before coming back to the phone.

"Buck, have you hit your head at all today?"

"Yesterday, maybe? We were at the garden centre and I kind of blacked out."

"You and Maddie and Chim and the kids?"

Buck frowned. "No, us and Eddie and Chris."

"That's not right," Hen said. "You were with Maddie and Chim yesterday."

"This isn't funny."

"I'm not joking."

Buck glanced at Theo, who appeared concerned. He was tilting his head at Buck and furrowing his brow. What was worse was that Hen sounded serious and she really wasn't that good of an actress.

Buck was about to say something when he heard keys in the front door. He hung up on Hen.

"Hi!" Chris called out as the door opened and closed.

"In the kitchen," Buck muttered absentmindedly.

Chris and Eddie rounded the door and came in. Buck nearly threw up at the sight of his best friend, the image of Eddie's peaceful face burned in his mind.

"Buck's being weird," Theo proclaimed.

"I'm fine," Buck said quickly.

"Hen texted me," Eddie said, placing a hand on Buck's shoulder and looking him up and down. "She said you were confused."

Buck stepped back, out of Eddie's reach. "I'm not. I'm fine."

"Have you not made breakfast?" Chris asked. "I thought we were having eggs."

"I tried to make tea," Theo announced, "but I'm not supposed to."

"Tea's for weirdos anyway," Chris said. "It's just leaves."

"Making tea's for grown-ups," Buck said faintly.

"Exactly," Eddie said, scooping Theo off the counter and into a hug. "Grown-ups know how to handle hot things safely."

"You're a firefighter," Chris argued.

"I'm a very careful firefighter," Eddie replied.

Buck spun around and retched into the sink.

"Whoa," Eddie said, putting Theo down and patting Buck's back, which only made him retch again. "You don't look good. Did you have some wine with Maddie yesterday?"

"It wasn't yesterday," Buck said, wiping his mouth. "This was yesterday."

"Chris, why don't you and Theo go play in the living room?" Eddie suggested. "I just need to ask Buck a few questions."

Chris and Theo left the room and Eddie leaned against the counter, still patting Buck's back.

"What day is it today?" he asked.

"Monday," Buck said. "But I keep being told it's Sunday."

"What's your name?"

"I don't have a concussion."

Eddie glared at him and Buck sighed.

"My name is Evan Buckley. The president is the guy we all hate. I don't have a concussion. I'm just going insane because all of this happened yesterday."

"All of what?"

"Everything!" Buck said. "Right down to the clothes you're wearing! It all happened yesterday! I think I'm in some kind of time loop."

"Take a breath," Eddie said. "Time loops aren't real."

"Then what is this?"

"I don't know. That's why I think we should go to the hospital."

Buck didn't want to go to the hospital but he also didn't want to be stuck in a time loop and if this could at least prove to Eddie that he was stuck in a time loop and not affected by some sort of infection or disorder then he was happy to do that.

They dropped the kids off at Hen's on their way. She did all her checks on Buck and announced that he didn't have a concussion but was obviously not okay. Eddie thanked her and they drove straight to the hospital.

The waiting room was cold and boring and filled with people who needed to be seen far more than Buck did. However, he was seen pretty quickly.

The doctor checked over him, went through his history and ordered some blood tests and they had to wait for another half an hour before the results came back. When they did, he was negative for everything.

"See?" Buck said to Eddie and the doctor. "Time loop."

"That's not reassuring me," Eddie replied, turning to the doctor. "Do you think this could be linked to his past dependency?"

She shook her head. "Maybe, but we've done all the tests. If it is, it would be a resulting mental illness."

Buck hated the phrase 'mental illness'. He wasn't mentally ill. He was going insane, sure, but he wasn't mentally ill.

"Are there any treatment options?" Eddie asked. "Will it go away on its own?"

The doctor looked mostly tired and a bit sympathetic. "I can refer Mr. Buckley to mental health services but the waiting lists are long. The best thing you can do right now, both of you, is to go home and rest. If at any point, Mr. Buckley, you feel that you are a danger to yourself or others then please come back to A&E. Mr. Diaz, if you feel that you cannot keep him or others safe, please bring him back to A&E immediately."

Eddie nodded. "Yeah. Will do."

Buck walked out of the hospital, mind racing. He'd watched a lot of movies with time loops with the most famous being 'Groundhog Day'. In that, all the guy had to do was live a perfect day where he was kind and selfless. He had to change. Buck wasn't entirely sure what he was doing that was so selfish but he knew he had to change too. Those were the rules. It was the only way to escape.

"We should get home," Eddie said, unlocking the car. "If it's okay, I think we should leave Theo and Chris at Hen and Karen's for a bit, just to make sure you're feeling a bit better."

"What do I do that's selfish?" Buck asked, climbing into the passenger seat.

Eddie got into the driver's seat. "What?"

"What do I do that's selfish?" Buck repeated. "That's how this works. I'm selfish and I need to change so the universe sends me into a time loop to try and get me to figure everything out."

Eddie shook his head. "Buck, you are the most selfless person I know."

"And yet here I am," Buck said, "stuck in a time loop."

"You're not—" Eddie cut himself off. "Okay, say you are stuck in a time loop. Say it's all true. Can you tell me what happens next?"

"I don't know yet," Buck said. "This is only my second day. By the time I reach Day 100, I'll be able to anticipate your every move."

Where Buck would have expected Eddie to chuckle, he found only a grim expression.

"Try and get some rest on the way home," Eddie said. "Sleep is good for you."

Buck didn't argue and leaned back, closing his eyes. He was very tired after all that waiting around in the emergency department. Maybe things would be better when he woke up.

—

Buck woke up in his bed. Well, it was more like he was startled awake by the loud crash that came from the kitchen. He groaned, rubbing his eyes.

"Theo, get off the counter!" he called.

The sound of Theo's little footsteps came padding over to Buck's bedroom and he climbed up onto the bed, allowing himself to be pulled in for a hug by Buck. "How did you know?"

"I know everything," Buck teased. "No making tea, okay? It's for grown-ups because we know how to be careful with hot things."

Buck figured that today would be a day to gather intel. He'd play the day like it was normal and find out exactly what everyone would do and say so that he could make notes and anticipate everything that was going to happen. That way he could prove to Eddie that he really was in a time loop and maybe even figure out where he was going wrong in his life.

"But you're a firefighter," Theo said, frowning. Buck blamed Chris for that one, even if Chris hadn't actually said it in this loop.

"I'm a careful firefighter," Buck said, echoing Eddie's words. "Do you want to make scrambled eggs for Eddie and Chris?"

"Yeah!" Theo exclaimed, squirming his way out of Buck's arms and running off to the kitchen.

Buck got out of bed, threw on a t-shirt and followed him.

By the time Buck heard keys in the door, the scrambled eggs were ready. He set the table as the door opened.

"Hi!" Chris called. The door shut.

"In the kitchen!" Buck replied

Chris's crutches clacked against the floor as he came through to the kitchen, followed by Eddie. Theo launched himself at Eddie upon seeing him.

"We made eggs!" Theo announced.

"Really?" Eddie asked. "What kind?"

"Scrambled!" Theo said. "And I tried to make Buck tea but I'm not supposed to because that's for grown-ups who know how to be careful with hot things."

"Exactly," Buck said, pointing a spoon at him.

"But you guys are firefighters," Chris said.

"That's what I said!" Theo gasped. Eddie adjusted his grip on Theo as Theo leaned in to whisper loudly in Eddie's ear, "Buck knows everything."

Eddie grinned. "Does he now?"

"He knew I was on the counter," Theo said, resuming normal volume. "It was magic."

"I'm a wizard," Buck said.

Chris snorted. Eddie hushed him and set Theo down on his chair before sitting down himself.

"I'm sure you are," Eddie said, looking at Buck with adoring eyes. Now that Buck knew Eddie had feelings for him, he couldn't help but see it. Eddie was openly gazing at Buck like he wanted to… Well, Buck wasn't sure what but none of it was platonic. Buck cleared his throat and looked away.

Chris pretended to gag.

They ate their scrambled eggs quickly. Chris kept glancing at Eddie, who kept glancing back at him. They were horrible at being subtle but Theo didn't seem to notice.

Buck did.

Buck noticed everything.

"I thought we might go out today," Eddie said.

Buck thought of a garden centre and a love confession and everything going horribly wrong. He knew he was supposed to be letting this day play out but he couldn't go through that again.

"Another time," he said. "I'm exhausted."

Eddie frowned. "I really think it would be fun. It's a beautiful day. Maybe we could go to the garden centre."

"What's a garden centre?" Theo asked.

"It's where they sell plants," Buck explained. "I'm really tired. Maybe you could take Chris and Theo on your own?"

"I really think you should come with us, Buck," Chris said.

Buck shook his head. "Sorry, buddy. I think I had too much wine with Maddie yesterday. My head's killing me. I promise I'll go with you another time."

"I want to go to the garden centre!" Theo said.

"If Buck's not feeling well, we could stay in," Eddie relented after a moment.

"You can go without me," Buck protested weakly. "I'll be fine."

Eddie shook his head. "No. We'll just stay in. We can play board games."

"I love board games!" Theo said, wide eyed and completely subscribed to the change of plans in a heartbeat. "Can we play 'Word Asses'?"

"'Word Association' and that's not a board game, bud," Buck pointed out.

Theo crossed his arms. "I want to play it!"

"We can play that," Eddie said. "How do you play?"

Theo beamed. "So, I say a word and Chris has to say the first word he thinks of and then you say the first word that has to do with Chris's word and then Buck says the first word that has to do with your word and then I say—"

"Got it," Eddie said. "Are you starting?"

Theo nodded. "I need to think of a good word."

"Take your time," Buck said

The kitchen was silent as Theo scratched his chin and pondered.

After a minute, Theo said, "Poop."

Chris snorted. "Buck."

"Evan," Eddie said.

Theo groaned. "That's not a word!"

"It's a name," Eddie protested. "And 'Buck' isn't a word either."

"Yeah it is," Theo said. "He's our Buck."

"He's got a point," Chris said.

"Fine," Eddie said, pausing. His eyes flicked over to Buck. "Got your back."

Buck tensed.

"That's three words," Chris said.

"I don't mind," Buck said, clearing his throat. "Emergency."

"Firefighter," Theo said.

"Family," Chris replied.

"Home," Eddie said, still looking at Buck with those large eyes of adoration. Buck stared at the table.

"House."

"That's basically the same word," Chris protested.

"Theo?" Buck said.

"I'll allow it," Theo proclaimed. "Safe."

Buck felt his heart melt a little at that. He was doing his best to provide as safe of a space as possible for Theo and it was good to know that at least some of it was getting through.

"Love," Chris said. Buck nearly flinched.

Eddie didn't speak for a moment and a part of Buck was horrified at the thought that he might confess right there in front of the kids. "Family."

"You can't say the same word twice!" Chris said as Buck almost sighed in relief.

"Says who?" Eddie said.

"Says the rules!" Chris said. "Pick a different word."

"Fine," Eddie conceded. "Passion."

"Ew!" Chris yelped.

"What's 'passion'?" Theo asked.

"I didn't mean it like that!" Eddie said. "I meant passion as in loving someone so much that they burn brightly within you. They're your other half but they don't complete you. They add to your whole until what you thought was everything is even bigger. That kind of passion."

"Ew!" Chris said.

"Gross," Theo added.

Buck felt like he was drowning in Eddie's gaze. He wanted to scream.

"It's not gross," Eddie said. "It's love."

"Love is gross," Theo declared. "I'm never going to fall in love."

"And that's okay if you don't," Buck swooped in to stop the conversation from going any further. "Love doesn't solve everything."

"It's not about solving. It's about adding," Eddie said.

"Well, not everything needs adding to," Buck replied. "Sometimes it's not worth the risk of everything getting taken away."

"That wouldn't happen."

"You don't know that."

Buck glared at Eddie, who looked somewhat pained. Chris looked between them, frowning.

Buck's head was starting to swim again. "I'm going to have a nap."

"You only just got up," Chris said.

"I'm tired. I'll come and play with you guys in fifteen minutes, okay?"

He got up and went straight to his bedroom but was stopped from closing the door by Eddie reaching out and holding the handle on the other side.

"Eddie, can this wait?" Buck pleaded.

Eddie shook his head. "No. It can't. I wanted to tell you this evening or when we were out but I can't keep this a secret from you."

"You can," Buck said. "You have to."

"You're right that love doesn't always work out but I want to believe. I want to try." Eddie smiled. "I've done some therapy lately and I've made some breakthroughs."

"Can you tell me in a bit?" Buck asked.

"Evan," Eddie said. "Please."

Buck wanted to cry. He probably was going to cry. He stared down at the ground and let Eddie speak.

"It's made me reflect a lot on what I want in life and how I want to live. And it mostly boils down to one thing: I want to be content with my life an how I've lived it. You know, sixty years from now, when I'm on my death bed, I want to be happy with how I did everything and I know there's some things that I would kick myself for if I didn't do, like telling you that I'm in love with you."

Buck shook his head.

"I am," Eddie insisted. "You add to me, Buck. I love you."

Buck felt the tears start to stream down his face. Eddie reached out for him and Buck took a step back.

"I can't," he said.

Eddie frowned. "What do you mean?"

"I mean I can't," Buck repeated. "We can't."

Eddie's tone sharpened. "Can't or won't?"

Buck looked him in the eyes. "Does it matter?"

"It matters," Eddie said.

"I just can't, Eddie, okay? This can't happen."

Eddie bit his lip and nodded, expression closing off. "Right. I'll come and wake you in fifteen minutes. Have a nice nap."

He closed the door and Buck sank down onto his bed, burying his face in his hands and sobbing as the world span and slowly faded into nothing.

—

Buck woke up and was fed up with everything. He'd had to endure Eddie's confession twice now and twice was two times too many. He didn't get what he done so badly wrong to be forced to live one of the worst moments of his life over and over again. It was like the universe was handing him an exam that he'd never studied before in his worse subject being supervised by his least favourite teacher. It was unfair.

The crash from the kitchen was as loud as ever.

Buck sighed deeply, put on his t-shirt, sent a few messages on his phone and headed for the kitchen yet again. Theo was standing on the counter (again) with boxes of tea on the floor (again). Buck came in and picked him up, carrying him through to the hallway.

"You're going to stay with Auntie Maddie today," Buck said, grabbing Theo's shoes and putting them on the kid. Theo wiggled his foot out of one.

"I saw her yesterday," Theo said, "and Eddie and Chris are coming."

"Change of plans," Buck said. "I've messaged everyone to let them know what's going on. Jee and Nash will be excited to see you."

"Nash is a baby," Theo said. "He doesn't get excited."

Buck smiled and it was only mildly forced. "Of course he does. He's always excited to see you, Spider-Man."

Theo stared at him apprehensively but let Buck put his shoe back on and lead him out to the car. Buck's phone was buzzing in his pocket but he let the call go to voicemail. It was probably Maddie asking him about Theo coming over or Eddie getting all worried. The only good thing that seemed to come out of Eddie getting worried was , when he was truly worried, he didn't confess. Maybe Buck could skip a third re-run of that speech today.

Buck buckled Theo in and started the drive. They arrived fairly quickly, despite the traffic, and Maddie opened the door, eyes wide.

"Is everything okay?" she asked.

"Yeah," Buck said. "I just need you to watch Theo for a bit. I've got some things to do."

Maddie frowned. "You didn't mention anything yesterday."

Buck shrugged. "Change of plans."

Theo hugged Maddie and she patted his back in return, pulling him close to her side.

"If you're sure you're okay," she said. "Don't suffer in silence."

"I won't," Buck promised, which was an absolute lie but, given the circumstances, probably a reasonable one. "I'll be back by six."

He left before Chimney could come to the door and bombard him with questions and before Maddie could attempt to do the same.

Buck went straight to his car and drove for as long as he could before his leg started hurting and his back ached. He ended up stopping at a service station, which was still in L.A but was substantially more inland.

He sat down on one of the benches outside and closed his eyes, waiting for the day to reset in blissful silence. Admittedly, this wasn't one of his better plans but the logic was sound enough. If he didn't interact with anyone, he couldn't do anything wrong. There would be no mistake to fix and he could go back to living his life. Plus, at run-down service stations like this one, there was usually someone in the movie that you'd run into and they'd give you the answer to all your problems as cryptically as possible.

"Sir?"

Buck opened his eyes. Here the person was!

They were elderly with a cane and crescent moon glasses, which was basically everything a mysterious person who doubled as a plot device was supposed to be. This must have been Buck's sign from the universe that there was an answer.

"Yes?" Buck said, eager to have wisdom imparted on him.

"You have to buy something to use the benches," the person said, pointing at the Starbucks sign.

"Sorry," Buck said, digging out his wallet. "Have you got anything that's one dollar?"

The person scoffed. "This is Starbucks."

"Fair enough." Buck rummaged around in his wallet for some more cash and found a five dollar bill. He handed it to the person. "I don't actually want anything but that way we can pretend I ordered something."

"Sir, you have to actually buy something," the person said.

"My name's Buck," Buck offered, peering at the person's name badge. "Nice to meet you, Robin."

"Flattery won't help you," Robin said firmly.

Buck frowned. "Don't you have anything you want to say to me?"

"Yes," they said. "Order something or get off the bench. Loitering is rude."

So maybe this person wasn't the one with all the answers.

Buck ordered a cappuccino.

Several minutes later, he was sipping his cappuccino when he heard the rumble of another car. It wasn't shocking as there had been several cars that had come in after Buck but what was shocking was the person that came out of it: Eddie Diaz.

"Buck!" Eddie said, jogging over and crouching down in front of Buck, who was still sat on the bench. "Are you okay?"

Buck's eyes nearly bulged out of his head. He'd driven for two hours! He'd gone in a straight line away from his house and yet here Eddie was with his large, concerned eyes and his hand taking Buck's wrist to check his pulse.

"What are you doing here?" Buck asked the obvious question. "How did you find me?"

Eddie looked at him as if he'd gone mad. "You made me install the Find My Friends app. I came to find you because you cancelled and then left Theo with your sister. Something's obviously going on with you."

Buck resented that statement, even if it was very much the truth. "Nothing's going on with me. Can't a guy want some space sometimes?"

Eddie raised an eyebrow and Buck felt himself deflate a little.

"Fine," he said, "but you're not going to believe me."

"Try me," Eddie said.

"I'm in a time loop," Buck said.

Eddie blinked at him. "What?"

"A time loop," Buck repeated. "For some reason, I'm stuck cleaning the kitchen, eating eggs, playing 'Word Association' and… other stuff."

Eddie squinted at him. "When did you hit your head?"

Buck let out a bitter laugh. "We've been over this before. I haven't hit my head, the hospital tests all came back clear and I'm not mentally ill. This is my fourth Sunday and I need you to believe me."

The last part came out as a sort of choked sob.

"Hey, it's okay," Eddie said, getting up and sitting down so that he could hug Buck to his chest. Buck folded in on himself and into Eddie, letting himself cry.

"I don't know what I'm doing wrong," Buck managed to say through his tears. "I just want things to be back to normal but everything keeps going wrong and I'm clearly doing something wrong and I don't know how to fix anything and—"

"It's alright," Eddie said, rubbing a hand up and down Buck's back. "You're alright. We'll fix it together. How have I helped you before?"

Buck knew that Eddie was only playing along because he thought challenging Buck's apparently delusional beliefs would make things worse but it was comforting nonetheless.

"You haven't," he said, pulling away from Eddie's embrace. "I fall asleep or the room starts spinning and then I wake up again."

"Is there anything different about today to a normal non-time-loop day?"

Buck managed to contain his flinch to a minimal wince. Eddie still noticed.

"I'll take that as a yes," he said. "What happened?"

Buck shook his head. "Nothing. Really, it's stupid."

"Buck."

Buck stared down at the ground wondering if the universe might be merciful this time. It wasn't. "You keep telling me something."

Eddie paused for a moment and Buck looked up at him and saw the dawning of realisation on his face. "I was going to tell you today."

"Yeah," Buck said. "You have."

"So you know?" Eddie asked, reaching out to take Buck's hand.

Buck pulled away. "I know."

Eddie's face crumpled. "Oh."

"Yeah. Oh."

"Shit, I really thought I had you down to a 't'. Am I that horrible at reading people?"

Buck laughed with no mirth and shook his head. "You're not horrible at reading people's emotions. You're just horrible at reading the context surrounding them."

Eddie frowned. "So you love me in a friendship kind of way?"

Buck looked away. "I keep telling you that I can't."

"Can't what?"

Buck paused, listening to the breeze that gently shook the trees and the chatter of people inside the Starbucks as he thought carefully about his answer. "I just can't do it. Be with you."

"Can't or won't?"

Buck smiled ruefully. "You keep asking me that."

Eddie crossed his arms. "Then answer me. Can't or won't?"

"Can't," Buck said. "And I know you're going to ask me why but I just can't. There's no singular answer. There's just context."

Eddie huffed. "Tell me what the context is because I assure you that I have thought of this from every angle."

"Chris and Theo," Buck said. "I know you've already told Chris but they are everything to both of us. I can't lose that to a relationship or a breakup. Then there's everyone at the station. They'd have to pick sides and I couldn't ask them to do that, plus there's no guarantee that they'd let us stay at the same station anyway. We could be separated. Our families will never approve of us, our lives are only just getting on the right track and our breakup would be the messiest, hardest thing that could be imagined and then some. I can't risk that."

Eddie smiled a little. "Buck, you realise that most of those points hinge on us breaking up? I don't intend to ever breakup with you."

Buck scoffed. "Well, you say that now but what about months down the line when we've actually been together?"

Eddie sighed and placed a hand on Buck's thigh, stroking his thumb up and down soothingly. "I've thought about this a lot. I've had all the concerns you've had and I've discussed them in painful detail with my therapist. This is not a temporary thing, Buck. I want to stay forever. I will stay forever."

Buck shook his head. "Either you hate me now or you hate me later and I have to remember when you loved me."

"Buck," Eddie said gently, "I've loved you the whole time."

Buck wiped his eyes, sniffing. "I can't, Eddie. I'm scared."

"Hey," Eddie said, squeezing Buck's thigh. "I've got your back."

Despite himself, Buck smiled a little. "Yeah?"

"Any day," Eddie replied. "Or, you know, you could have mine."

Buck was still petrified. There were a million ways that this could go wrong, but this wasn't just about him and Eddie anymore. This whole thing hadn't been about Buck being too selfish at all; he realised that now. It was about him not being selfish enough. He hadn't been doing what he wanted rather than what he thought he could or couldn't do.

There was a large chance that this would end in disaster but there was also that slim chance that this could be his life. Gambling had never been his thing but Eddie was right there making that gamble with him, and the more Buck thought about it the more it wasn't a gamble at all.

—

Buck woke up to the sound of a crash and his heart plummeted. He shot upright, sitting like he had a wooden plank strapped to his back.

"What do you think he's done now?" a sleepy voice came from beside him as an arm was slung around Buck's waist, squeezing his hip.

Buck didn't dare breathe as he turned to look at Eddie, who was sprawled out in bed with his hair a mess and his eyes alight with contenment.

"You're here," Buck breathed.

"In the flesh," Eddie teased, pushing himself upright and leaning over for a quick kiss. "We should go check Theo's not burning the house down."

"Chris is watching him," Buck said, the memories of going home last night flooding back to him. "He'll be fine."

Eddie grinned and Buck couldn't help but kiss him again, slower and more deliberate.

"Still in a time loop?" Eddie asked.

"No," Buck said. "No, I'm right where I'm supposed to be."

Eddie kissed him a third time, pressing himself closer.

Another bang sounded from the kitchen.

Buck groaned and pulled away. "We should go check that out, right?"

"Yeah," Eddie said. "Don't worry. We've got tomorrow to catch up."