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Pencil lay down in the clubhouse. She looked at the cuts on her arms and the bruises on her legs and glares. Doing shit like that doesn't fix anything, it never does and it never will. She knows this. But has she stopped? Of course not. One of Pencil’s most defining things about her is the fact that she does things that hurt people, knowing that they’ll hurt people, and she doesn’t care.
Pencil can see her reflection in the wall of the clubhouse. Her hair is undone, as it normally is when she isn’t participating in a challenge. She’s still wearing those godforsaken gear earrings that she just can't seem to take off. And she’s never taken off her necklace. Never have, never will.
She heard the door to the clubhouse creak open.
“Pencil?”
It was such a familiar voice, but she hadn’t heard it in a while, at least not directed towards her. Her younger brother.
Pencil didn’t respond, speaking hurt right now, so instead she just sat up letting him know she heard him.
The door creaked again and closed. Pencil heard his footsteps come closer until she knew he was standing behind her.
“What?” She managed to say.
“Pencil. I’m worried about you.” Pen said.
Pencil snorted.
“It’s true! I really am.” He said.
Pencil didn’t think he was lying, she just felt bad making him worry. She felt bad about existing at the moment.
“I know you are.” She whispered. “You shouldn’t be.”
Pen stayed quiet for a moment. She knew he hated when she talked about herself like that, but he also hated when people lied.
Pen sat down next to her, and put his hand on top of Pencil’s. When she didn’t pull away he held her hand tightly.
“I miss you Pencil.” Pen said, rubbing his thumb across her hand. “I miss when you were happy and snarky, and fun to be around. And I don’t know how to help you.”
Pencil squeezed Pen’s hand.
“I don’t know why you think I shouldn’t worry about you.” Pen said. “You’re my sister. I know I’m not one of your girlfriends, but I’m still here for you.
Pencil felt tears start to well up in her eyes. She tried to push them back, but she was alone with Pen so they didn’t hesitate. Pencil had only ever cried in front of two people. Pen and Match. Not Bubble or any other freesmarters, not Marker, just her brother and her girlfriend. If she could still call her that.
“I’m not a good person Pen.” She said, “I truly never have been. I don’t know why you don't hate me. Book does, Ice Cube probably does, Match probably wishes I was dead at this point.”
Tears fell from Pencil’s face now and she held onto her arms and squeezed Pen’s hand tighter. “I miss them so much, Pen but I can't undo all of that.” Pencil hiccuped. “I can’t- I don’t know how to go on Pen, I can’t-”
Pen pulled her into a hug. She was taller than him so it was a bit awkward, but Pencil didn’t care. For once she let herself feel and cry into her brother’s hoodie.
Pen rubbed her back, comforting her silently as she calmed down. Pencil clung onto him like a lifeline. She never felt so safe with someone before. Except maybe Match.
“You know Pencil.” Pen said. “When I lost Eraser and Blocky, I was really sad. I wanted to do the exact thing you’re doing right now. But I was able to move on because I knew I couldn’t change the past so I just had to try for the future.”
Pencil thought about that for a minute. She didn’t know if she could move on. Freesmart was everything to her, and in the blink of an eye it was gone.
“You’re a bit stronger than me Pen.” She said.
“Doesn’t mean you can’t try.”
***
For a second Pen saw her back in season 1.
For a second his sister had a cute bow on her head, a braid in front of her shoulder and long hair. For a second she didn’t have eyebags or scars. For a second she was smiling.
“Run.”
Then Pen saw her again. The broken sad and destructive Pencil he had grown to worry about and be scared of. He saw his sister for who she currently is.
And he ran.
Did all that he said change nothing? Did it all fall on deaf ears? Or does she know what she’s doing and is doing it anyway?
Pen didn’t know. So he ran.