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Jo would do anything for Yuma. He should really start to appreciate just how much he would do for him. Because Jo hates going to the grocery store on a weekend but today was the last day he could get his birthday treat, and he was set on getting the pink doughnut Yuma loved so much.
The bus journey was the main reason neither of them ever went to this supermarket unless they really had to. It took 45 minutes one way and was always so busy it couldn’t stop at every stop but every once in a while Jo could manage.
He turned his headphones up to full volume, made sure to wear his lightest shirt and clasped his bag so closely to himself it might snap. Jo hated public transport - he hated how unpredictable it was and how loud everyone was. He thought there was no need for there to be so many teenagers on a bus route that terminated at an industrial estate. He tried to ignore them but even at full volume his music didn’t fully drown them out. So he sat, eyes unmoving from the passing trees outside the window and focused on anything else other than how trapped he felt in this bus.
Yuma went to this store much more often than he did, never too bothered by how busy both the commute and the actual store got. Jo didn’t even tell him he was going today because he would just worry, he would beg to go with him and it would ruin the surprise. Jo was trying to do a nice thing and if it meant his own suffering then so be it.
Jo replayed the worried look that would flash across his boyfriend’s eyes but he chose to focus more on the way they would light up on seeing his favourite treat. He never bought it generally because Yuma never treated himself - it was his biggest flaw even if he saw it as a virtue.
Yuma was selfish and stubborn but Jo never saw that in him the way he saw it in himself or how he was convinced everyone saw in him. Jo saw Yuma as selfless, kind and steadfast in everything he thought and felt. All Jo saw was someone worthy of love but Yuma was always hesitant to allow it. At least, he used to be. Now Yuma was sarcastic and open - he made Jo smile in a way that was so embarrassing he caught himself before his cheeks started to hurt.
Thinking of Yuma was one of the things that got him through the bus ride. He could imagine it was Yuma surrounding him rather than strangers. If he thought hard enough he could smell Yuma’s shampoo and the underlying vanilla he always carried with him. Yuma was like sugar but the type you get from fruit rather than the refined stuff. He was Jo’s energy and rock; he was sure he would trust Yuma for his entire life.
He is snapped back to reality by the speakers on the bus announcing his stop as the next one. He hadn’t realised he zoned out for so long. Jo always liked to be prepared to get of the bus for at least 3 stops before his own - work up what he was going to say to the person sat next to him, have the entire script planned out, play getting off in his mind a million times to make sure he wouldn’t trip even if it hadn’t happened once. He feels a new sense of anxiety knowing his stop was next, the stretch of road between this stop and the previous one is long enough for him to do all the planning in fast forward but it knocks him off kilter. Maybe this was all a really bad idea.
The bus stop is directly next to the store’s car park meaning Jo can immediately see it is overflowing when he gets off. He gulps, he had prepared for this but there were still more people than he had anticipated. He took a breath, it was shallow and probably ineffective but he still did it anyway. He should have come yesterday, but the buses don’t run late enough for him to have gotten here after class which always finished far too late for a friday. Even if the voucher for the treat didn’t run out today, Jo didn’t think a sunday would be any quieter and the buses would be as equally unreliable as they were on a weekday night time. So he didn’t look around, breathed in through his nose and out through his mouth, putting one foot in front of the other and headed towards the entrance.
There were people everywhere and there was no sense to any of it. A child crying on the other side of the store and people arguing about the fruit at the front. All Jo wanted was to buy a doughnut. He felt silly. Going to the store in the first place knowing the sensory nightmare it would be made him feel stupid and he wanted to walk out - stand at the bus stop for 30 minutes until the next one came to take him back home, back to Yuma. He would cry and not say anything as all the older did was comfort him and then later into the night he would confess he was doing something nice for his boyfriend. Then he saw them.
It was like the red sea parting as the gap in the aisles pointed directly to the stand for the loose doughnuts. Jo ignored everyone else, and the way his skin was on fire and ears ringing beneath his headphones. He thinks if he made contact with anyone he would collapse to the floor so he weaves through the mass of bodies carefully.
He only gets one as his birthday treat so he quickly gets a paper bag and puts one inside after using the tongs to determine which one is the freshest. He wraps it protectively, so that it won't get damaged on the way back. Getting to the checkout means he has to make it to the other end of the store and stand in a long queue to get something he isn’t even buying. He contemplates picking something else up so he doesn’t look weird in the long line with only a paper bag but he doesn’t need anything else and he also doesn't want to unnecessarily extend how long he is in the store.
The dinging of the tills causes him to jump and it doesn’t stop. There are workers attending to people when red lights go off - there's so much noise and Jo needs to leave. The hand not carrying the doughnut is tapping along to the beat of some song Yuma made against his leg. It's not the song he is listening to and it’s a completely different tempo but it still grounds him, brings him back to his own body rather than floating with the bright fluorescent lights and mixture of sounds in the store. It helps him block out the children screaming and mothers telling them off and focus on the way his heart feels when he thinks of Yuma, it doesn’t beat the way it does now when he is scared and anxious it beats fast because he laughs too much and steadies when he is held like he is the human only Yuma truly sees him as.
Everyone sees Jo as someone untouchable, it could be his height, or his demeanour but it was only ever Yuma that treated him like he could fall down. And that brings him peace, it makes the weight of the doughnut mean more than just some fried dough. It's a yearly thank you that Yuma has been there to push and encourage Jo to do things out of his comfort zone. To go to the store when it’s one of his least favourite places on the planet because he would be okay and he believed it.
On the way back, all of the adrenaline left his body, the entire thing was done in a fight or flight response and Jo always flew so close to the sun. It was like a cruel joke that the bus on the way back was so empty, almost too quiet that it put Jo on edge just as heavily as too much noise did. He was always confused by how his brain worked in such contradictory ways but he had learned to understand its intricacies over the years. Yuma had done that in a matter of days.
Jo looked at his phone to look at the time and it was still before 11 meaning Yuma was probably still fast asleep, everything was going just as planned.
Their apartment was on the fourth floor of an average sized highrise and Jo went up every step slowly, inspecting the doughnut to make sure it hadn’t been squashed and it was just as perfect as when he picked it. He approached the door and he was nervous, bringing his hand up to the handle and pulling it back down before he placed his hand on top of it, held his breath and went in. The lights in the kitchen were off but the curtains in the living room were pulled open.
Yuma sat wide awake on the sofa staring out of the window and stood to attention when he heard the front door open.
‘Jojo is that you’ he called and Jo winced because this wasn’t going the way he had pictured it.
‘Yes, you’re up early’ he tried to say confidently, pretending like he wasn’t a ball of anxiety.
‘Because the bed felt cold I could tell you weren’t there’ and Jo could sense the pout in his voice.
Jo felt guilty and sad for worrying his boyfriend ‘I’m sorry’ he whispered. He was really starting to regret doing any of this in the first place, Yuma would be disappointed that he ignored the signs of things being too much, he would be angry that Jo pushed himself so much just for him even though Yuma never got angry, he would be calm and reassuring but Jo couldn’t think of anything else than how idiotic he had been that morning.
Yuma came quickly from the living room to the kitchen at the entrance to the apartment. ‘No why are you sorry? I was just worried that's all. Jojo can you look at me please why are you upset?’
Jo sniffles, not even realising he was starting to tear up. ‘I went to get you something and I don’t want you to be angry with me’
Yuma looked shocked ‘I could never be angry with you, thank you for getting me something even though you don’t have to’
‘I know you won’t be, I can't help thinking it’ Jo admits and it makes him laugh. Looking at Yuma with his soft eyes and open posture reminds him why he fell in love, why he went half way across the city to buy a stupid doughnut because 4 years ago he fell in love with some silly boy who never failed to remind him that he was far from stupid.
‘I got you this’ he says, holding out the paper bag. The icing had transferred onto the bag from where he had held it too tightly when he cried.
Yuma didn’t even say anything about it being slightly ruined and took it from him and smiled, his teeth, despite having had braces, were still a little imperfect and Jo could map each of them with his eyes closed. He loved when Yuma smiled - it was always so genuine and encompassing.
Yuma opens it and his eyes light up exclaiming ‘Oh my god Jojo you know I love these thank you so much’ causing Jo to blush and his ears to go red.
The shorter boy brings him into a hug and cups his ears and the redness goes away.
‘You didn’t have to go through all that’ he announces despite taking a big bite of the doughnut, some of the icing sticking to his nose. Jo laughs at him, using his thumb to wipe it off and watches Yuma try and pretend he doesn’t love the treat but Jo would go to the store again for every birthday if it meant he got to see that smile.